TTC

My Mother’s Day Wish

Every year, on this day… for the last decade I’ve made the same wish. Please, let this be the last year. The last year I have to hide from the internet, smile when I don’t want to, and act like I’m not being torn apart from the inside out. Please let this be the last year that I have to spend Mother’s Day with an honorary title…. not that I don’t love being a “Dog Mom” or Auntie– it’s just not enough for me. It’s not. So like the ones before it here I am this Mother’s Day, with tears in my eyes making the same wish.

Man. Shit is complicated these days!!! There isn’t a word for how I feel… and I feel like there should be and THAT makes me feel things! I’ve tried several times today to catalog the feels, to write them out and failed. Tried again and failed harder. This draft… might see the light of day, but I’m still debating. All day long I’ve tried to gift wrap this… these feelings. At one point I just thought…nope it’s not gonna happen. Just maybe, don’t acknowledge it at all. Who says I have to?? But that feels disingenuous too…. so here I am. Trying to scotch tape these feelings into something I can explain to the world….

I dunno… lonely. Lonely is a thing I feel. But not like, how you normally think of it. My oldest and best fertility friend is now pregnant. I can not express how wonderful that is, and how freeking excited I am for her– she DESERVES THIS!!!!!! But…. I’m alone now. And it’s hard…

We are going to start trying again… soon! Finally…. it’s exciting. And terrifying. There are a million questions racing through my brain at any given point … none of which I should be asking. Not the least of which goes something like…. “wonder if this is gonna work”… And the only answer I can muster I boosted from Captain America….

I’m doing my best to be positive and to say nice things, but if I’m really honest I’m terrified. Terrified of all the questions I can’t ask, and can’t answer. I’m terrified that I’ve come all this way only to have the door slammed in my face – or worse – opened for an instant and then slammed with the explosion of a failed pregnancy–again! I lived through the horror once I don’t know if I could make it out a second time and OF COURSE I’M SCARED OF THAT!!!! But I have to try!!!! Even with all that fear how could I not TRY!?!!!

*internally screaming … and sobbing real tears* this is what I mean… there’s no word for this. Truly…. I’m Hopefully Terrified Confused Apprehensive…. and just a little bit Numb. I need that word… whatever it is.

So today… as usual, I made my wish. I pictured the life I want so the universe can send it to me. I promised myself and the universe I would believe that what is meant for me will always find a way… and really yearn to trust that my most perfect life is somehow on its way.

To every manner of woman who is or desires motherhood… I see you. I appreciate all the tiny sacrifices that make a Mom no matter how that looks in your world.

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

Fight the good fight!

If someone would have told me, that I would have to go through the most devastating heartbreak in order to end up on the path that leads to my best life… I don’t know that I would agree to that??? Would any of us?? Really?? I mean, especially not if we actually knew the depths of that devastation– who would be on board for that kind of turmoil!?? Certainly not me….

Yet, here I am about two years after that most terrible event thinking to myself … is it possible to be grateful for that?? Never would I ever imagined that ANYTHING good or positive could come from all of that pain!?!? So much has changed, so much unexpected joy and accomplishment has come from that one event that tore my whole world apart…so that I could have the chance to build a better one. And make no mistake, if that loss had never occurred the life I have now could NEVER have been realized.

    I am over 100lbs lighter, husband is 170lbs lighter!!!
    I have a stronger bond with my husband having gone through, loss (emotional and physical)
    We have learned how to eat- so we can teach our kid(s) the things it took us a lifetime to learn!
    We’ve both accepted therapy and gotten emotional support with handling loss and anxiety – we are stronger for this!
    We’ve had to fight for the life we want. I tend to think we will be more appreciative of it when it gets here.

So it’s true what they say, “sometimes things have to fall apart, so better things can fall together.” It’s never easy to accept, and it’s gonna hurt like hell all the way there, but it is a beautiful thing once you realize you’re on the right path.

I long for the life I had to give up. However, I’m learning to use that longing to my benefit. I use it as fuel for the fire that I need to get to the finish line, instead of letting it burn down my spirit and consume me.

I’ve fought too hard, risked and lost too much to give up any ground now!!!!

For those that are fighting for your best life — keep fighting. Keep notes, for every micro victory rejoice and be proud. For that’s the best and hardest advice to follow!

TTC, Weight Loss

Deal… or No Deal

Hey!! It’s been a minute!!!! It’s been several actually since I had enough headspace, clarity and wit to compose anything worth publishing. I have all of those things now, so here we go.

I had a pretty rough week. It wasn’t all bad, it wasn’t great but it was rough. It was emotional, I discovered some shit and I’m happy to share- as usual!

To update, at this point in my weight loss I have lost 106lbs and it’s FUCKING AMAZING! It has been 11 months, I’m off all the pre-diabetes meds and watchlists, my cholesterol and blood pressure are all in the perfectly normal ass kicking range, and my A1C was 4.9 – so I am ALL GOOD when it comes to those boxes that had been needing check marks. But, I’m still not done. I haven’t met my overall weight loss goal of -170lbs and I’m not at the waist measurement yet to complete the program.

I’ve known for a while now that I was going to ring up shy on the 1 year time goal that we set upon starting this thing and I think subconsciously I’ve allowed that fact to bum me out and slow down my weight loss. I’ve allowed a series of smaller cheats and leeways in the plan just to keep from falling completely off – which shows progress, but is still not awesome. Hey, you do what you can to survive but I’m capable of more.

This week though, I felt particularly low. My husband finished the program last week and is now going into maintenance mode… of course he is – men can sneeze and lose 10lbs!!! I’m ridiculously proud of him and so thrilled he has been beside me the whole way on this–none of this is easy and he’s been SUCH a champ!! My hero! That being said, it’s tough watching him be able to have regular food now at will while I am still on program.

Adding to the perfect storm of meltdown madness was the resonating fact, that when we started I gave myself an end point of 1 year. 1 year to lose all the weight I need to lose in order to get pregnant…. and here we are within 30 days of that and I know I am about 70lbs shy of the goal.

There was a time when just thinking of losing 100lbs was like a fairy tale! Like if I could just do that everything would be solved!!!! Yet — here I am and still have a mountain to climb before I can be done. Trying to figure out how to get to the end and how long it’s going to take from here — I just found myself digging in a giant hole I couldn’t get out of … I broke.

“Everyone else gets to move on accept for MEEEE!!!!” ….

…. the words vibrated off the walls of my brain and I just lost it. The tears could not be stopped. It’s hard. It’s hard to keep clawing and fighting. I’m tired, frustrated, and worn the hell down.

For someone who’s ultimate goal weight is … pregnancy…. this is all just too hard sometimes. Sometimes you have to break to break through… and that’s ok too.

I broke at the best place I could, the diet doctor’s office. We had a long talk, I cried, then I asked questions, questions I hadn’t been brave enough to ask before and she gave me answers. And more than that, she gave me a plan. A goal… and a deal- but we’ll get to that!

Turns out one of the things I’d been missing was a micro-goal. I have had this huge mountain of weight to get through and have been swinging for the fences just collecting pounds and throwing them into the “finished” pile. Now that I’ve lost more weight than I have left, I’m on the downhill slope now so I need something closer. Something that I can see, that I can TARGET and move toward. I have that now.

The deal— Diet Doc could see the desperation and pain in my eyes. “When doc!?” *pause, wiping away tears and snot* “When…. when will it be enough for us to TRY again!??”

[she asked us in the beginning to wait until we lost the weight to try for baby again]

She flipped through my chart, looked at me with tears in her own eyes… choked them back and handed me a tissue and continued flipping…. after a few moments of puzzling she looked up and said “I have a deal for you, do you want to take it?”

Oh geez does she think I’m nuts? What if the deal is 1 more year of this? What if the deal is “sure try but eat nothing but broccoli for the rest of your life!”???? I dunno man….. I paused and must have nodded yes.

“The deal is”, she continued — “Take 2 Days. Go eat whatever you want. No limitations…. just get it out of your system. After those two days are up it’s GO TIME! I want you to give it EVERYTHING YOU HAVE And after 30 days if your weight is acceptable (she did give me a # and it’s attainable y’all) you’ll have my blessing to start trying again.”

Deal.

That one interaction was all the things I needed.

Compassion. Understanding. Support. A GOD DAMN GOAL. And some real motivation to achieve it.

So, here’s my advice…. in case you want some – from the non-expert!!

  1. Make some “deals” with yourself – you get a little something you GIVE something! It helps!
  2. If it’s part of the plan you CAN do just about anything.
  3. You’re not going to accidentally succeed (at least not consistently) so make some goals micro and macro ones and crush em!!
  4. Give yourself the room you need to breathe and then go get it — whatever IT IS.
  5. Tell everyone. I’m not that person that can quietly carry on just crushing their goals in silence. So I say tell the world, get cheerleaders cause you’re gonna need em!! Goodness knows my cheerleaders have a full time gig and I’m grateful for every one of them! ❤️

Weight Loss

Memoirs of an Awkward Girl….

Oh my gosh– sorry I feel like it’s been 5ever since I had the time, topic and wherewithal to compose a blog post!! For that I’m sorry!!

Today, today was pretty neat.

I’m currently down 78lbs and today I must have picked the right outfit to showcase this thang because I felt like every set of eyes that passed me had to stop and gush about my weight loss! Thank YOU skinny jeans — sheesh that was a lot more attention than I bargained for!!

Don’t get me wrong — I’m stoked that I’m still consistently losing weight and it’s obviously showing! The thing is I personally, am lousy at accepting compliments!!! I turn into THE most awkward girl ever!!!

I don’t know when it started or why this happens and I know I am sure not the only one – awkward girls everywhere UNITE!!! I really am trying to figure out a graceful way to accept all the attention and praise– but it’s so tricky!!!

I will say this, to the many people that have personally reached out to me and shared your stories, your triumphs, failures, fears and ultimately support and praise — THOSE are the things that keep me going. I never in my wildest dreams would think this thing I’m doing could touch someone else and to hear that it has!?? Well that just is a priceless gift. Thank YOU all for that.

As for me, I have a bit of a time patting myself on the back at this juncture because I’m only about half way to my goal! I still have SO FAR to go!!

Now wait – hold on internet moms of mine everywhere. I know your gut reaction is going to be to tell me I need to celebrate and rejoice all the tiny wins that equal up to this momentous weight loss but honestly, I’m just trying to stay focused and humble so I can see this thing through!!!

This point – this weight- is the point that i have never been able to surpass. I get here, something happens- I revert back to old ways and it all goes downhill! That won’t be happening this time. I’ve approached this all so so differently time, but the fear and angst still looms that somehow I’ll screw it up!!!

So, in light of such a lovely day of compliments, praise, and raised eyebrow glances I just say thank you… and keep on trucking down this road!!!!

oh, and here’s a progress photo in case you wondered what 78 pounds looks like!

Trying on Jeans at Maurice’s, they fit. Not as well as I’d like but it’s still a huge win. I never fit in their pants before and now I wear a size 20-22! Skipped right over their largest size and making my way down!!

Start (March) vs tonight post workout! I’m a hawt mess– emphasis on the HAWT! Hahhaa

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

Advice from a tiny green puppet…

It’s funny…. like when you have seen a movie or heard a song over and over, but then all of a sudden you hear something that you never have before. Or, maybe for the very first time it clicks in your brain and suddenly everything looks different. This happens to me a lot. Today, I had a Star Wars related mind explosion. I could recite the whole anthology from start to finish, but all of a sudden with no warning or reason I heard a tiny green voice whisper something to me on my drive to work…. but I’ll get to that…..

Life has been going pretty swell!!! Weight loss is steady, exciting, and unyielding! I’ve lost 58lbs since March! Nothing that I’ve ever done has worked like this!!! It’s amazing. But…. I continually find myself being annoyed and impatient that this part- the weight loss part- isn’t over yet. I’m constantly just waiting for it all to be over so it can finally be my turn!!!!

I’ve found myself being very anxious and jealous…. and just generally wound up about having to wait this thing out. I fool myself into thinking that I’m being a good patient person when in reality I can’t WAIT to give up on this so I can be pregnant. Getting pregnant is WHY I’m here. Nothing else has carried me this far… but it’s not enough. It’s not going to be if I can’t figure out how to be OK with this life knowing that THIS is what’s important regardless of what happens after – especially because there’s no guarantee that any amount of weight loss will lead to a baby.

So I’m driving down the road thinking of that fact… and it all seems so overwhelming and impossible some days. I’m reminded that I sound like a little whiny Jedi Baby!!! That’s when my little green friend whispered in my ear “You must let go… of everything you fear to lose.”

I sat there for the next 50 minutes of my drive with my mouth hanging open just trying to unpack the statement and why it suddenly meant so much to me. Being astonished at the randomness of it all. Why, on this day has my subconscious decided to resonate this point!??

No matter the reason there’s not much more relevant than this one declaration to Let Go. I have to let go. Let go the notion that my weight loss is only about getting pregnant. It’s not. It’s about so much more than that.

  • It’s about making a life I’m proud of.
  • It’s about doing this really important thing WITH the person I picked to live forever with!
  • It’s about supporting each other!
  • It’s about being healthy.
  • It’s about not worrying that either of us will randomly die of a completely avoidable health condition.
  • It’s about being my best self.
  • It’s about taking back control of my choices, my body, my life!
  • It’s about not giving in or giving up – there’s nothing bigger than that!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…. at the end of this we may not GET our baby. That’s a true fact. If I allow that future hope of baby to rule this part of my life, not only am I robbing myself of the joys that this journey comes with, but I may even resent the fact that I ever took this path in the first place! That’s not the kind of person I want my best self to be. I have to let go… and find a way to proceed without being so fixated on what COULD BE.

This advice may come from a Muppet… but it’s good enough for me. It always has been. I must let go.

Muppet or not, his advice is always on point! Thank you ❤️ Master Yoda.

Do. Or Do Not, there is no Try.

The greatest teacher, failure is.

Unlearn what you have learned.

Fear is the path to the dark side.

TTC

Only hope….

Sometimes I like to sit alone in my house just listening to the clocks tick away the time. The heartbeat of his home we’ve built. I imagine how much it will change when we finally get our wish and it’s taken over by the rumble of clomping tiny feet, screaming, crying, pooping and all the other ear splitting sounds that come along with parenthood….

I hope when that happens I’ll be able to think back and appreciate these silent moments, but not yearn for them. I hope that I never lose sight of how badly we want all of this. I think of that often. As I watch others with their children… they’re tired and they’re weary of wiping butts and boogers, of settling sibling disputes, of everything being sticky and smelly… of never getting enough sleep and catching every illness their kid brings home from school… and honestly I sit on my hands and can’t WAIT to sign up!! I’m sure it’ll all catch up to me some day, but for now I couldn’t be more ready to pledge the sacred Fraternity of Parenthood!

As I listen patiently to the tic tock… thump thump thump of my clock collection I imagine that it’s the sound of my baby’s heartbeat. I know it’s way too early to actually be the case….but something inside feels different this time. It may be in my head, or a side effect of the hormones, but I swear I can feel … something.

Apart from twinges, I’ve been feeling mostly positive; however occasionally I can feel the conflict inside… reminding me of the awful things that have happened in the past and how real the possibly is that they could happen again. When I feel those thoughts bubble to the surface it’s difficult to remember I’m in control of them, and I have the power to banish them. I catch myself just holding my breath and staying completely still so that I don’t mess anything up — but it’s time to breathe! Breathe and believe, that it feels different this time because IT IS…

There’s no room for doubt and fear right now… only hope

TTC

Hope is like the sun….

The BIG day! IUI day!! Long awaited– cycle day 19! 83 long days of waiting if you count back to my last period!! Though much longer than I originally intended, this break in treatments has really been good for us. We had our heads so wrapped up in this fertility business taking a step back allowed things to feel new again. Not just a constant drain punishing down on us.

The blood work, hormones, ultrasounds and injections were as difficult and dreadful as they always are, but it all seemed somewhat tolerable to me this time. Granted, it wears on you. I came home today after a long long day and collapsed into my bed for an hour. I just couldn’t propel myself any further without first taking a beat to just unhinge!

Swallowing a deep breath and exhaling the day, I felt happy… accomplished and excited for what might be on the horizon. I may have to do all of this again… and that reality is a little daunting, but in as little as 18 days I might get to feel what’s its like to be pregnant again and this time, we pray that it STICKS!!

In the grand tradition of documenting the wonderful world of fertility– here are today’s photos of my journey!

My lucky charms. Tinkerbell from Dawson to add a little bit of pixie dust luck! My Granny’s wedding ring pendant, I always feel lucky when I wear it, and happy to take her with me through this. My open heart angel, that Dawson gave me for Christmas “from Karate”. I gripped them tight while I lay there the prescribed 15 minutes with my legs propped up… and many times throughout the day. Saying silent prayers hoping that this time will be different!!

the alarm I set to remind me to leave work for my IUI. ✨🤞🏼✨

Just a girl… who hopes to have gotten knocked up on her lunch break.

My awesome IUI day socks! A great friend and comrade in fertility got me a pack of awesome Disney socks to wear for my ultrasounds and IUI… I highly recommend. Not only do your toes get cold hangin in those stirrups but they’re fun… and fabulous… and certainly lucky!

At the close of this day, I’m really thankful to be given the chance to TRY again… for so long things felt so dark and suffocating. Now I feel like the lessons have been learned, hope is restored, and just maybe… things are going to work out! Even if they don’t…it’s another opportunity to learn some shit, and try again! We must press on, we must keep the faith, and we must keep the dream alive– lessons we hope to teach our kid some day!

Stats

  • Insemination -Cycle day 19
  • 5 days of Femara oral hormones
  • 11 days of injections
  • 2 dominant follicles, 2 backups
  • 6 ultrasounds