AngelMom, TTC

Baby Mine

Sometimes I think about what the future might look like, in whatever world where we get to be parents. It helps me keep going, and also kind of breaks my heart. I wonder … often what it be like, what our kid would be like, who’s nose and eyes they’d have… what their laugh would sound like…. and I think of what it would feel like to hold that baby, feel him or her sinking into my chest as I sing them to sleep…. not to like jinx every birthday candle and dandelion I’ve ever encountered, but that is my greatest and most powerful wish in the world.

There’s always been a very special lullaby I’ve wanted to be able to sing to my little one. On tough nights, I hum or sing it to myself when I can’t fall asleep. I feel the cold salty tears soak my pillow and drift off into a dreamland where things always turn out the way they’re supposed to.

Today, I recorded a version of that lullaby. It took me about a hundred times to get through it without choking up, crying or just completely stalling out… but I did it. This song holds a special place in my heart, the double edge of both comforting me and making me long for a time that I can only I hope lies on the horizon for us.

I’d like to think that by facing this stuff that doesn’t feel so great that I’m proving to myself I can do difficult things and I can at least find comfort in that.

Sharing this with the world is scary, but also very freeing…face those demons that haunt you. Look them in the eye and give them a hug so maybe they’ll stop bullying you…. that’s all we can do!

oxo – Baby Mine

https://www.smule.com/p/895577070_2615335542

Weight Loss

Memoirs of an Awkward Girl….

Oh my gosh– sorry I feel like it’s been 5ever since I had the time, topic and wherewithal to compose a blog post!! For that I’m sorry!!

Today, today was pretty neat.

I’m currently down 78lbs and today I must have picked the right outfit to showcase this thang because I felt like every set of eyes that passed me had to stop and gush about my weight loss! Thank YOU skinny jeans — sheesh that was a lot more attention than I bargained for!!

Don’t get me wrong — I’m stoked that I’m still consistently losing weight and it’s obviously showing! The thing is I personally, am lousy at accepting compliments!!! I turn into THE most awkward girl ever!!!

I don’t know when it started or why this happens and I know I am sure not the only one – awkward girls everywhere UNITE!!! I really am trying to figure out a graceful way to accept all the attention and praise– but it’s so tricky!!!

I will say this, to the many people that have personally reached out to me and shared your stories, your triumphs, failures, fears and ultimately support and praise — THOSE are the things that keep me going. I never in my wildest dreams would think this thing I’m doing could touch someone else and to hear that it has!?? Well that just is a priceless gift. Thank YOU all for that.

As for me, I have a bit of a time patting myself on the back at this juncture because I’m only about half way to my goal! I still have SO FAR to go!!

Now wait – hold on internet moms of mine everywhere. I know your gut reaction is going to be to tell me I need to celebrate and rejoice all the tiny wins that equal up to this momentous weight loss but honestly, I’m just trying to stay focused and humble so I can see this thing through!!!

This point – this weight- is the point that i have never been able to surpass. I get here, something happens- I revert back to old ways and it all goes downhill! That won’t be happening this time. I’ve approached this all so so differently time, but the fear and angst still looms that somehow I’ll screw it up!!!

So, in light of such a lovely day of compliments, praise, and raised eyebrow glances I just say thank you… and keep on trucking down this road!!!!

oh, and here’s a progress photo in case you wondered what 78 pounds looks like!

Trying on Jeans at Maurice’s, they fit. Not as well as I’d like but it’s still a huge win. I never fit in their pants before and now I wear a size 20-22! Skipped right over their largest size and making my way down!!

Start (March) vs tonight post workout! I’m a hawt mess– emphasis on the HAWT! Hahhaa

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

Advice from a tiny green puppet…

It’s funny…. like when you have seen a movie or heard a song over and over, but then all of a sudden you hear something that you never have before. Or, maybe for the very first time it clicks in your brain and suddenly everything looks different. This happens to me a lot. Today, I had a Star Wars related mind explosion. I could recite the whole anthology from start to finish, but all of a sudden with no warning or reason I heard a tiny green voice whisper something to me on my drive to work…. but I’ll get to that…..

Life has been going pretty swell!!! Weight loss is steady, exciting, and unyielding! I’ve lost 58lbs since March! Nothing that I’ve ever done has worked like this!!! It’s amazing. But…. I continually find myself being annoyed and impatient that this part- the weight loss part- isn’t over yet. I’m constantly just waiting for it all to be over so it can finally be my turn!!!!

I’ve found myself being very anxious and jealous…. and just generally wound up about having to wait this thing out. I fool myself into thinking that I’m being a good patient person when in reality I can’t WAIT to give up on this so I can be pregnant. Getting pregnant is WHY I’m here. Nothing else has carried me this far… but it’s not enough. It’s not going to be if I can’t figure out how to be OK with this life knowing that THIS is what’s important regardless of what happens after – especially because there’s no guarantee that any amount of weight loss will lead to a baby.

So I’m driving down the road thinking of that fact… and it all seems so overwhelming and impossible some days. I’m reminded that I sound like a little whiny Jedi Baby!!! That’s when my little green friend whispered in my ear “You must let go… of everything you fear to lose.”

I sat there for the next 50 minutes of my drive with my mouth hanging open just trying to unpack the statement and why it suddenly meant so much to me. Being astonished at the randomness of it all. Why, on this day has my subconscious decided to resonate this point!??

No matter the reason there’s not much more relevant than this one declaration to Let Go. I have to let go. Let go the notion that my weight loss is only about getting pregnant. It’s not. It’s about so much more than that.

  • It’s about making a life I’m proud of.
  • It’s about doing this really important thing WITH the person I picked to live forever with!
  • It’s about supporting each other!
  • It’s about being healthy.
  • It’s about not worrying that either of us will randomly die of a completely avoidable health condition.
  • It’s about being my best self.
  • It’s about taking back control of my choices, my body, my life!
  • It’s about not giving in or giving up – there’s nothing bigger than that!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…. at the end of this we may not GET our baby. That’s a true fact. If I allow that future hope of baby to rule this part of my life, not only am I robbing myself of the joys that this journey comes with, but I may even resent the fact that I ever took this path in the first place! That’s not the kind of person I want my best self to be. I have to let go… and find a way to proceed without being so fixated on what COULD BE.

This advice may come from a Muppet… but it’s good enough for me. It always has been. I must let go.

Muppet or not, his advice is always on point! Thank you ❤️ Master Yoda.

Do. Or Do Not, there is no Try.

The greatest teacher, failure is.

Unlearn what you have learned.

Fear is the path to the dark side.

Weight Loss

It’s just a number, but today it’s so much more!

Just when you thought that the most exciting thing to happened today would be the Royal Wedding… which let’s face it was awesome!! It’s going to be hard to beat that, but I’ll try…

Today, like every other day I stepped on the scale. But unlike most of the days before it- at least the days I can remember without straining the number displayed started with a 2 instead of a 3!

Now, this is terrifying to put out there. Far scarier than any of the stuff I write here about infertility as it were! I don’t like sharing my actual weight or how heavy I’ve let myself get- it’s humiliating and always has been. However, I think it’s part of the healing process I suddenly I feel compelled to shout this from the rooftops!!!!

This number doesn’t REALLY mean anything. It doesn’t define me, it’s not who I am, it’s temporary – but today it means some stuff.

It means I’ve lost 51 pounds y’all!!

It means I can do things that are really difficult!

It means I can go on the zip line in Vegas!

It means that I found something FINALLY that works.

It means that hard work can lead you to places you once thought you could not go.

It means that things CAN HAPPEN!

It means sometimes even if you don’t believe it, you can still do it!!!

It means that this could work… perhaps THIS will be the key to unlocking the future I so desperately desire!?

It means I gotta set some more goals to smash!

THIS fees pretty great.

For the next phase…. my personal goal is 40 pounds, I’ve wanted to try the indoor skydiving place near my work and that’s their weight limit. The virtual sky’s the limit man!!

Thanks to all for sharing and supporting this journey!

AngelMom, Weight Loss

Kisses from Heaven

So I’ve been sprinkling in workouts to my routine now that I’m past all the diet transitioning on my current program. One thing I do is try to jog/walk on my lunch break. I figure I only have a few of those lunch time jogs left before it gets so hot here that your face melts off!!!

Today, I set a goal to jog 1 whole lap around the building without slowing to walk. I almost made it all the way yesterday so I wanted to see how far I could push it if I made that my goal. I did it!!! That success felt great! (Difficult but great!)

I was feeling really empowered. Focusing on saying really nice things to myself during my run like:

  1. Look how strong you are!
  2. This is something you could not do when you started!
  3. Look how far you’ve come!
  4. You’re such a badass!
  5. You’re going to be such a great mom someday (and here’s where it gets squirrely)
  6. I bet Karate is proud of you, wherever he is
  7. You’re making every choice you can to make sure you never have to send anymore babies to heaven…..

And then I looked up…. and saw this.

Anyone that knows me well, knows my grandma always had this funny thing where she’d say “X’s in the sky are kisses from your loved ones in heaven”. I always laughed at her, until she passed away and now I always think of her when I see them.

At that moment though… my heart sank and I knew that particular X came from my baby in heaven.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cried through the rest of the run. I struggled to put one foot in front of the other and that was the end of any goal crushing I may have had planned for this run. New goal— Complete my 30 minutes and not make eye contact with anyone in the parking lot passing by.

It’s been a minute since I had an emotional outburst, in general, and about my loss. I truly feel like I have been healing and feeling much better about everything. But in that moment, everything I’ve ever felt about it caught up to me and hit me out of nowhere.

It’s important to feel through those feelings– and keep saying those nice things. I’m never going to be “over” what happened. I think about it every day. Maybe someday I won’t… but for today I’m breathing and feeling through the sensation of loss, longing, transitioning, growing, and yes… knowing I’m doing everything I can to create the best future I can have!

Weight Loss

Motivating the Un-Motivatable!

Time for an update!! So much has changed! I’m three weeks in! Three weeks into my medical weight loss journey! It’s been TOUGH, but oh my god you guys I am not only watching my body change before my eyes, but also so many other things are changing too!

I’ve tried to lose weight my whole life – too many times and fads to count! Some more successful than others, but all ending in falling off the wagon, gaining the weight back, feeling more awful and rejected than ever before.

When I am in a slump, I feel completely Un-motivatable! This time felt a little bit the same, but oh so different! The timing wasn’t great. I wasn’t in love with the plan. I didn’t buy all new work out clothes to insure I’d go to the gym…. and basically did nothing that I normally do when I focus on weight. Sometimes, I guess you just have to take a leap as scary as it is and change up EVERYTHING and believe it’s going to end differently because it started differently.

The main thing that motivates me are results- no matter how big or small I’ve ALWAYS been about results. Be it time off my run/walk, extra stamina, weight loss or whatever it is! I gotta have results to press forward!

I’m excited to share some amazing details about my progress!! Please keep in mind my program is medically monitored and I’m certain there are medical weight loss resources in a town near you!! I highly suggest this to anyone!!! It’s the only thing I’ve ever done that has WORKED!!!

Week 3 Progress:

  1. I have lost over 5 inches off my midsection!
  2. I have lost 22lbs in 3 weeks!
  3. I am no longer able to binge eat large quantities of food! (I’ve tried to bank my food for evening meals a few times and it’s backfired, as I wasn’t able to eat it all! Things I would not have believed if you told me 3 weeks ago!!)
  4. My Glucose level went from 109 to 82 in TWO WEEKS!!!!!
  5. I was able to stop taking Metformin! (Anyone who’s taken it knows it’s awful! Major bathroom issues with this med and I’m overjoyed to breakup with it!!)
  6. I feel great! I’m the girl who needed a nap in her car at lunch to make it through the day! Now a lot of that may have to do with the fact that I’ve been pumped up on fertility hormones for some time and those are all long gone now–but I’m sure a lot of it was this weight and the foods I was eating!
  7. I’m voluntarily working out! Nothing super strenuous at this time and workouts aren’t required on my plan– but I want to and it feels great!!
  8. I’m no longer winded instantly! This one’s huge for me!!
  9. I am rarely tempted to actually cheat. Sure stuff smells good… and I see delicious things all the time, but when it comes to actually “cheating” somehow I’ve managed to stay on the straight and narrow!

10.) Lastly…. my final result/reward is this photo.

The photo on the left was taken at the beginning of December, and the left this morning!! There are no words.

(But I’ll try to find some anyway)

Nothing feels better than tangible results…. and knowing you’re changing your life for the better! I was in the deepest darkest hole… and now I’m here and I believe that this time will be different, truly.

DISCLAIMER:

I can’t share the specifics of the plan, my doctor has very strict rules about sharing the program. If you’re interested in the details, I suggest you find a medical weight loss specialist in your area. If you’re in the Phoenix area message me and I will get you in contact with my doctor.

TTC

Only hope….

Sometimes I like to sit alone in my house just listening to the clocks tick away the time. The heartbeat of his home we’ve built. I imagine how much it will change when we finally get our wish and it’s taken over by the rumble of clomping tiny feet, screaming, crying, pooping and all the other ear splitting sounds that come along with parenthood….

I hope when that happens I’ll be able to think back and appreciate these silent moments, but not yearn for them. I hope that I never lose sight of how badly we want all of this. I think of that often. As I watch others with their children… they’re tired and they’re weary of wiping butts and boogers, of settling sibling disputes, of everything being sticky and smelly… of never getting enough sleep and catching every illness their kid brings home from school… and honestly I sit on my hands and can’t WAIT to sign up!! I’m sure it’ll all catch up to me some day, but for now I couldn’t be more ready to pledge the sacred Fraternity of Parenthood!

As I listen patiently to the tic tock… thump thump thump of my clock collection I imagine that it’s the sound of my baby’s heartbeat. I know it’s way too early to actually be the case….but something inside feels different this time. It may be in my head, or a side effect of the hormones, but I swear I can feel … something.

Apart from twinges, I’ve been feeling mostly positive; however occasionally I can feel the conflict inside… reminding me of the awful things that have happened in the past and how real the possibly is that they could happen again. When I feel those thoughts bubble to the surface it’s difficult to remember I’m in control of them, and I have the power to banish them. I catch myself just holding my breath and staying completely still so that I don’t mess anything up — but it’s time to breathe! Breathe and believe, that it feels different this time because IT IS…

There’s no room for doubt and fear right now… only hope