Tag: IUI

AngelMom, TTC

The will to believe

Confessions of an Angel Mom
  • Cycle Day: 13
  • Days to fertile window: Brace Yourself…..
  • Mental State: Clear, hopeful

I did some decluttering at work today. Just trying to make my outward self match up with my inward one. Cleaning out junk that doesn’t belong. Trying my best to think thoughts independent of infertility and just enjoy whatever is going on RIGHT NOW.

I was relishing this rare moment of clarity, and just as quickly as it began I was jolted back to reality when I stumbled on something that whipped me around and stopped me in my Fung Shui tracks, cold.

It’s been nearly a year since I started treatments with my current specialist. Through each cycle, I buried myself in positive thoughts. Not that I was actually feeling positive or enlightened during this time, but I felt like I could trick myself into feeling that way and it would be better for me and ultimately help me conceive. Not sure exactly where the notion came from, but I was committed to it. Sure, there were times where I couldn’t be fooled and things were just shitty…. but my whole plan was to psyche myself out and end up really believing by accident.

A big part of this plan was written affirmations I left for myself at work. My way to sort of a Jedi Mind Trick myself…. (yes I’m a huge Star Wars geek— and this is only 1 of of the things that makes me awesome). I changed them periodically, always written on a big sticky note and placed on my computer screen. I never cared who saw it or what it would mean if they did. It was my way to own my feelings, the choice to “try” and to remain positive! Also, as a bonus side effect it made me feel like I had a smidge of control- which I desperately needed.

When I lost my baby in December, I was out for about 3 weeks to recover. I came back to work still broken, still teary eyed, still sad… and the first thing I saw was my yellow sticky note….. I shattered.

I was not the same girl that wrote this note.

I felt so betrayed, those words mocked my very existence. Before the tears could spring out, I grabbed the note and shoved it in my drawer under a bunch of nonsense with a dozen others just like it never to be seen or thought of again… until today.


I found my personal affirmation hope chest. Every time I turned something over in that drawer I would find another one!! Sheesh Past Me– how much positivity does one really even need?!??

Reading though them, was reminded of a girl that truly wanted to believe that it was all just a case of mind over matter. Believe these wonderful things, and they will be real. In my heart, I do still believe… I felt my body relax and I felt happy. Perhaps my mind trick worked? Clearly I knew then that I was capable of believing again. After all I only stashed the notes. I could have easily thrown them in the trash, but I tucked them away beneath everything else somehow knowing I would need and want those positive words again eventually. Feeling a well of hope bubble up inside, I picked one out of the crowd and proudly displayed it on my screen… it feels good to believe. It feels familiar, and warm.

In the end… we are all just looking for something to believe in. It worked for me once, and it will work again!

Also… it’s clear I owe my work a pack of sticky notes…. 😳

TTC

 A tale from our first IUI

Confessions of an Angel Mom

June 3, 2017


First of all look at us??? Aren’t we adorable!!?? Oh us!? Currently, we have completed 5 IUI cycles and I tell you every single one is a little different! 

Our first IUI was right around my birthday (August 2016) so I had all this cosmic false hope that obviously the “Universe” wanted this to happen??? (Well yah no the Universe had other plans but whatever).

Our first crack at IUI was basically just a practice run. I really really really expensive fucking practice run.

There were a lot of things wrong on paper with that cycle. We had only begun our relationship wish Dr Shane, my fertility doc. We didn’t know what to expect from my ovaries, but were hopeful that they’d at least give us one folicle. I’ve always had unpredictable cycles, and my weight always seems to be a factor though Dr Shane has never made my weight an issue, which is so refreshing! 

We decided on a modest plan of 5m Femara for 5 days to help kick start the growth of folicles and see where that gets us. Took a while, but did manage to yield one viable folicle and a 2nd that looked like it could also trigger, so away we went. I mean, it was a fairly normal, but not terribly impressive cycle . It was our first try, it was satisfactory. 

All of this was so NEW and foreign to me. There are SO MANY pieces to juggle and everything must be done at a precise time– and it only gets more and more complicated! I know now that we had it easy that cycle!! No HMG shots, 1 trigger shot and I think I only had 3 ultrasound check ups before we were ready to go to IUI.

Even with a pretty low level cycle it’s easy to miss or delay a step which then throws everything off — especially because while this was my first time with all of this, the doctors and nurses basically expect that you know what you’re doing and don’t really explain half this shit!! I wound up googling literally EVERYTHING. I watched YouTube videos, some girls actually filmed their experiences in office, some had lost babies and I remember thinking I just don’t know that I could handle that!!! After everything??? To lose he baby after all this would be devastating??? (And…. yah… it is.)

You’d think with additional googling and obsessing I would have actually done things right– NOPE! I read our IUI instruction schedule wrong and ended up doing the trigger shot at the wrong time. Was supposed to do it at 5pm on Tuesday and ended up doing it at 8am Wednesday -the day before IUI which was way too late…. Even still, I figured we still had a better chance than usual so I just went along with it. 

This was my first experience with injections, the only shot that cycle was a trigger shot to spark ovulation. I’ve never had to prepare and take an injection?! I was a wreck!! I was literally shaking and fumbling with all the pieces and different needles that come with it. I felt like I was trying to disarm an explosive— “Red needle or blue one!??? I can’t remember what the nurse said!!!!! Ahhhhh!”

Based on my (misread) instructions this shot had to take place while I was at work. Luickly I had a coworker who excitedly agreed to stab me in the butt with a needle. Though I think once she actually SAW the size of the needle she immediately regretted her decision to volunteer! 

We made our way to the ladies room, which at 8 am was all a flutter with ladies fixing their hair and getting ready for the day. Meanwhile, I’m awkwardly trying to prepare this injection while they walk by and wonder “What’s up with the crazy girl with needles”. A few nosy onlookers stopped to inquire and interview me… Lovely,  fielding questions from random passers by about my fertility, fantastic. #mortified

Finally we were ready. We retreated to the handicapped stall where she plunged the giant needle in and we both giggled and squealed… how terribly odd. I am lucky however, to have some friends willing to fall head first down this rabbit hole with me! 

That first cycle obviously tanked, but onward and upward. All you can do is learn, absorb and press on!!!

TTC

Roller coaster does not quite cover it. 

Confessions of an Angel Mom

May 22, 2017

Roller coaster does not quite cover it.

I feel like, my emotional state is a moment to moment thing. One second I can be totally calm and certain that I am totally going to be pregnant this cycle…. then I blink and all of a sudden a tidal wave sweeps over me and I’m suffocating in thoughts of fear, doubt… and anxiousness.

Any signal I get from my body could mean I’m pregnant– or it could mean my period is eminent!!! It’s soooo fucked up!!!!! I have no clue what to think. I want to remain positive but I want to prepare my heart!!! I’m so torn!

You know it’s bad when you are afraid to go to the bathroom for fear you will find what you already expect that the liner you put down just in case is now no longer a preventive measure. 

Wanting to find out, but knowing I’m not ready for the results because it means there’s a 50/50 chance that it’s over. I’m not ready to give up! I still want to fight!! I want to punch and kick and scream and claw as tears run down my face — because I’m not done yet!!!!!

I want this baby! This life!!! This chance!!!!!! I need this chance to prove I WILL be a good mother. To see what our kid would be like?!?! Please!!!!!!!!

I don’t know how else to fight… I tried with everything I had this month! Every time I had to do something hard, or painful I’d tell myself “it will all be worth it”….. but now sitting here thinking my period is coming I have to wonder….will it!???? I’m so tired and beaten down. What else can I do but plead and beg to a God I’m not even sure can hear me… please!!!! Please don’t take this chance away!!!!

Please.

AngelMom, TTC

IUI cycle #5

Confessions of an Angel Mom

So, I know you guys might be wondering… cycle #5 IUI was a big fat negative.

I actually started my period on the plane ride up to Washington for my little sisters wedding. “Luckily” I had been so emotional the two days prior that I think I cried all possible tears available and by the time I got to Washington I was completely void of any emotion.

I still kind of am… I pretty much feel nothing. I can’t believe that after everything we did last month, and how great the cycle was on paper that it just didn’t take. More money down the drain, more torture on myself that basically does me no good in present day. And, due to the timing and being out of town we are on the bench as far as treatments are concerned this current cycle. We can still try naturally- and we will- it just makes me really bitter and angry that the last cycle didn’t work because I really did lay it all out, placed every last hope I had in it only to realize I have to scoop up all my broken hopes, dreams, fears and insecurities and do it all again.

I spent a good deal of time with my niece and nephew and squeezed and hugged on them when I was in Washington which was a blessing… but also just makes it hurt so much seeing how natural it is to me to be around children… but all the while I am struggling to keep fighting the good fight to have my own. MY OWN… not adopt, surrogate, foster or any other solution someone might suggest to me in passing thinking that will fix my desire to become pregnant and carry a child of my own. These are all fine ideas and I know they come from only the best place of wanting to lessen the pain I feel…. but some wounds cannot be bandaged.

For now, I’m trying to find a way to push forward in spite of feeling like I’ve failed… again. Trying to figure out how to just be happy with all the many blessings we already have, and make sure my marriage stays strong despite constantly running it through the gauntlet every time we sign up to go through this again!

#nevergiveup

AngelMom, TTC

Could it be

Confessions of an Angel Mom

This excerpt was written about two months ago. It’s fitting and appropriate to share now because I’m in the middle of the “two week wait” to find out if our last cycle is going to take or not. Again, keep in mind this is something I wrote a while ago. I don’t want my readers to worry about how dark my writing has been. I know it’s hard to read, but it’s important to know that this is part of the process and I’m doing well. Getting this all out in the open is helping me heal. 

March 14, 2017

Could it be?

The shittiest question I have to ask myself over and over again.

Trying to get pregnant is not “fun”. At least for me it’s not. It’s meant nothing but fear, frustration, doubt, and worry. We have been trying to have a baby for…. ever??! At least it seems that way. I’ve been ready to start our family since we got married – (2006) I mean looking back I wasn’t “ready ready” until the last few (we’ll say 5) years. And we’ve been blessed to find a great doctor last year that might actually get us to the finish line. But I digress….

Could it be? Is it finally here!?!? The shittiest god damn mind fuck of my 30 something life. Each cycle, at the end of the dreaded two week wait comes that magical time where every single thing my body does is super apparent to me, and is also a possible sign of early pregnancy. So fuck me right!??

Every cycle, around mid month I get to play the mental game of “is this finally it”!!!! And all but once, it never is. Currently, my period is two days late…. I’ve taken a total of 3 home pregnancy tests and they all of course say 🖕🏼⛔️🚽 . So what’s a girl to do??

I know that likely, any minute there’s going to be a crime scene in my pants… and in my brain. As soon as my period arrives in whatever anti-graceful fashion it decides, my [rational] brain clicks off and the NutsbergerCrazyTown portion of my brain takes charge and proceeds to fill my head up with all the things I’ve ever failed at complete with slow motion playback of all of my friends who have happy healthy babies and pregnancies and at that point every fiber in my body just wants me to give up. Just fucking give up…

But how???

Seriously!? This isn’t something I’m capable of giving up on. I don’t even know HOW!??! Especially now that I know it’s POSSIBLE!?? Granted, now I’m missing a part (right filopian tube) that I wasn’t missing before but…. cmon??? I mean there HAS TO BE HOPE HERE!? So…. could this be it??? Is it finally my turn?? Stay tuned….. 📻⏰🙄

AngelMom

Feel the way you feel.

Confessions of an Angel Mom

April 14, 2017


So, one of the worst things I’ve experienced in losing a child has been the feeling of shame and suppression.

I lost my baby. In the most brutal and heartbreaking fashion. A baby that I’ve dreamed of, and worked so hard for! It’s not fair!!! Those words ring in my ears, daily. It is not fair.
I can recall the day of our ultrasound and not unlike anyone who’s experienced it I recall the news hitting me in the chest like a gunshot. Following the news, the doctor kept talking. I can’t tell you exactly what he said because I was frozen.  All I could hear and feel was a very sharp, loud feedback -like a guitar amp screaming through the air and muffling everything else that was happening around me.

Following that horrid day were several other equally awful days of which I can’t really recall but can never forget.

Fast Forward….
I’ve lost my child.
And the world in their infinite wisdom takes pleasure in telling me “at least”. At least is awful.
Would it be so bad to just let me feel broken? To let me feel sad? To let me be devastated???? These feelings are all difficult, but not as difficult as trying to suppress every feeling I have in order to convince everyone and myself that I’m OK. Maybe lm not. That doesn’t mean I won’t be ok some day. In the meantime, please just allow me to grieve and breathe without having to prove I’m something I’m not. Ok.

TTC

The New Normal

Confessions of an Angel Mom

November 9,2016

Infertility changes you. It changes every single thing about you, or at least it did me.

I’ve always been afraid of needles. Well needles are a bit of a thing when you’re doing infertility treatments. And you’re responsible for learning how to administer them yourself!?! WTF IM NOT A DOCTOR? I’m not even a highly skilled nurse? I’ve never even taken CPR– [I need to do that though. *Memo to me. ] and now here we are. Me and my beloved, nightly before our regularly scheduled mandatory doc ordered romp session having to deal with hormone injections.

It’s amazing what one can get used to. And what you can’t. That bitter sting of rejection and failure that comes with a negative pregnancy test never gets any easier and somehow it’s familiar and foreign all at the same time. It’s fresh pain and surprising grief every single time.

Fuck you infertility.

AngelMom, TTC

The girl I want to be.

Confessions of an Angel Mom

April 13, 2017

Reflecting on past tense. I want to be this girl. I want to be fierce, powerful and hopeful that this time things will be different. I want to feel pretty, comfortable, voluminous and confident. This time things will work out. This girl had faith, courage, fear and hope but balanced them all like spinning plates. This is the face of a girl that went on her lunch break to her fertility doctor to get knocked up. Oh the things we do. The things that can become “normal”. It was Halloween, I was dressed in my most fabulous 80s Material Girl garb, on my lunch break and I was on top of the world. I want to be her.

Present day me can only spin one plate at a time before everything crashes and breaks. I break. Present day me wants to shout when I struggle, struggle to share, struggle to smile – even just a simple smile to a stranger that says “hey I’m ok”, I struggle to quiet the angry, frustrated thoughts that have moved in like a stormfront.

I want desperately for you all to know. To understand that the pain of knowing I may never be this girl again is devastating.

It’s so unfair that this journey has not only taken away my child, but has also taken away basic parts of who I am…. and all of these losses are non-refundable.