TTC

My Mother’s Day Wish

Every year, on this day… for the last decade I’ve made the same wish. Please, let this be the last year. The last year I have to hide from the internet, smile when I don’t want to, and act like I’m not being torn apart from the inside out. Please let this be the last year that I have to spend Mother’s Day with an honorary title…. not that I don’t love being a “Dog Mom” or Auntie– it’s just not enough for me. It’s not. So like the ones before it here I am this Mother’s Day, with tears in my eyes making the same wish.

Man. Shit is complicated these days!!! There isn’t a word for how I feel… and I feel like there should be and THAT makes me feel things! I’ve tried several times today to catalog the feels, to write them out and failed. Tried again and failed harder. This draft… might see the light of day, but I’m still debating. All day long I’ve tried to gift wrap this… these feelings. At one point I just thought…nope it’s not gonna happen. Just maybe, don’t acknowledge it at all. Who says I have to?? But that feels disingenuous too…. so here I am. Trying to scotch tape these feelings into something I can explain to the world….

I dunno… lonely. Lonely is a thing I feel. But not like, how you normally think of it. My oldest and best fertility friend is now pregnant. I can not express how wonderful that is, and how freeking excited I am for her– she DESERVES THIS!!!!!! But…. I’m alone now. And it’s hard…

We are going to start trying again… soon! Finally…. it’s exciting. And terrifying. There are a million questions racing through my brain at any given point … none of which I should be asking. Not the least of which goes something like…. “wonder if this is gonna work”… And the only answer I can muster I boosted from Captain America….

I’m doing my best to be positive and to say nice things, but if I’m really honest I’m terrified. Terrified of all the questions I can’t ask, and can’t answer. I’m terrified that I’ve come all this way only to have the door slammed in my face – or worse – opened for an instant and then slammed with the explosion of a failed pregnancy–again! I lived through the horror once I don’t know if I could make it out a second time and OF COURSE I’M SCARED OF THAT!!!! But I have to try!!!! Even with all that fear how could I not TRY!?!!!

*internally screaming … and sobbing real tears* this is what I mean… there’s no word for this. Truly…. I’m Hopefully Terrified Confused Apprehensive…. and just a little bit Numb. I need that word… whatever it is.

So today… as usual, I made my wish. I pictured the life I want so the universe can send it to me. I promised myself and the universe I would believe that what is meant for me will always find a way… and really yearn to trust that my most perfect life is somehow on its way.

To every manner of woman who is or desires motherhood… I see you. I appreciate all the tiny sacrifices that make a Mom no matter how that looks in your world.

Weight Loss

Motivation is a Myth, and other big FAT lies

I started writing this post several months ago. Likely, saw something shiny and never made my way back to until today. I was saving a draft of something ELSE I’ll probably circle back around to much later than intended and saw this pending draft just sitting there. I don’t even remember writing it… I do that a lot. Sometimes I just gotta purge some troublesome thoughts. Sometimes, I have an idea or thought, but it’s not quite there yet and I think that was the case for this one. I cackled out loud at some of this and decided it was high time to come back around to pick up where I left off…

*time machine sounds*

The skin I walk around it today I feel pretty fabulous!! I’m now hauling around precisely 110 less pounds than I was a year ago. I still have a ways to go to meet my two final weight loss goals – release for getting pregnant and hitting ONEderland. *[Future Self is hauling -128lbs and both goals are now 12 & 22lbs within my grasp, respectively!! Yus!!!!]

I can fit into mostly regular sizes now. I feel pretty great most of the time and it’s overall been an awesome change!! I have however learned some pretty mind blowing shit over the course of the last year… and of course I wanna tell you about it all!

1.) It’s not gonna look or feel like you thought it would. I lost 100+lbs, and I’m still obese. I’m still a bigger girl, and there are problem areas I have to work on. Not everything is “fixed”. I still feel tired as hell some days and I still love naps– I don’t NEED them like I did before, but it’s not a perfect science. There was a time where losing even a fraction of what I have seemed impossible, and so magical like it would solve EVERYTHING… it hasn’t. I still got issues, and I’m still gonna have some when this is “over”.

2. Skin is the largest organ of your body. Skin is a big deal when you go through rapid weight loss – it’s not just for TV it can be a real problem. Hanging skin is a real thing. At the end of all this, removal may be a thing…. but it’s for future me to deal with. [Future-FUTURE Me even! I’m still not at the stage where removal is on my plate to deal with yet]

3. Wait was I hideous before???? People notice me now. I’m vocal about my weight loss, in life and on social so I get a lot of comments. Most people are kind enough to express that they liked my looks before, which is nice but hey I’ve seen the before photos — I was a dump truck. [πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ re-reading this comment about myself I laughed out loud! You should too… I mean I’m so damn funny] The comments make me laugh. They make me smile. Make me shrink into awkwardness, but mostly it’s all very humbling, the fact that anyone stops to to notice me is a sheer delight. I’m learning to be less awkward… but it’s a work in progress!!

4. Motivation is a lie! Yah I said it. Someone had to! People tell me all the time “oh you’re so inspiring” “you’ve got such motivation” and every time I wanna scream and be like “YOU FOOOL!!! I would straight up END ANY ONE OF YOU if I was offered payment in the form of a sprinkle donut right now!!!!”…. I am not always motivated and I’m not always strong. There are real moments of weakness, shame, fear and frustration that accompany every step in the right direction!!!

5. Weight loss anxiety is a thing. Personally, I have some level of anxiety. It’s mostly in check, and I’m aware of it which helps, but it’s heightened at times in my weight loss journey. I worry I’m gonna screw up. I worry that I’m not gonna lose enough at my weigh in. I worry that I’m gonna gain it all back…. I worry. A lot. I don’t celebrate as much as I should because I’m worried I’ll get too comfortable and slide back down this slippery slope. It’s scary, and exhausting and at times suffocating.

So, there’s the short list of things I wish I would have known before… not that I could have possibly understood but… No one warns you about that stuff so there you go!!!

Hopping back in here in the future now…. funny right??? It surprises me sometimes, my own inner voice sounds like an outsider at times but, I like her… she gets me.

I’m so stupid close to being done. I feel so grateful that I’ve been able to stick to this and finally know success in weight loss. Hopefully I will also know what success in parenthood can be like too! πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒˆβœ¨

Weight Loss

Under Pressure

I’ve been pushing against it for at least a week now. Amidst a variety of other factors and issues I just haven’t been able to keep my head in straight, for about a week now. Scaling back my workouts, trying to meditate and make time for self care… but nothing seemed to help.

Pressure. Thick…. suffocating pressure beating down on me. If there’s one thing I have learned in the last year, it’s that any weight loss journey comes with it’s own maze of anxiety and pressure. Sometimes that pressure provides motivation, and fire and I am usually able to USE THAT!! Typically I can convert it into helpful fuel to propel myself further on this dusty road! After all, as they say — no pressure, no diamonds!

BUT this?? This pressure??? Building up, climbing the walls and cracking the seams of my soul….. this is anxiety dressed up in costume parading around as a pressure I can’t possibly tame.

On Tuesday, I woke with a migraine… most likely as a result of lazy hydration. So, I excused myself from work and closed my eyes tight against my pillow. I could still feel my brains throbbing inside my scull…. but somehow I drifted off to a dreamless sleep.

When I woke the headache felt better, but the anxiety and panic I felt was at a rolling boil. I knew I would need to get up, get up and go downstairs… near the kitchen where the food is. And I’d have to make choices.

I do everything I can to make those choices easy. I prepare my food, currently I’m only eating once a day to try to combat a stall on the scale and ongoing will power obstacles. But today… today I need it to stop.

I sat on the couch ignoring the kitchen at my back…. but after a while it felt like even the walls were vibrating.

When anxiety strikes me like this, it’s rare but usually there’s typically always something to be done. A choice of some kind that makes it stop. I knew what it was, and I’ve been fighting against it. I AM SO CLOSE! So close to ending this stage of the game!! BUT I can’t get there if I’m fighting myself every step of the way. It’s time for a break.

I called my Diet Doc and got approved for a break, and all at once the vibrating anxiety quake settled.

It’s not a perfect science. But sometimes, you just need to break and allow yourself the room to breathe and JUST BE! A few days of flexibility should do me good!!!!

Final thought: I sound like a broken record, but listen to your insides…. sometimes they tell you things you don’t care for, things you don’t like to hear– but it’s far easier to embrace the info and find a way to accept it than spending your time and energy fighting it!! You’re doing better than you think you are so give yourself a break!!

And also THIS!!!

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

Fight the good fight!

If someone would have told me, that I would have to go through the most devastating heartbreak in order to end up on the path that leads to my best life… I don’t know that I would agree to that??? Would any of us?? Really?? I mean, especially not if we actually knew the depths of that devastation– who would be on board for that kind of turmoil!?? Certainly not me….

Yet, here I am about two years after that most terrible event thinking to myself … is it possible to be grateful for that?? Never would I ever imagined that ANYTHING good or positive could come from all of that pain!?!? So much has changed, so much unexpected joy and accomplishment has come from that one event that tore my whole world apart…so that I could have the chance to build a better one. And make no mistake, if that loss had never occurred the life I have now could NEVER have been realized.

    I am over 100lbs lighter, husband is 170lbs lighter!!!
    I have a stronger bond with my husband having gone through, loss (emotional and physical)
    We have learned how to eat- so we can teach our kid(s) the things it took us a lifetime to learn!
    We’ve both accepted therapy and gotten emotional support with handling loss and anxiety – we are stronger for this!
    We’ve had to fight for the life we want. I tend to think we will be more appreciative of it when it gets here.

So it’s true what they say, “sometimes things have to fall apart, so better things can fall together.” It’s never easy to accept, and it’s gonna hurt like hell all the way there, but it is a beautiful thing once you realize you’re on the right path.

I long for the life I had to give up. However, I’m learning to use that longing to my benefit. I use it as fuel for the fire that I need to get to the finish line, instead of letting it burn down my spirit and consume me.

I’ve fought too hard, risked and lost too much to give up any ground now!!!!

For those that are fighting for your best life — keep fighting. Keep notes, for every micro victory rejoice and be proud. For that’s the best and hardest advice to follow!

TTC, Weight Loss

Deal… or No Deal

Hey!! It’s been a minute!!!! It’s been several actually since I had enough headspace, clarity and wit to compose anything worth publishing. I have all of those things now, so here we go.

I had a pretty rough week. It wasn’t all bad, it wasn’t great but it was rough. It was emotional, I discovered some shit and I’m happy to share- as usual!

To update, at this point in my weight loss I have lost 106lbs and it’s FUCKING AMAZING! It has been 11 months, I’m off all the pre-diabetes meds and watchlists, my cholesterol and blood pressure are all in the perfectly normal ass kicking range, and my A1C was 4.9 – so I am ALL GOOD when it comes to those boxes that had been needing check marks. But, I’m still not done. I haven’t met my overall weight loss goal of -170lbs and I’m not at the waist measurement yet to complete the program.

I’ve known for a while now that I was going to ring up shy on the 1 year time goal that we set upon starting this thing and I think subconsciously I’ve allowed that fact to bum me out and slow down my weight loss. I’ve allowed a series of smaller cheats and leeways in the plan just to keep from falling completely off – which shows progress, but is still not awesome. Hey, you do what you can to survive but I’m capable of more.

This week though, I felt particularly low. My husband finished the program last week and is now going into maintenance mode… of course he is – men can sneeze and lose 10lbs!!! I’m ridiculously proud of him and so thrilled he has been beside me the whole way on this–none of this is easy and he’s been SUCH a champ!! My hero! That being said, it’s tough watching him be able to have regular food now at will while I am still on program.

Adding to the perfect storm of meltdown madness was the resonating fact, that when we started I gave myself an end point of 1 year. 1 year to lose all the weight I need to lose in order to get pregnant…. and here we are within 30 days of that and I know I am about 70lbs shy of the goal.

There was a time when just thinking of losing 100lbs was like a fairy tale! Like if I could just do that everything would be solved!!!! Yet — here I am and still have a mountain to climb before I can be done. Trying to figure out how to get to the end and how long it’s going to take from here — I just found myself digging in a giant hole I couldn’t get out of … I broke.

“Everyone else gets to move on accept for MEEEE!!!!” ….

…. the words vibrated off the walls of my brain and I just lost it. The tears could not be stopped. It’s hard. It’s hard to keep clawing and fighting. I’m tired, frustrated, and worn the hell down.

For someone who’s ultimate goal weight is … pregnancy…. this is all just too hard sometimes. Sometimes you have to break to break through… and that’s ok too.

I broke at the best place I could, the diet doctor’s office. We had a long talk, I cried, then I asked questions, questions I hadn’t been brave enough to ask before and she gave me answers. And more than that, she gave me a plan. A goal… and a deal- but we’ll get to that!

Turns out one of the things I’d been missing was a micro-goal. I have had this huge mountain of weight to get through and have been swinging for the fences just collecting pounds and throwing them into the “finished” pile. Now that I’ve lost more weight than I have left, I’m on the downhill slope now so I need something closer. Something that I can see, that I can TARGET and move toward. I have that now.

The deal— Diet Doc could see the desperation and pain in my eyes. “When doc!?” *pause, wiping away tears and snot* “When…. when will it be enough for us to TRY again!??”

[she asked us in the beginning to wait until we lost the weight to try for baby again]

She flipped through my chart, looked at me with tears in her own eyes… choked them back and handed me a tissue and continued flipping…. after a few moments of puzzling she looked up and said “I have a deal for you, do you want to take it?”

Oh geez does she think I’m nuts? What if the deal is 1 more year of this? What if the deal is “sure try but eat nothing but broccoli for the rest of your life!”???? I dunno man….. I paused and must have nodded yes.

“The deal is”, she continued — “Take 2 Days. Go eat whatever you want. No limitations…. just get it out of your system. After those two days are up it’s GO TIME! I want you to give it EVERYTHING YOU HAVE And after 30 days if your weight is acceptable (she did give me a # and it’s attainable y’all) you’ll have my blessing to start trying again.”

Deal.

That one interaction was all the things I needed.

Compassion. Understanding. Support. A GOD DAMN GOAL. And some real motivation to achieve it.

So, here’s my advice…. in case you want some – from the non-expert!!

  1. Make some “deals” with yourself – you get a little something you GIVE something! It helps!
  2. If it’s part of the plan you CAN do just about anything.
  3. You’re not going to accidentally succeed (at least not consistently) so make some goals micro and macro ones and crush em!!
  4. Give yourself the room you need to breathe and then go get it — whatever IT IS.
  5. Tell everyone. I’m not that person that can quietly carry on just crushing their goals in silence. So I say tell the world, get cheerleaders cause you’re gonna need em!! Goodness knows my cheerleaders have a full time gig and I’m grateful for every one of them! ❀️

AngelMom, TTC

Baby Mine

Sometimes I think about what the future might look like, in whatever world where we get to be parents. It helps me keep going, and also kind of breaks my heart. I wonder … often what it be like, what our kid would be like, who’s nose and eyes they’d have… what their laugh would sound like…. and I think of what it would feel like to hold that baby, feel him or her sinking into my chest as I sing them to sleep…. not to like jinx every birthday candle and dandelion I’ve ever encountered, but that is my greatest and most powerful wish in the world.

There’s always been a very special lullaby I’ve wanted to be able to sing to my little one. On tough nights, I hum or sing it to myself when I can’t fall asleep. I feel the cold salty tears soak my pillow and drift off into a dreamland where things always turn out the way they’re supposed to.

Today, I recorded a version of that lullaby. It took me about a hundred times to get through it without choking up, crying or just completely stalling out… but I did it. This song holds a special place in my heart, the double edge of both comforting me and making me long for a time that I can only I hope lies on the horizon for us.

I’d like to think that by facing this stuff that doesn’t feel so great that I’m proving to myself I can do difficult things and I can at least find comfort in that.

Sharing this with the world is scary, but also very freeing…face those demons that haunt you. Look them in the eye and give them a hug so maybe they’ll stop bullying you…. that’s all we can do!

oxo – Baby Mine

https://www.smule.com/p/895577070_2615335542

AngelMom, TTC

Unconscious-Consious

Sometimes… I can’t not think of you. Life is fantastic, and grand and going just swell and then all of a sudden it’s like a missed a step and I’m falling down a staircase. Can’t breathe, can’t think, the wind fully knocked out of my lungs, and I just sort of hang there for a spell.

I can’t not think of you.

Usually I can anticipate these low moments, maybe it’s because your birthday or your angel day are coming up-and it makes sense to me. Then there are times, like yesterday when I don’t see it coming and it’s devastating to realize too late in the game that you’re the reason why I’m feeling broken and unsettled.

Yesterday was Halloween, and I was busy planning my usual badass costume and a fun (but kind of boring/uneventful) holiday. I should have felt happy, and excited in my awesome costume, in this new bangin body… but I felt … pinned down, uptight and generally distressed by everything.

All day, I was anxious and aggravated by absolutely nothing! I tried to blame the SPANX (I mean, the jury is still out in that since I’d like to personally execute the demon spawn that invented them and made all of us ladies think we need them to be sexy!) and a host of other factors that normally would not bother me.

I went like this through the better part of the day, trying to catch myself being cantankerous and re-route, but as the day went on I felt increasingly overwhelmed and out of breath all the way to my soul so I excused myself for a late break to clear my head.

I wondered Target, and as I made my way to the checkout for a few random impulse items. I landed behind the cutest 2 year old who was laughing and smiling at me…. and at that moment… it clicked.

Halloween, is an earmarked day too and I’d neglected it. It’s not as big as a birthday or an angel day, but 2 years ago I was having the IUI that would lead to your loss…. and somewhere inside I felt that, and was not processing it. Meanwhile my whole body, mind and soul were at war over it. All at once I was devastated and relieved at the same time.

I keep thinking at some point it won’t hurt so much, that I won’t be sad every time a see a kid that is near your age, or when someone else gets pregnant and I don’t. I keep thinking at some point I won’t feel jealous and snarky at someone else’s happiness, but it’s real. That is real to me, jealousy and pain. It’s not every day… but it’s there, lurking in the dark corners of my mind….somewhere behind my smile waiting to bubble over without notice.

Acknowledging it feels better, more real and honest than trying to plaster on a fake smile. Sometimes the world doesn’t really have time to pause for your emotional turmoil. All I know is when I finally let go, gave those feelings a hug and told myself it was ok everything was exponentially better.

So, I guess the moral is:

  • It’s ok to feel stuff.
  • It’s not ok to torture yourself for having said feelings.
  • Listen … anxiety can be quiet or it can be loud, but either way there’s probably an underlying message trying to come through
  • Be nice to everyone, you never know what sort of emotional warfare is happening beyond your line of sight.
    It’s ok to be under construction.