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A little about me…

May 12, 2017

So, I’m an Angel Mom. 

Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes I’m not– and I maintain that it’s ok to feel that way! We aren’t always in control of the emotions that we feel, and I think it’s better to get those emotions out however you can in order to move forward. Though, we won’t forget and it may never stop hurting, we do what we can to self preserve. 

The 2nd thing I think is important to tell you is, I swear. Sometimes a lot. I am not terribly religious, though I do pray and look to a higher power, but I wouldn’t say that I subscribe to any specific organized religion. I don’t seek to deliberately offend, so if things like cursing bother you it’s best to just scoot along, this may not be for you! 

My husband and I have been TTC off and on for over 8 years. Sometimes with assistance and sometimes on our own. Some of these posts may be very detailed and graphic– if you’re TTC you will probably get it. Your sensitivity to these things gets worn down pretty quick!! 

Thats about it, hopefully if you’re still reading this you will find this information helpful!! 

TTC

Clear Blur

Yes, things are clear and I am somewhat blue. 

I mean, I am and I’m not. I predicted these results. They certainly make sense at least, unlike so many other times where we went to hell and back and everything seemed SO CERTAIN only to get this brand of result. 

This time is a little different. 

Only having one round of troops into battle I knew going in that the odds were not ever in my favor here, but along with everyone else my stupid brain reminds me about the age old adage that “it only takes one” … and I still held out some secret hope that this could actually happen to us. I attempted the double reverse fake out jinx tactic where I tempt fate to prove me wrong by giving me what I actually want!! Fate apparently, is on to the double jinx.

So I’ve been trying to strategize my next move. Are we still on treatment break? Do we try naturally? Do we take a month completely off? What?…. Let’s check the old calendar and see what’s up? Now, if Aunt Flo shows up in the next day or two like she’s supposed to that’ll park my next fertile window…. aw crap. 

Amazing hubby landed an awesome new job this week! It’s been part of the reason that last cycle was so unimpressive. It really is difficult to “try” to get pregnant when you have many other things going on, and I get that. Being that we had already declared a bit of a break I didn’t force the issue like I normally would. FERTILITY OVER EVERYTHING is usually my stance, but this month I just kinda let it happen- or not in this case which is fine. It was very much worth it! I’m so excited for this new opportunity for hubby, it’s so nice to see him happy about something again.

New job starts November 1st and the first day wil be served in San Francisco smack dab in the middle of fertile window. Shit. The entire window he will be gone. There’s no acceptable scenario where I piggyback and go along on the trip- even if I could swing it logistically how awful for him would that be to be starting a new job, meeting people at headquarters and also having to be on call for doin’ it??? Yah no… the answer to my query has now been revealed. 

Here’s the thing. 

It’s not ideal. Sure. It’s not part what I want certainly, but at this point I can look at this and MAKE it the plan for this cycle. I can deal with any awful thing, if it’s part of the plan. It’s the unexpected curveballs, and left field nonsense that derails my lovely plans and expectations that really make my head spin. So, for at least the immediate now – this month we’re off. 
We are REALLY off. 

For the first time in almost a decade I won’t have to worry about any of this. I won’t have to try to fake out my lady parts or the universe. I won’t have to remind myself to have hope- cause it only takes one. No charting, forced intimacy, symptom spotting, no driving myself crazy and NO nonsense.
It’s going to be a good month for distraction, which I should have plenty of thankfully, but it will not break me to really BE on break. 

  • Cycle Day: 34
  • Tests: 1 ⛔️
  • Mental State: Sure, whatever. 
TTC

Guess what????

Ya know what kind of sucks? Having good news. Cause anytime you have good news to tell someone, or manage to get excited about something you can tell that whomever it is you’re about to spill beans to will think you’re pregnant… It’s like, I should just lead with “and no we’re not pregnant”… but I don’t. There’s always this giddy anticipation hanging in the air… you can feel the disappointment deflate like a balloon when they realize that we aren’t… still aren’t.  I’m guessing that just reading the heading of this post the balloon is deflating even now as you realize that GUESS WHAT— I’m not pregnant. 

We’re nearing the end of the 1st natural cycle on this little mini break, and I’m just not thinking anything about it. Sure sure — it’s POSSIBLE. We managed to put one point on the scoreboard when the end zone was hot (how’my doing on the old sports metaphors????) I just don’t know that I believe…. after EVERYTHING we’ve been through that it’s gonna go down like that. But hey— I would LOVE to be proven wrong! In fact, I’d much rather be proven terribly wrong than to pour all my hopes, dreams and wishes into this cycle and have to pick them all up again and reassemble them when it all comes crashing down…. many people don’t get this.

Most people haven’t had to pick up all their pieces and put them all back together month after month… year after year. It’s been 8 years…figure 10-12 cycles each year… that’s going on 100 times I’ve had to convince myself that this will all work out. This will all be worth it. I deserve this. I can do this. I still want this!! And I do… but also I’m tired and worn the hell out. 

I will say this, and end on a positive note— I have caught myself enjoying the freedom of the mini break. I’ve enjoyed occasional alcohol, been careless with my supplements, gone to Disneyland twice, and have looked at my fertility calendar no more than once a week (as opposed to several times daily)…. it has been nice to shift focus even though my one track mind tends to steer me back here it’s not all bad! 

  • Cycle Day: 28
  • Treatments: None
  • Days to expected AF: 5
  • Mental State: Meh… I know that’s not really an emotion… but it’s what I am right now. Meh!

TTC

The next life….

Sometimes rest evades me. As much as I long for sleep, rest, and a world where things don’t hurt quite so much… sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

Often on these sleepless nights I find myself drawn to a hot shower in the pitch black. Lighted only by whatever moon happens to be shining valiantly through the high window of my shower… tonight was no different. A glorious crescent moon, with bright glowing edges hung deep in the heavens playfully smiling at me as if to say it would all be ok… sometimes the universe really does try it’s best to lift my tires spirit.

Brought a thought to my mind… recently, in a moment of what we’ll call “weakness” I sought out a pregnancy psychic. Curiosity got the better of me really, I can’t explain why else I would seek this sort of thing out. One thing she said (through her broken Italian to English translation, that is) was the spirit of my unborn child was on its way, but still trying to resolve its “unfinished business” (again the translation was a little spotty I’m guessing that’s what she meant) so that it could be incarnated into the next life (aka my child)….. Do I believe this sort of thing ??? I dunno…. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ there’s a part of me that would like to??? The more logical.. rational part thinks it’s hooey— but since I can’t pinpoint an actual logical reason for this madness…. fantasy it is. 

Looking at this magnificent moon shining down into my window tonight I wonder what that spirit might be up to? What’s keeping it from coming my way? Where is it? Is it possibly under the same moon as me right now? Living some alternate life before heading to me?? Does it see us?? And how much we want it to be here with us??

I dunno… on a particularly low Wednesday the thought is somewhat comforting and also a bit melancholy.

If this sort of thing bares any truth… I sure hope our time is approaching. I sure am exhausted from carrying this load, pretending like it doesn’t hurt-despite my efforts to be true-there’s still a lot of hiding in the shadows I dare not let show.
Goodnight moon… and goodnight to whatever and whoever it is that I’m waiting for….
Photo Source

TTC

Shoulda Coulda Woulda’s and other things that still hurt despite a Wonderful Life.

I’ve been having a super hard time sharing lately. Some of you may have noticed I’ve been abnormally quiet lately. Trying to figure out my “spin” on some frustrating feelings and it’s a tough thing to pin down.

We’ve made some choices lately, awesome, exciting, selfish and fun choices that are not in any way fertility serving or related. I’ve been having trouble allowing myself to be happy and confident about them. We deserve to have fun and do things that make us feel happy, remind us why we love being together and make our bond stronger…. but in making those choices we removed other opportunities and choices regarding future fertility treatments.

We’ve spent the last 8 years trying to get pregnant- and for the last year of that it has been the primary focus of our lives…. and it’s HARD!!! It’s mentally and physically taxing. We’ve suffered loss, and somehow at the end of that difficult year we are and aren’t closer to reaching the finish line. We know now IT CAN HAPPEN now….. but the questions and challenges still remain and I find myself wondering WILL IT happen more often than I care to admit.

This journey is one of pain, longing, stress, and a lot of telling myself to be stronger and more positive than I may actually be. I want to bring light and positivity to others…. but at the same time there are so many days where I just can’t get it up for the world and I just want to feel frustrated and angry that for some reason the universe continues to withhold the last missing piece and I can’t for the life of me figure out WHY!!!!! Despite so many other amazing things that may be going right— this one missing piece haunts me.

Meanwhile, when I look up from my own journey I feel my heart break wide open for others that are fighting their own battles that are totally different than mine. I tell myself to “suck it up” and shame myself for indulging my feelings because others “have it so much worse”…. and while all of that may be true…. one journey cannot possibly be measured against another.

Every journey is unique and no one else is strong enough to move the mountain that has been assigned to you. It’s grueling…. and all the more laborious if you don’t allow yourself to experience what you’re feeling and constantly suppress and stifle yourself for the sake of putting up a brave face.

So in the end…. this life is pretty great. There’s so much here to be grateful for… and sometimes despite all of that I still hurt, and I must keep pressing on! However I can…. 

TTC

Rest, Repair and Rebuild


Today, is Cycle day One… and I hardly have words for it. There were lots of signs, symptoms, and it felt like the world was finally set right and things were aligning perfectly just for me!! So for my AF to show up today just seems a bit cruel and unfair.

We failed….

And there’s no explanation, no refunds, no redemption.

It’s a bit of a gut punch. Coming off the high of a wonderful vacation with my love, with the hope that later this week I would finally get my BFP (big fat positive)… only to begin my period a few days early is a hard pill to swallow.

I’m doing my best to remain positive. It’s easy to be grateful, I know how very lucky I am to have this awesome life, as well as a caring and considerate parter to hold my hand through it all. But I can’t explain away the hurt, disappointment, and numbness that comes with such repetitive failure after trying as hard as we do.

Dreams sometimes take their time coming true. Sometimes your heart gets broken… and you have to Rest, Repair and Rebuild. Never Give Up.

For now… the only cure for this broken heart is Star Wars, chocolate, and a nap!

AngelMom, TTC

A girl with a secret

  • Cycle Day: 15
  • Treatments: 3 follicle scans to check egg growth process, IUI scheduled for this week!! 
  • Meds: 225 IU HMG (7 total), HCG injection to trigger ovulation 
  • Mental State: Calm, Ready. 


This photo was take last November, right after I found out I was pregnant. I felt so mischievous knowing such an important amazing thing… that I could share with no one…..

Oh who am I kidding. We were bursting at the seems!!!! We didn’t tell everyone– but we did blab our big news to a handful of people. Mostly people we’d been sharing or struggles with. Infertility and treatments are so isolating– all you want is for people to understand what you’re going through and to feel valid and supported in your choices it was so nice to finally have something GOOD to share with those people!!!

We decided not to tell our parents, not yet anyway. We had already sort of planned to get both my husband’s parents here for Christmas and I knew it wouldn’t be TOOOO hard to get my mom here so we’d wait until Christmas to put together some magical way of telling all of our parents at the same time.

Along the way, there were a few people who were surprised at our decision to share so early on “oh it’s too early!! You should wait til after the first trimester” WHY I thought!!??? It did not even occur to me that early loss could be our reality all I knew was that THIS WAS IT…..

And then it wasn’t. 

If someone shares with you that they’re pregnant please don’t question why they’ve told you– at whatever point. They’ll probably spend the rest of their lives thinking they jinxed it…. because that’s what you’re saying.

Plus, if the unspeakable should happen— it’s your job to be there for that. In whatever capacity they need you to be.

I wonder daily if I jinxed my baby… and I wonder when I get pregnant (because I will!!) — if I will jinx it again!? I doubt I’ll keep my pregnancy super secret in the future because throughout this journey I have found such comfort in sharing the experiences and growing a cheering squad that would make any sports team green with envious rage— and why wouldn’t I share the good stuff too!!! That, and also because I need support. I need people in my corner. Celebrating, and praying and sending all those good vibes into the world! Live in this world with me, please. 

Please recognize that If someone shares their life with you, they’ve picked this time and this place to be truthful, even if it hurts. Even if it doesn’t turn out like it should. Please don’t judge people for craving that connection and letting you in. 

For now, we are going into the following week with our insemination scheduled, hoping, praying, and willing for this time to be IT!! I don’t know when I will feel open to sharing more news, but when that time comes I trust you will be there…. 

TTC

Liquid Luck!

  • Cycle Day 9
  • Treatment: Sonohystogram – YOUCH!! 
  • Treatment: Follicle Scan- 3 measuring 12-14 
  • Medications: 225 IU HMG injection 
  • Mental State: Relieved, Excited

We just recently re-binged the Harry Potter series and I swear, for this day you would have thought that I’d been chugging some Liquid Luck serum!! Expelliamus Infertility!! 

I had a big day at the ‘ol fertility clinic, one I’d been dreading in fact. I agreed to have a very expensive and painful scan done today to make sure that my baby factory didn’t have any defects that might be preventing Little Baby Loudon from setting up shop.

I’ve had this test done before so I was very aware just how painful it is. In 2014 I had several polyps removed from my uterus and this scan was to make sure they have not grown back— and Hallelujah thank you Baby Jesus they have not!!!!

In anticipation of a good clean report my doc had already started hormones so that if we got the green light we’d be right on track to continue on to IUI- which we are!

He did a scan of not only my super awesome free of polyps uterus, but also checked in on both ovaries which are busy making follicles (pre embryos) which when big enough will be triggered by injection to all ovulate giving us as many chances as (responsibly) possible for us to conceive on this cycle!!

Tonight also marks the start of injections, and that went great too!! Thanks to hubby who’s become quite skilled at stabbing me in the booty with a large needle! Joy!!

That’s all I’ve got for tonight.

For this day in my life, things went according to plan and it doesn’t get better than that!!
fingers crossed everyone

🀞🏼🀞🏼🀞🏼🀞🏼🀞🏼🀞🏼