TTC, Weight Loss

Hello there!

Well it’s been a little over a month since I last posted here! In that time I’ve completely disassembled everything I know to be true and have started putting it all back together again. I feel like I’ve run away to some very far away hideout to sort through my feelings and perhaps I’m ready to peak out of the cave now…

When I started this blog, I wasn’t quite sure why I did, who I would be speaking to and what I would want to say exactly…. I’ve written about infertility, loss, anxiety, treatments, self reflection, and above all … HOPE. One thing I know, is that none of this is possible without hope. And sometimes, that hope is real hard to find and/or recognize when things get tricky.

My journey has turned me down a different path, as journeys often do. I’m tasked with losing what amounts to a hundred pounds and likely more! In order for us to continue our efforts to start our family, this is the only way. There are plenty of reasons to be on this path, but in all honesty none of those reasons hold a candle to that one. I should “want to do this for me”… but that has never been enough, and now just hearing that statement is just aggravating. I could be fine with me… but the thought of having to give up my dream of motherhood, NOW… now that I’ve held it in my grasp and had to watch it slip away!?? That is something I’m not prepared to do. At all costs… I must succeed. I’m not doing this alone. Unlike in the past when I have tried and failed, I have a team of professionals beside me to ensure that this time it will not fail.

I can’t go into the details of my current plan/program. It’s medically supervised weight loss and I’ve signed an agreement not to disclose the program as to prevent anyone from trying to mimic the plan without supervision. I can say that it’s very aggressive, and extremely restrictive — but damnit it’s working like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my very long history of battling obesity!

The process of changing my focus, and reframing my world has been dreadful. I’ve felt very reclusive, judged, frightened, and confused. Most of which was obviously coming from that pesky internal monologue I try so hard to ignore, but some of it does come from the outside world. Lots of opinions, suggestions, and comments from well meaning onlookers. Each one causing me to question everything in a world where I’m already spinning with indecision and doubt. Sometimes, less words, more listening, hugs, or a kind smile, work wonders.

I needed quiet.

So I took it. I took time to seek out my own truths, examine my heart and determine what path to pursue. Some of the people closest to me have hurt me in the process. Was it their fault? No. Not hardly. This process is painful, I’m a walking construction zone – hard hats and safety gear should be worn when dealing with me!

I’m starting to see great results and feel the confidence and relief I have been missing! I look forward to sharing progress as it comes, as well as successes and trials I may encounter along the way!



Today feels very much like the GPS of my life is buffering a new route and I’m stuck in panic on this road that now feels like a wrong turn.

Obviously, Cycle #7 was not successful. And due to-you guessed it-timing I wasn’t able to hop right into a new treatment cycle. Even if timing and other factors didn’t exist, I don’t know how many more IUI’s I’m prepared to complete. More and more I’ve been feeling like IVF may be a better route for us – but the cost– oooh the cost!?! There’s no “set” cost for IVF- each experience is different much like IUI, but now we’re talking tens of thousands not just thousands….

I recently saw an add for a doctor who was offering IVF for $5500- which is a bargain compared to what I’ve seen. Being that it’s been a while since I got any sort of secondary opinion I decided to make us an appointment to investigate.

Today, was that appointment.

In addition to the not so shocking reality that the cost as advertised does not include other required items equalling likely another 5 thousand-ish dollars… there was more disappointment.

Now, given my history I had somewhat prepared myself for what was to come next. This new doctor, was very nice, professional, kind, and informative. But had the unlucky task of telling me some rather unpleasant information.

Due to my weight, IVF at this time isn’t really an option. The mechanics of harvesting eggs from an obese person is very risky and very often yields very few or NO eggs — which would mean wasted effort, and wasted resources only to be let down and disappointed – and far more broke!

Certainly not what I wanted to hear… but important just the same.

This is devastating for me for many reasons. The weight… the weight and I have been at war for… ever. It all feels very hopeless to me in this moment. I’m preparing to rally and become a great hero in all this, so please just hold the “you can do it’s”— today I feel very broken and defeated. If it was possible for me to shed this weight I feel like I would have done it by now- not like I haven’t spent my life TRYING! But… I will find a way to persist. Do something I have not tried before and succeed. I have to. This is all too important.

It means that I’m going to have to get way more help. More than I’ve ever had before. It means I’m going to have to seriously investigate and commit to medical and perhaps surgical weight loss. It means I’m going to have to reroute and refocus my attention to this instead of fertility- which is hard for me to grasp! I’m doing all the math in my head and reconciling all the voices inside so that we can all shuffle toward this goal now that will ultimately align with the other…

Things I know….

  • My problems aren’t unique.
  • My disappointment is not uncommon.
  • My setback is not the first of its kind, and lord… I’m afraid it won’t be the last.
  • My heartbreak is not unlike any other heart breaking anywhere around the world at this very moment…but it is mine, and it hurts.
  • I know I must do this… whatever that means. I must.

For now, I must breathe… I must recalculate my plans and my future.

It’s important to keep things in perspective. Such as, even if I could snap my fingers and have exactly what I am wanting right now- I bet I would still have a feeling of discomfort and dissatisfaction in some way or another. So I must find a way to be satisfied with what’s going on right now and press forward!

I promise to try, to fight, and do to what I do best- never give up! Somehow I’m making a better future even though my present is painful.



You’re going along, everything is fine. You’re even amazed by yourself. Look at how cool (figuratively of course I’m a veritable hot flash swamp monster right now IRL) and collected you’ve held yourself during this two week wait. It’s almost over, you’re confident and so so sure it finally worked this time!!

Then something happens, or maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s just as simple as you breathed wrong and all of a sudden….. JENGA!!!!!! Alllllllll those emotions you’d secretly stashed so you could live your most positive and hopeful life are CRASHING DOWN —EVERYWHERE. Coming out of every hole in your face! Flying at your poor husband… who kindly reminds you to breath because you’ve neglected to do so. [true story]

The verdict is still out for me on this cycle, I’m running out the clock over here hoping that allll this emotional chaos MEANS something good but the terror and panic that it won’t has somehow found me through all the lovely walls and barricades that I’ve made to keep them out.

The good news, if there is some – is that if my emotions are anything like actual Jenga it all cleans up and restores pretty seamlessly. This moment of turmoil is temporary. I can reassemble it all and the world will all be ok. I’m trying to imagine my world in three by three sections perfectly laid out so that things feel less muddled.

Doing my best to self care by staying in my cocoon today, mediating, sleeping, breathing- of course breathing, and just hoping and praying that I’m still in this and my rainbow is just a heartbeat away!


Only hope….

Sometimes I like to sit alone in my house just listening to the clocks tick away the time. The heartbeat of his home we’ve built. I imagine how much it will change when we finally get our wish and it’s taken over by the rumble of clomping tiny feet, screaming, crying, pooping and all the other ear splitting sounds that come along with parenthood….

I hope when that happens I’ll be able to think back and appreciate these silent moments, but not yearn for them. I hope that I never lose sight of how badly we want all of this. I think of that often. As I watch others with their children… they’re tired and they’re weary of wiping butts and boogers, of settling sibling disputes, of everything being sticky and smelly… of never getting enough sleep and catching every illness their kid brings home from school… and honestly I sit on my hands and can’t WAIT to sign up!! I’m sure it’ll all catch up to me some day, but for now I couldn’t be more ready to pledge the sacred Fraternity of Parenthood!

As I listen patiently to the tic tock… thump thump thump of my clock collection I imagine that it’s the sound of my baby’s heartbeat. I know it’s way too early to actually be the case….but something inside feels different this time. It may be in my head, or a side effect of the hormones, but I swear I can feel … something.

Apart from twinges, I’ve been feeling mostly positive; however occasionally I can feel the conflict inside… reminding me of the awful things that have happened in the past and how real the possibly is that they could happen again. When I feel those thoughts bubble to the surface it’s difficult to remember I’m in control of them, and I have the power to banish them. I catch myself just holding my breath and staying completely still so that I don’t mess anything up — but it’s time to breathe! Breathe and believe, that it feels different this time because IT IS…

There’s no room for doubt and fear right now… only hope

AngelMom, TTC

365 days without you…

I remember nearly every detail of that day. I know what I was wearing, and I have trouble wearing those clothes now, though they float like friendly-ish ghosts in my closet. I remember how I felt at any given moment of that gloomy Thursday. I remember how crushing it was to finally know, after 25 days of uncertainty that I was going to lose you. Karate… I’ve whispered to the wind how sorry I am that I couldn’t save you… and I mean it.

Nurses and doctors shuffled in at random, each learning my diagnosis and not one of them knowing what to say or do to help me. Some were kind, some were cold, sterile, others just stood with their mouths hanging open trying to find words to help– there aren’t any– I’ve checked. There were no options, no discussion, and there was no saving you.

As for me, I’ve spent the last 365 days trying my best to cope without you, in the wreckage and horror that was left after that day. Grief and loss, are a moving staircase. Constantly changing, mutating, and evolving. I’ve accepted that I will never truly be “over you” and thank goodness. I’m the only one who ever held you, nothing can change that. Of everything I lost that day, that fact will always be mine. You’re the one that made me a mom, even if you couldn’t stay I am still a Mom.

Honestly, when I opened my eyes after surgery I thought it would be impossible for me to laugh, to hope and dream ever again. I feared being asked even the simplest surface question such as “How are you?” because the only answer I could grasp was “broken and lost” – that’s a little heavy for ladies room small talk with a kind coworker asking as a common courtesy.

Fast forward to present day and I’m starting to feel like me once again even if only in fractional values. In an unexpected turn of events, I really did learn some things in losing you… and finally, I feel like I’m starting to unearth some of the bits of me I thought I’d lost forever.

I feel relieved… and proud to have survived this far and that I’ve turned so much of my own pain into power and hope for myself and others. It’s a funny thing… I would never have chosen this life if it was laid before me, but Karate you’ve forced me into a better version of me. A more mindful and grateful version than the one that once existed before. I think that girl died with you, I’m certain a part of me did that day.

I plan to press on through this ever changing maze in 2018… taking the best bits and pieces of me I can. Hoping and praying for another miracle… one that the world can handle because you Karate, were obviously just way more than the world was ready for.

I found this quote the day after I lost you… I didn’t appreciate it then, I think I wanted to, but the pain was still too overwhelming. It made me smile today, now that I’m strong enough to do so. Lightning will strike again, I believe that.



Clear Blur

Yes, things are clear and I am somewhat blue. 

I mean, I am and I’m not. I predicted these results. They certainly make sense at least, unlike so many other times where we went to hell and back and everything seemed SO CERTAIN only to get this brand of result. 

This time is a little different. 

Only having one round of troops into battle I knew going in that the odds were not ever in my favor here, but along with everyone else my stupid brain reminds me about the age old adage that “it only takes one” … and I still held out some secret hope that this could actually happen to us. I attempted the double reverse fake out jinx tactic where I tempt fate to prove me wrong by giving me what I actually want!! Fate apparently, is on to the double jinx.

So I’ve been trying to strategize my next move. Are we still on treatment break? Do we try naturally? Do we take a month completely off? What?…. Let’s check the old calendar and see what’s up? Now, if Aunt Flo shows up in the next day or two like she’s supposed to that’ll park my next fertile window…. aw crap. 

Amazing hubby landed an awesome new job this week! It’s been part of the reason that last cycle was so unimpressive. It really is difficult to “try” to get pregnant when you have many other things going on, and I get that. Being that we had already declared a bit of a break I didn’t force the issue like I normally would. FERTILITY OVER EVERYTHING is usually my stance, but this month I just kinda let it happen- or not in this case which is fine. It was very much worth it! I’m so excited for this new opportunity for hubby, it’s so nice to see him happy about something again.

New job starts November 1st and the first day wil be served in San Francisco smack dab in the middle of fertile window. Shit. The entire window he will be gone. There’s no acceptable scenario where I piggyback and go along on the trip- even if I could swing it logistically how awful for him would that be to be starting a new job, meeting people at headquarters and also having to be on call for doin’ it??? Yah no… the answer to my query has now been revealed. 

Here’s the thing. 

It’s not ideal. Sure. It’s not part what I want certainly, but at this point I can look at this and MAKE it the plan for this cycle. I can deal with any awful thing, if it’s part of the plan. It’s the unexpected curveballs, and left field nonsense that derails my lovely plans and expectations that really make my head spin. So, for at least the immediate now – this month we’re off. 
We are REALLY off. 

For the first time in almost a decade I won’t have to worry about any of this. I won’t have to try to fake out my lady parts or the universe. I won’t have to remind myself to have hope- cause it only takes one. No charting, forced intimacy, symptom spotting, no driving myself crazy and NO nonsense.
It’s going to be a good month for distraction, which I should have plenty of thankfully, but it will not break me to really BE on break. 

  • Cycle Day: 34
  • Tests: 1 ⛔️
  • Mental State: Sure, whatever. 

Shoulda Coulda Woulda’s and other things that still hurt despite a Wonderful Life.

I’ve been having a super hard time sharing lately. Some of you may have noticed I’ve been abnormally quiet lately. Trying to figure out my “spin” on some frustrating feelings and it’s a tough thing to pin down.

We’ve made some choices lately, awesome, exciting, selfish and fun choices that are not in any way fertility serving or related. I’ve been having trouble allowing myself to be happy and confident about them. We deserve to have fun and do things that make us feel happy, remind us why we love being together and make our bond stronger…. but in making those choices we removed other opportunities and choices regarding future fertility treatments.

We’ve spent the last 8 years trying to get pregnant- and for the last year of that it has been the primary focus of our lives…. and it’s HARD!!! It’s mentally and physically taxing. We’ve suffered loss, and somehow at the end of that difficult year we are and aren’t closer to reaching the finish line. We know now IT CAN HAPPEN now….. but the questions and challenges still remain and I find myself wondering WILL IT happen more often than I care to admit.

This journey is one of pain, longing, stress, and a lot of telling myself to be stronger and more positive than I may actually be. I want to bring light and positivity to others…. but at the same time there are so many days where I just can’t get it up for the world and I just want to feel frustrated and angry that for some reason the universe continues to withhold the last missing piece and I can’t for the life of me figure out WHY!!!!! Despite so many other amazing things that may be going right— this one missing piece haunts me.

Meanwhile, when I look up from my own journey I feel my heart break wide open for others that are fighting their own battles that are totally different than mine. I tell myself to “suck it up” and shame myself for indulging my feelings because others “have it so much worse”…. and while all of that may be true…. one journey cannot possibly be measured against another.

Every journey is unique and no one else is strong enough to move the mountain that has been assigned to you. It’s grueling…. and all the more laborious if you don’t allow yourself to experience what you’re feeling and constantly suppress and stifle yourself for the sake of putting up a brave face.

So in the end…. this life is pretty great. There’s so much here to be grateful for… and sometimes despite all of that I still hurt, and I must keep pressing on! However I can….