AngelMom, TTC

Unconscious-Consious

Sometimes… I can’t not think of you. Life is fantastic, and grand and going just swell and then all of a sudden it’s like a missed a step and I’m falling down a staircase. Can’t breathe, can’t think, the wind fully knocked out of my lungs, and I just sort of hang there for a spell.

I can’t not think of you.

Usually I can anticipate these low moments, maybe it’s because your birthday or your angel day are coming up-and it makes sense to me. Then there are times, like yesterday when I don’t see it coming and it’s devastating to realize too late in the game that you’re the reason why I’m feeling broken and unsettled.

Yesterday was Halloween, and I was busy planning my usual badass costume and a fun (but kind of boring/uneventful) holiday. I should have felt happy, and excited in my awesome costume, in this new bangin body… but I felt … pinned down, uptight and generally distressed by everything.

All day, I was anxious and aggravated by absolutely nothing! I tried to blame the SPANX (I mean, the jury is still out in that since I’d like to personally execute the demon spawn that invented them and made all of us ladies think we need them to be sexy!) and a host of other factors that normally would not bother me.

I went like this through the better part of the day, trying to catch myself being cantankerous and re-route, but as the day went on I felt increasingly overwhelmed and out of breath all the way to my soul so I excused myself for a late break to clear my head.

I wondered Target, and as I made my way to the checkout for a few random impulse items. I landed behind the cutest 2 year old who was laughing and smiling at me…. and at that moment… it clicked.

Halloween, is an earmarked day too and I’d neglected it. It’s not as big as a birthday or an angel day, but 2 years ago I was having the IUI that would lead to your loss…. and somewhere inside I felt that, and was not processing it. Meanwhile my whole body, mind and soul were at war over it. All at once I was devastated and relieved at the same time.

I keep thinking at some point it won’t hurt so much, that I won’t be sad every time a see a kid that is near your age, or when someone else gets pregnant and I don’t. I keep thinking at some point I won’t feel jealous and snarky at someone else’s happiness, but it’s real. That is real to me, jealousy and pain. It’s not every day… but it’s there, lurking in the dark corners of my mind….somewhere behind my smile waiting to bubble over without notice.

Acknowledging it feels better, more real and honest than trying to plaster on a fake smile. Sometimes the world doesn’t really have time to pause for your emotional turmoil. All I know is when I finally let go, gave those feelings a hug and told myself it was ok everything was exponentially better.

So, I guess the moral is:

  • It’s ok to feel stuff.
  • It’s not ok to torture yourself for having said feelings.
  • Listen … anxiety can be quiet or it can be loud, but either way there’s probably an underlying message trying to come through
  • Be nice to everyone, you never know what sort of emotional warfare is happening beyond your line of sight.
    It’s ok to be under construction.

Weight Loss

Memoirs of an Awkward Girl….

Oh my gosh– sorry I feel like it’s been 5ever since I had the time, topic and wherewithal to compose a blog post!! For that I’m sorry!!

Today, today was pretty neat.

I’m currently down 78lbs and today I must have picked the right outfit to showcase this thang because I felt like every set of eyes that passed me had to stop and gush about my weight loss! Thank YOU skinny jeans — sheesh that was a lot more attention than I bargained for!!

Don’t get me wrong — I’m stoked that I’m still consistently losing weight and it’s obviously showing! The thing is I personally, am lousy at accepting compliments!!! I turn into THE most awkward girl ever!!!

I don’t know when it started or why this happens and I know I am sure not the only one – awkward girls everywhere UNITE!!! I really am trying to figure out a graceful way to accept all the attention and praise– but it’s so tricky!!!

I will say this, to the many people that have personally reached out to me and shared your stories, your triumphs, failures, fears and ultimately support and praise — THOSE are the things that keep me going. I never in my wildest dreams would think this thing I’m doing could touch someone else and to hear that it has!?? Well that just is a priceless gift. Thank YOU all for that.

As for me, I have a bit of a time patting myself on the back at this juncture because I’m only about half way to my goal! I still have SO FAR to go!!

Now wait – hold on internet moms of mine everywhere. I know your gut reaction is going to be to tell me I need to celebrate and rejoice all the tiny wins that equal up to this momentous weight loss but honestly, I’m just trying to stay focused and humble so I can see this thing through!!!

This point – this weight- is the point that i have never been able to surpass. I get here, something happens- I revert back to old ways and it all goes downhill! That won’t be happening this time. I’ve approached this all so so differently time, but the fear and angst still looms that somehow I’ll screw it up!!!

So, in light of such a lovely day of compliments, praise, and raised eyebrow glances I just say thank you… and keep on trucking down this road!!!!

oh, and here’s a progress photo in case you wondered what 78 pounds looks like!

Trying on Jeans at Maurice’s, they fit. Not as well as I’d like but it’s still a huge win. I never fit in their pants before and now I wear a size 20-22! Skipped right over their largest size and making my way down!!

Start (March) vs tonight post workout! I’m a hawt mess– emphasis on the HAWT! Hahhaa

Weight Loss

Falling Down, and Getting Up

We are taught when we are children that falling down is a part of life, and the getting up is what is important. We fall down constantly as children…. but as adults the falling becomes more symbolic than physical.

Through the last few years I’ve emotionally and symbolically fallen down repeatedly. I’ve let life beat me against the ropes hoping it would get tired so I could claim my glorious victory. And then… a few weeks ago I ACTUALLY fell down.

While vacationing at a theme park with friends on a hot summer day I ignored my body’s numerous signals and passed out from dehydration. That’s apparently a thing. The thought had NEVER crossed my mind. If it had, perhaps I would have made better choices. But hey, you’re on vacation, you don’t want to slow anyone down, you need to be the kick ass auntie and friend that always has a joke, a smile and will laugh at anything. Who has time to slow down and deal with boring stuff like drinking water!?!!

Of COURSE that didn’t stop me from making light of it all, and making sure the kids knew I was okay (that is, after the 2nd fainting spell, laying on the ground staring up at strangers, and the hoping I didn’t end up on YouTube panic had subsided — ps I’m still legitimately worried about that last. I was wearing a bright red shirt, and yellow leggings with dogs eating watermelon on them… Ah yes, clearly I was absent the day they discussed being a modest, subtle young lady…. nope HERE I AM WORLD …… *shaking my head* nice.)

(*hanging out in the Med-Bay rehydrating, and contemplating all the decisions I made in the last 48 hours.)

As the days pass, and focus on my hydration has been key I find myself still experiencing anxiety that this could happen to me again. What if I’m alone at home? Dear GOD! What if I’m alone in public??? What if I fall on something and really injure myself? The questions and scenarios whiz past and I become more and more anxious.

When did falling down become such a perilous and foreboding activity!??

Perhaps it’s the failure of this body that makes me so frightened. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time my body failed me- and sadly won’t be the last. However, I did not elect to lose ALL functionality it just happened. The complete and utter loss of control is probably the scariest thing I can think of! But… in the end that’s basically what life is all about.

Im doing my best to make sure this doesn’t happen to me again, and hope beyond hope that this is not part of some underlying issue that has yet to come to the surface.

For now though, to preserve THIS life, the one that’s worth celebrating I can’t let this one incident rule me and pin me down into a hole. I have fought so hard to make it here! Things before this incident had been remarkable!! I have lost a total of 72 pounds since March and I’m totally killin this!!! I have about 100 more to go to reach my optimal weight and seeing myself now and what I can overcome I know this will be no different!

(This photo was taken after the big fall… it actively represents spreading your wings and not being afraid …. oh and also displays just how cavalier I am with my fashion choices.)

(This is my latest weight loss progress! The first photo was taken in March, the 2nd was taken Yesterday July 14th. Oh and clearly I am still “working on” my subtlety… sloth leggings!??? Yes please!!!)

So I fell down… but I got back up and everything was fine…. just like when I was a kid. I’ll dust myself off and it will all work out.

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

Advice from a tiny green puppet…

It’s funny…. like when you have seen a movie or heard a song over and over, but then all of a sudden you hear something that you never have before. Or, maybe for the very first time it clicks in your brain and suddenly everything looks different. This happens to me a lot. Today, I had a Star Wars related mind explosion. I could recite the whole anthology from start to finish, but all of a sudden with no warning or reason I heard a tiny green voice whisper something to me on my drive to work…. but I’ll get to that…..

Life has been going pretty swell!!! Weight loss is steady, exciting, and unyielding! I’ve lost 58lbs since March! Nothing that I’ve ever done has worked like this!!! It’s amazing. But…. I continually find myself being annoyed and impatient that this part- the weight loss part- isn’t over yet. I’m constantly just waiting for it all to be over so it can finally be my turn!!!!

I’ve found myself being very anxious and jealous…. and just generally wound up about having to wait this thing out. I fool myself into thinking that I’m being a good patient person when in reality I can’t WAIT to give up on this so I can be pregnant. Getting pregnant is WHY I’m here. Nothing else has carried me this far… but it’s not enough. It’s not going to be if I can’t figure out how to be OK with this life knowing that THIS is what’s important regardless of what happens after – especially because there’s no guarantee that any amount of weight loss will lead to a baby.

So I’m driving down the road thinking of that fact… and it all seems so overwhelming and impossible some days. I’m reminded that I sound like a little whiny Jedi Baby!!! That’s when my little green friend whispered in my ear “You must let go… of everything you fear to lose.”

I sat there for the next 50 minutes of my drive with my mouth hanging open just trying to unpack the statement and why it suddenly meant so much to me. Being astonished at the randomness of it all. Why, on this day has my subconscious decided to resonate this point!??

No matter the reason there’s not much more relevant than this one declaration to Let Go. I have to let go. Let go the notion that my weight loss is only about getting pregnant. It’s not. It’s about so much more than that.

  • It’s about making a life I’m proud of.
  • It’s about doing this really important thing WITH the person I picked to live forever with!
  • It’s about supporting each other!
  • It’s about being healthy.
  • It’s about not worrying that either of us will randomly die of a completely avoidable health condition.
  • It’s about being my best self.
  • It’s about taking back control of my choices, my body, my life!
  • It’s about not giving in or giving up – there’s nothing bigger than that!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…. at the end of this we may not GET our baby. That’s a true fact. If I allow that future hope of baby to rule this part of my life, not only am I robbing myself of the joys that this journey comes with, but I may even resent the fact that I ever took this path in the first place! That’s not the kind of person I want my best self to be. I have to let go… and find a way to proceed without being so fixated on what COULD BE.

This advice may come from a Muppet… but it’s good enough for me. It always has been. I must let go.

Muppet or not, his advice is always on point! Thank you ❀️ Master Yoda.

Do. Or Do Not, there is no Try.

The greatest teacher, failure is.

Unlearn what you have learned.

Fear is the path to the dark side.

AngelMom, TTC

Angel Moms on Mother’s Day

Boy it’s tough… tough to be a Mom in general, I can see that. It’s tough though, to be a Mom on Mother’s Day when your child is in heaven.

It’s a confusing day, for sure. Stuck somewhere between wanting to just carry on normally and wanting to lock yourself in a room and pretend like the outside world doesn’t exist. Stuck between wanting to be acknowledged and appreciated like the other moms, and wanting to be totally invisible and unnoticed.

Take my trip to Starbucks this morning for example. The nice barista wished me Happy Mother’s Day and asked how many kids I had… I hesitated and for the micro-second between all the rushing thoughts had to decide if telling this gal, this stranger that I had a kid in heaven was really what I wanted or not. I chose not… and just smiled and said I had a “fur kid” at home. She went on to tell me how much better off I was (for what seemed like way too long). I smiled politely and into the distance so she wouldn’t be able to see the tears welling up and being sucked back into my eye holes. There’s no win there.

I want so desperately to be fine. Or just even OK… or better yet PART OF THE TEAM!! Lately I’ve made a career out of being distracted. Distracted by my diet, and exercise– which is going great, by work, hobbies and a week long vacation…. but sooner or later all that stuff you’ve been hiding from finds you.

I watch everyone around me live out my dreams and I can only seem to ignore it all for so long before I become bitter and scared that my turn may never come. As I’m lapped time and time again by my friends who get to have as many babies as they want ….

It’s no one’s fault but it’s just the worst, having all these feelings bubbling in there with nowhere to go but out- at never a convenient moment. A moment like a dear friend calling to tell you she pregnant… again… and you adore her AND her children to the moon and back but you just sit there and cry. Sobbing in traffic waiting for some sign that your turn is coming too….

I wish I didn’t feel sad, and guilty for feeling sad, angry, cheated… and just plain bitter. I want to feel happy for every miracle no matter who it’s promised to! But on a day like today… even with the fakest of smiles plastered on my face…. I feel the way I feel. And some days it cant be gift wrapped…

AngelMom, Weight Loss

Kisses from Heaven

So I’ve been sprinkling in workouts to my routine now that I’m past all the diet transitioning on my current program. One thing I do is try to jog/walk on my lunch break. I figure I only have a few of those lunch time jogs left before it gets so hot here that your face melts off!!!

Today, I set a goal to jog 1 whole lap around the building without slowing to walk. I almost made it all the way yesterday so I wanted to see how far I could push it if I made that my goal. I did it!!! That success felt great! (Difficult but great!)

I was feeling really empowered. Focusing on saying really nice things to myself during my run like:

  1. Look how strong you are!
  2. This is something you could not do when you started!
  3. Look how far you’ve come!
  4. You’re such a badass!
  5. You’re going to be such a great mom someday (and here’s where it gets squirrely)
  6. I bet Karate is proud of you, wherever he is
  7. You’re making every choice you can to make sure you never have to send anymore babies to heaven…..

And then I looked up…. and saw this.

Anyone that knows me well, knows my grandma always had this funny thing where she’d say “X’s in the sky are kisses from your loved ones in heaven”. I always laughed at her, until she passed away and now I always think of her when I see them.

At that moment though… my heart sank and I knew that particular X came from my baby in heaven.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cried through the rest of the run. I struggled to put one foot in front of the other and that was the end of any goal crushing I may have had planned for this run. New goal— Complete my 30 minutes and not make eye contact with anyone in the parking lot passing by.

It’s been a minute since I had an emotional outburst, in general, and about my loss. I truly feel like I have been healing and feeling much better about everything. But in that moment, everything I’ve ever felt about it caught up to me and hit me out of nowhere.

It’s important to feel through those feelings– and keep saying those nice things. I’m never going to be “over” what happened. I think about it every day. Maybe someday I won’t… but for today I’m breathing and feeling through the sensation of loss, longing, transitioning, growing, and yes… knowing I’m doing everything I can to create the best future I can have!

Weight Loss

Motivating the Un-Motivatable!

Time for an update!! So much has changed! I’m three weeks in! Three weeks into my medical weight loss journey! It’s been TOUGH, but oh my god you guys I am not only watching my body change before my eyes, but also so many other things are changing too!

I’ve tried to lose weight my whole life – too many times and fads to count! Some more successful than others, but all ending in falling off the wagon, gaining the weight back, feeling more awful and rejected than ever before.

When I am in a slump, I feel completely Un-motivatable! This time felt a little bit the same, but oh so different! The timing wasn’t great. I wasn’t in love with the plan. I didn’t buy all new work out clothes to insure I’d go to the gym…. and basically did nothing that I normally do when I focus on weight. Sometimes, I guess you just have to take a leap as scary as it is and change up EVERYTHING and believe it’s going to end differently because it started differently.

The main thing that motivates me are results- no matter how big or small I’ve ALWAYS been about results. Be it time off my run/walk, extra stamina, weight loss or whatever it is! I gotta have results to press forward!

I’m excited to share some amazing details about my progress!! Please keep in mind my program is medically monitored and I’m certain there are medical weight loss resources in a town near you!! I highly suggest this to anyone!!! It’s the only thing I’ve ever done that has WORKED!!!

Week 3 Progress:

  1. I have lost over 5 inches off my midsection!
  2. I have lost 22lbs in 3 weeks!
  3. I am no longer able to binge eat large quantities of food! (I’ve tried to bank my food for evening meals a few times and it’s backfired, as I wasn’t able to eat it all! Things I would not have believed if you told me 3 weeks ago!!)
  4. My Glucose level went from 109 to 82 in TWO WEEKS!!!!!
  5. I was able to stop taking Metformin! (Anyone who’s taken it knows it’s awful! Major bathroom issues with this med and I’m overjoyed to breakup with it!!)
  6. I feel great! I’m the girl who needed a nap in her car at lunch to make it through the day! Now a lot of that may have to do with the fact that I’ve been pumped up on fertility hormones for some time and those are all long gone now–but I’m sure a lot of it was this weight and the foods I was eating!
  7. I’m voluntarily working out! Nothing super strenuous at this time and workouts aren’t required on my plan– but I want to and it feels great!!
  8. I’m no longer winded instantly! This one’s huge for me!!
  9. I am rarely tempted to actually cheat. Sure stuff smells good… and I see delicious things all the time, but when it comes to actually “cheating” somehow I’ve managed to stay on the straight and narrow!

10.) Lastly…. my final result/reward is this photo.

The photo on the left was taken at the beginning of December, and the left this morning!! There are no words.

(But I’ll try to find some anyway)

Nothing feels better than tangible results…. and knowing you’re changing your life for the better! I was in the deepest darkest hole… and now I’m here and I believe that this time will be different, truly.

DISCLAIMER:

I can’t share the specifics of the plan, my doctor has very strict rules about sharing the program. If you’re interested in the details, I suggest you find a medical weight loss specialist in your area. If you’re in the Phoenix area message me and I will get you in contact with my doctor.