Could it be

This excerpt was written about two months ago. It’s fitting and appropriate to share now because I’m in the middle of the “two week wait” to find out if our last cycle is going to take or not. Again, keep in mind this is something I wrote a while ago. I don’t want my readers to worry about how dark my writing has been. I know it’s hard to read, but it’s important to know that this is part of the process and I’m doing well. Getting this all out in the open is helping me heal. 

March 14, 2017

Could it be?

The shittiest question I have to ask myself over and over again.

Trying to get pregnant is not “fun”. At least for me it’s not. It’s meant nothing but fear, frustration, doubt, and worry. We have been trying to have a baby for…. ever??! At least it seems that way. I’ve been ready to start our family since we got married – (2006) I mean looking back I wasn’t “ready ready” until the last few (we’ll say 5) years. And we’ve been blessed to find a great doctor last year that might actually get us to the finish line. But I digress….

Could it be? Is it finally here!?!? The shittiest god damn mind fuck of my 30 something life. Each cycle, at the end of the dreaded two week wait comes that magical time where every single thing my body does is super apparent to me, and is also a possible sign of early pregnancy. So fuck me right!??

Every cycle, around mid month I get to play the mental game of “is this finally it”!!!! And all but once, it never is. Currently, my period is two days late…. I’ve taken a total of 3 home pregnancy tests and they all of course say 🖕🏼⛔️🚽 . So what’s a girl to do??

I know that likely, any minute there’s going to be a crime scene in my pants… and in my brain. As soon as my period arrives in whatever anti-graceful fashion it decides, my [rational] brain clicks off and the NutsbergerCrazyTown portion of my brain takes charge and proceeds to fill my head up with all the things I’ve ever failed at complete with slow motion playback of all of my friends who have happy healthy babies and pregnancies and at that point every fiber in my body just wants me to give up. Just fucking give up…

But how???

Seriously!? This isn’t something I’m capable of giving up on. I don’t even know HOW!??! Especially now that I know it’s POSSIBLE!?? Granted, now I’m missing a part (right filopian tube) that I wasn’t missing before but…. cmon??? I mean there HAS TO BE HOPE HERE!? So…. could this be it??? Is it finally my turn?? Stay tuned….. 📻⏰🙄