Weight Loss

Falling Down, and Getting Up

We are taught when we are children that falling down is a part of life, and the getting up is what is important. We fall down constantly as children…. but as adults the falling becomes more symbolic than physical.

Through the last few years I’ve emotionally and symbolically fallen down repeatedly. I’ve let life beat me against the ropes hoping it would get tired so I could claim my glorious victory. And then… a few weeks ago I ACTUALLY fell down.

While vacationing at a theme park with friends on a hot summer day I ignored my body’s numerous signals and passed out from dehydration. That’s apparently a thing. The thought had NEVER crossed my mind. If it had, perhaps I would have made better choices. But hey, you’re on vacation, you don’t want to slow anyone down, you need to be the kick ass auntie and friend that always has a joke, a smile and will laugh at anything. Who has time to slow down and deal with boring stuff like drinking water!?!!

Of COURSE that didn’t stop me from making light of it all, and making sure the kids knew I was okay (that is, after the 2nd fainting spell, laying on the ground staring up at strangers, and the hoping I didn’t end up on YouTube panic had subsided — ps I’m still legitimately worried about that last. I was wearing a bright red shirt, and yellow leggings with dogs eating watermelon on them… Ah yes, clearly I was absent the day they discussed being a modest, subtle young lady…. nope HERE I AM WORLD …… *shaking my head* nice.)

(*hanging out in the Med-Bay rehydrating, and contemplating all the decisions I made in the last 48 hours.)

As the days pass, and focus on my hydration has been key I find myself still experiencing anxiety that this could happen to me again. What if I’m alone at home? Dear GOD! What if I’m alone in public??? What if I fall on something and really injure myself? The questions and scenarios whiz past and I become more and more anxious.

When did falling down become such a perilous and foreboding activity!??

Perhaps it’s the failure of this body that makes me so frightened. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time my body failed me- and sadly won’t be the last. However, I did not elect to lose ALL functionality it just happened. The complete and utter loss of control is probably the scariest thing I can think of! But… in the end that’s basically what life is all about.

Im doing my best to make sure this doesn’t happen to me again, and hope beyond hope that this is not part of some underlying issue that has yet to come to the surface.

For now though, to preserve THIS life, the one that’s worth celebrating I can’t let this one incident rule me and pin me down into a hole. I have fought so hard to make it here! Things before this incident had been remarkable!! I have lost a total of 72 pounds since March and I’m totally killin this!!! I have about 100 more to go to reach my optimal weight and seeing myself now and what I can overcome I know this will be no different!

(This photo was taken after the big fall… it actively represents spreading your wings and not being afraid …. oh and also displays just how cavalier I am with my fashion choices.)

(This is my latest weight loss progress! The first photo was taken in March, the 2nd was taken Yesterday July 14th. Oh and clearly I am still “working on” my subtlety… sloth leggings!??? Yes please!!!)

So I fell down… but I got back up and everything was fine…. just like when I was a kid. I’ll dust myself off and it will all work out.

Weight Loss

It’s just a number, but today it’s so much more!

Just when you thought that the most exciting thing to happened today would be the Royal Wedding… which let’s face it was awesome!! It’s going to be hard to beat that, but I’ll try…

Today, like every other day I stepped on the scale. But unlike most of the days before it- at least the days I can remember without straining the number displayed started with a 2 instead of a 3!

Now, this is terrifying to put out there. Far scarier than any of the stuff I write here about infertility as it were! I don’t like sharing my actual weight or how heavy I’ve let myself get- it’s humiliating and always has been. However, I think it’s part of the healing process I suddenly I feel compelled to shout this from the rooftops!!!!

This number doesn’t REALLY mean anything. It doesn’t define me, it’s not who I am, it’s temporary – but today it means some stuff.

It means I’ve lost 51 pounds y’all!!

It means I can do things that are really difficult!

It means I can go on the zip line in Vegas!

It means that I found something FINALLY that works.

It means that hard work can lead you to places you once thought you could not go.

It means that things CAN HAPPEN!

It means sometimes even if you don’t believe it, you can still do it!!!

It means that this could work… perhaps THIS will be the key to unlocking the future I so desperately desire!?

It means I gotta set some more goals to smash!

THIS fees pretty great.

For the next phase…. my personal goal is 40 pounds, I’ve wanted to try the indoor skydiving place near my work and that’s their weight limit. The virtual sky’s the limit man!!

Thanks to all for sharing and supporting this journey!

AngelMom, Weight Loss

Kisses from Heaven

So I’ve been sprinkling in workouts to my routine now that I’m past all the diet transitioning on my current program. One thing I do is try to jog/walk on my lunch break. I figure I only have a few of those lunch time jogs left before it gets so hot here that your face melts off!!!

Today, I set a goal to jog 1 whole lap around the building without slowing to walk. I almost made it all the way yesterday so I wanted to see how far I could push it if I made that my goal. I did it!!! That success felt great! (Difficult but great!)

I was feeling really empowered. Focusing on saying really nice things to myself during my run like:

  1. Look how strong you are!
  2. This is something you could not do when you started!
  3. Look how far you’ve come!
  4. You’re such a badass!
  5. You’re going to be such a great mom someday (and here’s where it gets squirrely)
  6. I bet Karate is proud of you, wherever he is
  7. You’re making every choice you can to make sure you never have to send anymore babies to heaven…..

And then I looked up…. and saw this.

Anyone that knows me well, knows my grandma always had this funny thing where she’d say “X’s in the sky are kisses from your loved ones in heaven”. I always laughed at her, until she passed away and now I always think of her when I see them.

At that moment though… my heart sank and I knew that particular X came from my baby in heaven.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cried through the rest of the run. I struggled to put one foot in front of the other and that was the end of any goal crushing I may have had planned for this run. New goal— Complete my 30 minutes and not make eye contact with anyone in the parking lot passing by.

It’s been a minute since I had an emotional outburst, in general, and about my loss. I truly feel like I have been healing and feeling much better about everything. But in that moment, everything I’ve ever felt about it caught up to me and hit me out of nowhere.

It’s important to feel through those feelings– and keep saying those nice things. I’m never going to be “over” what happened. I think about it every day. Maybe someday I won’t… but for today I’m breathing and feeling through the sensation of loss, longing, transitioning, growing, and yes… knowing I’m doing everything I can to create the best future I can have!

TTC

Clear Blur

Yes, things are clear and I am somewhat blue. 

I mean, I am and I’m not. I predicted these results. They certainly make sense at least, unlike so many other times where we went to hell and back and everything seemed SO CERTAIN only to get this brand of result. 

This time is a little different. 

Only having one round of troops into battle I knew going in that the odds were not ever in my favor here, but along with everyone else my stupid brain reminds me about the age old adage that “it only takes one” … and I still held out some secret hope that this could actually happen to us. I attempted the double reverse fake out jinx tactic where I tempt fate to prove me wrong by giving me what I actually want!! Fate apparently, is on to the double jinx.

So I’ve been trying to strategize my next move. Are we still on treatment break? Do we try naturally? Do we take a month completely off? What?…. Let’s check the old calendar and see what’s up? Now, if Aunt Flo shows up in the next day or two like she’s supposed to that’ll park my next fertile window…. aw crap. 

Amazing hubby landed an awesome new job this week! It’s been part of the reason that last cycle was so unimpressive. It really is difficult to “try” to get pregnant when you have many other things going on, and I get that. Being that we had already declared a bit of a break I didn’t force the issue like I normally would. FERTILITY OVER EVERYTHING is usually my stance, but this month I just kinda let it happen- or not in this case which is fine. It was very much worth it! I’m so excited for this new opportunity for hubby, it’s so nice to see him happy about something again.

New job starts November 1st and the first day wil be served in San Francisco smack dab in the middle of fertile window. Shit. The entire window he will be gone. There’s no acceptable scenario where I piggyback and go along on the trip- even if I could swing it logistically how awful for him would that be to be starting a new job, meeting people at headquarters and also having to be on call for doin’ it??? Yah no… the answer to my query has now been revealed. 

Here’s the thing. 

It’s not ideal. Sure. It’s not part what I want certainly, but at this point I can look at this and MAKE it the plan for this cycle. I can deal with any awful thing, if it’s part of the plan. It’s the unexpected curveballs, and left field nonsense that derails my lovely plans and expectations that really make my head spin. So, for at least the immediate now – this month we’re off. 
We are REALLY off. 

For the first time in almost a decade I won’t have to worry about any of this. I won’t have to try to fake out my lady parts or the universe. I won’t have to remind myself to have hope- cause it only takes one. No charting, forced intimacy, symptom spotting, no driving myself crazy and NO nonsense.
It’s going to be a good month for distraction, which I should have plenty of thankfully, but it will not break me to really BE on break. 

  • Cycle Day: 34
  • Tests: 1 ⛔️
  • Mental State: Sure, whatever.