pregnancy, Uncategorized

Pandemic Pregnancy

Well, it’s been a minute since I published here or wrote anything I felt like I needed to share. Mostly because things have been remarkably great, and usual … and then … well as they did for everyone on planet Earth things got confusing and complicated very quickly.

It all started out like a bad joke…. with news media showing people hoarding TP and people panicking and seeming irrational. My usual move is to be calm, and take my cues from sensible government and whatever seems logical …. neither of which seem to be available to me anymore.

It’s really hard given the current state of things to figure out where exactly it all went tits-up or at what point it could have been avoided. Personally, I get not wanting to cause panic in the streets because HELLO that already happened leaving some of us, that maybe trusted our government too much back pedaling now. Those who decided to NOT panic buy and pull back a bit, scrambling to provide enough supplies to last the 2-4 weeks this thing is expected to last. I can’t even think about what happens if it goes beyond that (which it likely will) if supplies remain as scarce as they are right now. Like everyone, I felt my heart sink running quickly into Walmart on Friday to completely empty shelves…. and at this point it just feels like there’s not enough to go around it’s not even single individuals buying out the shelves, we all just want to be prepared and there’s not enough there! It’s terrifying. I feel like none of the apocalypse movies prepared us for that bit!

There IS good coming through all of this though. I’m one of the fortunate that is able to work from home through this thing!! Thankfully, my company sprang into action providing us laptops quite suddenly without warning so that we could adapt to a remote work environment— something we’ve been wanting for a long time!!! It’s exciting to see how well it’s going given the lack of training and prep! Plus, timing wise couldn’t have come at a better time for me personally as I was struggling daily with an hour+ commute on either side it was getting to be more than my pregnant body could take!! I’m grateful for that- and being grateful for things always helps.

Which brings me to my next point…. for me there’s another layer to this thing. My baby is due in less than 3 weeks and I’m just left here with my mouth hanging open wondering how in the world I’m supposed to do this. I know I WILL …. but to say this wasn’t quite how I pictured it, would be an understatement.

I now have to be even MORE cautious, and protective over my most precious gift and try to save her from invisible germs that can linger dormant for weeks meanwhile everyone I love is clamoring to see her! I’m grateful we live in a time where technology will be there to help me show her to the world with the safety of a screen between… but again not quite how I pictured it. Hopefully, when it all dies down and goes back to whatever the new normal will be I’ll have a chance to unveil her safely to the world…. I imagine it will look something like this ⤵️⤵️⤵️

Luna!! 😂😂

Not to mention … you know the whole birth thing that I was already struggling to contain my fear of. I saw some “fake news” the other day that had me contemplating a run to the store for a plastic pool in case I was forced to have this baby at home!! Which I know, people do it all the time and it’s great for those people, but honestly it’s the most terrifying thing I can think of – for ME. Yet here I am having to come toe to toe with scenarios I always thought I would be able to control with my own choices.

In the end…. this baby is coming. And just like before the Pandemic I have zero control of how and when that’s going to happen. She’s coming, and it’s my job to be calm and flexible- just like before at least that part hasn’t changed.

In the meantime, I find myself zoning out sometimes just wondering how I’m going to do this, which I suspect is a thing that happens to all new moms, but at this moment in time it feels particularly confusing to navigate. All I DO know … is she’s coming and she’s going to be amazing.

Stay safe… stay healthy, stay home if you can, and if you can’t please be careful and kind to everyone you see.

Because in the end… the only thing that matters to me, is her. 💖🦄💖
AngelMom, pregnancy

A dream within a dream

The other night I woke from a dead sleep. Bolted awake by the strangest and most heart wrenching dream. I have nightmares quite a bit, always have… sometimes hubby wakes me yelling and crying in my sleep, but this one my eyes just snapped open and I laid there frozen, trying to catch my breath.

In this dream… it had all been a dream.

Let me explain.

It was a very strange web of make believe. It started with a very pregnant me, being in a fatal car accident. When the impact struck, instead of waking up like I normally would during a car accident dream, it only lead me into another dream. Still peering in as it all played out, I watched myself wake up horrified to discover that thought of me being killed in a car accident wasn’t even the worst part. In the first layer I was pregnant, and the second I was not. Watching myself realize that and that gut punch feeling … it had all just been a dream…..

I woke unable to breathe and grabbed my big pregnant belly and immediately felt her, kicking and squirming as if to say “it’s ok Mom, I’m still here”… thank god. Thank god for her!

I laid in bed clutching on to my belly, feeling relieved and grateful and also sad for the old me. The me that had to wake up to dreams like that. Wondering what the heck my life would even look like if it wasn’t for her!?? She’s not even here yet and my whole universe already revolves around her. Waiting, and anticipating whatever the world will look like once she’s here!!!

Today, I am 28 weeks pregnant and entering my 3rd trimester!! The anxiety I felt in the early stages of pregnancy is shifting. Still there a bit but it’s muffled by excitement, and also by the list of things I need to accomplish in the next three months. Moments like this jolt me back into it and I’m forced to spend a lot of quiet time with my meditation app. Time for quiet. Time for deep breaths and gratefulness.

Countdown to HER continues. It’s more than a dream, it’s my dream and this time it’s real. She’s real.

pregnancy, TTC

Shock and Awwww!

Hey people!!!! Sorry it’s been a while- In truth I’ve written a lot of passages that aren’t ready to share (they may never be), but I knew it was time to share some of this amazing journey!!!!

Currently I am 14 weeks 2 days pregnant!!! Yaaaas!!!! So many super important and awesome things have happened in recent weeks!!

  1. I made it out of the first trimester! YAS!!!
  2. I completed the genetic testing which all came back negative!
  3. And we found out we are having a little girl!!!!! Squeeeee!!!!

The first big milestone, to have completed my first trimester. HUGE!!! I find that I am able to do more things now that I didn’t allow myself in the first several weeks – like breathe! I swear I held my breath for 3 months and I feel just a little bit lighter and more calm with each day that goes by. I’ve been careful not to worry away this pregnancy – as much as possible, but getting through those early weeks was tough! I’m sure it’s something like that for every mom, especially the ones who’ve known loss — it’s a really scary thing. One I wasn’t expecting. I never factored in all the anxiety and worry I would encounter once I finally got what I’d been wanting all this time!! It is lifting, and I truly am reveling in this beautiful experience and for me it really is that!!! I have been so lucky!!! Baby girl has been so sweet to me! No morning sickness, and I’ve even had some energy back and have started going for jogs again which is something I sort of halted immediately when I became pregnant only partly because I was tired AF — but mostly I just couldn’t bring myself to move or do anything that might “shake the baby loose” or something. It’s nice to feel a little more like me again and not be so scared to just BE for fear this would all end! All in all…. I just feel thankful and wonderful to even BE HERE!!

The 2nd milestone, completing genetic testing was one I had been dreading to an extent. We decided to just do the basic level of testing and as long as it came back clear we would forego the more invasive testing. I had a really hard time even agreeing to that. What if something came up??? What would that mean??? Well, to me…. not much. Some parents would chose to end a pregnancy if something unfavorable is shown on these results, but as long as the condition wasn’t life threatening we are in this no matter what!! Or what if they DID discover the baby wouldn’t survive outside the womb…. ugh! Just breathe and know that the universe has you!!! That’s all I could tell myself while going through it and waiting for results! Happily we got the all clear and it’s just one more step toward this wonderful dream we get to live out!!

And lastly… finally the drum roll of waiting to find out our baby’s gender!!!!!! The week before this was the NT Ultrasound and we got a sneak peek at everything… including what Dawson and I both thought was a little boy part!!! Admittedly, we aren’t professionals and the ultrasound tech wasn’t looking for that or outspoken about her suspicions so we just kind of made our predictions and went along our way!! I thought FOR SURE it was a boy!!!!

Fast forward one week to the big ALL Grandparents on deck 3D gender reveal scan! We found a place that does elective only scans with viewing room for up to 8 and were so excited to be able to share the moment with all our parents that we even booked a limo!!! Cause why not!!!? We’ve waited a decade – why not really blow it out!!! The tech was really amazing, gave a brief tour and within 5 minutes she had us looking right up my daughters skirt and I knew instantly.

“Can anyone tell what it is” she asked….

“It’s definitely a GIRL!” I said in shock and nearly out of breath.

“YES! It’s a GIRL!!” She exclaimed and the room erupted with cheers and tears.

Turns out what we thought we saw was probably the cord tucked between her little legs and there’s really no doubt I have a daughter on the way!!!! A daughter!!!! Up to this point I always thought I would have a son. I’m familiar with that, having helped raise my brother. I felt like boys were less scary, you know not having to deal with the whole period and boys factor…. but I tell you…. as soon as I saw those little neon words “it’s a girl” pop up on the screen I felt all those fears just melt away! Dawson clenched my hand and looked so happy! News to me, he had been HOPING for a girl all along!!!

I think I’m still in a bit of shock, but I am ecstatic to be making myself a tiny best friend to share this life with and I can not wait to meet her come spring!! I’m so lucky, and grateful… and happy. I couldn’t have asked for a better pregnancy so far and I only hope it continues on this path!! One day at a time, and thank you to all who’ve strapped in and come along for this journey thus far! It’s been a wild ride and I just can’t wait to see what the future has in store for me, my love, and my tiny princess! 💖🦄🌈

TTC

100 Questions

So….. *trumpet fanfare* the news has recently dropped. I. AM. PREGNANT!!!! After a decade of trying, 8 fertility cycles, one failed/lost pregnancy, losing a fallopian tube, and after tearing down and rebuilding whole pieces of myself … I get to be pregnant.

For my current fertility warrior followers I know this may feel like a betrayal or abandonment and for that I am so very sorry. I know the feeling too well. The isolation and depression of any pregnancy announcement no matter how deserving still feels like a gut punch.

The only thing I can hope for is that as I unfold my story, that anyone who needs to will find hope and comfort that miracles DO HAPPEN, and if they can happen to someone like me your miracle may just be one cycle away!!

Since announcing our news I’ve gotten no less than 100 questions and I’m going to try to answer a few of them here!

1.) How far along are you?

I’m early. I’m a mere 8 weeks 3 days – and I’ve KNOWN for 5 weeks of that!!! Being someone who has been trying to become pregnant for 10 years I’m very aware of what’s going on in my body so I had not even officially missed my period before I got my positive pregnancy test!

Part B of this question, is more an immediate reaction to part A. I answer the question and I immediately feel people cringing at the fact that I’m letting the news out so “early”… my first response is defense – like I get it it’s early but understand me – I can’t jinx this!?! If bad stuff is gonna happen it’s going to happen regardless of whether I tell people or not! Traditionally, or shall I say it’s “customary” to wait until 12 weeks (or after the first trimester) to tell people you are pregnant. The main reason is the miscarriage rates during this time are quite high. It’s astounding to me how many healthy babies are born, each one is truly a miracle considering the enormous risk every pregnancy starts out with!!!!

I have made a choice to share our pregnancy now. Because I’ve suffered loss. I know that pain, and one thing that sucks about it is having to only ever deliver awful news. I’m overjoyed to be pregnant!!! I’ve shared the good, the bad and the ugly of this journey. As supporters I feel like you should be able to enjoy this wonderful news as well – no matter what happens!

Plus, should something go wrong – I’m gonna need support. I’m going to need you to understand how I got here, and I’m not going to want to unpack the story a 100 times. I’ll need people to just be there…. filling in the space or quiet…. that, and I just don’t do well with secrets!??!

2.) What Do We Know? (Aka do we know the sex!???) Good lord!! It’s shocking to me that people think you find out you’re pregnant and instantly know the baby’s sex. No. I don’t know the baby’s sex yet, and it’s gonna be a minute. Usually around 14 weeks you get to find out so just HANG IN THERE!! We will be finding that out and of course I’ll share! What I do know is, I’m pregnant. It’s real. It’s in the right spot, and it has a strong heartbeat!! That’s about all I know for now!!

3.) How do you feel?

Terrified. I feel terrified.

No seriously I wish there was more. I’m living in a world now where I know exactly what I have to lose, what it feels like to lose it and I’m just scared as hell that like it did before it’s all going to come crashing down on me.

I’m doing my very best to keep the scary thoughts at bay- but I sure was not prepared for how scary pregnancy after loss can be. From what I’ve heard … this is just parenthood. Constant, crippling worry— awesome!

Other than extreme terror I feel great. I haven’t had too many unpleasant pregnancy symptoms other than fatigue and boob soreness and for that I’m so grateful and lucky!!

4.) How did this happen??

Well you see when a mommy loves a daddy VERY MUCH…… no no. Not that. Most people KNOW how it happens but wanna know how WE DID THIS!!!??? This happened because we made a choice to change. We did the same thing for years… just tried and then tried some more never really changing the WAY we were going about it. Sure every cycle is different, but we finally made a choice to CHANGE! We took a whole year off trying to get pregnant and lost 300lbs between us! We changed our lives regardless of whether or not pregnancy would happen. After I reached a weight my doctor felt comfortable with we started naturally trying and after the 3rd month…. just THREE months we did it!??? It truly is a miracle.

I fought against this for a long time now wanting to believe my weight was the problem. Feeling fat shamed, and not good enough for a baby, crying myself to sleep many nights wondering if this would EVER happen for me… and here I am. We still have so far to go, there are far many more perils out there I haven’t even learned of yet but I’m here… and here is beautiful.

Like I said up top…. if you’re like I was fighting against a skinny gals fertility world maybe it’s time? Maybe it’s not but either way if I can make this miracle happen I know others can too!!!!

For now, those are the questions and answers I have…. goodnight all keep wishing on stars and making your own dreams come true!!!

And who could live without our baby’s first selfie!??? Just a little peanut…. but also my whole world!!!

TTC

My Mother’s Day Wish

Every year, on this day… for the last decade I’ve made the same wish. Please, let this be the last year. The last year I have to hide from the internet, smile when I don’t want to, and act like I’m not being torn apart from the inside out. Please let this be the last year that I have to spend Mother’s Day with an honorary title…. not that I don’t love being a “Dog Mom” or Auntie– it’s just not enough for me. It’s not. So like the ones before it here I am this Mother’s Day, with tears in my eyes making the same wish.

Man. Shit is complicated these days!!! There isn’t a word for how I feel… and I feel like there should be and THAT makes me feel things! I’ve tried several times today to catalog the feels, to write them out and failed. Tried again and failed harder. This draft… might see the light of day, but I’m still debating. All day long I’ve tried to gift wrap this… these feelings. At one point I just thought…nope it’s not gonna happen. Just maybe, don’t acknowledge it at all. Who says I have to?? But that feels disingenuous too…. so here I am. Trying to scotch tape these feelings into something I can explain to the world….

I dunno… lonely. Lonely is a thing I feel. But not like, how you normally think of it. My oldest and best fertility friend is now pregnant. I can not express how wonderful that is, and how freeking excited I am for her– she DESERVES THIS!!!!!! But…. I’m alone now. And it’s hard…

We are going to start trying again… soon! Finally…. it’s exciting. And terrifying. There are a million questions racing through my brain at any given point … none of which I should be asking. Not the least of which goes something like…. “wonder if this is gonna work”… And the only answer I can muster I boosted from Captain America….

I’m doing my best to be positive and to say nice things, but if I’m really honest I’m terrified. Terrified of all the questions I can’t ask, and can’t answer. I’m terrified that I’ve come all this way only to have the door slammed in my face – or worse – opened for an instant and then slammed with the explosion of a failed pregnancy–again! I lived through the horror once I don’t know if I could make it out a second time and OF COURSE I’M SCARED OF THAT!!!! But I have to try!!!! Even with all that fear how could I not TRY!?!!!

*internally screaming … and sobbing real tears* this is what I mean… there’s no word for this. Truly…. I’m Hopefully Terrified Confused Apprehensive…. and just a little bit Numb. I need that word… whatever it is.

So today… as usual, I made my wish. I pictured the life I want so the universe can send it to me. I promised myself and the universe I would believe that what is meant for me will always find a way… and really yearn to trust that my most perfect life is somehow on its way.

To every manner of woman who is or desires motherhood… I see you. I appreciate all the tiny sacrifices that make a Mom no matter how that looks in your world.

Weight Loss

Motivation is a Myth, and other big FAT lies

I started writing this post several months ago. Likely, saw something shiny and never made my way back to until today. I was saving a draft of something ELSE I’ll probably circle back around to much later than intended and saw this pending draft just sitting there. I don’t even remember writing it… I do that a lot. Sometimes I just gotta purge some troublesome thoughts. Sometimes, I have an idea or thought, but it’s not quite there yet and I think that was the case for this one. I cackled out loud at some of this and decided it was high time to come back around to pick up where I left off…

*time machine sounds*

The skin I walk around it today I feel pretty fabulous!! I’m now hauling around precisely 110 less pounds than I was a year ago. I still have a ways to go to meet my two final weight loss goals – release for getting pregnant and hitting ONEderland. *[Future Self is hauling -128lbs and both goals are now 12 & 22lbs within my grasp, respectively!! Yus!!!!]

I can fit into mostly regular sizes now. I feel pretty great most of the time and it’s overall been an awesome change!! I have however learned some pretty mind blowing shit over the course of the last year… and of course I wanna tell you about it all!

1.) It’s not gonna look or feel like you thought it would. I lost 100+lbs, and I’m still obese. I’m still a bigger girl, and there are problem areas I have to work on. Not everything is “fixed”. I still feel tired as hell some days and I still love naps– I don’t NEED them like I did before, but it’s not a perfect science. There was a time where losing even a fraction of what I have seemed impossible, and so magical like it would solve EVERYTHING… it hasn’t. I still got issues, and I’m still gonna have some when this is “over”.

2. Skin is the largest organ of your body. Skin is a big deal when you go through rapid weight loss – it’s not just for TV it can be a real problem. Hanging skin is a real thing. At the end of all this, removal may be a thing…. but it’s for future me to deal with. [Future-FUTURE Me even! I’m still not at the stage where removal is on my plate to deal with yet]

3. Wait was I hideous before???? People notice me now. I’m vocal about my weight loss, in life and on social so I get a lot of comments. Most people are kind enough to express that they liked my looks before, which is nice but hey I’ve seen the before photos — I was a dump truck. [😂😂😂 re-reading this comment about myself I laughed out loud! You should too… I mean I’m so damn funny] The comments make me laugh. They make me smile. Make me shrink into awkwardness, but mostly it’s all very humbling, the fact that anyone stops to to notice me is a sheer delight. I’m learning to be less awkward… but it’s a work in progress!!

4. Motivation is a lie! Yah I said it. Someone had to! People tell me all the time “oh you’re so inspiring” “you’ve got such motivation” and every time I wanna scream and be like “YOU FOOOL!!! I would straight up END ANY ONE OF YOU if I was offered payment in the form of a sprinkle donut right now!!!!”…. I am not always motivated and I’m not always strong. There are real moments of weakness, shame, fear and frustration that accompany every step in the right direction!!!

5. Weight loss anxiety is a thing. Personally, I have some level of anxiety. It’s mostly in check, and I’m aware of it which helps, but it’s heightened at times in my weight loss journey. I worry I’m gonna screw up. I worry that I’m not gonna lose enough at my weigh in. I worry that I’m gonna gain it all back…. I worry. A lot. I don’t celebrate as much as I should because I’m worried I’ll get too comfortable and slide back down this slippery slope. It’s scary, and exhausting and at times suffocating.

So, there’s the short list of things I wish I would have known before… not that I could have possibly understood but… No one warns you about that stuff so there you go!!!

Hopping back in here in the future now…. funny right??? It surprises me sometimes, my own inner voice sounds like an outsider at times but, I like her… she gets me.

I’m so stupid close to being done. I feel so grateful that I’ve been able to stick to this and finally know success in weight loss. Hopefully I will also know what success in parenthood can be like too! 🙏🏻🌈✨

Weight Loss

Under Pressure

I’ve been pushing against it for at least a week now. Amidst a variety of other factors and issues I just haven’t been able to keep my head in straight, for about a week now. Scaling back my workouts, trying to meditate and make time for self care… but nothing seemed to help.

Pressure. Thick…. suffocating pressure beating down on me. If there’s one thing I have learned in the last year, it’s that any weight loss journey comes with it’s own maze of anxiety and pressure. Sometimes that pressure provides motivation, and fire and I am usually able to USE THAT!! Typically I can convert it into helpful fuel to propel myself further on this dusty road! After all, as they say — no pressure, no diamonds!

BUT this?? This pressure??? Building up, climbing the walls and cracking the seams of my soul….. this is anxiety dressed up in costume parading around as a pressure I can’t possibly tame.

On Tuesday, I woke with a migraine… most likely as a result of lazy hydration. So, I excused myself from work and closed my eyes tight against my pillow. I could still feel my brains throbbing inside my scull…. but somehow I drifted off to a dreamless sleep.

When I woke the headache felt better, but the anxiety and panic I felt was at a rolling boil. I knew I would need to get up, get up and go downstairs… near the kitchen where the food is. And I’d have to make choices.

I do everything I can to make those choices easy. I prepare my food, currently I’m only eating once a day to try to combat a stall on the scale and ongoing will power obstacles. But today… today I need it to stop.

I sat on the couch ignoring the kitchen at my back…. but after a while it felt like even the walls were vibrating.

When anxiety strikes me like this, it’s rare but usually there’s typically always something to be done. A choice of some kind that makes it stop. I knew what it was, and I’ve been fighting against it. I AM SO CLOSE! So close to ending this stage of the game!! BUT I can’t get there if I’m fighting myself every step of the way. It’s time for a break.

I called my Diet Doc and got approved for a break, and all at once the vibrating anxiety quake settled.

It’s not a perfect science. But sometimes, you just need to break and allow yourself the room to breathe and JUST BE! A few days of flexibility should do me good!!!!

Final thought: I sound like a broken record, but listen to your insides…. sometimes they tell you things you don’t care for, things you don’t like to hear– but it’s far easier to embrace the info and find a way to accept it than spending your time and energy fighting it!! You’re doing better than you think you are so give yourself a break!!

And also THIS!!!