TTC

You’re Doing It Wrong

Sometimes I learn things so obvious and simple that I don’t know how I’ve managed to survive this long as a human without knowing them!!!! This thing I’ve learned, seems common knowledge-yet I feel like there are many that don’t know it so I’m spreading the word!

Here’s the thing about weight loss and fitness and all the conflicting information that exists in the world!! There are so many ways to exercise all will get you to a different goal, and without realizing it you could jump in a lane headed to a goal that is not aligned with your own!! I’ve spent most of my life trying to figure it out! How to lose weight, how to exercise and the whole time… I’ve been doing it wrong!!

Now, I’m not a personal trainer. I’m not an expert- but I AM someone who has lost over 100lbs in less than a year and quite recently I feel like I’ve cracked the code on the thing and I’m obligated to share my findings for anyone else out there struggling like I have been!!

Up til now the program I am on has been strictly dietary. It’s medically monitored and I’m not permitted to give it out because it’s copy-written and dangerous to be on without being monitored. But I can tell you that my whole life… I have been exercising WRONG [for fat loss]!

You see it, in movies, tv shows, trainers, friends maybe “PUSH HARDER! You can do it! Push push push!!!!!” It’s always about more, more more!! You work out, and tell yourself to push harder, do more than last time, faster, farther than last time! I look back on workouts I’ve posted about in the past, and it seems like I was always so disappointed in them. Saying something like “points for showing up” or some other negative comment about it not being enough. So negative!!! Never satisfied with myself and what I was able to accomplish. Meanwhile, those same “not good enough” workouts would destroy my body! I was constantly sore, injuring myself, and for all the trouble… the weight loss never felt like it matched my efforts.

Here’s the thing that I’ve discovered that no one talks about!! It’s a simple concept but very effective!! Instead of gauging your workout by effort – measure it by heart rate! Target/Fat Burning Heart Rate to be exact!!

Now, in order to find YOUR specific actual max, resting and fat burning heart rate you’d need to visit a cardiologist but there are charts and tools available online to get you in the ballpark. From what I’ve read your own personal target rate can differ 10-20 beats but it seems to me at least if you can pinpoint a target and try for it you’ll see way better bang for your buck when it comes to your workouts!!

Here is a chart I found, your fat burning heart rate is in the 70% of max column.

Interval training still works, but you have to make sure your rest interval brings you all the way back down to at or below your target! Before, I would do 1 min intervals of work/rest and my heart rate wouldn’t have time to recover so my avg heart rate in my Feb work outs was 160-170 when it should have been more like 130!!!

This also makes so much sense when it comes to weight lifting- that particular exercise is not a high pumping heart rate activity! No wonder why it’s so effective!!

It’s so nice that NOW, I find that my fat burn zone is a comfortable jog/walk! I no longer have to completely exhaust myself to feel like I’ve done enough!! I’m not constantly sore, and I am completing more and better workouts, sometimes even more than one workout a day!!! I am still sweaty, I still improve my distance and time but not only do I feel more satisfied with my efforts–they’re actually making a difference on the scale!!!

Who would have guessed – if your workouts aren’t yielding the number you want to see on the scale the natural reaction isn’t to DO LESS… but for fat burning efficiency that’s exactly what I am doing!

Just by making these adjustments and being diligent about diet I’ve more than doubled my scale loss in the last month!!

February: total loss for the month was 5lbs – I worked out every day, and honestly was pretty miserable for most of that!

March: it’s the 10th and I’m already down 9lbs for the month!!! And I feel fantastic!

I dunno…. here’s the thing, I’m not telling you to do what I do, but based on my own experience and research it’s worth a try if you’re up for a challenge of your own!!!

I’m still 20-30lbs from finishing my program so we can start trying for baby, but man I tell you my head, heart and body finally all feel in sync and I’m no longer swimming against the tide!! All of this hard work is so much easier when it’s WORKING!!!!

That’s all I got for ya for now! Had to share what I’ve learned!!! All I can do is hope this information helps someone else that may be struggling because it’s just the worst to think you’re doing all the right things, to only be fighting yourself in the end!!!

Feeling like my very own superhero lately! Down 119lbs!

Then vs Now

Uncategorized

A little about me…

May 12, 2017

So, I’m an Angel Mom. 

Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes I’m not– and I maintain that it’s ok to feel that way! We aren’t always in control of the emotions that we feel, and I think it’s better to get those emotions out however you can in order to move forward. Though, we won’t forget and it may never stop hurting, we do what we can to self preserve. 

The 2nd thing I think is important to tell you is, I swear. Sometimes a lot. I am not terribly religious, though I do pray and look to a higher power, but I wouldn’t say that I subscribe to any specific organized religion. I don’t seek to deliberately offend, so if things like cursing bother you it’s best to just scoot along, this may not be for you! 

My husband and I have been TTC off and on for over 8 years. Sometimes with assistance and sometimes on our own. Some of these posts may be very detailed and graphic– if you’re TTC you will probably get it. Your sensitivity to these things gets worn down pretty quick!! 

Thats about it, hopefully if you’re still reading this you will find this information helpful!! 

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

Fight the good fight!

If someone would have told me, that I would have to go through the most devastating heartbreak in order to end up on the path that leads to my best life… I don’t know that I would agree to that??? Would any of us?? Really?? I mean, especially not if we actually knew the depths of that devastation– who would be on board for that kind of turmoil!?? Certainly not me….

Yet, here I am about two years after that most terrible event thinking to myself … is it possible to be grateful for that?? Never would I ever imagined that ANYTHING good or positive could come from all of that pain!?!? So much has changed, so much unexpected joy and accomplishment has come from that one event that tore my whole world apart…so that I could have the chance to build a better one. And make no mistake, if that loss had never occurred the life I have now could NEVER have been realized.

    I am over 100lbs lighter, husband is 170lbs lighter!!!
    I have a stronger bond with my husband having gone through, loss (emotional and physical)
    We have learned how to eat- so we can teach our kid(s) the things it took us a lifetime to learn!
    We’ve both accepted therapy and gotten emotional support with handling loss and anxiety – we are stronger for this!
    We’ve had to fight for the life we want. I tend to think we will be more appreciative of it when it gets here.

So it’s true what they say, “sometimes things have to fall apart, so better things can fall together.” It’s never easy to accept, and it’s gonna hurt like hell all the way there, but it is a beautiful thing once you realize you’re on the right path.

I long for the life I had to give up. However, I’m learning to use that longing to my benefit. I use it as fuel for the fire that I need to get to the finish line, instead of letting it burn down my spirit and consume me.

I’ve fought too hard, risked and lost too much to give up any ground now!!!!

For those that are fighting for your best life — keep fighting. Keep notes, for every micro victory rejoice and be proud. For that’s the best and hardest advice to follow!

TTC, Weight Loss

Deal… or No Deal

Hey!! It’s been a minute!!!! It’s been several actually since I had enough headspace, clarity and wit to compose anything worth publishing. I have all of those things now, so here we go.

I had a pretty rough week. It wasn’t all bad, it wasn’t great but it was rough. It was emotional, I discovered some shit and I’m happy to share- as usual!

To update, at this point in my weight loss I have lost 106lbs and it’s FUCKING AMAZING! It has been 11 months, I’m off all the pre-diabetes meds and watchlists, my cholesterol and blood pressure are all in the perfectly normal ass kicking range, and my A1C was 4.9 – so I am ALL GOOD when it comes to those boxes that had been needing check marks. But, I’m still not done. I haven’t met my overall weight loss goal of -170lbs and I’m not at the waist measurement yet to complete the program.

I’ve known for a while now that I was going to ring up shy on the 1 year time goal that we set upon starting this thing and I think subconsciously I’ve allowed that fact to bum me out and slow down my weight loss. I’ve allowed a series of smaller cheats and leeways in the plan just to keep from falling completely off – which shows progress, but is still not awesome. Hey, you do what you can to survive but I’m capable of more.

This week though, I felt particularly low. My husband finished the program last week and is now going into maintenance mode… of course he is – men can sneeze and lose 10lbs!!! I’m ridiculously proud of him and so thrilled he has been beside me the whole way on this–none of this is easy and he’s been SUCH a champ!! My hero! That being said, it’s tough watching him be able to have regular food now at will while I am still on program.

Adding to the perfect storm of meltdown madness was the resonating fact, that when we started I gave myself an end point of 1 year. 1 year to lose all the weight I need to lose in order to get pregnant…. and here we are within 30 days of that and I know I am about 70lbs shy of the goal.

There was a time when just thinking of losing 100lbs was like a fairy tale! Like if I could just do that everything would be solved!!!! Yet — here I am and still have a mountain to climb before I can be done. Trying to figure out how to get to the end and how long it’s going to take from here — I just found myself digging in a giant hole I couldn’t get out of … I broke.

“Everyone else gets to move on accept for MEEEE!!!!” ….

…. the words vibrated off the walls of my brain and I just lost it. The tears could not be stopped. It’s hard. It’s hard to keep clawing and fighting. I’m tired, frustrated, and worn the hell down.

For someone who’s ultimate goal weight is … pregnancy…. this is all just too hard sometimes. Sometimes you have to break to break through… and that’s ok too.

I broke at the best place I could, the diet doctor’s office. We had a long talk, I cried, then I asked questions, questions I hadn’t been brave enough to ask before and she gave me answers. And more than that, she gave me a plan. A goal… and a deal- but we’ll get to that!

Turns out one of the things I’d been missing was a micro-goal. I have had this huge mountain of weight to get through and have been swinging for the fences just collecting pounds and throwing them into the “finished” pile. Now that I’ve lost more weight than I have left, I’m on the downhill slope now so I need something closer. Something that I can see, that I can TARGET and move toward. I have that now.

The deal— Diet Doc could see the desperation and pain in my eyes. “When doc!?” *pause, wiping away tears and snot* “When…. when will it be enough for us to TRY again!??”

[she asked us in the beginning to wait until we lost the weight to try for baby again]

She flipped through my chart, looked at me with tears in her own eyes… choked them back and handed me a tissue and continued flipping…. after a few moments of puzzling she looked up and said “I have a deal for you, do you want to take it?”

Oh geez does she think I’m nuts? What if the deal is 1 more year of this? What if the deal is “sure try but eat nothing but broccoli for the rest of your life!”???? I dunno man….. I paused and must have nodded yes.

“The deal is”, she continued — “Take 2 Days. Go eat whatever you want. No limitations…. just get it out of your system. After those two days are up it’s GO TIME! I want you to give it EVERYTHING YOU HAVE And after 30 days if your weight is acceptable (she did give me a # and it’s attainable y’all) you’ll have my blessing to start trying again.”

Deal.

That one interaction was all the things I needed.

Compassion. Understanding. Support. A GOD DAMN GOAL. And some real motivation to achieve it.

So, here’s my advice…. in case you want some – from the non-expert!!

  1. Make some “deals” with yourself – you get a little something you GIVE something! It helps!
  2. If it’s part of the plan you CAN do just about anything.
  3. You’re not going to accidentally succeed (at least not consistently) so make some goals micro and macro ones and crush em!!
  4. Give yourself the room you need to breathe and then go get it — whatever IT IS.
  5. Tell everyone. I’m not that person that can quietly carry on just crushing their goals in silence. So I say tell the world, get cheerleaders cause you’re gonna need em!! Goodness knows my cheerleaders have a full time gig and I’m grateful for every one of them! ❤️

AngelMom, TTC

Baby Mine

Sometimes I think about what the future might look like, in whatever world where we get to be parents. It helps me keep going, and also kind of breaks my heart. I wonder … often what it be like, what our kid would be like, who’s nose and eyes they’d have… what their laugh would sound like…. and I think of what it would feel like to hold that baby, feel him or her sinking into my chest as I sing them to sleep…. not to like jinx every birthday candle and dandelion I’ve ever encountered, but that is my greatest and most powerful wish in the world.

There’s always been a very special lullaby I’ve wanted to be able to sing to my little one. On tough nights, I hum or sing it to myself when I can’t fall asleep. I feel the cold salty tears soak my pillow and drift off into a dreamland where things always turn out the way they’re supposed to.

Today, I recorded a version of that lullaby. It took me about a hundred times to get through it without choking up, crying or just completely stalling out… but I did it. This song holds a special place in my heart, the double edge of both comforting me and making me long for a time that I can only I hope lies on the horizon for us.

I’d like to think that by facing this stuff that doesn’t feel so great that I’m proving to myself I can do difficult things and I can at least find comfort in that.

Sharing this with the world is scary, but also very freeing…face those demons that haunt you. Look them in the eye and give them a hug so maybe they’ll stop bullying you…. that’s all we can do!

oxo – Baby Mine

https://www.smule.com/p/895577070_2615335542

AngelMom, TTC

Unconscious-Consious

Sometimes… I can’t not think of you. Life is fantastic, and grand and going just swell and then all of a sudden it’s like a missed a step and I’m falling down a staircase. Can’t breathe, can’t think, the wind fully knocked out of my lungs, and I just sort of hang there for a spell.

I can’t not think of you.

Usually I can anticipate these low moments, maybe it’s because your birthday or your angel day are coming up-and it makes sense to me. Then there are times, like yesterday when I don’t see it coming and it’s devastating to realize too late in the game that you’re the reason why I’m feeling broken and unsettled.

Yesterday was Halloween, and I was busy planning my usual badass costume and a fun (but kind of boring/uneventful) holiday. I should have felt happy, and excited in my awesome costume, in this new bangin body… but I felt … pinned down, uptight and generally distressed by everything.

All day, I was anxious and aggravated by absolutely nothing! I tried to blame the SPANX (I mean, the jury is still out in that since I’d like to personally execute the demon spawn that invented them and made all of us ladies think we need them to be sexy!) and a host of other factors that normally would not bother me.

I went like this through the better part of the day, trying to catch myself being cantankerous and re-route, but as the day went on I felt increasingly overwhelmed and out of breath all the way to my soul so I excused myself for a late break to clear my head.

I wondered Target, and as I made my way to the checkout for a few random impulse items. I landed behind the cutest 2 year old who was laughing and smiling at me…. and at that moment… it clicked.

Halloween, is an earmarked day too and I’d neglected it. It’s not as big as a birthday or an angel day, but 2 years ago I was having the IUI that would lead to your loss…. and somewhere inside I felt that, and was not processing it. Meanwhile my whole body, mind and soul were at war over it. All at once I was devastated and relieved at the same time.

I keep thinking at some point it won’t hurt so much, that I won’t be sad every time a see a kid that is near your age, or when someone else gets pregnant and I don’t. I keep thinking at some point I won’t feel jealous and snarky at someone else’s happiness, but it’s real. That is real to me, jealousy and pain. It’s not every day… but it’s there, lurking in the dark corners of my mind….somewhere behind my smile waiting to bubble over without notice.

Acknowledging it feels better, more real and honest than trying to plaster on a fake smile. Sometimes the world doesn’t really have time to pause for your emotional turmoil. All I know is when I finally let go, gave those feelings a hug and told myself it was ok everything was exponentially better.

So, I guess the moral is:

  • It’s ok to feel stuff.
  • It’s not ok to torture yourself for having said feelings.
  • Listen … anxiety can be quiet or it can be loud, but either way there’s probably an underlying message trying to come through
  • Be nice to everyone, you never know what sort of emotional warfare is happening beyond your line of sight.
    It’s ok to be under construction.

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

A slogan to believe in….

Here’s the thing, typically I couldn’t care any less about football than I currently do. I actually kind of despise it for being so intrusive on my newsfeed when it’s happening and honestly as someone who watches a maximum of one game per annum I just sort of let the whole Kaepernick thing slide over my head and chose not to be involved in any of it. I mean, I’m a white woman who is pretty privileged and has not been subject to much racism or social struggle- “not my circus not my monkeys” sort of thing.

Then this Nike campaign happened…

And people are going APE SHIT. I mean, they’ve technically BEEN going ape shit I’ve just been ignoring it, but something about that quote… really resonated with me.

I came home sick today and woke up with that quote ringing in my ears. It’s the very basis of what my own life has been about for the last decade and that alone— is hard.

I am sure it’s not supposed to be about me… but that quote applies to everyone and THAT is likely the point. Everyone who breathes has something they believe in beyond any reasonable doubt and that one thing will come to define them, their story, their world…. and it’s all very America. It’s the fabric of our country… differences, speaking your truth in a non-violent fashion to effect change?

For me, that “thing” is many things. It’s becoming a mom, losing a child, trying everything in my power to become pregnant again so I can finally KNOW what it’s like for a dream to be made real.

Mostly though, for me it’s time and time is EVERYTHING. This journey has consumed me for 10 years. Ever changing, evolving, growing, mutating. I hardly remember a time when this idea wasn’t the driving force of my whole existence….

With baby making on the back burner these days, I do still hold out a little hope. Each month when the 28th cycle day comes I hold out hope that some seemingly accidental miracle will find its way to me…. and so far, it has yet to. Another month, another negative test and I resign myself to keep pushing through because the battle is not over yet.

I continue to offer up time, more time to keep losing weight. Time to force myself to focus on other things. I live a pretty charming life from the outside, but believe me it’s not without struggle, sacrifice and heartbreak. Some day though…. some day it will all be worth it.

** please remember to be kind and considerate with any commenting.

Weight Loss

Memoirs of an Awkward Girl….

Oh my gosh– sorry I feel like it’s been 5ever since I had the time, topic and wherewithal to compose a blog post!! For that I’m sorry!!

Today, today was pretty neat.

I’m currently down 78lbs and today I must have picked the right outfit to showcase this thang because I felt like every set of eyes that passed me had to stop and gush about my weight loss! Thank YOU skinny jeans — sheesh that was a lot more attention than I bargained for!!

Don’t get me wrong — I’m stoked that I’m still consistently losing weight and it’s obviously showing! The thing is I personally, am lousy at accepting compliments!!! I turn into THE most awkward girl ever!!!

I don’t know when it started or why this happens and I know I am sure not the only one – awkward girls everywhere UNITE!!! I really am trying to figure out a graceful way to accept all the attention and praise– but it’s so tricky!!!

I will say this, to the many people that have personally reached out to me and shared your stories, your triumphs, failures, fears and ultimately support and praise — THOSE are the things that keep me going. I never in my wildest dreams would think this thing I’m doing could touch someone else and to hear that it has!?? Well that just is a priceless gift. Thank YOU all for that.

As for me, I have a bit of a time patting myself on the back at this juncture because I’m only about half way to my goal! I still have SO FAR to go!!

Now wait – hold on internet moms of mine everywhere. I know your gut reaction is going to be to tell me I need to celebrate and rejoice all the tiny wins that equal up to this momentous weight loss but honestly, I’m just trying to stay focused and humble so I can see this thing through!!!

This point – this weight- is the point that i have never been able to surpass. I get here, something happens- I revert back to old ways and it all goes downhill! That won’t be happening this time. I’ve approached this all so so differently time, but the fear and angst still looms that somehow I’ll screw it up!!!

So, in light of such a lovely day of compliments, praise, and raised eyebrow glances I just say thank you… and keep on trucking down this road!!!!

oh, and here’s a progress photo in case you wondered what 78 pounds looks like!

Trying on Jeans at Maurice’s, they fit. Not as well as I’d like but it’s still a huge win. I never fit in their pants before and now I wear a size 20-22! Skipped right over their largest size and making my way down!!

Start (March) vs tonight post workout! I’m a hawt mess– emphasis on the HAWT! Hahhaa