Tag: IUI

AngelMom, TTC

Unconscious-Consious

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Sometimes… I can’t not think of you. Life is fantastic, and grand and going just swell and then all of a sudden it’s like a missed a step and I’m falling down a staircase. Can’t breathe, can’t think, the wind fully knocked out of my lungs, and I just sort of hang there for a spell.

I can’t not think of you.

Usually I can anticipate these low moments, maybe it’s because your birthday or your angel day are coming up-and it makes sense to me. Then there are times, like yesterday when I don’t see it coming and it’s devastating to realize too late in the game that you’re the reason why I’m feeling broken and unsettled.

Yesterday was Halloween, and I was busy planning my usual badass costume and a fun (but kind of boring/uneventful) holiday. I should have felt happy, and excited in my awesome costume, in this new bangin body… but I felt … pinned down, uptight and generally distressed by everything.

All day, I was anxious and aggravated by absolutely nothing! I tried to blame the SPANX (I mean, the jury is still out in that since I’d like to personally execute the demon spawn that invented them and made all of us ladies think we need them to be sexy!) and a host of other factors that normally would not bother me.

I went like this through the better part of the day, trying to catch myself being cantankerous and re-route, but as the day went on I felt increasingly overwhelmed and out of breath all the way to my soul so I excused myself for a late break to clear my head.

I wondered Target, and as I made my way to the checkout for a few random impulse items. I landed behind the cutest 2 year old who was laughing and smiling at me…. and at that moment… it clicked.

Halloween, is an earmarked day too and I’d neglected it. It’s not as big as a birthday or an angel day, but 2 years ago I was having the IUI that would lead to your loss…. and somewhere inside I felt that, and was not processing it. Meanwhile my whole body, mind and soul were at war over it. All at once I was devastated and relieved at the same time.

I keep thinking at some point it won’t hurt so much, that I won’t be sad every time a see a kid that is near your age, or when someone else gets pregnant and I don’t. I keep thinking at some point I won’t feel jealous and snarky at someone else’s happiness, but it’s real. That is real to me, jealousy and pain. It’s not every day… but it’s there, lurking in the dark corners of my mind….somewhere behind my smile waiting to bubble over without notice.

Acknowledging it feels better, more real and honest than trying to plaster on a fake smile. Sometimes the world doesn’t really have time to pause for your emotional turmoil. All I know is when I finally let go, gave those feelings a hug and told myself it was ok everything was exponentially better.

So, I guess the moral is:

  • It’s ok to feel stuff.
  • It’s not ok to torture yourself for having said feelings.
  • Listen … anxiety can be quiet or it can be loud, but either way there’s probably an underlying message trying to come through
  • Be nice to everyone, you never know what sort of emotional warfare is happening beyond your line of sight.
    It’s ok to be under construction.

TTC

Jenga!!!

Confessions of an Angel Mom

You’re going along, everything is fine. You’re even amazed by yourself. Look at how cool (figuratively of course I’m a veritable hot flash swamp monster right now IRL) and collected you’ve held yourself during this two week wait. It’s almost over, you’re confident and so so sure it finally worked this time!!

Then something happens, or maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s just as simple as you breathed wrong and all of a sudden….. JENGA!!!!!! Alllllllll those emotions you’d secretly stashed so you could live your most positive and hopeful life are CRASHING DOWN —EVERYWHERE. Coming out of every hole in your face! Flying at your poor husband… who kindly reminds you to breath because you’ve neglected to do so. [true story]

The verdict is still out for me on this cycle, I’m running out the clock over here hoping that allll this emotional chaos MEANS something good but the terror and panic that it won’t has somehow found me through all the lovely walls and barricades that I’ve made to keep them out.

The good news, if there is some – is that if my emotions are anything like actual Jenga it all cleans up and restores pretty seamlessly. This moment of turmoil is temporary. I can reassemble it all and the world will all be ok. I’m trying to imagine my world in three by three sections perfectly laid out so that things feel less muddled.

Doing my best to self care by staying in my cocoon today, mediating, sleeping, breathing- of course breathing, and just hoping and praying that I’m still in this and my rainbow is just a heartbeat away!

TTC

Only hope….

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Sometimes I like to sit alone in my house just listening to the clocks tick away the time. The heartbeat of his home we’ve built. I imagine how much it will change when we finally get our wish and it’s taken over by the rumble of clomping tiny feet, screaming, crying, pooping and all the other ear splitting sounds that come along with parenthood….

I hope when that happens I’ll be able to think back and appreciate these silent moments, but not yearn for them. I hope that I never lose sight of how badly we want all of this. I think of that often. As I watch others with their children… they’re tired and they’re weary of wiping butts and boogers, of settling sibling disputes, of everything being sticky and smelly… of never getting enough sleep and catching every illness their kid brings home from school… and honestly I sit on my hands and can’t WAIT to sign up!! I’m sure it’ll all catch up to me some day, but for now I couldn’t be more ready to pledge the sacred Fraternity of Parenthood!

As I listen patiently to the tic tock… thump thump thump of my clock collection I imagine that it’s the sound of my baby’s heartbeat. I know it’s way too early to actually be the case….but something inside feels different this time. It may be in my head, or a side effect of the hormones, but I swear I can feel … something.

Apart from twinges, I’ve been feeling mostly positive; however occasionally I can feel the conflict inside… reminding me of the awful things that have happened in the past and how real the possibly is that they could happen again. When I feel those thoughts bubble to the surface it’s difficult to remember I’m in control of them, and I have the power to banish them. I catch myself just holding my breath and staying completely still so that I don’t mess anything up — but it’s time to breathe! Breathe and believe, that it feels different this time because IT IS…

There’s no room for doubt and fear right now… only hope…

TTC

Hope is like the sun….

Confessions of an Angel Mom

The BIG day! IUI day!! Long awaited– cycle day 19! 83 long days of waiting if you count back to my last period!! Though much longer than I originally intended, this break in treatments has really been good for us. We had our heads so wrapped up in this fertility business taking a step back allowed things to feel new again. Not just a constant drain punishing down on us.

The blood work, hormones, ultrasounds and injections were as difficult and dreadful as they always are, but it all seemed somewhat tolerable to me this time. Granted, it wears on you. I came home today after a long long day and collapsed into my bed for an hour. I just couldn’t propel myself any further without first taking a beat to just unhinge!

Swallowing a deep breath and exhaling the day, I felt happy… accomplished and excited for what might be on the horizon. I may have to do all of this again… and that reality is a little daunting, but in as little as 18 days I might get to feel what’s its like to be pregnant again and this time, we pray that it STICKS!!

In the grand tradition of documenting the wonderful world of fertility– here are today’s photos of my journey!

My lucky charms. Tinkerbell from Dawson to add a little bit of pixie dust luck! My Granny’s wedding ring pendant, I always feel lucky when I wear it, and happy to take her with me through this. My open heart angel, that Dawson gave me for Christmas “from Karate”. I gripped them tight while I lay there the prescribed 15 minutes with my legs propped up… and many times throughout the day. Saying silent prayers hoping that this time will be different!!

the alarm I set to remind me to leave work for my IUI. ✨🤞🏼✨

Just a girl… who hopes to have gotten knocked up on her lunch break.

My awesome IUI day socks! A great friend and comrade in fertility got me a pack of awesome Disney socks to wear for my ultrasounds and IUI… I highly recommend. Not only do your toes get cold hangin in those stirrups but they’re fun… and fabulous… and certainly lucky!

At the close of this day, I’m really thankful to be given the chance to TRY again… for so long things felt so dark and suffocating. Now I feel like the lessons have been learned, hope is restored, and just maybe… things are going to work out! Even if they don’t…it’s another opportunity to learn some shit, and try again! We must press on, we must keep the faith, and we must keep the dream alive– lessons we hope to teach our kid some day!

Stats

  • Insemination -Cycle day 19
  • 5 days of Femara oral hormones
  • 11 days of injections
  • 2 dominant follicles, 2 backups
  • 6 ultrasounds
TTC

Lucky Number 7

Confessions of an Angel Mom

We’re doing this! Gearing up for our “lucky” number 7th IUI Cycle. I was ready to start up treatments again about three months ago, but due to scheduling and then waiting for my lady bits to get the memo we are finally on track again! Finally after a 64 day long cycle I am ready to go!!!

Since we began treatments in 2016 we’ve completed 6 IUI cycles. I like to take photos of myself on IUI day, to look back on and remember what state I was in on any given cycle. I love these photos, I like to believe I look the most pretty when I’m ovulating- it’s a very primal thing and going into this, our 7th IUI I gotta believe we are just 1 cycle away from making our dreams come true!!!

Lately,I’ve had difficulty reconciling my feelings and getting myself on board with the COST of all this. I’ve even found myself trying to find ways to skim off parts of the available treatments to save money. The last 3 cycles have run from $2000-2500 due to increased dose of injectables. Ouch, literal and figurative there!

It’s hard for me to watch others accidentally get pregnant while we throw all of our money at my fertility doctor in hopes that one of these times it will work, and STICK! Now, I do realize everyone’s plans have NOTHING TO DO with me… but it still hurts beyond measure sitting on the sidelines as I watch and cheer for everyone else.

After so long of this, the stress, the money, the emotional hurt— we needed a break, and so did our pocket book. We took a few months off and instead took trips together, talked about our focus, plans, held each other tight and remembered what it was like to not have our entire lives spinning on a hot plate- a hot plate called infertility.

So here we are now, at the starting line again. Blood work, ultrasounds oral hormones, and today the start of injectable hormones that will hopefully generate some good eggs for our IUI in a week or so (depending on growth, my cycles tend to run a little long).

The reality is, this is what WE have to do, to make our dream of adding a child to our family. This is what it looks like for us. It’s hard, it’s emotional, and it’s expensive… and it “is what it is”. I believe that this will work!!! I have to.

I believe our baby is on the way. Our baby is hurrying as fast as possible to find us. 2018, my hopes rest on you!

  • Cycle Day: 10
  • Treatments ongoing: 2 follicle scans
  • Preliminary blood work,
  • Femara 7.5mg/days 3-8
  • 3 viles HMG injectable daily
  • Mental State: Cautiously Optimistic
TTC

Rest, Repair and Rebuild

Confessions of an Angel Mom


Today, is Cycle day One… and I hardly have words for it. There were lots of signs, symptoms, and it felt like the world was finally set right and things were aligning perfectly just for me!! So for my AF to show up today just seems a bit cruel and unfair.

We failed….

And there’s no explanation, no refunds, no redemption.

It’s a bit of a gut punch. Coming off the high of a wonderful vacation with my love, with the hope that later this week I would finally get my BFP (big fat positive)… only to begin my period a few days early is a hard pill to swallow.

I’m doing my best to remain positive. It’s easy to be grateful, I know how very lucky I am to have this awesome life, as well as a caring and considerate parter to hold my hand through it all. But I can’t explain away the hurt, disappointment, and numbness that comes with such repetitive failure after trying as hard as we do.

Dreams sometimes take their time coming true. Sometimes your heart gets broken… and you have to Rest, Repair and Rebuild. Never Give Up.

For now… the only cure for this broken heart is Star Wars, chocolate, and a nap!

AngelMom, TTC

A girl with a secret

Confessions of an Angel Mom
  • Cycle Day: 15
  • Treatments: 3 follicle scans to check egg growth process, IUI scheduled for this week!!
  • Meds: 225 IU HMG (7 total), HCG injection to trigger ovulation
  • Mental State: Calm, Ready.


This photo was take last November, right after I found out I was pregnant. Weeks before it was all ruined by an ectopic pregnancy resulting in emergency surgery, losing my baby as well as a Fallopian tube.

At that moment though, I felt so mischievous knowing such an important amazing thing… that I could share with no one…..

Oh who am I kidding. We were bursting at the seems!!!! We didn’t tell everyone– but we did blab our big news to a handful of people. Mostly people we’d been sharing or struggles with. Infertility and treatments are so isolating– all you want is for people to understand what you’re going through and to feel valid and supported in your choices it was so nice to finally have something GOOD to share with those people!!!

We decided not to tell our parents, not yet anyway. We had already sort of planned to get both my husband’s parents here for Christmas and I knew it wouldn’t be TOOOO hard to get my mom here so we’d wait until Christmas to put together some magical way of telling all of our parents at the same time.

Along the way, there were a few people who were surprised at our decision to share so early on “oh it’s too early!! You should wait til after the first trimester” WHY I thought!!??? It did not even occur to me that early loss could be our reality all I knew was that THIS WAS IT…..

And then it wasn’t.

If someone shares with you that they’re pregnant please don’t question why they’ve told you– at whatever point. They’ll probably spend the rest of their lives thinking they jinxed it…. because that’s what you’re saying.

Plus, if the unspeakable should happen— it’s your job to be there for that. In whatever capacity they need you to be.

I wonder daily if I jinxed my baby… and I wonder when I get pregnant (because I will!!) — if I will jinx it again!? I doubt I’ll keep my pregnancy super secret in the future because throughout this journey I have found such comfort in sharing the experiences and growing a cheering squad that would make any sports team green with envious rage— and why wouldn’t I share the good stuff too!!! That, and also because I need support. I need people in my corner. Celebrating, and praying and sending all those good vibes into the world! Live in this world with me, please.

Please recognize that If someone shares their life with you, they’ve picked this time and this place to be truthful, even if it hurts. Even if it doesn’t turn out like it should. Please don’t judge people for craving that connection and letting you in.

For now, we are going into the following week with our insemination scheduled, hoping, praying, and willing for this time to be IT!! I don’t know when I will feel open to sharing more news, but when that time comes I trust you will be there….

TTC

Liquid Luck!

Confessions of an Angel Mom
  • Cycle Day 9
  • Treatment: Sonohystogram – YOUCH!! 
  • Treatment: Follicle Scan- 3 measuring 12-14 
  • Medications: 225 IU HMG injection 
  • Mental State: Relieved, Excited

We just recently re-binged the Harry Potter series and I swear, for this day you would have thought that I’d been chugging some Liquid Luck serum!! Expelliamus Infertility!! 

I had a big day at the ‘ol fertility clinic, one I’d been dreading in fact. I agreed to have a very expensive and painful scan done today to make sure that my baby factory didn’t have any defects that might be preventing Little Baby Loudon from setting up shop.

I’ve had this test done before so I was very aware just how painful it is. In 2014 I had several polyps removed from my uterus and this scan was to make sure they have not grown back— and Hallelujah thank you Baby Jesus they have not!!!!

In anticipation of a good clean report my doc had already started hormones so that if we got the green light we’d be right on track to continue on to IUI- which we are!

He did a scan of not only my super awesome free of polyps uterus, but also checked in on both ovaries which are busy making follicles (pre embryos) which when big enough will be triggered by injection to all ovulate giving us as many chances as (responsibly) possible for us to conceive on this cycle!!

Tonight also marks the start of injections, and that went great too!! Thanks to hubby who’s become quite skilled at stabbing me in the booty with a large needle! Joy!!

That’s all I’ve got for tonight.

For this day in my life, things went according to plan and it doesn’t get better than that!!
fingers crossed everyone

🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

AngelMom, TTC

New Cycle Feels!

Confessions of an Angel Mom
  • Cycle Days: 2 & 3
  • Treatments: 1st Ultrasound, Initial Blood work,  75mg Femara
  • Mental State: Day 2: Nervous, Day 3, I got this. 


This is me… taking a breath before going into my Cycle Day 2 ultrasound. This is me making a choice, opening up my head and heart to a new possibility. A possibility to realize my dreams… or to have them puréed…. which will it be???? Have to wait and see!!!

(And PS I don’t even wanna hear it about my stupid filter. I love it, I’m adorable, it’s my thing, get over it haters!!!! Hahaha) 

I’m super nervous as I turn the handle and push open the heavy wooden door, it loudly creaks open. The first step down into this rabbit hole. One I’ve fallen down a number of times, yet each time it’s a new an foreign sensation. My stomach and head are spinning… wondering what kind of news I’ll get… as we shake the magic 8 ball that is my vagina.

The seating in the waiting room gives me almost as much anxiety as the appointment I’m there for. Pompous dark fluffy couches that are basically a foot off the ground… I know with 100% certainly that I will not look graceful when I try to remove myself from it. They wait the perfect amount of time to call my name… not long enough for me to stress spiral, but just long enough for my ass to have made an everlasting bond …. and with that it’s time to hoist myself up and out of the fluffy trap I’ve been bamboozled into. Oh the life of an awkward girl…you can take this moment to picture it, and laugh- it’s cool. Go ahead!

This appointment signifies one year of treatments. Which is disappointing, but also helpful in that we now have whole year’s worth of measurable data. Data to analyze, compare, and obsess over. This data will help us come up with the best plan! Plans are good…. there are a few different scenarios that could come to pass, and I’m grateful for the facts, the honesty and the options I have to choose from. Choices are good. Data is good. The hope and promise of a possibility… is good.

And then we cut to today…

Blood work for the upcoming cycle, which is basically a rework of the original blood work because we’re now a year in we need to … you guessed it analyze and review!
I am typically a “hard stick” at the ol blood bank. Meaning all the phlebotomist see me coming and run for cover. They take turns drawing straws… which is a total waste of time – but I’ll get to that!
My favorite phlebotomist Sean is there and I’m happy. Many many times he’s saved the day and got my blood when no one could…. but today…. might Sean has struck out!!!

I need to fill up 7 vials… he tries and manages to get some blood, but it’s not enough and we end up wasting what he did pull because it clotted up and was no good. He tries two more time, with similar failing results. Next!!!

I go through every single technician in the joint! All 5 literally took a stab at me in order to kind of fill the 7 more vials needed! 5 techs, 8 puncture wounds to remember them by, 7.5 vials filled-ish, 2 and a half hours spent with my “friends” at Sonora Quest…. Normally this sort of thing would really take the wind out of my sails. Normally I would be broken and beaten down. Believe me — it was no cup of tea — and given the option I would certainly pass…. but today, I can’t be phased. Steps in the right direction and that’s all I can ask for!
Ouch!!

But as it always is…. our kid would be worth all of this and so much more! 
✨🤞🏼✨

**update**

One week later and the bruises are still there but hopefully leaving soon!!! So lovely! 

AngelMom, TTC

Karate James

Confessions of an Angel Mom
  • Cycle Day: 29
  • Status: Two Week Wait in full effect
  • Mental State: Hopeful

I’ve never really told the story of Karate James…. I figure now is a good time. Since, some day around this time he would have been born.

It was our third attempt at IUI. I was several days late and had already tested negative a few days prior. Feeling some symptoms, I reluctantly bought a “good” pregnancy test – anyone TTC knows there are good ones, and the ones you buy in bulk cause who can afford the “good” ones at the rate we blow through them! I sat there staring at the digital hour glass waiting expectantly for “not pregnant” to appear like it always does… bitter and annoyed that obviously any minute it would pop up and ruin my day…. and then all of a sudden…. the greatest word appeared, “pregnant”. “What!?!?” I audibly asked this thing I just peed on… “WHAT!???”

We’ve always joked and never quite been in agreement about what we’d name our kid some day. At times there were names we both could agree not to hate. In the end we figured that was a problem for “Future Us” to solve so we never really negotiated to completion on the subject. One thing I knew, was that our kid would need a really awesome name…

While watching the Olympic summer games there was an athlete named Karani James. Except, every time the announcer called his name it sounded like Karate. We both laughed and agreed that’d be a badass name for a kid. We’d never actually do that of course… would we??? No of course not that would be ridiculous……

I swear, the minute we knew I was pregnant, even though we didn’t know the baby’s sex we started calling our kid Karate. It was the perfect name for our “pre-kid”. Karate, was obviously awesome and James is my husbands middle name so we’ve covered our basis there with some tradition– BAM!? Perfect!  I mean sure, we’d come up with a real, suitable name for him in the next several months, but for now —Karate James was all that mattered.

I got to hold Karate for a grand total of 8 weeks. Thanks to a troubling ultrasound at 5 weeks, half of that time was spent worried that it would all end. Wondering if it was ever even real. And knowing that as fast as it all began it would soon be over. I did consciously decide to enjoy how much time I was granted, but it was really tough being given an open end on something so precious. “Maybe this will work out – and maybe not”.

I have found out a lot about myself since I lost Karate. It’s ever unfolding and evolving, but I persist. In the pursuit of a family, I know in my gut we will have some day.

Every single day, I see something that reminds me of those 8 amazing weeks where I was a mom, and I’m desperate for that feeling again.

I went for a walk the other day, and a breeze kicked up and all around and I felt him there. I closed my eyes and let the wind blow my hair and face, and I felt a powerful peace sweep over me…. I’m thankful for moments like that. Times where I can connect with him somehow, and I feel him nudging my life forward.

For now, I cherish the miracle that we had to give back. Because, no matter the outcome he sure was a miracle. Happy Unbirthday Karate.