AngelMom, TTC

Karate James

  • Cycle Day: 29
  • Status: Two Week Wait in full effect
  • Mental State: Hopeful

I’ve never really told the story of Karate James…. I figure now is a good time. Since, some day around this time he would have been born.

It was our third attempt at IUI. I was several days late and had already tested negative a few days prior. Feeling some symptoms, I reluctantly bought a “good” pregnancy test – anyone TTC knows there are good ones, and the ones you buy in bulk cause who can afford the “good” ones at the rate we blow through them! I sat there staring at the digital hour glass waiting expectantly for “not pregnant” to appear like it always does… bitter and annoyed that obviously any minute it would pop up and ruin my day…. and then all of a sudden…. the greatest word appeared, “pregnant”. “What!?!?” I audibly asked this thing I just peed on… “WHAT!???”

We’ve always joked and never quite been in agreement about what we’d name our kid some day. At times there were names we both could agree not to hate. In the end we figured that was a problem for “Future Us” to solve so we never really negotiated to completion on the subject. One thing I knew, was that our kid would need a really awesome name…

While watching the Olympic summer games there was an athlete named Karani James. Except, every time the announcer called his name it sounded like Karate. We both laughed and agreed that’d be a badass name for a kid. We’d never actually do that of course… would we??? No of course not that would be ridiculous……

I swear, the minute we knew I was pregnant, even though we didn’t know the baby’s sex we started calling our kid Karate. It was the perfect name for our “pre-kid”. Karate, was obviously awesome and James is my husbands middle name so we’ve covered our basis there with some tradition– BAM!? Perfect!  I mean sure, we’d come up with a real, suitable name for him in the next several months, but for now —Karate James was all that mattered.

I got to hold Karate for a grand total of 8 weeks. Thanks to a troubling ultrasound at 5 weeks, half of that time was spent worried that it would all end. Wondering if it was ever even real. And knowing that as fast as it all began it would soon be over. I did consciously decide to enjoy how much time I was granted, but it was really tough being given an open end on something so precious. “Maybe this will work out – and maybe not”.

I have found out a lot about myself since I lost Karate. It’s ever unfolding and evolving, but I persist. In the pursuit of a family, I know in my gut we will have some day.

Every single day, I see something that reminds me of those 8 amazing weeks where I was a mom, and I’m desperate for that feeling again.

I went for a walk the other day, and a breeze kicked up and all around and I felt him there. I closed my eyes and let the wind blow my hair and face, and I felt a powerful peace sweep over me…. I’m thankful for moments like that. Times where I can connect with him somehow, and I feel him nudging my life forward.

For now, I cherish the miracle that we had to give back. Because, no matter the outcome he sure was a miracle. Happy Unbirthday Karate.

TTC

Why do you want this so bad anyway???

Current status

  • Cycle Day: 33
  • Fertility Treatments: None
  • Pregnancy Tests: 2, both 👎🏼 
  • Emotional Status: Ambivalence

Lately, I’ve been asking myself WHY a lot. Why do I want this so bad? Why is it not happening for me? Why can’t I seem to feel better about the waiting, and the trying!? Why why why!! That feeling of unknown helplessness is really hard to shake.

And I may have stumbled upon at least part of the answer the other day in the shower. While flushing away the day, and contemplating the meaning of it all…. the following thought popped into my brain. It went something like this:

“You’ve been telling yourself not to give up, and to see this through. At all costs…. but, why is it so important to have kids after all?” …. I paused for a moment…. and answered myself with the following:

I think of my childhood sometimes. My mom was a teen mom, before MTV  made it a reality show- it was our reality. She did the very best she could – and miraculously I grew up into a real live functioning adult woman. I love her so much, appreciate everything she did and sacrificed to keep me and to raise me. There was however, a lot that I missed out on as a kid and even then I was at least somewhat aware of it.  There was no father in the picture, so just on a very basic level there were things I yearned for that were just not within reach.

So, fast forward to today, I seem to have an invisible list in my head of all the things I ever wanted as a child and I’m in a position to give all of those things to my own children—now! I think there’s a part of me that feels like if I could do that, then any lingering feelings about my own childhood would be resolved.

Whoa??? Hmmmm….. could it be that simple??? Does everyone that decides to have kids already know and feel this way? I feel like I’m late to the party having just come to this realization… better late than never I suppose. 

Now, I’m aware that the concept is flawed…. I think everyone has bits of their childhood they wish they could change, erase, supplement or alter, but those are the things that makeus who we are! Accepting your own journey is important. For me, I need to accept that if we never have kids I’ve still managed to give my adult self a pretty awesome life !!

So, in the end this thought process did manage to ease the tension a bit on my own shoulders. I’m trying to give myself a break, and some room to just be. 

(And Mom, if you’re reading this… thank you for my childhood, no one’s is perfect, but I know how hard you worked to give me the one I had. Hopefully some day, we can spoil the hell out of your grandkids and make their lives way better than our own!) 

TTC

 A tale from our first IUI

June 3, 2017


First of all look at us??? Aren’t we adorable!!?? Oh us!? Currently, we have completed 5 IUI cycles and I tell you every single one is a little different! 

Our first IUI was right around my birthday (August 2016) so I had all this cosmic false hope that obviously the “Universe” wanted this to happen??? (Well yah no the Universe had other plans but whatever).

Our first crack at IUI was basically just a practice run. I really really really expensive fucking practice run.

There were a lot of things wrong on paper with that cycle. We had only begun our relationship wish Dr Shane, my fertility doc. We didn’t know what to expect from my ovaries, but were hopeful that they’d at least give us one folicle. I’ve always had unpredictable cycles, and my weight always seems to be a factor though Dr Shane has never made my weight an issue, which is so refreshing! 

We decided on a modest plan of 5m Femara for 5 days to help kick start the growth of folicles and see where that gets us. Took a while, but did manage to yield one viable folicle and a 2nd that looked like it could also trigger, so away we went. I mean, it was a fairly normal, but not terribly impressive cycle . It was our first try, it was satisfactory. 

All of this was so NEW and foreign to me. There are SO MANY pieces to juggle and everything must be done at a precise time– and it only gets more and more complicated! I know now that we had it easy that cycle!! No HMG shots, 1 trigger shot and I think I only had 3 ultrasound check ups before we were ready to go to IUI.

Even with a pretty low level cycle it’s easy to miss or delay a step which then throws everything off — especially because while this was my first time with all of this, the doctors and nurses basically expect that you know what you’re doing and don’t really explain half this shit!! I wound up googling literally EVERYTHING. I watched YouTube videos, some girls actually filmed their experiences in office, some had lost babies and I remember thinking I just don’t know that I could handle that!!! After everything??? To lose he baby after all this would be devastating??? (And…. yah… it is.)

You’d think with additional googling and obsessing I would have actually done things right– NOPE! I read our IUI instruction schedule wrong and ended up doing the trigger shot at the wrong time. Was supposed to do it at 5pm on Tuesday and ended up doing it at 8am Wednesday -the day before IUI which was way too late…. Even still, I figured we still had a better chance than usual so I just went along with it. 

This was my first experience with injections, the only shot that cycle was a trigger shot to spark ovulation. I’ve never had to prepare and take an injection?! I was a wreck!! I was literally shaking and fumbling with all the pieces and different needles that come with it. I felt like I was trying to disarm an explosive— “Red needle or blue one!??? I can’t remember what the nurse said!!!!! Ahhhhh!”

Based on my (misread) instructions this shot had to take place while I was at work. Luickly I had a coworker who excitedly agreed to stab me in the butt with a needle. Though I think once she actually SAW the size of the needle she immediately regretted her decision to volunteer! 

We made our way to the ladies room, which at 8 am was all a flutter with ladies fixing their hair and getting ready for the day. Meanwhile, I’m awkwardly trying to prepare this injection while they walk by and wonder “What’s up with the crazy girl with needles”. A few nosy onlookers stopped to inquire and interview me… Lovely,  fielding questions from random passers by about my fertility, fantastic. #mortified

Finally we were ready. We retreated to the handicapped stall where she plunged the giant needle in and we both giggled and squealed… how terribly odd. I am lucky however, to have some friends willing to fall head first down this rabbit hole with me! 

That first cycle obviously tanked, but onward and upward. All you can do is learn, absorb and press on!!!

TTC

Roller coaster does not quite cover it. 

May 22, 2017

Roller coaster does not quite cover it.

I feel like, my emotional state is a moment to moment thing. One second I can be totally calm and certain that I am totally going to be pregnant this cycle…. then I blink and all of a sudden a tidal wave sweeps over me and I’m suffocating in thoughts of fear, doubt… and anxiousness.

Any signal I get from my body could mean I’m pregnant– or it could mean my period is eminent!!! It’s soooo fucked up!!!!! I have no clue what to think. I want to remain positive but I want to prepare my heart!!! I’m so torn!

You know it’s bad when you are afraid to go to the bathroom for fear you will find what you already expect that the liner you put down just in case is now no longer a preventive measure. 

Wanting to find out, but knowing I’m not ready for the results because it means there’s a 50/50 chance that it’s over. I’m not ready to give up! I still want to fight!! I want to punch and kick and scream and claw as tears run down my face — because I’m not done yet!!!!!

I want this baby! This life!!! This chance!!!!!! I need this chance to prove I WILL be a good mother. To see what our kid would be like?!?! Please!!!!!!!!

I don’t know how else to fight… I tried with everything I had this month! Every time I had to do something hard, or painful I’d tell myself “it will all be worth it”….. but now sitting here thinking my period is coming I have to wonder….will it!???? I’m so tired and beaten down. What else can I do but plead and beg to a God I’m not even sure can hear me… please!!!! Please don’t take this chance away!!!!

Please.

AngelMom, TTC

IUI cycle #5

So, I know you guys might be wondering… cycle #5 IUI was a big fat negative.

I actually started my period on the plane ride up to Washington for my little sisters wedding. “Luckily” I had been so emotional the two days prior that I think I cried all possible tears available and by the time I got to Washington I was completely void of any emotion.

I still kind of am… I pretty much feel nothing. I can’t believe that after everything we did last month, and how great the cycle was on paper that it just didn’t take. More money down the drain, more torture on myself that basically does me no good in present day. And, due to the timing and being out of town we are on the bench as far as treatments are concerned this current cycle. We can still try naturally- and we will- it just makes me really bitter and angry that the last cycle didn’t work because I really did lay it all out, placed every last hope I had in it only to realize I have to scoop up all my broken hopes, dreams, fears and insecurities and do it all again.

I spent a good deal of time with my niece and nephew and squeezed and hugged on them when I was in Washington which was a blessing… but also just makes it hurt so much seeing how natural it is to me to be around children… but all the while I am struggling to keep fighting the good fight to have my own. MY OWN… not adopt, surrogate, foster or any other solution someone might suggest to me in passing thinking that will fix my desire to become pregnant and carry a child of my own. These are all fine ideas and I know they come from only the best place of wanting to lessen the pain I feel…. but some wounds cannot be bandaged.

For now, I’m trying to find a way to push forward in spite of feeling like I’ve failed… again. Trying to figure out how to just be happy with all the many blessings we already have, and make sure my marriage stays strong despite constantly running it through the gauntlet every time we sign up to go through this again!

#nevergiveup

AngelMom, TTC

Could it be

This excerpt was written about two months ago. It’s fitting and appropriate to share now because I’m in the middle of the “two week wait” to find out if our last cycle is going to take or not. Again, keep in mind this is something I wrote a while ago. I don’t want my readers to worry about how dark my writing has been. I know it’s hard to read, but it’s important to know that this is part of the process and I’m doing well. Getting this all out in the open is helping me heal. 

March 14, 2017

Could it be?

The shittiest question I have to ask myself over and over again.

Trying to get pregnant is not “fun”. At least for me it’s not. It’s meant nothing but fear, frustration, doubt, and worry. We have been trying to have a baby for…. ever??! At least it seems that way. I’ve been ready to start our family since we got married – (2006) I mean looking back I wasn’t “ready ready” until the last few (we’ll say 5) years. And we’ve been blessed to find a great doctor last year that might actually get us to the finish line. But I digress….

Could it be? Is it finally here!?!? The shittiest god damn mind fuck of my 30 something life. Each cycle, at the end of the dreaded two week wait comes that magical time where every single thing my body does is super apparent to me, and is also a possible sign of early pregnancy. So fuck me right!??

Every cycle, around mid month I get to play the mental game of “is this finally it”!!!! And all but once, it never is. Currently, my period is two days late…. I’ve taken a total of 3 home pregnancy tests and they all of course say 🖕🏼⛔️🚽 . So what’s a girl to do??

I know that likely, any minute there’s going to be a crime scene in my pants… and in my brain. As soon as my period arrives in whatever anti-graceful fashion it decides, my [rational] brain clicks off and the NutsbergerCrazyTown portion of my brain takes charge and proceeds to fill my head up with all the things I’ve ever failed at complete with slow motion playback of all of my friends who have happy healthy babies and pregnancies and at that point every fiber in my body just wants me to give up. Just fucking give up…

But how???

Seriously!? This isn’t something I’m capable of giving up on. I don’t even know HOW!??! Especially now that I know it’s POSSIBLE!?? Granted, now I’m missing a part (right filopian tube) that I wasn’t missing before but…. cmon??? I mean there HAS TO BE HOPE HERE!? So…. could this be it??? Is it finally my turn?? Stay tuned….. 📻⏰🙄

AngelMom, TTC

The Neverending Story…

May 11, 2017

So you decide to start a family. It takes a long time to come to this unified decision with your spouse. But finally, you are both buckled in and on board! Then…. things don’t go as planned …..

One of the hardest parts is, the internal battle you fight each month to not give in to the feelings of doubt and sadness. This feeling can be summed up in one image from my 80s childhood.

I struggle to only think good, happy wonderful nice things. I really try to only encourage myself and really pep talk my way into thinking that THIS IS IT!!! I will be pregnant this time!!!!!

And always… like it does the swamp starts to suck me in. I start to talk myself down. It’s a defense mechanism really. I’ve already told the universe precisely what I’m after, I’ve done the work, I’ve prayed, meditated, visualized… and yet the little voice in my head goes “you do realize this could all blow up in your face and you will be back to square one right” “you should prepare yourself if this doesn’t work” ….. and just like Artax…. there is no saving me from these thoughts.

In an effort to drown them instead of me. I am locking them here. In my virtual drawer so that they are muffled and not rolling around my head causing irreparable damage.

This will be it.

I will not let the fear of failure drown me.

I am stronger than my fear and my doubt.