TTC, Weight Loss

Hello there!

Well it’s been a little over a month since I last posted here! In that time I’ve completely disassembled everything I know to be true and have started putting it all back together again. I feel like I’ve run away to some very far away hideout to sort through my feelings and perhaps I’m ready to peak out of the cave now…

When I started this blog, I wasn’t quite sure why I did, who I would be speaking to and what I would want to say exactly…. I’ve written about infertility, loss, anxiety, treatments, self reflection, and above all … HOPE. One thing I know, is that none of this is possible without hope. And sometimes, that hope is real hard to find and/or recognize when things get tricky.

My journey has turned me down a different path, as journeys often do. I’m tasked with losing what amounts to a hundred pounds and likely more! In order for us to continue our efforts to start our family, this is the only way. There are plenty of reasons to be on this path, but in all honesty none of those reasons hold a candle to that one. I should “want to do this for me”… but that has never been enough, and now just hearing that statement is just aggravating. I could be fine with me… but the thought of having to give up my dream of motherhood, NOW… now that I’ve held it in my grasp and had to watch it slip away!?? That is something I’m not prepared to do. At all costs… I must succeed. I’m not doing this alone. Unlike in the past when I have tried and failed, I have a team of professionals beside me to ensure that this time it will not fail.

I can’t go into the details of my current plan/program. It’s medically supervised weight loss and I’ve signed an agreement not to disclose the program as to prevent anyone from trying to mimic the plan without supervision. I can say that it’s very aggressive, and extremely restrictive — but damnit it’s working like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my very long history of battling obesity!

The process of changing my focus, and reframing my world has been dreadful. I’ve felt very reclusive, judged, frightened, and confused. Most of which was obviously coming from that pesky internal monologue I try so hard to ignore, but some of it does come from the outside world. Lots of opinions, suggestions, and comments from well meaning onlookers. Each one causing me to question everything in a world where I’m already spinning with indecision and doubt. Sometimes, less words, more listening, hugs, or a kind smile, work wonders.

I needed quiet.

So I took it. I took time to seek out my own truths, examine my heart and determine what path to pursue. Some of the people closest to me have hurt me in the process. Was it their fault? No. Not hardly. This process is painful, I’m a walking construction zone – hard hats and safety gear should be worn when dealing with me!

I’m starting to see great results and feel the confidence and relief I have been missing! I look forward to sharing progress as it comes, as well as successes and trials I may encounter along the way!


Only hope….

Sometimes I like to sit alone in my house just listening to the clocks tick away the time. The heartbeat of his home we’ve built. I imagine how much it will change when we finally get our wish and it’s taken over by the rumble of clomping tiny feet, screaming, crying, pooping and all the other ear splitting sounds that come along with parenthood….

I hope when that happens I’ll be able to think back and appreciate these silent moments, but not yearn for them. I hope that I never lose sight of how badly we want all of this. I think of that often. As I watch others with their children… they’re tired and they’re weary of wiping butts and boogers, of settling sibling disputes, of everything being sticky and smelly… of never getting enough sleep and catching every illness their kid brings home from school… and honestly I sit on my hands and can’t WAIT to sign up!! I’m sure it’ll all catch up to me some day, but for now I couldn’t be more ready to pledge the sacred Fraternity of Parenthood!

As I listen patiently to the tic tock… thump thump thump of my clock collection I imagine that it’s the sound of my baby’s heartbeat. I know it’s way too early to actually be the case….but something inside feels different this time. It may be in my head, or a side effect of the hormones, but I swear I can feel … something.

Apart from twinges, I’ve been feeling mostly positive; however occasionally I can feel the conflict inside… reminding me of the awful things that have happened in the past and how real the possibly is that they could happen again. When I feel those thoughts bubble to the surface it’s difficult to remember I’m in control of them, and I have the power to banish them. I catch myself just holding my breath and staying completely still so that I don’t mess anything up — but it’s time to breathe! Breathe and believe, that it feels different this time because IT IS…

There’s no room for doubt and fear right now… only hope


Hope is like the sun….

The BIG day! IUI day!! Long awaited– cycle day 19! 83 long days of waiting if you count back to my last period!! Though much longer than I originally intended, this break in treatments has really been good for us. We had our heads so wrapped up in this fertility business taking a step back allowed things to feel new again. Not just a constant drain punishing down on us.

The blood work, hormones, ultrasounds and injections were as difficult and dreadful as they always are, but it all seemed somewhat tolerable to me this time. Granted, it wears on you. I came home today after a long long day and collapsed into my bed for an hour. I just couldn’t propel myself any further without first taking a beat to just unhinge!

Swallowing a deep breath and exhaling the day, I felt happy… accomplished and excited for what might be on the horizon. I may have to do all of this again… and that reality is a little daunting, but in as little as 18 days I might get to feel what’s its like to be pregnant again and this time, we pray that it STICKS!!

In the grand tradition of documenting the wonderful world of fertility– here are today’s photos of my journey!

My lucky charms. Tinkerbell from Dawson to add a little bit of pixie dust luck! My Granny’s wedding ring pendant, I always feel lucky when I wear it, and happy to take her with me through this. My open heart angel, that Dawson gave me for Christmas “from Karate”. I gripped them tight while I lay there the prescribed 15 minutes with my legs propped up… and many times throughout the day. Saying silent prayers hoping that this time will be different!!

the alarm I set to remind me to leave work for my IUI. ✨🤞🏼✨

Just a girl… who hopes to have gotten knocked up on her lunch break.

My awesome IUI day socks! A great friend and comrade in fertility got me a pack of awesome Disney socks to wear for my ultrasounds and IUI… I highly recommend. Not only do your toes get cold hangin in those stirrups but they’re fun… and fabulous… and certainly lucky!

At the close of this day, I’m really thankful to be given the chance to TRY again… for so long things felt so dark and suffocating. Now I feel like the lessons have been learned, hope is restored, and just maybe… things are going to work out! Even if they don’t…it’s another opportunity to learn some shit, and try again! We must press on, we must keep the faith, and we must keep the dream alive– lessons we hope to teach our kid some day!


  • Insemination -Cycle day 19
  • 5 days of Femara oral hormones
  • 11 days of injections
  • 2 dominant follicles, 2 backups
  • 6 ultrasounds
AngelMom, TTC

365 days without you…

I remember nearly every detail of that day. I know what I was wearing, and I have trouble wearing those clothes now, though they float like friendly-ish ghosts in my closet. I remember how I felt at any given moment of that gloomy Thursday. I remember how crushing it was to finally know, after 25 days of uncertainty that I was going to lose you. Karate… I’ve whispered to the wind how sorry I am that I couldn’t save you… and I mean it.

Nurses and doctors shuffled in at random, each learning my diagnosis and not one of them knowing what to say or do to help me. Some were kind, some were cold, sterile, others just stood with their mouths hanging open trying to find words to help– there aren’t any– I’ve checked. There were no options, no discussion, and there was no saving you.

As for me, I’ve spent the last 365 days trying my best to cope without you, in the wreckage and horror that was left after that day. Grief and loss, are a moving staircase. Constantly changing, mutating, and evolving. I’ve accepted that I will never truly be “over you” and thank goodness. I’m the only one who ever held you, nothing can change that. Of everything I lost that day, that fact will always be mine. You’re the one that made me a mom, even if you couldn’t stay I am still a Mom.

Honestly, when I opened my eyes after surgery I thought it would be impossible for me to laugh, to hope and dream ever again. I feared being asked even the simplest surface question such as “How are you?” because the only answer I could grasp was “broken and lost” – that’s a little heavy for ladies room small talk with a kind coworker asking as a common courtesy.

Fast forward to present day and I’m starting to feel like me once again even if only in fractional values. In an unexpected turn of events, I really did learn some things in losing you… and finally, I feel like I’m starting to unearth some of the bits of me I thought I’d lost forever.

I feel relieved… and proud to have survived this far and that I’ve turned so much of my own pain into power and hope for myself and others. It’s a funny thing… I would never have chosen this life if it was laid before me, but Karate you’ve forced me into a better version of me. A more mindful and grateful version than the one that once existed before. I think that girl died with you, I’m certain a part of me did that day.

I plan to press on through this ever changing maze in 2018… taking the best bits and pieces of me I can. Hoping and praying for another miracle… one that the world can handle because you Karate, were obviously just way more than the world was ready for.

I found this quote the day after I lost you… I didn’t appreciate it then, I think I wanted to, but the pain was still too overwhelming. It made me smile today, now that I’m strong enough to do so. Lightning will strike again, I believe that.



Emotional Landmines 

I was racing through Walmart the other day. I had a random list of things to acquire, and I had ping pongged all over the store a few times to get them. I was getting ready to leave and realized I forgot something way at the back of the store, so I doubled back one more time to get the last missing item from my list. I cut across the center of the store and without thinking, I walked right into the baby section of the store and it stoped me dead in my tracks. 

Infertility will cause you, sometimes even subconsciously to avoid certain people, places and things just so you don’t have to deal with how they make you feel. The baby section is one of those places for me. 
I remember before we lost our baby, the first and only time I got to visit this magical land as an expectant mother. It was right after we found out we were pregnant, and before the ultrasound that ruined it all. I was so happy. A bit overwhelmed as I’m sure every mother to be is, but so thrilled to be there for myself instead of everyone else! I’ve “baked” a gaggle of diaper cakes, gone to a thousand kid birthday parties, baby showers and for once I’d get to feel what this was like!! I remember tearing up and texting my friend what I was doing. It all seems so silly and arbitrary but to me, that moment was everything.

Now, standing in the baby section I felt my knees start to give and I the tears start to swell up in my eyes  recalling that special moment in time before things got so complicated.  I wondered if I will ever get to have that feeling again… and suddenly felt like all eyes in the store were on the crazy lady about to lose it at a Walmart and I hastily bolted out of there. 

These are the moments I try to hide from. It’s not always Walmart… sometimes is people in my life that make it hard for me to live this infertile life. I can’t explain it, and it’s hard to defend myself when it happens because I know it’s not fair, and I feel guilty for even feeling the way I do. 

The pain, and grief that is loss and infertility is the most complicated and confusing thing I’ve ever encountered. Chances are, if you’re reading this you know the struggle or if not, you know someone that does. It’s is difficult to know how to handle this very fragile friend. The best thing you can do is to be there, quietly and carefully and without trying to fix anything. Just be here, and be gentle. We are the most broken , fragile and fierce creatures and we just want to be understood and accepted, just like you. Isn’t that what we ALL want, in some way? 

I crave acceptance and validation. We all have hidden emotional land mines and try as we might to navigate our lives to avoid them, eventually we’re going to forget where they’re hidden and have to deal with a blowout.  As for me, I’m still trying to figure out how to responsibly deal with my issues without emotionally injuring myself or others. Results vary, and that’s is ok too. 


Rest, Repair and Rebuild

Today, is Cycle day One… and I hardly have words for it. There were lots of signs, symptoms, and it felt like the world was finally set right and things were aligning perfectly just for me!! So for my AF to show up today just seems a bit cruel and unfair.

We failed….

And there’s no explanation, no refunds, no redemption.

It’s a bit of a gut punch. Coming off the high of a wonderful vacation with my love, with the hope that later this week I would finally get my BFP (big fat positive)… only to begin my period a few days early is a hard pill to swallow.

I’m doing my best to remain positive. It’s easy to be grateful, I know how very lucky I am to have this awesome life, as well as a caring and considerate parter to hold my hand through it all. But I can’t explain away the hurt, disappointment, and numbness that comes with such repetitive failure after trying as hard as we do.

Dreams sometimes take their time coming true. Sometimes your heart gets broken… and you have to Rest, Repair and Rebuild. Never Give Up.

For now… the only cure for this broken heart is Star Wars, chocolate, and a nap!

AngelMom, TTC

A girl with a secret

  • Cycle Day: 15
  • Treatments: 3 follicle scans to check egg growth process, IUI scheduled for this week!!
  • Meds: 225 IU HMG (7 total), HCG injection to trigger ovulation
  • Mental State: Calm, Ready.

This photo was take last November, right after I found out I was pregnant. Weeks before it was all ruined by an ectopic pregnancy resulting in emergency surgery, losing my baby as well as a Fallopian tube.

At that moment though, I felt so mischievous knowing such an important amazing thing… that I could share with no one…..

Oh who am I kidding. We were bursting at the seems!!!! We didn’t tell everyone– but we did blab our big news to a handful of people. Mostly people we’d been sharing or struggles with. Infertility and treatments are so isolating– all you want is for people to understand what you’re going through and to feel valid and supported in your choices it was so nice to finally have something GOOD to share with those people!!!

We decided not to tell our parents, not yet anyway. We had already sort of planned to get both my husband’s parents here for Christmas and I knew it wouldn’t be TOOOO hard to get my mom here so we’d wait until Christmas to put together some magical way of telling all of our parents at the same time.

Along the way, there were a few people who were surprised at our decision to share so early on “oh it’s too early!! You should wait til after the first trimester” WHY I thought!!??? It did not even occur to me that early loss could be our reality all I knew was that THIS WAS IT…..

And then it wasn’t.

If someone shares with you that they’re pregnant please don’t question why they’ve told you– at whatever point. They’ll probably spend the rest of their lives thinking they jinxed it…. because that’s what you’re saying.

Plus, if the unspeakable should happen— it’s your job to be there for that. In whatever capacity they need you to be.

I wonder daily if I jinxed my baby… and I wonder when I get pregnant (because I will!!) — if I will jinx it again!? I doubt I’ll keep my pregnancy super secret in the future because throughout this journey I have found such comfort in sharing the experiences and growing a cheering squad that would make any sports team green with envious rage— and why wouldn’t I share the good stuff too!!! That, and also because I need support. I need people in my corner. Celebrating, and praying and sending all those good vibes into the world! Live in this world with me, please.

Please recognize that If someone shares their life with you, they’ve picked this time and this place to be truthful, even if it hurts. Even if it doesn’t turn out like it should. Please don’t judge people for craving that connection and letting you in.

For now, we are going into the following week with our insemination scheduled, hoping, praying, and willing for this time to be IT!! I don’t know when I will feel open to sharing more news, but when that time comes I trust you will be there….