Tag: two week wait

TTC

Darling, you’re a shooting star!

Confessions of an Angel Mom

I’ve been sitting out here for about a hour now. In my very own piece of the world… my quiet backyard. Feeling the wind ruffle through my hair and hands. Listening to the soundtrack of my life as played by the rustling trees….. I do this often.

I spend my time gazing up at the stars. Watching them, following them… and of course wishing on them. Light years away, I wonder if they’re looking down on me as I struggle and as I conquer…

A tear gleans down my cheek…. for almost no reason at all. It’s just so beautiful, and tragic … I plead up at them for a sign, any sign … close my eyes take a long deep breath with the current and feel a full stream of tears fall.

I open my eyes to bid them goodnight, as I always do … and just then… the perfect moment for the universe to acknowledge me…. a shooting star! I mean, what are the chances anyone else was watching at that exact moment in space time…. no, I have no doubt– it was for me. A wink and a smile from the kind and generous universe to keep going. Keep looking up, keep making wishes darling….

Please let this be a sign that my miracle is on its way, spinning all the star stuff together to send a precious miracle my way.

Goodnight planet Earth….

TTC

My Love/Hate Relationship with the Universe

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Sometimes I have a very complicated relationship with the universe.

I’m not terribly religious. I grew up Christian, but I have issues balancing the math when I see how some Christians behave. I just scratch my head and I can’t quite get all the way on board. I subscribe to a more universal spirituality always trying to shift my own energy to a positive place, be nice to people and let the universe sort out the judgement part. I believe, that the universe understands what I need and is making a way to provide it to me…. most days.

But days like today, it’s hard. Day 13 of 14 in the very first two week wait as we start trying to get pregnant again…. I’ve felt very certain that everything had finally aligned (not unlike every other time we do this mind you) and there were symptoms and signs pointing toward finally attaining this miracle only to wake today and have all signs pointing the other way.

I don’t know.

There’s a lot to be thankful for.

There’s so much good here, and luckily we have the opportunity to keep at it. It was certainly the most “fun” I’ve had while TTC in a really long time! Felt less like a “job” or a chore than it had during all the months of treatments we’ve done in the past….

But damnit. Again with the hard math. Sometimes I just really wanna FIGHT with the universe and shake it!!! Screaming and crying and asking WHYYYYYY!??? But the it doesn’t work like that. That’s not the energy I want flowing, I don’t want to feel robbed or mislead… or like the universe keeps breaking their promise to me! How does one keep the negative thoughts at bay??? My daily struggle.

For now… I just ask for peace and calm in light of more waiting which I am lousy at. Bring patience and faith because I seem to be running low all of a sudden. Help me let go…..

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

A slogan to believe in….

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Here’s the thing, typically I couldn’t care any less about football than I currently do. I actually kind of despise it for being so intrusive on my newsfeed when it’s happening and honestly as someone who watches a maximum of one game per annum I just sort of let the whole Kaepernick thing slide over my head and chose not to be involved in any of it. I mean, I’m a white woman who is pretty privileged and has not been subject to much racism or social struggle- “not my circus not my monkeys” sort of thing.

Then this Nike campaign happened…

And people are going APE SHIT. I mean, they’ve technically BEEN going ape shit I’ve just been ignoring it, but something about that quote… really resonated with me.

I came home sick today and woke up with that quote ringing in my ears. It’s the very basis of what my own life has been about for the last decade and that alone— is hard.

I am sure it’s not supposed to be about me… but that quote applies to everyone and THAT is likely the point. Everyone who breathes has something they believe in beyond any reasonable doubt and that one thing will come to define them, their story, their world…. and it’s all very America. It’s the fabric of our country… differences, speaking your truth in a non-violent fashion to effect change?

For me, that “thing” is many things. It’s becoming a mom, losing a child, trying everything in my power to become pregnant again so I can finally KNOW what it’s like for a dream to be made real.

Mostly though, for me it’s time and time is EVERYTHING. This journey has consumed me for 10 years. Ever changing, evolving, growing, mutating. I hardly remember a time when this idea wasn’t the driving force of my whole existence….

With baby making on the back burner these days, I do still hold out a little hope. Each month when the 28th cycle day comes I hold out hope that some seemingly accidental miracle will find its way to me…. and so far, it has yet to. Another month, another negative test and I resign myself to keep pushing through because the battle is not over yet.

I continue to offer up time, more time to keep losing weight. Time to force myself to focus on other things. I live a pretty charming life from the outside, but believe me it’s not without struggle, sacrifice and heartbreak. Some day though…. some day it will all be worth it.

** please remember to be kind and considerate with any commenting.

TTC

Jenga!!!

Confessions of an Angel Mom

You’re going along, everything is fine. You’re even amazed by yourself. Look at how cool (figuratively of course I’m a veritable hot flash swamp monster right now IRL) and collected you’ve held yourself during this two week wait. It’s almost over, you’re confident and so so sure it finally worked this time!!

Then something happens, or maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s just as simple as you breathed wrong and all of a sudden….. JENGA!!!!!! Alllllllll those emotions you’d secretly stashed so you could live your most positive and hopeful life are CRASHING DOWN —EVERYWHERE. Coming out of every hole in your face! Flying at your poor husband… who kindly reminds you to breath because you’ve neglected to do so. [true story]

The verdict is still out for me on this cycle, I’m running out the clock over here hoping that allll this emotional chaos MEANS something good but the terror and panic that it won’t has somehow found me through all the lovely walls and barricades that I’ve made to keep them out.

The good news, if there is some – is that if my emotions are anything like actual Jenga it all cleans up and restores pretty seamlessly. This moment of turmoil is temporary. I can reassemble it all and the world will all be ok. I’m trying to imagine my world in three by three sections perfectly laid out so that things feel less muddled.

Doing my best to self care by staying in my cocoon today, mediating, sleeping, breathing- of course breathing, and just hoping and praying that I’m still in this and my rainbow is just a heartbeat away!

TTC

Only hope….

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Sometimes I like to sit alone in my house just listening to the clocks tick away the time. The heartbeat of his home we’ve built. I imagine how much it will change when we finally get our wish and it’s taken over by the rumble of clomping tiny feet, screaming, crying, pooping and all the other ear splitting sounds that come along with parenthood….

I hope when that happens I’ll be able to think back and appreciate these silent moments, but not yearn for them. I hope that I never lose sight of how badly we want all of this. I think of that often. As I watch others with their children… they’re tired and they’re weary of wiping butts and boogers, of settling sibling disputes, of everything being sticky and smelly… of never getting enough sleep and catching every illness their kid brings home from school… and honestly I sit on my hands and can’t WAIT to sign up!! I’m sure it’ll all catch up to me some day, but for now I couldn’t be more ready to pledge the sacred Fraternity of Parenthood!

As I listen patiently to the tic tock… thump thump thump of my clock collection I imagine that it’s the sound of my baby’s heartbeat. I know it’s way too early to actually be the case….but something inside feels different this time. It may be in my head, or a side effect of the hormones, but I swear I can feel … something.

Apart from twinges, I’ve been feeling mostly positive; however occasionally I can feel the conflict inside… reminding me of the awful things that have happened in the past and how real the possibly is that they could happen again. When I feel those thoughts bubble to the surface it’s difficult to remember I’m in control of them, and I have the power to banish them. I catch myself just holding my breath and staying completely still so that I don’t mess anything up — but it’s time to breathe! Breathe and believe, that it feels different this time because IT IS…

There’s no room for doubt and fear right now… only hope…

TTC

Hope is like the sun….

Confessions of an Angel Mom

The BIG day! IUI day!! Long awaited– cycle day 19! 83 long days of waiting if you count back to my last period!! Though much longer than I originally intended, this break in treatments has really been good for us. We had our heads so wrapped up in this fertility business taking a step back allowed things to feel new again. Not just a constant drain punishing down on us.

The blood work, hormones, ultrasounds and injections were as difficult and dreadful as they always are, but it all seemed somewhat tolerable to me this time. Granted, it wears on you. I came home today after a long long day and collapsed into my bed for an hour. I just couldn’t propel myself any further without first taking a beat to just unhinge!

Swallowing a deep breath and exhaling the day, I felt happy… accomplished and excited for what might be on the horizon. I may have to do all of this again… and that reality is a little daunting, but in as little as 18 days I might get to feel what’s its like to be pregnant again and this time, we pray that it STICKS!!

In the grand tradition of documenting the wonderful world of fertility– here are today’s photos of my journey!

My lucky charms. Tinkerbell from Dawson to add a little bit of pixie dust luck! My Granny’s wedding ring pendant, I always feel lucky when I wear it, and happy to take her with me through this. My open heart angel, that Dawson gave me for Christmas “from Karate”. I gripped them tight while I lay there the prescribed 15 minutes with my legs propped up… and many times throughout the day. Saying silent prayers hoping that this time will be different!!

the alarm I set to remind me to leave work for my IUI. ✨🤞🏼✨

Just a girl… who hopes to have gotten knocked up on her lunch break.

My awesome IUI day socks! A great friend and comrade in fertility got me a pack of awesome Disney socks to wear for my ultrasounds and IUI… I highly recommend. Not only do your toes get cold hangin in those stirrups but they’re fun… and fabulous… and certainly lucky!

At the close of this day, I’m really thankful to be given the chance to TRY again… for so long things felt so dark and suffocating. Now I feel like the lessons have been learned, hope is restored, and just maybe… things are going to work out! Even if they don’t…it’s another opportunity to learn some shit, and try again! We must press on, we must keep the faith, and we must keep the dream alive– lessons we hope to teach our kid some day!

Stats

  • Insemination -Cycle day 19
  • 5 days of Femara oral hormones
  • 11 days of injections
  • 2 dominant follicles, 2 backups
  • 6 ultrasounds
TTC

Guess what????

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Ya know what kind of sucks? Having good news. Cause anytime you have good news to tell someone, or manage to get excited about something you can tell that whomever it is you’re about to spill beans to will think you’re pregnant… It’s like, I should just lead with “and no we’re not pregnant”… but I don’t. There’s always this giddy anticipation hanging in the air… you can feel the disappointment deflate like a balloon when they realize that we aren’t… still aren’t.  I’m guessing that just reading the heading of this post the balloon is deflating even now as you realize that GUESS WHAT— I’m not pregnant. 

We’re nearing the end of the 1st natural cycle on this little mini break, and I’m just not thinking anything about it. Sure sure — it’s POSSIBLE. We managed to put one point on the scoreboard when the end zone was hot (how’my doing on the old sports metaphors????) I just don’t know that I believe…. after EVERYTHING we’ve been through that it’s gonna go down like that. But hey— I would LOVE to be proven wrong! In fact, I’d much rather be proven terribly wrong than to pour all my hopes, dreams and wishes into this cycle and have to pick them all up again and reassemble them when it all comes crashing down…. many people don’t get this.

Most people haven’t had to pick up all their pieces and put them all back together month after month… year after year. It’s been 8 years…figure 10-12 cycles each year… that’s going on 100 times I’ve had to convince myself that this will all work out. This will all be worth it. I deserve this. I can do this. I still want this!! And I do… but also I’m tired and worn the hell out. 

I will say this, and end on a positive note— I have caught myself enjoying the freedom of the mini break. I’ve enjoyed occasional alcohol, been careless with my supplements, gone to Disneyland twice, and have looked at my fertility calendar no more than once a week (as opposed to several times daily)…. it has been nice to shift focus even though my one track mind tends to steer me back here it’s not all bad! 

  • Cycle Day: 28
  • Treatments: None
  • Days to expected AF: 5
  • Mental State: Meh… I know that’s not really an emotion… but it’s what I am right now. Meh!

AngelMom, TTC

A girl with a secret

Confessions of an Angel Mom
  • Cycle Day: 15
  • Treatments: 3 follicle scans to check egg growth process, IUI scheduled for this week!!
  • Meds: 225 IU HMG (7 total), HCG injection to trigger ovulation
  • Mental State: Calm, Ready.


This photo was take last November, right after I found out I was pregnant. Weeks before it was all ruined by an ectopic pregnancy resulting in emergency surgery, losing my baby as well as a Fallopian tube.

At that moment though, I felt so mischievous knowing such an important amazing thing… that I could share with no one…..

Oh who am I kidding. We were bursting at the seems!!!! We didn’t tell everyone– but we did blab our big news to a handful of people. Mostly people we’d been sharing or struggles with. Infertility and treatments are so isolating– all you want is for people to understand what you’re going through and to feel valid and supported in your choices it was so nice to finally have something GOOD to share with those people!!!

We decided not to tell our parents, not yet anyway. We had already sort of planned to get both my husband’s parents here for Christmas and I knew it wouldn’t be TOOOO hard to get my mom here so we’d wait until Christmas to put together some magical way of telling all of our parents at the same time.

Along the way, there were a few people who were surprised at our decision to share so early on “oh it’s too early!! You should wait til after the first trimester” WHY I thought!!??? It did not even occur to me that early loss could be our reality all I knew was that THIS WAS IT…..

And then it wasn’t.

If someone shares with you that they’re pregnant please don’t question why they’ve told you– at whatever point. They’ll probably spend the rest of their lives thinking they jinxed it…. because that’s what you’re saying.

Plus, if the unspeakable should happen— it’s your job to be there for that. In whatever capacity they need you to be.

I wonder daily if I jinxed my baby… and I wonder when I get pregnant (because I will!!) — if I will jinx it again!? I doubt I’ll keep my pregnancy super secret in the future because throughout this journey I have found such comfort in sharing the experiences and growing a cheering squad that would make any sports team green with envious rage— and why wouldn’t I share the good stuff too!!! That, and also because I need support. I need people in my corner. Celebrating, and praying and sending all those good vibes into the world! Live in this world with me, please.

Please recognize that If someone shares their life with you, they’ve picked this time and this place to be truthful, even if it hurts. Even if it doesn’t turn out like it should. Please don’t judge people for craving that connection and letting you in.

For now, we are going into the following week with our insemination scheduled, hoping, praying, and willing for this time to be IT!! I don’t know when I will feel open to sharing more news, but when that time comes I trust you will be there….

TTC

TWW – put the pee stick down!! 

Confessions of an Angel Mom

*Fyi – this post is a little more “cursey” than usual– I’m not sorry about it, I’m just giving you fair warning. *

There are few things more irritating than thinking without a shadow of a doubt that you’re totally pregnant only to pee on something that sasses you back with resounding authority — “Naw girl, you’re wrong.” Aka “Not Pregnant”.

I’m trying very hard not to lose my shit over this cycle. This dumb cycle that is taking its sweet ass time to peace itself on out so I can start again.

In the process of not trying to lose my mind, I’ve come up with a list of things that have helped me through this “two week wait”. These are just some things I’ve tried, some have helped me.

Everyone’s different, and you know what — I bet most of these things would help whether you’re waiting for a positive pregnancy test or any other thing you’re sitting around waiting for. Accept #1– that’s fertility related only.


1. Don’t start testing too early

This is probably the most important thing. If you start testing too early, you’re likely to get slapped with the sass-back, and each day that goes by it’s harder to maintain your sanity. Wait at least until you’ve officially missed your period. Just Resist!!! Put the pee stick DOWN!

2. Don’t lie to yourself

I have spent many a cycle promising myself that “it would all be worth it” or some version of that sentiment, that I can’t possibly guarantee. After all was said and done, everything seemed to be in vain. A more constructive mantra may be “You’re doing everything you can to get pregnant. And that is good enough“. It’s important to give yourself credit for working so hard– cause real talk- a lot of this is actual work!

3. Do – find some distraction(s)

Seriously, anything and everything that keeps your head and hands busy is a good thing!!! Run, walk, sew, crochet, color, play an instrument, go for a drive and crank your tunes– or all the above!! Whatever, just fill your time. It will help keep you calm, pass the time and unlike infertility YOU CAN CONTROL any of these things which feels amazing!!

Lookie what I did in an afternoon of trying distract myself from waiting?!?

4. Plan a trip

I know not everyone CAN do this, for years we did without trips due to budget and work. If you can get away even for a day– do it! And plan as you’re heading into your TWW so that you you can look forward to that fun exciting getaway when the waiting part is hopefully done.

5. Figure out what makes you happy…and go do that thing!

Think about the things that make you REALLY happy and go chase that feeling. Here’s a shortlist of things that make ME happy.

  •   Getting a Pedicure
  •   Getting a massage or visiting a day spa (cheaper than you think, most places give you access to all the amenities if you buy say a $60 pedi and you can spend all day at the spa livin in the lap of luxury!! Um hell yah!)
  •  A clean house, pick an area and make it beautiful and pristine. Nothing better than an actual clean slate.
  •   Making something, anything!
  •   Laughing- go to a comedy club or watch a funny movie.

6. Breathe

Meditate, or just breathe deeply if that feels weird to you. I recently found FertiliCalm, there are tons of really good guided meditations, tips, affirmations and other helpful tools!

7. Talk about it / Write about it

Here’s the thing. One of the worst parts about all of it is feeling like you have to keep quiet. Let it out. Whatever it is, and to whomever you can. Maybe you can vent to friends, family, a therapist, a journal, blog, or a support group of some kind— get that shit out in the open. It will not do you any good rolling around your own brain.

Alright well that’s it…. my little shpeel for today. I’m still hanging on for dear life to this cycle… though the Magic Pregnancy Stick says “Naw girl”… I’m still just hoping that bitch cray— and misinformed.

  • Cycle Day: 47
  • Pee sticks: infinity. I’m stopping. Never doing this to myself again!
  • Mental State: Distracted and fairly satisfied with that.
AngelMom, TTC

Anxiety Power Struggle

Confessions of an Angel Mom
  • Cycle Day: 42 (17 days past possible late ovulation)
  • Pregnancy Tests: Infinity ⛔️
  • Mental State: Impatient 

This week’s excerpt has been one of the hardest for me to complete. Which, is astounding when you consider the very personal and detailed information I’ve shared over the last few months.

This week not unlike others, I struggled. I was emotional, confused, scared, angry and fearful about nearly everything but mostly the uncertainty of what lies ahead in the future. Being stuck in an extended holding period like I am, causes a lot of anxiety– apparently.

This cycle is lasting a very long time which is both good and bad. It’s good, because there is still a glimmer of hope that I could turn out to be pregnant, but bad in that despite my period being late I have not yielded a positive pregnancy test. This uncertainty tends to unhinge me a bit, and it causes the less rational and destructive parts of my brain to take over the controls.

I have never even realized that this alternative psyche existed until recently. I’m very rough on myself. Far more critical to myself than I would be to anyone in the outside world. I tend to have the highest of expectations, and very little patience for failure or for waiting in general. Not a good thing when your primary goal involves mostly waiting!

I found myself mid meltdown this week trying to figure out what tipped me over the edge…. and I couldn’t! I sat crying in a bathroom stall at work, feeling afraid, sad, and guilty for feeling all of the above! Nothing specifically happened to me, other than this sudden tsunami of emotion, that may have been purely hormonal.

Luckily, since my loss in December I have started seeing a therapist. I have regular appointments set every few weeks and while some times I see her with nothing serious or upsetting to report, others like this week I was able to work through all of these feelings to a constructive end. There is no measure for the benefit I have realized with therapy.

In times like these, the only thing to do is: LABEL the feeing….. “I am anxious because I do not have control of these circumstances”. Then, TAKE AWAY THE POWER, by doing anything that you CAN control. Any distraction is typically GOOD distraction. The last thing to do, is to reaffirm positive statements to yourself. For me, the internal voice comes at a whisper and usually I don’t even realize it’s happening until the damage has been done. It whispers of failure, paralysis, weakness and all at once I am consumed by a deep fog of doubt, fear and sadness. The only way to prevent or reverse the hostile take over is to remind myself that this place is not permanent. My journey is far from over. I am doing everything I can to make my dreams come true– and I am.