TTC

My Love/Hate Relationship with the Universe

Sometimes I have a very complicated relationship with the universe.

I’m not terribly religious. I grew up Christian, but I have issues balancing the math when I see how some Christians behave. I just scratch my head and I can’t quite get all the way on board. I subscribe to a more universal spirituality always trying to shift my own energy to a positive place, be nice to people and let the universe sort out the judgement part. I believe, that the universe understands what I need and is making a way to provide it to me…. most days.

But days like today, it’s hard. Day 13 of 14 in the very first two week wait as we start trying to get pregnant again…. I’ve felt very certain that everything had finally aligned (not unlike every other time we do this mind you) and there were symptoms and signs pointing toward finally attaining this miracle only to wake today and have all signs pointing the other way.

I don’t know.

There’s a lot to be thankful for.

There’s so much good here, and luckily we have the opportunity to keep at it. It was certainly the most “fun” I’ve had while TTC in a really long time! Felt less like a “job” or a chore than it had during all the months of treatments we’ve done in the past….

But damnit. Again with the hard math. Sometimes I just really wanna FIGHT with the universe and shake it!!! Screaming and crying and asking WHYYYYYY!??? But the it doesn’t work like that. That’s not the energy I want flowing, I don’t want to feel robbed or mislead… or like the universe keeps breaking their promise to me! How does one keep the negative thoughts at bay??? My daily struggle.

For now… I just ask for peace and calm in light of more waiting which I am lousy at. Bring patience and faith because I seem to be running low all of a sudden. Help me let go…..

TTC

My Mother’s Day Wish

Every year, on this day… for the last decade I’ve made the same wish. Please, let this be the last year. The last year I have to hide from the internet, smile when I don’t want to, and act like I’m not being torn apart from the inside out. Please let this be the last year that I have to spend Mother’s Day with an honorary title…. not that I don’t love being a “Dog Mom” or Auntie– it’s just not enough for me. It’s not. So like the ones before it here I am this Mother’s Day, with tears in my eyes making the same wish.

Man. Shit is complicated these days!!! There isn’t a word for how I feel… and I feel like there should be and THAT makes me feel things! I’ve tried several times today to catalog the feels, to write them out and failed. Tried again and failed harder. This draft… might see the light of day, but I’m still debating. All day long I’ve tried to gift wrap this… these feelings. At one point I just thought…nope it’s not gonna happen. Just maybe, don’t acknowledge it at all. Who says I have to?? But that feels disingenuous too…. so here I am. Trying to scotch tape these feelings into something I can explain to the world….

I dunno… lonely. Lonely is a thing I feel. But not like, how you normally think of it. My oldest and best fertility friend is now pregnant. I can not express how wonderful that is, and how freeking excited I am for her– she DESERVES THIS!!!!!! But…. I’m alone now. And it’s hard…

We are going to start trying again… soon! Finally…. it’s exciting. And terrifying. There are a million questions racing through my brain at any given point … none of which I should be asking. Not the least of which goes something like…. “wonder if this is gonna work”… And the only answer I can muster I boosted from Captain America….

I’m doing my best to be positive and to say nice things, but if I’m really honest I’m terrified. Terrified of all the questions I can’t ask, and can’t answer. I’m terrified that I’ve come all this way only to have the door slammed in my face – or worse – opened for an instant and then slammed with the explosion of a failed pregnancy–again! I lived through the horror once I don’t know if I could make it out a second time and OF COURSE I’M SCARED OF THAT!!!! But I have to try!!!! Even with all that fear how could I not TRY!?!!!

*internally screaming … and sobbing real tears* this is what I mean… there’s no word for this. Truly…. I’m Hopefully Terrified Confused Apprehensive…. and just a little bit Numb. I need that word… whatever it is.

So today… as usual, I made my wish. I pictured the life I want so the universe can send it to me. I promised myself and the universe I would believe that what is meant for me will always find a way… and really yearn to trust that my most perfect life is somehow on its way.

To every manner of woman who is or desires motherhood… I see you. I appreciate all the tiny sacrifices that make a Mom no matter how that looks in your world.

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

Fight the good fight!

If someone would have told me, that I would have to go through the most devastating heartbreak in order to end up on the path that leads to my best life… I don’t know that I would agree to that??? Would any of us?? Really?? I mean, especially not if we actually knew the depths of that devastation– who would be on board for that kind of turmoil!?? Certainly not me….

Yet, here I am about two years after that most terrible event thinking to myself … is it possible to be grateful for that?? Never would I ever imagined that ANYTHING good or positive could come from all of that pain!?!? So much has changed, so much unexpected joy and accomplishment has come from that one event that tore my whole world apart…so that I could have the chance to build a better one. And make no mistake, if that loss had never occurred the life I have now could NEVER have been realized.

    I am over 100lbs lighter, husband is 170lbs lighter!!!
    I have a stronger bond with my husband having gone through, loss (emotional and physical)
    We have learned how to eat- so we can teach our kid(s) the things it took us a lifetime to learn!
    We’ve both accepted therapy and gotten emotional support with handling loss and anxiety – we are stronger for this!
    We’ve had to fight for the life we want. I tend to think we will be more appreciative of it when it gets here.

So it’s true what they say, “sometimes things have to fall apart, so better things can fall together.” It’s never easy to accept, and it’s gonna hurt like hell all the way there, but it is a beautiful thing once you realize you’re on the right path.

I long for the life I had to give up. However, I’m learning to use that longing to my benefit. I use it as fuel for the fire that I need to get to the finish line, instead of letting it burn down my spirit and consume me.

I’ve fought too hard, risked and lost too much to give up any ground now!!!!

For those that are fighting for your best life — keep fighting. Keep notes, for every micro victory rejoice and be proud. For that’s the best and hardest advice to follow!

TTC, Weight Loss

Deal… or No Deal

Hey!! It’s been a minute!!!! It’s been several actually since I had enough headspace, clarity and wit to compose anything worth publishing. I have all of those things now, so here we go.

I had a pretty rough week. It wasn’t all bad, it wasn’t great but it was rough. It was emotional, I discovered some shit and I’m happy to share- as usual!

To update, at this point in my weight loss I have lost 106lbs and it’s FUCKING AMAZING! It has been 11 months, I’m off all the pre-diabetes meds and watchlists, my cholesterol and blood pressure are all in the perfectly normal ass kicking range, and my A1C was 4.9 – so I am ALL GOOD when it comes to those boxes that had been needing check marks. But, I’m still not done. I haven’t met my overall weight loss goal of -170lbs and I’m not at the waist measurement yet to complete the program.

I’ve known for a while now that I was going to ring up shy on the 1 year time goal that we set upon starting this thing and I think subconsciously I’ve allowed that fact to bum me out and slow down my weight loss. I’ve allowed a series of smaller cheats and leeways in the plan just to keep from falling completely off – which shows progress, but is still not awesome. Hey, you do what you can to survive but I’m capable of more.

This week though, I felt particularly low. My husband finished the program last week and is now going into maintenance mode… of course he is – men can sneeze and lose 10lbs!!! I’m ridiculously proud of him and so thrilled he has been beside me the whole way on this–none of this is easy and he’s been SUCH a champ!! My hero! That being said, it’s tough watching him be able to have regular food now at will while I am still on program.

Adding to the perfect storm of meltdown madness was the resonating fact, that when we started I gave myself an end point of 1 year. 1 year to lose all the weight I need to lose in order to get pregnant…. and here we are within 30 days of that and I know I am about 70lbs shy of the goal.

There was a time when just thinking of losing 100lbs was like a fairy tale! Like if I could just do that everything would be solved!!!! Yet — here I am and still have a mountain to climb before I can be done. Trying to figure out how to get to the end and how long it’s going to take from here — I just found myself digging in a giant hole I couldn’t get out of … I broke.

“Everyone else gets to move on accept for MEEEE!!!!” ….

…. the words vibrated off the walls of my brain and I just lost it. The tears could not be stopped. It’s hard. It’s hard to keep clawing and fighting. I’m tired, frustrated, and worn the hell down.

For someone who’s ultimate goal weight is … pregnancy…. this is all just too hard sometimes. Sometimes you have to break to break through… and that’s ok too.

I broke at the best place I could, the diet doctor’s office. We had a long talk, I cried, then I asked questions, questions I hadn’t been brave enough to ask before and she gave me answers. And more than that, she gave me a plan. A goal… and a deal- but we’ll get to that!

Turns out one of the things I’d been missing was a micro-goal. I have had this huge mountain of weight to get through and have been swinging for the fences just collecting pounds and throwing them into the “finished” pile. Now that I’ve lost more weight than I have left, I’m on the downhill slope now so I need something closer. Something that I can see, that I can TARGET and move toward. I have that now.

The deal— Diet Doc could see the desperation and pain in my eyes. “When doc!?” *pause, wiping away tears and snot* “When…. when will it be enough for us to TRY again!??”

[she asked us in the beginning to wait until we lost the weight to try for baby again]

She flipped through my chart, looked at me with tears in her own eyes… choked them back and handed me a tissue and continued flipping…. after a few moments of puzzling she looked up and said “I have a deal for you, do you want to take it?”

Oh geez does she think I’m nuts? What if the deal is 1 more year of this? What if the deal is “sure try but eat nothing but broccoli for the rest of your life!”???? I dunno man….. I paused and must have nodded yes.

“The deal is”, she continued — “Take 2 Days. Go eat whatever you want. No limitations…. just get it out of your system. After those two days are up it’s GO TIME! I want you to give it EVERYTHING YOU HAVE And after 30 days if your weight is acceptable (she did give me a # and it’s attainable y’all) you’ll have my blessing to start trying again.”

Deal.

That one interaction was all the things I needed.

Compassion. Understanding. Support. A GOD DAMN GOAL. And some real motivation to achieve it.

So, here’s my advice…. in case you want some – from the non-expert!!

  1. Make some “deals” with yourself – you get a little something you GIVE something! It helps!
  2. If it’s part of the plan you CAN do just about anything.
  3. You’re not going to accidentally succeed (at least not consistently) so make some goals micro and macro ones and crush em!!
  4. Give yourself the room you need to breathe and then go get it — whatever IT IS.
  5. Tell everyone. I’m not that person that can quietly carry on just crushing their goals in silence. So I say tell the world, get cheerleaders cause you’re gonna need em!! Goodness knows my cheerleaders have a full time gig and I’m grateful for every one of them! ❤️

AngelMom, TTC

Baby Mine

Sometimes I think about what the future might look like, in whatever world where we get to be parents. It helps me keep going, and also kind of breaks my heart. I wonder … often what it be like, what our kid would be like, who’s nose and eyes they’d have… what their laugh would sound like…. and I think of what it would feel like to hold that baby, feel him or her sinking into my chest as I sing them to sleep…. not to like jinx every birthday candle and dandelion I’ve ever encountered, but that is my greatest and most powerful wish in the world.

There’s always been a very special lullaby I’ve wanted to be able to sing to my little one. On tough nights, I hum or sing it to myself when I can’t fall asleep. I feel the cold salty tears soak my pillow and drift off into a dreamland where things always turn out the way they’re supposed to.

Today, I recorded a version of that lullaby. It took me about a hundred times to get through it without choking up, crying or just completely stalling out… but I did it. This song holds a special place in my heart, the double edge of both comforting me and making me long for a time that I can only I hope lies on the horizon for us.

I’d like to think that by facing this stuff that doesn’t feel so great that I’m proving to myself I can do difficult things and I can at least find comfort in that.

Sharing this with the world is scary, but also very freeing…face those demons that haunt you. Look them in the eye and give them a hug so maybe they’ll stop bullying you…. that’s all we can do!

oxo – Baby Mine

https://www.smule.com/p/895577070_2615335542

AngelMom, TTC

Unconscious-Consious

Sometimes… I can’t not think of you. Life is fantastic, and grand and going just swell and then all of a sudden it’s like a missed a step and I’m falling down a staircase. Can’t breathe, can’t think, the wind fully knocked out of my lungs, and I just sort of hang there for a spell.

I can’t not think of you.

Usually I can anticipate these low moments, maybe it’s because your birthday or your angel day are coming up-and it makes sense to me. Then there are times, like yesterday when I don’t see it coming and it’s devastating to realize too late in the game that you’re the reason why I’m feeling broken and unsettled.

Yesterday was Halloween, and I was busy planning my usual badass costume and a fun (but kind of boring/uneventful) holiday. I should have felt happy, and excited in my awesome costume, in this new bangin body… but I felt … pinned down, uptight and generally distressed by everything.

All day, I was anxious and aggravated by absolutely nothing! I tried to blame the SPANX (I mean, the jury is still out in that since I’d like to personally execute the demon spawn that invented them and made all of us ladies think we need them to be sexy!) and a host of other factors that normally would not bother me.

I went like this through the better part of the day, trying to catch myself being cantankerous and re-route, but as the day went on I felt increasingly overwhelmed and out of breath all the way to my soul so I excused myself for a late break to clear my head.

I wondered Target, and as I made my way to the checkout for a few random impulse items. I landed behind the cutest 2 year old who was laughing and smiling at me…. and at that moment… it clicked.

Halloween, is an earmarked day too and I’d neglected it. It’s not as big as a birthday or an angel day, but 2 years ago I was having the IUI that would lead to your loss…. and somewhere inside I felt that, and was not processing it. Meanwhile my whole body, mind and soul were at war over it. All at once I was devastated and relieved at the same time.

I keep thinking at some point it won’t hurt so much, that I won’t be sad every time a see a kid that is near your age, or when someone else gets pregnant and I don’t. I keep thinking at some point I won’t feel jealous and snarky at someone else’s happiness, but it’s real. That is real to me, jealousy and pain. It’s not every day… but it’s there, lurking in the dark corners of my mind….somewhere behind my smile waiting to bubble over without notice.

Acknowledging it feels better, more real and honest than trying to plaster on a fake smile. Sometimes the world doesn’t really have time to pause for your emotional turmoil. All I know is when I finally let go, gave those feelings a hug and told myself it was ok everything was exponentially better.

So, I guess the moral is:

  • It’s ok to feel stuff.
  • It’s not ok to torture yourself for having said feelings.
  • Listen … anxiety can be quiet or it can be loud, but either way there’s probably an underlying message trying to come through
  • Be nice to everyone, you never know what sort of emotional warfare is happening beyond your line of sight.
    It’s ok to be under construction.

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

A slogan to believe in….

Here’s the thing, typically I couldn’t care any less about football than I currently do. I actually kind of despise it for being so intrusive on my newsfeed when it’s happening and honestly as someone who watches a maximum of one game per annum I just sort of let the whole Kaepernick thing slide over my head and chose not to be involved in any of it. I mean, I’m a white woman who is pretty privileged and has not been subject to much racism or social struggle- “not my circus not my monkeys” sort of thing.

Then this Nike campaign happened…

And people are going APE SHIT. I mean, they’ve technically BEEN going ape shit I’ve just been ignoring it, but something about that quote… really resonated with me.

I came home sick today and woke up with that quote ringing in my ears. It’s the very basis of what my own life has been about for the last decade and that alone— is hard.

I am sure it’s not supposed to be about me… but that quote applies to everyone and THAT is likely the point. Everyone who breathes has something they believe in beyond any reasonable doubt and that one thing will come to define them, their story, their world…. and it’s all very America. It’s the fabric of our country… differences, speaking your truth in a non-violent fashion to effect change?

For me, that “thing” is many things. It’s becoming a mom, losing a child, trying everything in my power to become pregnant again so I can finally KNOW what it’s like for a dream to be made real.

Mostly though, for me it’s time and time is EVERYTHING. This journey has consumed me for 10 years. Ever changing, evolving, growing, mutating. I hardly remember a time when this idea wasn’t the driving force of my whole existence….

With baby making on the back burner these days, I do still hold out a little hope. Each month when the 28th cycle day comes I hold out hope that some seemingly accidental miracle will find its way to me…. and so far, it has yet to. Another month, another negative test and I resign myself to keep pushing through because the battle is not over yet.

I continue to offer up time, more time to keep losing weight. Time to force myself to focus on other things. I live a pretty charming life from the outside, but believe me it’s not without struggle, sacrifice and heartbreak. Some day though…. some day it will all be worth it.

** please remember to be kind and considerate with any commenting.