AngelMom, pregnancy

A dream within a dream

The other night I woke from a dead sleep. Bolted awake by the strangest and most heart wrenching dream. I have nightmares quite a bit, always have… sometimes hubby wakes me yelling and crying in my sleep, but this one my eyes just snapped open and I laid there frozen, trying to catch my breath.

In this dream… it had all been a dream.

Let me explain.

It was a very strange web of make believe. It started with a very pregnant me, being in a fatal car accident. When the impact struck, instead of waking up like I normally would during a car accident dream, it only lead me into another dream. Still peering in as it all played out, I watched myself wake up horrified to discover that thought of me being killed in a car accident wasn’t even the worst part. In the first layer I was pregnant, and the second I was not. Watching myself realize that and that gut punch feeling … it had all just been a dream…..

I woke unable to breathe and grabbed my big pregnant belly and immediately felt her, kicking and squirming as if to say “it’s ok Mom, I’m still here”… thank god. Thank god for her!

I laid in bed clutching on to my belly, feeling relieved and grateful and also sad for the old me. The me that had to wake up to dreams like that. Wondering what the heck my life would even look like if it wasn’t for her!?? She’s not even here yet and my whole universe already revolves around her. Waiting, and anticipating whatever the world will look like once she’s here!!!

Today, I am 28 weeks pregnant and entering my 3rd trimester!! The anxiety I felt in the early stages of pregnancy is shifting. Still there a bit but it’s muffled by excitement, and also by the list of things I need to accomplish in the next three months. Moments like this jolt me back into it and I’m forced to spend a lot of quiet time with my meditation app. Time for quiet. Time for deep breaths and gratefulness.

Countdown to HER continues. It’s more than a dream, it’s my dream and this time it’s real. She’s real.

pregnancy, TTC, Weight Loss

Sliding into a New Year

It usually takes me about a week to really figure out any New Year… between the last of the holiday commitments, chores, cleaning and resetting plus all the work holidays thrown in I literally can’t even find my feet until that first week of January is over.

This year is no exception, and it seems more scattered and chaotic than it normally is- perhaps cause there’s two of us here now trying to figure out the New Years grove??

I’ve felt very chemically edgy lately, which is new. I’ve seen some emotional spurts and a few random mood swings with pregnancy but honestly it’s been a pretty smooth road so far. Lately though, it’s been building…. Very small things, and even some unexpected large things have really thrown me emotionally and I’ve had quite a time sliding into the new year with all of that gurgling inside.

I’ve amped my meditation time up, at the urging of my heath advocate and like it always does (and I’m always skeptical somehow) it helped tremendously. I don’t know why I resist that tactic so much, maybe because it seems like something so simple like ones breathing and inner monologue shouldn’t be so powerful… but it totally is.

Today I woke with a clear head, and laced up my shoes for a treadmill session. I haven’t been completely absent with my fitness since I got pregnant, but between the holidays, feeling physically trained and now emotionally drained I just haven’t had it in me. It felt great. A little annoying how all that lovely stamina you build up when you’re in it goes away if you “fall off the wagon” but it was more about taking that time to reboot and just get a check mark on the day for me.

I don’t typically care for New Years Resolutions – usually because they’ve been the same for me for years! Lose Weight, and Get Pregnant…. And this year… well?? I did it right!? I’m probably always going to be one of those people who has to think about and constantly work toward keeping their weight in check, but at least I know how to do it now.

My main goal is just to be a good human. Be a good example of what I want my daughter to see in the world, and be better. Be better than I was the day before.

So far, today I’ve done that.

Typically in my life I care too much and devote too much energy into stuff that DOES NOT MATTER or serve me…. I’d like to do less of that…

While searching for an inspiring quote… I found this and it made me laugh out loud!! I mean aren’t most of us???? I relate to this so hard!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

TTC

The WHY I write…

Three years ago…. I wrote from a hospital bed. I wrote because I was broken. I wrote because I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t bare to keep it in anymore. I decided that to suffer silently wasn’t only too much for me to carry, but it’s not fair to every other woman, man, couple that struggles with infertility who feels like their voice doesn’t matter. That their struggle should be kept silent.

The first time I ever opened up about our struggle:

I truly don’t know why it feels like we should keep our struggles to ourselves. Maybe because a lot of it deals with sex? Your personal life? Being vulnerable? Expressing feelings, feelings of failure?? Not wanting to bring down the mood??

So many of us who have walked a difficult road- whether it’s infertility, cancer, depression, anxiety, whatever the case may be — I bet you know this feeling. We keep quiet for a variety of reasons — some real, some imposed upon us by society. I didn’t know then the impact my writing would have, I just knew I needed to get it out. These feelings, this fight was a toxin in my system and I needed it OUT!!!

I began to write publicly about our struggles with conception, and loss and have for the last 3 years. It is hard. Just going through it is hard. There is so much you just have to figure out by trial and error, by failure, and by hoping others are sharing their experiences so that you can learn from their pain and failure without having to put yourself through that too!!! That’s why. That’s why I write.

A lot of it is self serving, the whole getting the icky thoughts out thing is real. But, for me every time I read something relatable I feel less crazy and I wanted to be able to give a little bit of that back to others that may need that level of comfort too!

Today, the life I’m living seems more like a dream than a nightmare. I mean, don’t get me wrong, even in infertility there’s a lot to be proud of, thankful and excited about in my life – I designed it that way! Spending a whole year with a Disneyland Annual pass sure made that particular year of healing palatable! But it doesn’t negate the fact that a lot of those years were spent struggling, worrying, crying and just generally being frustrated that I was locked in a phase I couldn’t seem to escape. Sound familiar??? So many struggle with some THING that makes you feel like you can’t move forward!! It’s a horrible feeling.

Looking back on it all now, where the view is sweet… it just takes my breath away. All those times I hoped and prayed that it really would all be worth it … not knowing if it truly would…. that, that is the real nightmare. I feel lucky to have survived it all, and to be able to provide any kind of comfort, insight or hope to anyone else is the real service.

For anyone fighting.

I see you. I hear you, even if your voice is quiet. I say keep fighting!! And if you can– turn that volume up. Whatever you’re fighting, you’re not alone. Someone else is clawing against the same demons, and sees themselves in YOU I guarantee it….

pregnancy, TTC

Somebody Pinch Me

Lately life seems way too good to be true. I catch myself just looking around in wonderment, just stunned that this gets to be my life.

For so long, I split my time wishing, hoping and praying that this fate was possible… and trying to convince myself that I would be ok if it wasn’t. It’s a funny thing when your dreams come true.

Pregnancy is not easy, by any means – but mine??? I really don’t know how I got so lucky. The inconveniences I’ve experienced really don’t measure against the pain and discomfort I experienced getting here. Currently I’m 17 weeks, nearly half way and it’s a mix of excitement, fear, joy and amazement.

I’m constantly researching, asking questions, and wondering to myself how does anyone not just mess it all up!! I want so badly to be a good mom. I just hope that whatever preparation I take now will be enough to get me through all the things you CAN’T prepare for….. I’m sure it won’t, but a girl can dream, it’s worked before! πŸ˜‚

My first child, my dog Leo…. seems to be finally adjusting to all of this. It’s been a rough month for him and this bump and all the change it’s brought. Animals are very intuitive. When I first got pregnant, even before I knew he became extremely clingy. Then, right around the time we found out we were having a girl his entire demeanor changed!! (Guess he was hoping for a brother!!) He started acting out, being distant and just not really himself. As I said, a lot of change and who knows some sort of pheromone change maybe set him off. Lately though he’s starting to act a little more like himself. He’s even started this thing where he comes up to me, bonks my bump a few times then walks away… as if to say, “hi sis….just checking on you”. Melts my heart.

And this is life. Little moments like this. Moments I’ve only dreamt of. Every bump rub…. every time I see the faces of my husband, and our parents light up with absolute joy as they think about our little one…. every time I pause life and look up, and remember “I’m pregnant!!” …. it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.

I’m somehow grateful, grateful for those years of struggle and pain. Grateful for having lost something so precious that my eyes are fully opened and able to accept and appreciate the beautiful gift that I’ve been given. I’d never choose that life if I had seen it in a lineup, but I’m grateful to have lived through it so that I could experience this one…. be grateful friends!

TTC

Darling, you’re a shooting star!

I’ve been sitting out here for about a hour now. In my very own piece of the world… my quiet backyard. Feeling the wind ruffle through my hair and hands. Listening to the soundtrack of my life as played by the rustling trees….. I do this often.

I spend my time gazing up at the stars. Watching them, following them… and of course wishing on them. Light years away, I wonder if they’re looking down on me as I struggle and as I conquer…

A tear gleans down my cheek…. for almost no reason at all. It’s just so beautiful, and tragic … I plead up at them for a sign, any sign … close my eyes take a long deep breath with the current and feel a full stream of tears fall.

I open my eyes to bid them goodnight, as I always do … and just then… the perfect moment for the universe to acknowledge me…. a shooting star! I mean, what are the chances anyone else was watching at that exact moment in space time…. no, I have no doubt– it was for me. A wink and a smile from the kind and generous universe to keep going. Keep looking up, keep making wishes darling….

Please let this be a sign that my miracle is on its way, spinning all the star stuff together to send a precious miracle my way.

Goodnight planet Earth….

Weight Loss

If things are tough…. keep GROWING!

Today’s random rant is sponsored by a crippling diet plateau!! For the record, my last Weigh-In SUCKED!!! As did the one before that! Normally I weigh in every two weeks and the expected number is between minus 2-4lbs per week… I lost a grand total of 1b in 3 weeks and it is just the pits!!!

Here’s the thing… please hold all your “oh, but 1lbs is great!” – “at least you didn’t gain” comments cause they’re rubbish right now. Just don’t! Damnit shit is hard at this stage of the game!! I’m so near the end and truly, it’s my own fault the weight hasn’t been coming off. Truth be told I have stolen “bites” of forbidden food from my finished-with-the-diet-husband thinking a bite couldn’t possibly matter… well I’m here to tell you- IT DOES!!! It does matter, because I’m not just casually trying to lose weight! This program is brutal – brutal to be on for a stretch this long and the longer I allow forbidden food in my face -even at nominal amounts the longer it’s gonna take!!

It’s a vicious cycle, and goes something like this:

Me: Gets frustrated and/or jealous of [husband’s] non diet food contraband, steals a bite.

    Bite throws me out of Ketosis – yes even A BITE!!!!
    Ketosis takes up to 4 days to achieve
    After bite of contraband I play by the rules for several days — we’ll say 4 of them….
    Gets back into Ketosis – yay!
    Steals a bite of forbidden food
    DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!

And so it goes…. and yet even with all the frustration– I’m so proud of how far I’ve come!! Which makes it even harder!! I’m told by at least one person every single day how great I look or some other such raving about my changing figure! It feels great – but with each compliment it seems less and less dire for me to continue losing weight!! Ain’t that a bitch!!! πŸ˜‚

The positive take away from my weigh in, was that I was according to the doc I’m in the largest Ketosis there is… and I intend to keep it that way!!!! I do feel suddenly more motivated to push away from off-program food, just knowing I AM in full Ketosis and I do know how to get and keep it. I just have to be more disciplined.

Today my Facebook reminded me of this old memory, from about 10 years ago. This is my lowest of the low before photo. I don’t ever remember looking this way, and I sure don’t ever want to again. I’ve come so far, and I didn’t come THIS far just to come this far!!!

This journey is one of transformation in every sense of the word. I’m healing, my body and my soul too! Learning how to process feelings in a more constructive way, not translating my feelings into food is a big part of that. I’m learning how to speak, finding my voice and the volume of that voice too! I’m learning to protect my energy, and what it takes to do that. I’ve had to let go of a lot of things to live in the skin I have now– including people that no longer serve a positive purpose. Growth is HARD, exhausting, painful and wonderful…..

And lastly, finding out that YES… I can do this. All of it.

For anyone struggling, for anyone fighting, for anyone hustling to grow into their new future self … I see you. Keep going.

TTC

My Love/Hate Relationship with the Universe

Sometimes I have a very complicated relationship with the universe.

I’m not terribly religious. I grew up Christian, but I have issues balancing the math when I see how some Christians behave. I just scratch my head and I can’t quite get all the way on board. I subscribe to a more universal spirituality always trying to shift my own energy to a positive place, be nice to people and let the universe sort out the judgement part. I believe, that the universe understands what I need and is making a way to provide it to me…. most days.

But days like today, it’s hard. Day 13 of 14 in the very first two week wait as we start trying to get pregnant again…. I’ve felt very certain that everything had finally aligned (not unlike every other time we do this mind you) and there were symptoms and signs pointing toward finally attaining this miracle only to wake today and have all signs pointing the other way.

I don’t know.

There’s a lot to be thankful for.

There’s so much good here, and luckily we have the opportunity to keep at it. It was certainly the most “fun” I’ve had while TTC in a really long time! Felt less like a “job” or a chore than it had during all the months of treatments we’ve done in the past….

But damnit. Again with the hard math. Sometimes I just really wanna FIGHT with the universe and shake it!!! Screaming and crying and asking WHYYYYYY!??? But the it doesn’t work like that. That’s not the energy I want flowing, I don’t want to feel robbed or mislead… or like the universe keeps breaking their promise to me! How does one keep the negative thoughts at bay??? My daily struggle.

For now… I just ask for peace and calm in light of more waiting which I am lousy at. Bring patience and faith because I seem to be running low all of a sudden. Help me let go…..