AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

Advice from a tiny green puppet…

It’s funny…. like when you have seen a movie or heard a song over and over, but then all of a sudden you hear something that you never have before. Or, maybe for the very first time it clicks in your brain and suddenly everything looks different. This happens to me a lot. Today, I had a Star Wars related mind explosion. I could recite the whole anthology from start to finish, but all of a sudden with no warning or reason I heard a tiny green voice whisper something to me on my drive to work…. but I’ll get to that…..

Life has been going pretty swell!!! Weight loss is steady, exciting, and unyielding! I’ve lost 58lbs since March! Nothing that I’ve ever done has worked like this!!! It’s amazing. But…. I continually find myself being annoyed and impatient that this part- the weight loss part- isn’t over yet. I’m constantly just waiting for it all to be over so it can finally be my turn!!!!

I’ve found myself being very anxious and jealous…. and just generally wound up about having to wait this thing out. I fool myself into thinking that I’m being a good patient person when in reality I can’t WAIT to give up on this so I can be pregnant. Getting pregnant is WHY I’m here. Nothing else has carried me this far… but it’s not enough. It’s not going to be if I can’t figure out how to be OK with this life knowing that THIS is what’s important regardless of what happens after – especially because there’s no guarantee that any amount of weight loss will lead to a baby.

So I’m driving down the road thinking of that fact… and it all seems so overwhelming and impossible some days. I’m reminded that I sound like a little whiny Jedi Baby!!! That’s when my little green friend whispered in my ear “You must let go… of everything you fear to lose.”

I sat there for the next 50 minutes of my drive with my mouth hanging open just trying to unpack the statement and why it suddenly meant so much to me. Being astonished at the randomness of it all. Why, on this day has my subconscious decided to resonate this point!??

No matter the reason there’s not much more relevant than this one declaration to Let Go. I have to let go. Let go the notion that my weight loss is only about getting pregnant. It’s not. It’s about so much more than that.

  • It’s about making a life I’m proud of.
  • It’s about doing this really important thing WITH the person I picked to live forever with!
  • It’s about supporting each other!
  • It’s about being healthy.
  • It’s about not worrying that either of us will randomly die of a completely avoidable health condition.
  • It’s about being my best self.
  • It’s about taking back control of my choices, my body, my life!
  • It’s about not giving in or giving up – there’s nothing bigger than that!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…. at the end of this we may not GET our baby. That’s a true fact. If I allow that future hope of baby to rule this part of my life, not only am I robbing myself of the joys that this journey comes with, but I may even resent the fact that I ever took this path in the first place! That’s not the kind of person I want my best self to be. I have to let go… and find a way to proceed without being so fixated on what COULD BE.

This advice may come from a Muppet… but it’s good enough for me. It always has been. I must let go.

Muppet or not, his advice is always on point! Thank you ❤️ Master Yoda.

Do. Or Do Not, there is no Try.

The greatest teacher, failure is.

Unlearn what you have learned.

Fear is the path to the dark side.

TTC

It’s just a number, but today it’s so much more!

Just when you thought that the most exciting thing to happened today would be the Royal Wedding… which let’s face it was awesome!! It’s going to be hard to beat that, but I’ll try…

Today, like every other day I stepped on the scale. But unlike most of the days before it- at least the days I can remember without straining the number displayed started with a 2 instead of a 3!

Now, this is terrifying to put out there. Far scarier than any of the stuff I write here about infertility as it were! I don’t like sharing my actual weight or how heavy I’ve let myself get- it’s humiliating and always has been. However, I think it’s part of the healing process I suddenly I feel compelled to shout this from the rooftops!!!!

This number doesn’t REALLY mean anything. It doesn’t define me, it’s not who I am, it’s temporary – but today it means some stuff.

It means I’ve lost 51 pounds y’all!!

It means I can do things that are really difficult!

It means I can go on the zip line in Vegas!

It means that I found something FINALLY that works.

It means that hard work can lead you to places you once thought you could not go.

It means that things CAN HAPPEN!

It means sometimes even if you don’t believe it, you can still do it!!!

It means that this could work… perhaps THIS will be the key to unlocking the future I so desperately desire!?

It means I gotta set some more goals to smash!

THIS fees pretty great.

For the next phase…. my personal goal is 40 pounds, I’ve wanted to try the indoor skydiving place near my work and that’s their weight limit. The virtual sky’s the limit man!!

Thanks to all for sharing and supporting this journey!

AngelMom, Weight Loss

Kisses from Heaven

So I’ve been sprinkling in workouts to my routine now that I’m past all the diet transitioning on my current program. One thing I do is try to jog/walk on my lunch break. I figure I only have a few of those lunch time jogs left before it gets so hot here that your face melts off!!!

Today, I set a goal to jog 1 whole lap around the building without slowing to walk. I almost made it all the way yesterday so I wanted to see how far I could push it if I made that my goal. I did it!!! That success felt great! (Difficult but great!)

I was feeling really empowered. Focusing on saying really nice things to myself during my run like:

  1. Look how strong you are!
  2. This is something you could not do when you started!
  3. Look how far you’ve come!
  4. You’re such a badass!
  5. You’re going to be such a great mom someday (and here’s where it gets squirrely)
  6. I bet Karate is proud of you, wherever he is
  7. You’re making every choice you can to make sure you never have to send anymore babies to heaven…..

And then I looked up…. and saw this.

Anyone that knows me well, knows my grandma always had this funny thing where she’d say “X’s in the sky are kisses from your loved ones in heaven”. I always laughed at her, until she passed away and now I always think of her when I see them.

At that moment though… my heart sank and I knew that particular X came from my baby in heaven.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cried through the rest of the run. I struggled to put one foot in front of the other and that was the end of any goal crushing I may have had planned for this run. New goal— Complete my 30 minutes and not make eye contact with anyone in the parking lot passing by.

It’s been a minute since I had an emotional outburst, in general, and about my loss. I truly feel like I have been healing and feeling much better about everything. But in that moment, everything I’ve ever felt about it caught up to me and hit me out of nowhere.

It’s important to feel through those feelings– and keep saying those nice things. I’m never going to be “over” what happened. I think about it every day. Maybe someday I won’t… but for today I’m breathing and feeling through the sensation of loss, longing, transitioning, growing, and yes… knowing I’m doing everything I can to create the best future I can have!

TTC

Hope is like the sun….

The BIG day! IUI day!! Long awaited– cycle day 19! 83 long days of waiting if you count back to my last period!! Though much longer than I originally intended, this break in treatments has really been good for us. We had our heads so wrapped up in this fertility business taking a step back allowed things to feel new again. Not just a constant drain punishing down on us.

The blood work, hormones, ultrasounds and injections were as difficult and dreadful as they always are, but it all seemed somewhat tolerable to me this time. Granted, it wears on you. I came home today after a long long day and collapsed into my bed for an hour. I just couldn’t propel myself any further without first taking a beat to just unhinge!

Swallowing a deep breath and exhaling the day, I felt happy… accomplished and excited for what might be on the horizon. I may have to do all of this again… and that reality is a little daunting, but in as little as 18 days I might get to feel what’s its like to be pregnant again and this time, we pray that it STICKS!!

In the grand tradition of documenting the wonderful world of fertility– here are today’s photos of my journey!

My lucky charms. Tinkerbell from Dawson to add a little bit of pixie dust luck! My Granny’s wedding ring pendant, I always feel lucky when I wear it, and happy to take her with me through this. My open heart angel, that Dawson gave me for Christmas “from Karate”. I gripped them tight while I lay there the prescribed 15 minutes with my legs propped up… and many times throughout the day. Saying silent prayers hoping that this time will be different!!

the alarm I set to remind me to leave work for my IUI. ✨🤞🏼✨

Just a girl… who hopes to have gotten knocked up on her lunch break.

My awesome IUI day socks! A great friend and comrade in fertility got me a pack of awesome Disney socks to wear for my ultrasounds and IUI… I highly recommend. Not only do your toes get cold hangin in those stirrups but they’re fun… and fabulous… and certainly lucky!

At the close of this day, I’m really thankful to be given the chance to TRY again… for so long things felt so dark and suffocating. Now I feel like the lessons have been learned, hope is restored, and just maybe… things are going to work out! Even if they don’t…it’s another opportunity to learn some shit, and try again! We must press on, we must keep the faith, and we must keep the dream alive– lessons we hope to teach our kid some day!

Stats

  • Insemination -Cycle day 19
  • 5 days of Femara oral hormones
  • 11 days of injections
  • 2 dominant follicles, 2 backups
  • 6 ultrasounds
TTC

Lucky Number 7

We’re doing this! Gearing up for our “lucky” number 7th IUI Cycle. I was ready to start up treatments again about three months ago, but due to scheduling and then waiting for my lady bits to get the memo we are finally on track again! Finally after a 64 day long cycle I am ready to go!!!

Since we began treatments in 2016 we’ve completed 6 IUI cycles. I like to take photos of myself on IUI day, to look back on and remember what state I was in on any given cycle. I love these photos, I like to believe I look the most pretty when I’m ovulating- it’s a very primal thing and going into this, our 7th IUI I gotta believe we are just 1 cycle away from making our dreams come true!!!

Lately,I’ve had difficulty reconciling my feelings and getting myself on board with the COST of all this. I’ve even found myself trying to find ways to skim off parts of the available treatments to save money. The last 3 cycles have run from $2000-2500 due to increased dose of injectables. Ouch, literal and figurative there!

It’s hard for me to watch others accidentally get pregnant while we throw all of our money at my fertility doctor in hopes that one of these times it will work, and STICK! Now, I do realize everyone’s plans have NOTHING TO DO with me… but it still hurts beyond measure sitting on the sidelines as I watch and cheer for everyone else.

After so long of this, the stress, the money, the emotional hurt— we needed a break, and so did our pocket book. We took a few months off and instead took trips together, talked about our focus, plans, held each other tight and remembered what it was like to not have our entire lives spinning on a hot plate- a hot plate called infertility.

So here we are now, at the starting line again. Blood work, ultrasounds oral hormones, and today the start of injectable hormones that will hopefully generate some good eggs for our IUI in a week or so (depending on growth, my cycles tend to run a little long).

The reality is, this is what WE have to do, to make our dream of adding a child to our family. This is what it looks like for us. It’s hard, it’s emotional, and it’s expensive… and it “is what it is”. I believe that this will work!!! I have to.

I believe our baby is on the way. Our baby is hurrying as fast as possible to find us. 2018, my hopes rest on you!

  • Cycle Day: 10
  • Treatments ongoing: 2 follicle scans
  • Preliminary blood work,
  • Femara 7.5mg/days 3-8
  • 3 viles HMG injectable daily
  • Mental State: Cautiously Optimistic
AngelMom, TTC

365 days without you…

I remember nearly every detail of that day. I know what I was wearing, and I have trouble wearing those clothes now, though they float like friendly-ish ghosts in my closet. I remember how I felt at any given moment of that gloomy Thursday. I remember how crushing it was to finally know, after 25 days of uncertainty that I was going to lose you. Karate… I’ve whispered to the wind how sorry I am that I couldn’t save you… and I mean it.

Nurses and doctors shuffled in at random, each learning my diagnosis and not one of them knowing what to say or do to help me. Some were kind, some were cold, sterile, others just stood with their mouths hanging open trying to find words to help– there aren’t any– I’ve checked. There were no options, no discussion, and there was no saving you.

As for me, I’ve spent the last 365 days trying my best to cope without you, in the wreckage and horror that was left after that day. Grief and loss, are a moving staircase. Constantly changing, mutating, and evolving. I’ve accepted that I will never truly be “over you” and thank goodness. I’m the only one who ever held you, nothing can change that. Of everything I lost that day, that fact will always be mine. You’re the one that made me a mom, even if you couldn’t stay I am still a Mom.

Honestly, when I opened my eyes after surgery I thought it would be impossible for me to laugh, to hope and dream ever again. I feared being asked even the simplest surface question such as “How are you?” because the only answer I could grasp was “broken and lost” – that’s a little heavy for ladies room small talk with a kind coworker asking as a common courtesy.

Fast forward to present day and I’m starting to feel like me once again even if only in fractional values. In an unexpected turn of events, I really did learn some things in losing you… and finally, I feel like I’m starting to unearth some of the bits of me I thought I’d lost forever.

I feel relieved… and proud to have survived this far and that I’ve turned so much of my own pain into power and hope for myself and others. It’s a funny thing… I would never have chosen this life if it was laid before me, but Karate you’ve forced me into a better version of me. A more mindful and grateful version than the one that once existed before. I think that girl died with you, I’m certain a part of me did that day.

I plan to press on through this ever changing maze in 2018… taking the best bits and pieces of me I can. Hoping and praying for another miracle… one that the world can handle because you Karate, were obviously just way more than the world was ready for.

I found this quote the day after I lost you… I didn’t appreciate it then, I think I wanted to, but the pain was still too overwhelming. It made me smile today, now that I’m strong enough to do so. Lightning will strike again, I believe that.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

TTC

Shoulda Coulda Woulda’s and other things that still hurt despite a Wonderful Life.

I’ve been having a super hard time sharing lately. Some of you may have noticed I’ve been abnormally quiet lately. Trying to figure out my “spin” on some frustrating feelings and it’s a tough thing to pin down.

We’ve made some choices lately, awesome, exciting, selfish and fun choices that are not in any way fertility serving or related. I’ve been having trouble allowing myself to be happy and confident about them. We deserve to have fun and do things that make us feel happy, remind us why we love being together and make our bond stronger…. but in making those choices we removed other opportunities and choices regarding future fertility treatments.

We’ve spent the last 8 years trying to get pregnant- and for the last year of that it has been the primary focus of our lives…. and it’s HARD!!! It’s mentally and physically taxing. We’ve suffered loss, and somehow at the end of that difficult year we are and aren’t closer to reaching the finish line. We know now IT CAN HAPPEN now….. but the questions and challenges still remain and I find myself wondering WILL IT happen more often than I care to admit.

This journey is one of pain, longing, stress, and a lot of telling myself to be stronger and more positive than I may actually be. I want to bring light and positivity to others…. but at the same time there are so many days where I just can’t get it up for the world and I just want to feel frustrated and angry that for some reason the universe continues to withhold the last missing piece and I can’t for the life of me figure out WHY!!!!! Despite so many other amazing things that may be going right— this one missing piece haunts me.

Meanwhile, when I look up from my own journey I feel my heart break wide open for others that are fighting their own battles that are totally different than mine. I tell myself to “suck it up” and shame myself for indulging my feelings because others “have it so much worse”…. and while all of that may be true…. one journey cannot possibly be measured against another.

Every journey is unique and no one else is strong enough to move the mountain that has been assigned to you. It’s grueling…. and all the more laborious if you don’t allow yourself to experience what you’re feeling and constantly suppress and stifle yourself for the sake of putting up a brave face.

So in the end…. this life is pretty great. There’s so much here to be grateful for… and sometimes despite all of that I still hurt, and I must keep pressing on! However I can….