Tag: not pregnant negative test

TTC

The terrible two’s!

Confessions of an Angel Mom

So, I wrote this excerpt about 2 years ago…. just before I got pregnant with my miracle babe!!! It’s so crazy to read it now… on the other side of this rainbow! In a new chapter of this book of ME!

I remember the exact feelings I was wrestling with – trying to find contentment and satisfaction and all the while just beaten down by my broken heart. The heart I never thought would heal… but has. Now that I have a two year old it terrifies me to think that I would have a four and a two year old right now and how very different life would be.

It also pains me to think that here I am on the other side with all my dreams made real and I’m still feeling frustrated and pained that I just don’t have everything – like a tight figure AND my miracle babe! Trying to get my head right so I can lose some of the weight I packed on through pregnancy and the 2020’s (I blame COVID for everything) while also being a mom, wife, caregiver, housekeeper, chef, and whatever else in-between that I AM these days…..

So … while I’m doing that please enjoy a very old passage from past me who I wish I could just go hug and let her know that “YOU’RE ALMOST THERE!!!!”

*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*

And out of nowhere it occurred to me … you’d be two.

I feel like enough time has past since my ectopic pregnancy where my mind doesn’t drift over to my alternate life as much. The alternate life where you exist…. Which is good… and sad. To think of that life, and how different things would be if you were able to stay makes my heart ache. It makes my heart ache as I watch my friends who have youngsters around your age…. makes my heart hurt that after pressing pause on our efforts to conceive for the last year that it hasn’t just HAPPENED now that we are trying again. It’s only been a couple of months, I know…. but every cycle lasts an eternity and each month that goes by with a negative pregnancy test seems to tear a new hole in my already mangled heart.

It’s been two and half years since I lost my first child… it’s terrible, and somehow wonderful. So much GOOD has come from that impossible pain yet I have the hardest time being ok with the NOW of it all.

I want to be content with the beautiful life I have, but I’m constantly reaching for the one I imagine in my heart.

Just be patient they say… the world. Not really understanding that I’ve been practicing THIS patience for 10 YEARS!!! Hubby and I have been married 13 years…. 10 of those trying to start our family!? We’ve almost never NOT been doing THIS!!!! When we took those vows 13 years ago, never did it occur to me that a family of our own would be so challenging and how much hurt would come along with our path….I didn’t know then what exactly those vows would entail. I’d say them again…. but damn.

And one blurry picture of a very happy holiday kiddo… because I made it!!! We’re IN the good part!!!!!!!

TTC

Clear Blur

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Yes, things are clear and I am somewhat blue. 

I mean, I am and I’m not. I predicted these results. They certainly make sense at least, unlike so many other times where we went to hell and back and everything seemed SO CERTAIN only to get this brand of result. 

This time is a little different. 

Only having one round of troops into battle I knew going in that the odds were not ever in my favor here, but along with everyone else my stupid brain reminds me about the age old adage that “it only takes one” … and I still held out some secret hope that this could actually happen to us. I attempted the double reverse fake out jinx tactic where I tempt fate to prove me wrong by giving me what I actually want!! Fate apparently, is on to the double jinx.

So I’ve been trying to strategize my next move. Are we still on treatment break? Do we try naturally? Do we take a month completely off? What?…. Let’s check the old calendar and see what’s up? Now, if Aunt Flo shows up in the next day or two like she’s supposed to that’ll park my next fertile window…. aw crap. 

Amazing hubby landed an awesome new job this week! It’s been part of the reason that last cycle was so unimpressive. It really is difficult to “try” to get pregnant when you have many other things going on, and I get that. Being that we had already declared a bit of a break I didn’t force the issue like I normally would. FERTILITY OVER EVERYTHING is usually my stance, but this month I just kinda let it happen- or not in this case which is fine. It was very much worth it! I’m so excited for this new opportunity for hubby, it’s so nice to see him happy about something again.

New job starts November 1st and the first day wil be served in San Francisco smack dab in the middle of fertile window. Shit. The entire window he will be gone. There’s no acceptable scenario where I piggyback and go along on the trip- even if I could swing it logistically how awful for him would that be to be starting a new job, meeting people at headquarters and also having to be on call for doin’ it??? Yah no… the answer to my query has now been revealed. 

Here’s the thing. 

It’s not ideal. Sure. It’s not part what I want certainly, but at this point I can look at this and MAKE it the plan for this cycle. I can deal with any awful thing, if it’s part of the plan. It’s the unexpected curveballs, and left field nonsense that derails my lovely plans and expectations that really make my head spin. So, for at least the immediate now – this month we’re off. 
We are REALLY off. 

For the first time in almost a decade I won’t have to worry about any of this. I won’t have to try to fake out my lady parts or the universe. I won’t have to remind myself to have hope- cause it only takes one. No charting, forced intimacy, symptom spotting, no driving myself crazy and NO nonsense.
It’s going to be a good month for distraction, which I should have plenty of thankfully, but it will not break me to really BE on break. 

  • Cycle Day: 34
  • Tests: 1 ⛔️
  • Mental State: Sure, whatever.