AngelMom, TTC

The girl I want to be.

April 13, 2017

Reflecting on past tense. I want to be this girl. I want to be fierce, powerful and hopeful that this time things will be different. I want to feel pretty, comfortable, voluminous and confident. This time things will work out. This girl had faith, courage, fear and hope but balanced them all like spinning plates. This is the face of a girl that went on her lunch break to her fertility doctor to get knocked up. Oh the things we do. The things that can become “normal”. It was Halloween, I was dressed in my most fabulous 80s Material Girl garb, on my lunch break and I was on top of the world. I want to be her.

Present day me can only spin one plate at a time before everything crashes and breaks. I break. Present day me wants to shout when I struggle, struggle to share, struggle to smile – even just a simple smile to a stranger that says “hey I’m ok”, I struggle to quiet the angry, frustrated thoughts that have moved in like a stormfront.

I want desperately for you all to know. To understand that the pain of knowing I may never be this girl again is devastating. 

It’s so unfair that this journey has not only taken away my child, but has also taken away basic parts of who I am…. and all of these losses are non-refundable.

2 thoughts on “The girl I want to be.”

  1. I read evey word of what you are feeling, and I empathize with you. I too went through many of these things, and lost two babies. Thank goodness for Drugs, and lots of injections for I was an habitual aborter, and was told I would never be able to carry a child. The rest is history ~ I got lucky, not once but three times! I hope and pray that your journey will produce the same for you two. I so very much want to see you happy and blessed with a child Aisya ~ dreams do come true. Do what you have to get through this difficult time,
    and just know that we are behind you one hundred percent, and that we love you both very much!

    Liked by 1 person

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