Weight Loss

Motivation is a Myth, and other big FAT lies

I started writing this post several months ago. Likely, saw something shiny and never made my way back to until today. I was saving a draft of something ELSE I’ll probably circle back around to much later than intended and saw this pending draft just sitting there. I don’t even remember writing it… I do that a lot. Sometimes I just gotta purge some troublesome thoughts. Sometimes, I have an idea or thought, but it’s not quite there yet and I think that was the case for this one. I cackled out loud at some of this and decided it was high time to come back around to pick up where I left off…

*time machine sounds*

The skin I walk around it today I feel pretty fabulous!! I’m now hauling around precisely 110 less pounds than I was a year ago. I still have a ways to go to meet my two final weight loss goals – release for getting pregnant and hitting ONEderland. *[Future Self is hauling -128lbs and both goals are now 12 & 22lbs within my grasp, respectively!! Yus!!!!]

I can fit into mostly regular sizes now. I feel pretty great most of the time and it’s overall been an awesome change!! I have however learned some pretty mind blowing shit over the course of the last year… and of course I wanna tell you about it all!

1.) It’s not gonna look or feel like you thought it would. I lost 100+lbs, and I’m still obese. I’m still a bigger girl, and there are problem areas I have to work on. Not everything is “fixed”. I still feel tired as hell some days and I still love naps– I don’t NEED them like I did before, but it’s not a perfect science. There was a time where losing even a fraction of what I have seemed impossible, and so magical like it would solve EVERYTHING… it hasn’t. I still got issues, and I’m still gonna have some when this is “over”.

2. Skin is the largest organ of your body. Skin is a big deal when you go through rapid weight loss – it’s not just for TV it can be a real problem. Hanging skin is a real thing. At the end of all this, removal may be a thing…. but it’s for future me to deal with. [Future-FUTURE Me even! I’m still not at the stage where removal is on my plate to deal with yet]

3. Wait was I hideous before???? People notice me now. I’m vocal about my weight loss, in life and on social so I get a lot of comments. Most people are kind enough to express that they liked my looks before, which is nice but hey I’ve seen the before photos — I was a dump truck. [😂😂😂 re-reading this comment about myself I laughed out loud! You should too… I mean I’m so damn funny] The comments make me laugh. They make me smile. Make me shrink into awkwardness, but mostly it’s all very humbling, the fact that anyone stops to to notice me is a sheer delight. I’m learning to be less awkward… but it’s a work in progress!!

4. Motivation is a lie! Yah I said it. Someone had to! People tell me all the time “oh you’re so inspiring” “you’ve got such motivation” and every time I wanna scream and be like “YOU FOOOL!!! I would straight up END ANY ONE OF YOU if I was offered payment in the form of a sprinkle donut right now!!!!”…. I am not always motivated and I’m not always strong. There are real moments of weakness, shame, fear and frustration that accompany every step in the right direction!!!

5. Weight loss anxiety is a thing. Personally, I have some level of anxiety. It’s mostly in check, and I’m aware of it which helps, but it’s heightened at times in my weight loss journey. I worry I’m gonna screw up. I worry that I’m not gonna lose enough at my weigh in. I worry that I’m gonna gain it all back…. I worry. A lot. I don’t celebrate as much as I should because I’m worried I’ll get too comfortable and slide back down this slippery slope. It’s scary, and exhausting and at times suffocating.

So, there’s the short list of things I wish I would have known before… not that I could have possibly understood but… No one warns you about that stuff so there you go!!!

Hopping back in here in the future now…. funny right??? It surprises me sometimes, my own inner voice sounds like an outsider at times but, I like her… she gets me.

I’m so stupid close to being done. I feel so grateful that I’ve been able to stick to this and finally know success in weight loss. Hopefully I will also know what success in parenthood can be like too! 🙏🏻🌈✨

TTC

You’re Doing It Wrong

Sometimes I learn things so obvious and simple that I don’t know how I’ve managed to survive this long as a human without knowing them!!!! This thing I’ve learned, seems common knowledge-yet I feel like there are many that don’t know it so I’m spreading the word!

Here’s the thing about weight loss and fitness and all the conflicting information that exists in the world!! There are so many ways to exercise all will get you to a different goal, and without realizing it you could jump in a lane headed to a goal that is not aligned with your own!! I’ve spent most of my life trying to figure it out! How to lose weight, how to exercise and the whole time… I’ve been doing it wrong!!

Now, I’m not a personal trainer. I’m not an expert- but I AM someone who has lost over 100lbs in less than a year and quite recently I feel like I’ve cracked the code on the thing and I’m obligated to share my findings for anyone else out there struggling like I have been!!

Up til now the program I am on has been strictly dietary. It’s medically monitored and I’m not permitted to give it out because it’s copy-written and dangerous to be on without being monitored. But I can tell you that my whole life… I have been exercising WRONG [for fat loss]!

You see it, in movies, tv shows, trainers, friends maybe “PUSH HARDER! You can do it! Push push push!!!!!” It’s always about more, more more!! You work out, and tell yourself to push harder, do more than last time, faster, farther than last time! I look back on workouts I’ve posted about in the past, and it seems like I was always so disappointed in them. Saying something like “points for showing up” or some other negative comment about it not being enough. So negative!!! Never satisfied with myself and what I was able to accomplish. Meanwhile, those same “not good enough” workouts would destroy my body! I was constantly sore, injuring myself, and for all the trouble… the weight loss never felt like it matched my efforts.

Here’s the thing that I’ve discovered that no one talks about!! It’s a simple concept but very effective!! Instead of gauging your workout by effort – measure it by heart rate! Target/Fat Burning Heart Rate to be exact!!

Now, in order to find YOUR specific actual max, resting and fat burning heart rate you’d need to visit a cardiologist but there are charts and tools available online to get you in the ballpark. From what I’ve read your own personal target rate can differ 10-20 beats but it seems to me at least if you can pinpoint a target and try for it you’ll see way better bang for your buck when it comes to your workouts!!

Here is a chart I found, your fat burning heart rate is in the 70% of max column.

Interval training still works, but you have to make sure your rest interval brings you all the way back down to at or below your target! Before, I would do 1 min intervals of work/rest and my heart rate wouldn’t have time to recover so my avg heart rate in my Feb work outs was 160-170 when it should have been more like 130!!!

This also makes so much sense when it comes to weight lifting- that particular exercise is not a high pumping heart rate activity! No wonder why it’s so effective!!

It’s so nice that NOW, I find that my fat burn zone is a comfortable jog/walk! I no longer have to completely exhaust myself to feel like I’ve done enough!! I’m not constantly sore, and I am completing more and better workouts, sometimes even more than one workout a day!!! I am still sweaty, I still improve my distance and time but not only do I feel more satisfied with my efforts–they’re actually making a difference on the scale!!!

Who would have guessed – if your workouts aren’t yielding the number you want to see on the scale the natural reaction isn’t to DO LESS… but for fat burning efficiency that’s exactly what I am doing!

Just by making these adjustments and being diligent about diet I’ve more than doubled my scale loss in the last month!!

February: total loss for the month was 5lbs – I worked out every day, and honestly was pretty miserable for most of that!

March: it’s the 10th and I’m already down 9lbs for the month!!! And I feel fantastic!

I dunno…. here’s the thing, I’m not telling you to do what I do, but based on my own experience and research it’s worth a try if you’re up for a challenge of your own!!!

I’m still 20-30lbs from finishing my program so we can start trying for baby, but man I tell you my head, heart and body finally all feel in sync and I’m no longer swimming against the tide!! All of this hard work is so much easier when it’s WORKING!!!!

That’s all I got for ya for now! Had to share what I’ve learned!!! All I can do is hope this information helps someone else that may be struggling because it’s just the worst to think you’re doing all the right things, to only be fighting yourself in the end!!!

Feeling like my very own superhero lately! Down 119lbs!

Then vs Now

Weight Loss

Falling Down, and Getting Up

We are taught when we are children that falling down is a part of life, and the getting up is what is important. We fall down constantly as children…. but as adults the falling becomes more symbolic than physical.

Through the last few years I’ve emotionally and symbolically fallen down repeatedly. I’ve let life beat me against the ropes hoping it would get tired so I could claim my glorious victory. And then… a few weeks ago I ACTUALLY fell down.

While vacationing at a theme park with friends on a hot summer day I ignored my body’s numerous signals and passed out from dehydration. That’s apparently a thing. The thought had NEVER crossed my mind. If it had, perhaps I would have made better choices. But hey, you’re on vacation, you don’t want to slow anyone down, you need to be the kick ass auntie and friend that always has a joke, a smile and will laugh at anything. Who has time to slow down and deal with boring stuff like drinking water!?!!

Of COURSE that didn’t stop me from making light of it all, and making sure the kids knew I was okay (that is, after the 2nd fainting spell, laying on the ground staring up at strangers, and the hoping I didn’t end up on YouTube panic had subsided — ps I’m still legitimately worried about that last. I was wearing a bright red shirt, and yellow leggings with dogs eating watermelon on them… Ah yes, clearly I was absent the day they discussed being a modest, subtle young lady…. nope HERE I AM WORLD …… *shaking my head* nice.)

(*hanging out in the Med-Bay rehydrating, and contemplating all the decisions I made in the last 48 hours.)

As the days pass, and focus on my hydration has been key I find myself still experiencing anxiety that this could happen to me again. What if I’m alone at home? Dear GOD! What if I’m alone in public??? What if I fall on something and really injure myself? The questions and scenarios whiz past and I become more and more anxious.

When did falling down become such a perilous and foreboding activity!??

Perhaps it’s the failure of this body that makes me so frightened. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time my body failed me- and sadly won’t be the last. However, I did not elect to lose ALL functionality it just happened. The complete and utter loss of control is probably the scariest thing I can think of! But… in the end that’s basically what life is all about.

Im doing my best to make sure this doesn’t happen to me again, and hope beyond hope that this is not part of some underlying issue that has yet to come to the surface.

For now though, to preserve THIS life, the one that’s worth celebrating I can’t let this one incident rule me and pin me down into a hole. I have fought so hard to make it here! Things before this incident had been remarkable!! I have lost a total of 72 pounds since March and I’m totally killin this!!! I have about 100 more to go to reach my optimal weight and seeing myself now and what I can overcome I know this will be no different!

(This photo was taken after the big fall… it actively represents spreading your wings and not being afraid …. oh and also displays just how cavalier I am with my fashion choices.)

(This is my latest weight loss progress! The first photo was taken in March, the 2nd was taken Yesterday July 14th. Oh and clearly I am still “working on” my subtlety… sloth leggings!??? Yes please!!!)

So I fell down… but I got back up and everything was fine…. just like when I was a kid. I’ll dust myself off and it will all work out.

Weight Loss

It’s just a number, but today it’s so much more!

Just when you thought that the most exciting thing to happened today would be the Royal Wedding… which let’s face it was awesome!! It’s going to be hard to beat that, but I’ll try…

Today, like every other day I stepped on the scale. But unlike most of the days before it- at least the days I can remember without straining the number displayed started with a 2 instead of a 3!

Now, this is terrifying to put out there. Far scarier than any of the stuff I write here about infertility as it were! I don’t like sharing my actual weight or how heavy I’ve let myself get- it’s humiliating and always has been. However, I think it’s part of the healing process I suddenly I feel compelled to shout this from the rooftops!!!!

This number doesn’t REALLY mean anything. It doesn’t define me, it’s not who I am, it’s temporary – but today it means some stuff.

It means I’ve lost 51 pounds y’all!!

It means I can do things that are really difficult!

It means I can go on the zip line in Vegas!

It means that I found something FINALLY that works.

It means that hard work can lead you to places you once thought you could not go.

It means that things CAN HAPPEN!

It means sometimes even if you don’t believe it, you can still do it!!!

It means that this could work… perhaps THIS will be the key to unlocking the future I so desperately desire!?

It means I gotta set some more goals to smash!

THIS fees pretty great.

For the next phase…. my personal goal is 40 pounds, I’ve wanted to try the indoor skydiving place near my work and that’s their weight limit. The virtual sky’s the limit man!!

Thanks to all for sharing and supporting this journey!

AngelMom, Weight Loss

Kisses from Heaven

So I’ve been sprinkling in workouts to my routine now that I’m past all the diet transitioning on my current program. One thing I do is try to jog/walk on my lunch break. I figure I only have a few of those lunch time jogs left before it gets so hot here that your face melts off!!!

Today, I set a goal to jog 1 whole lap around the building without slowing to walk. I almost made it all the way yesterday so I wanted to see how far I could push it if I made that my goal. I did it!!! That success felt great! (Difficult but great!)

I was feeling really empowered. Focusing on saying really nice things to myself during my run like:

  1. Look how strong you are!
  2. This is something you could not do when you started!
  3. Look how far you’ve come!
  4. You’re such a badass!
  5. You’re going to be such a great mom someday (and here’s where it gets squirrely)
  6. I bet Karate is proud of you, wherever he is
  7. You’re making every choice you can to make sure you never have to send anymore babies to heaven…..

And then I looked up…. and saw this.

Anyone that knows me well, knows my grandma always had this funny thing where she’d say “X’s in the sky are kisses from your loved ones in heaven”. I always laughed at her, until she passed away and now I always think of her when I see them.

At that moment though… my heart sank and I knew that particular X came from my baby in heaven.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cried through the rest of the run. I struggled to put one foot in front of the other and that was the end of any goal crushing I may have had planned for this run. New goal— Complete my 30 minutes and not make eye contact with anyone in the parking lot passing by.

It’s been a minute since I had an emotional outburst, in general, and about my loss. I truly feel like I have been healing and feeling much better about everything. But in that moment, everything I’ve ever felt about it caught up to me and hit me out of nowhere.

It’s important to feel through those feelings– and keep saying those nice things. I’m never going to be “over” what happened. I think about it every day. Maybe someday I won’t… but for today I’m breathing and feeling through the sensation of loss, longing, transitioning, growing, and yes… knowing I’m doing everything I can to create the best future I can have!

Weight Loss

Motivating the Un-Motivatable!

Time for an update!! So much has changed! I’m three weeks in! Three weeks into my medical weight loss journey! It’s been TOUGH, but oh my god you guys I am not only watching my body change before my eyes, but also so many other things are changing too!

I’ve tried to lose weight my whole life – too many times and fads to count! Some more successful than others, but all ending in falling off the wagon, gaining the weight back, feeling more awful and rejected than ever before.

When I am in a slump, I feel completely Un-motivatable! This time felt a little bit the same, but oh so different! The timing wasn’t great. I wasn’t in love with the plan. I didn’t buy all new work out clothes to insure I’d go to the gym…. and basically did nothing that I normally do when I focus on weight. Sometimes, I guess you just have to take a leap as scary as it is and change up EVERYTHING and believe it’s going to end differently because it started differently.

The main thing that motivates me are results- no matter how big or small I’ve ALWAYS been about results. Be it time off my run/walk, extra stamina, weight loss or whatever it is! I gotta have results to press forward!

I’m excited to share some amazing details about my progress!! Please keep in mind my program is medically monitored and I’m certain there are medical weight loss resources in a town near you!! I highly suggest this to anyone!!! It’s the only thing I’ve ever done that has WORKED!!!

Week 3 Progress:

  1. I have lost over 5 inches off my midsection!
  2. I have lost 22lbs in 3 weeks!
  3. I am no longer able to binge eat large quantities of food! (I’ve tried to bank my food for evening meals a few times and it’s backfired, as I wasn’t able to eat it all! Things I would not have believed if you told me 3 weeks ago!!)
  4. My Glucose level went from 109 to 82 in TWO WEEKS!!!!!
  5. I was able to stop taking Metformin! (Anyone who’s taken it knows it’s awful! Major bathroom issues with this med and I’m overjoyed to breakup with it!!)
  6. I feel great! I’m the girl who needed a nap in her car at lunch to make it through the day! Now a lot of that may have to do with the fact that I’ve been pumped up on fertility hormones for some time and those are all long gone now–but I’m sure a lot of it was this weight and the foods I was eating!
  7. I’m voluntarily working out! Nothing super strenuous at this time and workouts aren’t required on my plan– but I want to and it feels great!!
  8. I’m no longer winded instantly! This one’s huge for me!!
  9. I am rarely tempted to actually cheat. Sure stuff smells good… and I see delicious things all the time, but when it comes to actually “cheating” somehow I’ve managed to stay on the straight and narrow!

10.) Lastly…. my final result/reward is this photo.

The photo on the left was taken at the beginning of December, and the left this morning!! There are no words.

(But I’ll try to find some anyway)

Nothing feels better than tangible results…. and knowing you’re changing your life for the better! I was in the deepest darkest hole… and now I’m here and I believe that this time will be different, truly.

DISCLAIMER:

I can’t share the specifics of the plan, my doctor has very strict rules about sharing the program. If you’re interested in the details, I suggest you find a medical weight loss specialist in your area. If you’re in the Phoenix area message me and I will get you in contact with my doctor.