Tag: emotions

Weight Loss

Uncovering Holdbacks

Confessions of an Angel Mom

“What’s your hold back?” she asked innocuously….

I had never really given it a single thought. In fact the term didn’t really register immediately… but it ate away at me.

I have a lot of areas in my life where I feel like maybe I AM holding back? And maybe I outta unpack that for myself. In relationships I tend to hold back my feelings – like it comes time for me to say what I’m feeling and I can’t seem to spit out ANY words let alone the ones that have been racing around my brain. Maybe I fear I’ll hurt someone. That they’ll be mad at me, or worse. I don’t like the feeling when someone’s mad at me. I’ll go miles and miles around the problem to just avoid that uncomfortable feeling meanwhile internally agonizing.

I’ve also incurred a loss in my life like I’ve never had before. Someone close to me took their own life and without realizing it I think that reality scrambled my brain. It was the very first time I realized that ANY of my friends or family could potentially choose this fate and I would likely have NO CLUE. I think my brain took that loss to heart and the narrative I was left with was: “If it could happen to this person it surely could happen to literally ANYONE you know or love and you better watch what you say and do”. It’s not untrue, you should always be mindful of how you treat people, but it’s not like I’m responsible for anyone else’s fate especially at the expense of my own honesty and peace of mind.

Something clicked. I didn’t even realize I had imprisoned myself in those feelings until the question was asked.

Got me thinking of other areas where there might be a holdback lurking and I immediately turned to my struggle to lose the weight I’ve gained through pregnancy and motherhood. What could possibly be holding me back……

Today I got to drop the babe at the grandparents and was on a mission to self care for myself in a way that didn’t involve frenzy cleaning the whole house. I found myself on the treadmill (a place I haven’t visited in many moons). I forgot how nice it is there. How you can like have a fully formed thought without being jerked away to fill a sippy cup or open a bag of snacks…. A complete thought came to me and it knocked the wind out of me.

So… I loved being pregnant. It was arguably the best year of my life. COVID hadn’t started yet, I was thin just coming off the diet (quickly adding the pounds back on but) I was happy and so excited to meet my little miracle! My body made and supported the miracle that I’ve ALWAYS WANTED. I did it…. And now on the other side of that it’s a lot harder. There’s a pandemic, things don’t look like they did in the fantasy, and the reality of not having a 2nd child has kind of settled. I kind of always thought we’d have two but it’s pretty clear one is the magic number and I’ll never again be pregnant. That reality stings a bit and I think I’ve known for a lot longer than I’d like to admit…. And maybe DEEEEEEP in the recesses of my brain this weight and this body remind me of how beautiful and wonderful that time was.

Even though I YEARN for the body that I started pregnancy with – the skinny one I had never seen before! I’ve had such a hard time committing to any plan, food or exercise or whatever and … if I reaaaalllllly think about it … maybe that’s part of the why.

I had to stop the treadmill..

Could it be that simple?

Have I been sabotaging my own life because I’m stuck in the a specific time that I’m scared to let go of??? ………. Probably.

It felt like realizing that may just be my turning point. I hope it is.

So…. Cheers to finding any other hidden blind spots and healing from whatever needs to be healed.

2022 goals… let’s find em.
AngelMom

The things they will… and won’t tell you!

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Author’s note: I wrote most of this about 3 weeks post partum…. I filled in and updated but it’s worth sharing!!

I can’t even believe this gets to be my life. My daughter is absolute perfection. I find myself just staring at her… in shock, disbelief, adoration and pure love.

That being said, the last few weeks have been so much harder than I could have ever imagined. The world, and whatever peanut gallery that follows you delights in (low-key judging as well as) reminding you that whatever woes or feelings you have are just part of motherhood now and that you basically will never sleep again – which in my experience is not untrue… but becoming a mom and riding out this very jerky rollercoaster is a whole thing unto itself.

Our journey here was a long, and painful one and I’m lucky enough that my pregnancy as well as labor and delivery went rather text book! I was able to rock the natural/vaginal delivery I wanted even with induction – only needing a small nudge to get things started and was able to deliver my 8lb 9oz baby girl without an epidural (now, me laboring at 9+cm was definitely rethinking that one, but I do feel like a badass being able to say that I did it now that it’s over!!)

Considering ALLLLLL of that, this next phase the 4th trimester as it’s call it, is just one of those things you can’t prepare for. All the great advice in the world – as well as all of the less great and mostly unsolicited advice can’t account for what your specific baby will need and want during this stage.

That…. and the constant doubt pressing down on my shoulders makes it really tough for this mama to clear the fog and feel like I’m doing a good enough job at this. Being someone who strives for a standard I can’t possibly attain I have a hard time with this phase. The one where I just grab on tight and hope I don’t fuck any of this up!!!!

A few things for anyone looking for some insight to the 4th trimester…

Sleep… yah that whole sleep when the baby sleeps thing is bullshit. My baby only wants to be held—- so sleeping while she does is somewhat of an issue. I’ve managed to prop myself up on the couch and catch a few winks that felt safe but in reality I’m having major stress over trying to get her to accept laying down anywhere so that we are compliant with safe sleeping practice. It’s a work in progress and that has to be ok….

(Note from future me: we are making great progress with the sleeping! I made it back to my own bed at about 4 weeks and we’ve worked up to about 6 hours in the bassinet followed by a quick no-nonsense feed then back for a few hours!! Huzzah!! Truly you just have to be patient and keep trying at whatever the thing is!!!!)

When the things you hope will come naturally … don’t. For me, that thing is breastfeeding. The hospital suggested we supplement with formula early on because she was showing signs of jaundice… and I kind of feel like that one speed bump derailed us on the breastfeeding. Over time I’ve given up ground little by little, and I’ve chosen to exclusively pump to produce milk for her and fill in with formula where my supply falls short. It’s certainly not the journey I thought we’d be on, but it’s reality. In the end my baby is fed, happy and I can’t feel guilty about any of it because it’s HARD and I’m doing my very best for her- and for me. At some point my mental heath is a factor too and whatever choice I make has to take that part to account as well!

And that’s just it…. forever now, my best is what I can do and will always be ok. Motherhood is amazing, exhausting, terrifying and wonderful… I live for every memory I get to make with this girl.

Taken around the time I wrote this… 😍😴
pregnancy, Uncategorized

Pandemic Pregnancy

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Well, it’s been a minute since I published here or wrote anything I felt like I needed to share. Mostly because things have been remarkably great, and usual … and then … well as they did for everyone on planet Earth things got confusing and complicated very quickly.

It all started out like a bad joke…. with news media showing people hoarding TP and people panicking and seeming irrational. My usual move is to be calm, and take my cues from sensible government and whatever seems logical …. neither of which seem to be available to me anymore.

It’s really hard given the current state of things to figure out where exactly it all went tits-up or at what point it could have been avoided. Personally, I get not wanting to cause panic in the streets because HELLO that already happened leaving some of us, that maybe trusted our government too much back pedaling now. Those who decided to NOT panic buy and pull back a bit, scrambling to provide enough supplies to last the 2-4 weeks this thing is expected to last. I can’t even think about what happens if it goes beyond that (which it likely will) if supplies remain as scarce as they are right now. Like everyone, I felt my heart sink running quickly into Walmart on Friday to completely empty shelves…. and at this point it just feels like there’s not enough to go around it’s not even single individuals buying out the shelves, we all just want to be prepared and there’s not enough there! It’s terrifying. I feel like none of the apocalypse movies prepared us for that bit!

There IS good coming through all of this though. I’m one of the fortunate that is able to work from home through this thing!! Thankfully, my company sprang into action providing us laptops quite suddenly without warning so that we could adapt to a remote work environment— something we’ve been wanting for a long time!!! It’s exciting to see how well it’s going given the lack of training and prep! Plus, timing wise couldn’t have come at a better time for me personally as I was struggling daily with an hour+ commute on either side it was getting to be more than my pregnant body could take!! I’m grateful for that- and being grateful for things always helps.

Which brings me to my next point…. for me there’s another layer to this thing. My baby is due in less than 3 weeks and I’m just left here with my mouth hanging open wondering how in the world I’m supposed to do this. I know I WILL …. but to say this wasn’t quite how I pictured it, would be an understatement.

I now have to be even MORE cautious, and protective over my most precious gift and try to save her from invisible germs that can linger dormant for weeks meanwhile everyone I love is clamoring to see her! I’m grateful we live in a time where technology will be there to help me show her to the world with the safety of a screen between… but again not quite how I pictured it. Hopefully, when it all dies down and goes back to whatever the new normal will be I’ll have a chance to unveil her safely to the world…. I imagine it will look something like this ⤵️⤵️⤵️

Luna!! 😂😂

Not to mention … you know the whole birth thing that I was already struggling to contain my fear of. I saw some “fake news” the other day that had me contemplating a run to the store for a plastic pool in case I was forced to have this baby at home!! Which I know, people do it all the time and it’s great for those people, but honestly it’s the most terrifying thing I can think of – for ME. Yet here I am having to come toe to toe with scenarios I always thought I would be able to control with my own choices.

In the end…. this baby is coming. And just like before the Pandemic I have zero control of how and when that’s going to happen. She’s coming, and it’s my job to be calm and flexible- just like before at least that part hasn’t changed.

In the meantime, I find myself zoning out sometimes just wondering how I’m going to do this, which I suspect is a thing that happens to all new moms, but at this moment in time it feels particularly confusing to navigate. All I DO know … is she’s coming and she’s going to be amazing.

Stay safe… stay healthy, stay home if you can, and if you can’t please be careful and kind to everyone you see.

Because in the end… the only thing that matters to me, is her. 💖🦄💖
AngelMom, pregnancy

A dream within a dream

Confessions of an Angel Mom

The other night I woke from a dead sleep. Bolted awake by the strangest and most heart wrenching dream. I have nightmares quite a bit, always have… sometimes hubby wakes me yelling and crying in my sleep, but this one my eyes just snapped open and I laid there frozen, trying to catch my breath.

In this dream… it had all been a dream.

Let me explain.

It was a very strange web of make believe. It started with a very pregnant me, being in a fatal car accident. When the impact struck, instead of waking up like I normally would during a car accident dream, it only lead me into another dream. Still peering in as it all played out, I watched myself wake up horrified to discover that thought of me being killed in a car accident wasn’t even the worst part. In the first layer I was pregnant, and the second I was not. Watching myself realize that and that gut punch feeling … it had all just been a dream…..

I woke unable to breathe and grabbed my big pregnant belly and immediately felt her, kicking and squirming as if to say “it’s ok Mom, I’m still here”… thank god. Thank god for her!

I laid in bed clutching on to my belly, feeling relieved and grateful and also sad for the old me. The me that had to wake up to dreams like that. Wondering what the heck my life would even look like if it wasn’t for her!?? She’s not even here yet and my whole universe already revolves around her. Waiting, and anticipating whatever the world will look like once she’s here!!!

Today, I am 28 weeks pregnant and entering my 3rd trimester!! The anxiety I felt in the early stages of pregnancy is shifting. Still there a bit but it’s muffled by excitement, and also by the list of things I need to accomplish in the next three months. Moments like this jolt me back into it and I’m forced to spend a lot of quiet time with my meditation app. Time for quiet. Time for deep breaths and gratefulness.

Countdown to HER continues. It’s more than a dream, it’s my dream and this time it’s real. She’s real.

pregnancy, TTC, Weight Loss

Sliding into a New Year

Confessions of an Angel Mom

It usually takes me about a week to really figure out any New Year… between the last of the holiday commitments, chores, cleaning and resetting plus all the work holidays thrown in I literally can’t even find my feet until that first week of January is over.

This year is no exception, and it seems more scattered and chaotic than it normally is- perhaps cause there’s two of us here now trying to figure out the New Years grove??

I’ve felt very chemically edgy lately, which is new. I’ve seen some emotional spurts and a few random mood swings with pregnancy but honestly it’s been a pretty smooth road so far. Lately though, it’s been building…. Very small things, and even some unexpected large things have really thrown me emotionally and I’ve had quite a time sliding into the new year with all of that gurgling inside.

I’ve amped my meditation time up, at the urging of my heath advocate and like it always does (and I’m always skeptical somehow) it helped tremendously. I don’t know why I resist that tactic so much, maybe because it seems like something so simple like ones breathing and inner monologue shouldn’t be so powerful… but it totally is.

Today I woke with a clear head, and laced up my shoes for a treadmill session. I haven’t been completely absent with my fitness since I got pregnant, but between the holidays, feeling physically trained and now emotionally drained I just haven’t had it in me. It felt great. A little annoying how all that lovely stamina you build up when you’re in it goes away if you “fall off the wagon” but it was more about taking that time to reboot and just get a check mark on the day for me.

I don’t typically care for New Years Resolutions – usually because they’ve been the same for me for years! Lose Weight, and Get Pregnant…. And this year… well?? I did it right!? I’m probably always going to be one of those people who has to think about and constantly work toward keeping their weight in check, but at least I know how to do it now.

My main goal is just to be a good human. Be a good example of what I want my daughter to see in the world, and be better. Be better than I was the day before.

So far, today I’ve done that.

Typically in my life I care too much and devote too much energy into stuff that DOES NOT MATTER or serve me…. I’d like to do less of that…

While searching for an inspiring quote… I found this and it made me laugh out loud!! I mean aren’t most of us???? I relate to this so hard!! 😂😂😂

TTC

The WHY I write…

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Three years ago…. I wrote from a hospital bed. I wrote because I was broken. I wrote because I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t bare to keep it in anymore. I decided that to suffer silently wasn’t only too much for me to carry, but it’s not fair to every other woman, man, couple that struggles with infertility who feels like their voice doesn’t matter. That their struggle should be kept silent.

The first time I ever opened up about our struggle:

I truly don’t know why it feels like we should keep our struggles to ourselves. Maybe because a lot of it deals with sex? Your personal life? Being vulnerable? Expressing feelings, feelings of failure?? Not wanting to bring down the mood??

So many of us who have walked a difficult road- whether it’s infertility, cancer, depression, anxiety, whatever the case may be — I bet you know this feeling. We keep quiet for a variety of reasons — some real, some imposed upon us by society. I didn’t know then the impact my writing would have, I just knew I needed to get it out. These feelings, this fight was a toxin in my system and I needed it OUT!!!

I began to write publicly about our struggles with conception, and loss and have for the last 3 years. It is hard. Just going through it is hard. There is so much you just have to figure out by trial and error, by failure, and by hoping others are sharing their experiences so that you can learn from their pain and failure without having to put yourself through that too!!! That’s why. That’s why I write.

A lot of it is self serving, the whole getting the icky thoughts out thing is real. But, for me every time I read something relatable I feel less crazy and I wanted to be able to give a little bit of that back to others that may need that level of comfort too!

Today, the life I’m living seems more like a dream than a nightmare. I mean, don’t get me wrong, even in infertility there’s a lot to be proud of, thankful and excited about in my life – I designed it that way! Spending a whole year with a Disneyland Annual pass sure made that particular year of healing palatable! But it doesn’t negate the fact that a lot of those years were spent struggling, worrying, crying and just generally being frustrated that I was locked in a phase I couldn’t seem to escape. Sound familiar??? So many struggle with some THING that makes you feel like you can’t move forward!! It’s a horrible feeling.

Looking back on it all now, where the view is sweet… it just takes my breath away. All those times I hoped and prayed that it really would all be worth it … not knowing if it truly would…. that, that is the real nightmare. I feel lucky to have survived it all, and to be able to provide any kind of comfort, insight or hope to anyone else is the real service.

For anyone fighting.

I see you. I hear you, even if your voice is quiet. I say keep fighting!! And if you can– turn that volume up. Whatever you’re fighting, you’re not alone. Someone else is clawing against the same demons, and sees themselves in YOU I guarantee it….

pregnancy, TTC

Somebody Pinch Me

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Lately life seems way too good to be true. I catch myself just looking around in wonderment, just stunned that this gets to be my life.

For so long, I split my time wishing, hoping and praying that this fate was possible… and trying to convince myself that I would be ok if it wasn’t. It’s a funny thing when your dreams come true.

Pregnancy is not easy, by any means – but mine??? I really don’t know how I got so lucky. The inconveniences I’ve experienced really don’t measure against the pain and discomfort I experienced getting here. Currently I’m 17 weeks, nearly half way and it’s a mix of excitement, fear, joy and amazement.

I’m constantly researching, asking questions, and wondering to myself how does anyone not just mess it all up!! I want so badly to be a good mom. I just hope that whatever preparation I take now will be enough to get me through all the things you CAN’T prepare for….. I’m sure it won’t, but a girl can dream, it’s worked before! 😂

My first child, my dog Leo…. seems to be finally adjusting to all of this. It’s been a rough month for him and this bump and all the change it’s brought. Animals are very intuitive. When I first got pregnant, even before I knew he became extremely clingy. Then, right around the time we found out we were having a girl his entire demeanor changed!! (Guess he was hoping for a brother!!) He started acting out, being distant and just not really himself. As I said, a lot of change and who knows some sort of pheromone change maybe set him off. Lately though he’s starting to act a little more like himself. He’s even started this thing where he comes up to me, bonks my bump a few times then walks away… as if to say, “hi sis….just checking on you”. Melts my heart.

And this is life. Little moments like this. Moments I’ve only dreamt of. Every bump rub…. every time I see the faces of my husband, and our parents light up with absolute joy as they think about our little one…. every time I pause life and look up, and remember “I’m pregnant!!” …. it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.

I’m somehow grateful, grateful for those years of struggle and pain. Grateful for having lost something so precious that my eyes are fully opened and able to accept and appreciate the beautiful gift that I’ve been given. I’d never choose that life if I had seen it in a lineup, but I’m grateful to have lived through it so that I could experience this one…. be grateful friends!

pregnancy, TTC

Shock and Awwww!

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Hey people!!!! Sorry it’s been a while- In truth I’ve written a lot of passages that aren’t ready to share (they may never be), but I knew it was time to share some of this amazing journey!!!!

Currently I am 14 weeks 2 days pregnant!!! Yaaaas!!!! So many super important and awesome things have happened in recent weeks!!

  1. I made it out of the first trimester! YAS!!!
  2. I completed the genetic testing which all came back negative!
  3. And we found out we are having a little girl!!!!! Squeeeee!!!!

The first big milestone, to have completed my first trimester. HUGE!!! I find that I am able to do more things now that I didn’t allow myself in the first several weeks – like breathe! I swear I held my breath for 3 months and I feel just a little bit lighter and more calm with each day that goes by. I’ve been careful not to worry away this pregnancy – as much as possible, but getting through those early weeks was tough! I’m sure it’s something like that for every mom, especially the ones who’ve known loss — it’s a really scary thing. One I wasn’t expecting. I never factored in all the anxiety and worry I would encounter once I finally got what I’d been wanting all this time!! It is lifting, and I truly am reveling in this beautiful experience and for me it really is that!!! I have been so lucky!!! Baby girl has been so sweet to me! No morning sickness, and I’ve even had some energy back and have started going for jogs again which is something I sort of halted immediately when I became pregnant only partly because I was tired AF — but mostly I just couldn’t bring myself to move or do anything that might “shake the baby loose” or something. It’s nice to feel a little more like me again and not be so scared to just BE for fear this would all end! All in all…. I just feel thankful and wonderful to even BE HERE!!

The 2nd milestone, completing genetic testing was one I had been dreading to an extent. We decided to just do the basic level of testing and as long as it came back clear we would forego the more invasive testing. I had a really hard time even agreeing to that. What if something came up??? What would that mean??? Well, to me…. not much. Some parents would chose to end a pregnancy if something unfavorable is shown on these results, but as long as the condition wasn’t life threatening we are in this no matter what!! Or what if they DID discover the baby wouldn’t survive outside the womb…. ugh! Just breathe and know that the universe has you!!! That’s all I could tell myself while going through it and waiting for results! Happily we got the all clear and it’s just one more step toward this wonderful dream we get to live out!!

And lastly… finally the drum roll of waiting to find out our baby’s gender!!!!!! The week before this was the NT Ultrasound and we got a sneak peek at everything… including what Dawson and I both thought was a little boy part!!! Admittedly, we aren’t professionals and the ultrasound tech wasn’t looking for that or outspoken about her suspicions so we just kind of made our predictions and went along our way!! I thought FOR SURE it was a boy!!!!

Fast forward one week to the big ALL Grandparents on deck 3D gender reveal scan! We found a place that does elective only scans with viewing room for up to 8 and were so excited to be able to share the moment with all our parents that we even booked a limo!!! Cause why not!!!? We’ve waited a decade – why not really blow it out!!! The tech was really amazing, gave a brief tour and within 5 minutes she had us looking right up my daughters skirt and I knew instantly.

“Can anyone tell what it is” she asked….

“It’s definitely a GIRL!” I said in shock and nearly out of breath.

“YES! It’s a GIRL!!” She exclaimed and the room erupted with cheers and tears.

Turns out what we thought we saw was probably the cord tucked between her little legs and there’s really no doubt I have a daughter on the way!!!! A daughter!!!! Up to this point I always thought I would have a son. I’m familiar with that, having helped raise my brother. I felt like boys were less scary, you know not having to deal with the whole period and boys factor…. but I tell you…. as soon as I saw those little neon words “it’s a girl” pop up on the screen I felt all those fears just melt away! Dawson clenched my hand and looked so happy! News to me, he had been HOPING for a girl all along!!!

I think I’m still in a bit of shock, but I am ecstatic to be making myself a tiny best friend to share this life with and I can not wait to meet her come spring!! I’m so lucky, and grateful… and happy. I couldn’t have asked for a better pregnancy so far and I only hope it continues on this path!! One day at a time, and thank you to all who’ve strapped in and come along for this journey thus far! It’s been a wild ride and I just can’t wait to see what the future has in store for me, my love, and my tiny princess! 💖🦄🌈

TTC

100 Questions

Confessions of an Angel Mom

So….. *trumpet fanfare* the news has recently dropped. I. AM. PREGNANT!!!! After a decade of trying, 8 fertility cycles, one failed/lost pregnancy, losing a fallopian tube, and after tearing down and rebuilding whole pieces of myself … I get to be pregnant.

For my current fertility warrior followers I know this may feel like a betrayal or abandonment and for that I am so very sorry. I know the feeling too well. The isolation and depression of any pregnancy announcement no matter how deserving still feels like a gut punch.

The only thing I can hope for is that as I unfold my story, that anyone who needs to will find hope and comfort that miracles DO HAPPEN, and if they can happen to someone like me your miracle may just be one cycle away!!

Since announcing our news I’ve gotten no less than 100 questions and I’m going to try to answer a few of them here!

1.) How far along are you?

I’m early. I’m a mere 8 weeks 3 days – and I’ve KNOWN for 5 weeks of that!!! Being someone who has been trying to become pregnant for 10 years I’m very aware of what’s going on in my body so I had not even officially missed my period before I got my positive pregnancy test!

Part B of this question, is more an immediate reaction to part A. I answer the question and I immediately feel people cringing at the fact that I’m letting the news out so “early”… my first response is defense – like I get it it’s early but understand me – I can’t jinx this!?! If bad stuff is gonna happen it’s going to happen regardless of whether I tell people or not! Traditionally, or shall I say it’s “customary” to wait until 12 weeks (or after the first trimester) to tell people you are pregnant. The main reason is the miscarriage rates during this time are quite high. It’s astounding to me how many healthy babies are born, each one is truly a miracle considering the enormous risk every pregnancy starts out with!!!!

I have made a choice to share our pregnancy now. Because I’ve suffered loss. I know that pain, and one thing that sucks about it is having to only ever deliver awful news. I’m overjoyed to be pregnant!!! I’ve shared the good, the bad and the ugly of this journey. As supporters I feel like you should be able to enjoy this wonderful news as well – no matter what happens!

Plus, should something go wrong – I’m gonna need support. I’m going to need you to understand how I got here, and I’m not going to want to unpack the story a 100 times. I’ll need people to just be there…. filling in the space or quiet…. that, and I just don’t do well with secrets!??!

2.) What Do We Know? (Aka do we know the sex!???) Good lord!! It’s shocking to me that people think you find out you’re pregnant and instantly know the baby’s sex. No. I don’t know the baby’s sex yet, and it’s gonna be a minute. Usually around 14 weeks you get to find out so just HANG IN THERE!! We will be finding that out and of course I’ll share! What I do know is, I’m pregnant. It’s real. It’s in the right spot, and it has a strong heartbeat!! That’s about all I know for now!!

3.) How do you feel?

Terrified. I feel terrified.

No seriously I wish there was more. I’m living in a world now where I know exactly what I have to lose, what it feels like to lose it and I’m just scared as hell that like it did before it’s all going to come crashing down on me.

I’m doing my very best to keep the scary thoughts at bay- but I sure was not prepared for how scary pregnancy after loss can be. From what I’ve heard … this is just parenthood. Constant, crippling worry— awesome!

Other than extreme terror I feel great. I haven’t had too many unpleasant pregnancy symptoms other than fatigue and boob soreness and for that I’m so grateful and lucky!!

4.) How did this happen??

Well you see when a mommy loves a daddy VERY MUCH…… no no. Not that. Most people KNOW how it happens but wanna know how WE DID THIS!!!??? This happened because we made a choice to change. We did the same thing for years… just tried and then tried some more never really changing the WAY we were going about it. Sure every cycle is different, but we finally made a choice to CHANGE! We took a whole year off trying to get pregnant and lost 300lbs between us! We changed our lives regardless of whether or not pregnancy would happen. After I reached a weight my doctor felt comfortable with we started naturally trying and after the 3rd month…. just THREE months we did it!??? It truly is a miracle.

I fought against this for a long time now wanting to believe my weight was the problem. Feeling fat shamed, and not good enough for a baby, crying myself to sleep many nights wondering if this would EVER happen for me… and here I am. We still have so far to go, there are far many more perils out there I haven’t even learned of yet but I’m here… and here is beautiful.

Like I said up top…. if you’re like I was fighting against a skinny gals fertility world maybe it’s time? Maybe it’s not but either way if I can make this miracle happen I know others can too!!!!

For now, those are the questions and answers I have…. goodnight all keep wishing on stars and making your own dreams come true!!!

And who could live without our baby’s first selfie!??? Just a little peanut…. but also my whole world!!!

TTC

Darling, you’re a shooting star!

Confessions of an Angel Mom

I’ve been sitting out here for about a hour now. In my very own piece of the world… my quiet backyard. Feeling the wind ruffle through my hair and hands. Listening to the soundtrack of my life as played by the rustling trees….. I do this often.

I spend my time gazing up at the stars. Watching them, following them… and of course wishing on them. Light years away, I wonder if they’re looking down on me as I struggle and as I conquer…

A tear gleans down my cheek…. for almost no reason at all. It’s just so beautiful, and tragic … I plead up at them for a sign, any sign … close my eyes take a long deep breath with the current and feel a full stream of tears fall.

I open my eyes to bid them goodnight, as I always do … and just then… the perfect moment for the universe to acknowledge me…. a shooting star! I mean, what are the chances anyone else was watching at that exact moment in space time…. no, I have no doubt– it was for me. A wink and a smile from the kind and generous universe to keep going. Keep looking up, keep making wishes darling….

Please let this be a sign that my miracle is on its way, spinning all the star stuff together to send a precious miracle my way.

Goodnight planet Earth….