I know I’ve been putting some hard hitting heavy stuff up here. It feels very liberating, yet I feel a little exposed posting some of this intensely personal and unfiltered content for anyone to read. Anyone who knows me though, will attest that I am for the most part pretty unfiltered – sometimes to a fault! So, I might as well embrace and own it!
The following is an excerpt I wrote when things started to kind of feel ok and normalish again. I have up days and down days in general just like everyone else who’s dealing with their own demons. I think it’s important to acknowledge that not all days have to be winners, but when a good one comes along– close your eyes and just let it happen!! (Yah… shhhhh…. just let it happen!)
I tend to spend every moment chasing after a bigger dream, a better life, the perfect family, and any number of random items on my revolving checklist that I can never seem to keep up with. All I ever seem to do is chase and yearn for the future and it makes this perfectly imperfect present seem like a chore. So, lately I’ve tried to shift my focus and do my best to enjoy what happening now!
April 28, 2017
A good day.
I feel like before we were full on TTC the things I got excited about were very different. Like a new purse or a new outfit … now?? Now I get excited when I have an ultrasound that goes the way it’s supposed to!! I’ve been jilted so many times in that ultrasound room, it was really exciting to have things go my way as expected!
Today, the doc found 3 follicles on my left and 1 on my right! The best news that this cycle could have gotten! Yaaay!
I’ve had such a hard time since my miscarriage just giving in to the idea that I was capable of actually having “a good day”. After all that I’ve been through it’s hard to look myself in the mirror and agree that even though I’ve had some really hard things placed on me, even though deep down I’m still sad that I lost my baby, that I’m capable of setting it all aside to allow myself to have a good day. I deserve at least that much. Today, feels like a good day to break that cycle.