Roller coaster does not quite cover it. 

May 22, 2017

Roller coaster does not quite cover it.

I feel like, my emotional state is a moment to moment thing. One second I can be totally calm and certain that I am totally going to be pregnant this cycle…. then I blink and all of a sudden a tidal wave sweeps over me and I’m suffocating in thoughts of fear, doubt… and anxiousness.

Any signal I get from my body could mean I’m pregnant– or it could mean my period is eminent!!! It’s soooo fucked up!!!!! I have no clue what to think. I want to remain positive but I want to prepare my heart!!! I’m so torn!

You know it’s bad when you are afraid to go to the bathroom for fear you will find what you already expect that the liner you put down just in case is now no longer a preventive measure. 

Wanting to find out, but knowing I’m not ready for the results because it means there’s a 50/50 chance that it’s over. I’m not ready to give up! I still want to fight!! I want to punch and kick and scream and claw as tears run down my face — because I’m not done yet!!!!!

I want this baby! This life!!! This chance!!!!!! I need this chance to prove I WILL be a good mother. To see what our kid would be like?!?! Please!!!!!!!!

I don’t know how else to fight… I tried with everything I had this month! Every time I had to do something hard, or painful I’d tell myself “it will all be worth it”….. but now sitting here thinking my period is coming I have to wonder….will it!???? I’m so tired and beaten down. What else can I do but plead and beg to a God I’m not even sure can hear me… please!!!! Please don’t take this chance away!!!!


8 thoughts on “Roller coaster does not quite cover it. ”

  1. Sending prayers your way. If I can be so bold as to offer a suggestion. I know. I have no idea what you’re going through, but I do know all this anxiety isn’t good for you. What I would do is try to focus on another goal, like writing a book, or painting, or reading. Anything that will calm you down when that roller coaster ride hits you. I’m wondering if all this anxiety is keeping you from getting pregnant. Set another goal you can feel good about so getting pregnant isn’t the only one you have. Then start working toward that goal. It’ll relieve your anxiety and you’ll feel better. 🙂 ((Hugs)) I just thought this might help. I apologize if it doesn’t. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No it’s quite helpful. This excerpt was from a few months back when I was pumped full of fertility hormones and just before a failed IUI. I’ve taken the last few months to sort of debrief myself and I’m trying very hard to distract myself from the anxiety that has manifested with this infertility. I’m trying to focus on what I can control, but occasionally I do lose sight of that. Thanks for stating what I already know to be true, must focus on the controllable factors! 😉


      1. It did! 😉 I appreciate your feedback! I finally finished my post from today, very much about what we’ve discussed!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Big love to you. It can be the hardest thing, almost impossible to get out of your own head. I remember my husband saying to me when we were trying (failing) for our second child – “Just stop thinking about it.” But you can’t. You can’t escape your own body and your own thoughts..
    Try though, if you can.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know, right!??? It’s a fine line between acknowledging the feelings and letting them rule you! Doing my best to focus on what I can control! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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