Tag: dreams

AngelMom, pregnancy

A dream within a dream

Confessions of an Angel Mom

The other night I woke from a dead sleep. Bolted awake by the strangest and most heart wrenching dream. I have nightmares quite a bit, always have… sometimes hubby wakes me yelling and crying in my sleep, but this one my eyes just snapped open and I laid there frozen, trying to catch my breath.

In this dream… it had all been a dream.

Let me explain.

It was a very strange web of make believe. It started with a very pregnant me, being in a fatal car accident. When the impact struck, instead of waking up like I normally would during a car accident dream, it only lead me into another dream. Still peering in as it all played out, I watched myself wake up horrified to discover that thought of me being killed in a car accident wasn’t even the worst part. In the first layer I was pregnant, and the second I was not. Watching myself realize that and that gut punch feeling … it had all just been a dream…..

I woke unable to breathe and grabbed my big pregnant belly and immediately felt her, kicking and squirming as if to say “it’s ok Mom, I’m still here”… thank god. Thank god for her!

I laid in bed clutching on to my belly, feeling relieved and grateful and also sad for the old me. The me that had to wake up to dreams like that. Wondering what the heck my life would even look like if it wasn’t for her!?? She’s not even here yet and my whole universe already revolves around her. Waiting, and anticipating whatever the world will look like once she’s here!!!

Today, I am 28 weeks pregnant and entering my 3rd trimester!! The anxiety I felt in the early stages of pregnancy is shifting. Still there a bit but it’s muffled by excitement, and also by the list of things I need to accomplish in the next three months. Moments like this jolt me back into it and I’m forced to spend a lot of quiet time with my meditation app. Time for quiet. Time for deep breaths and gratefulness.

Countdown to HER continues. It’s more than a dream, it’s my dream and this time it’s real. She’s real.

pregnancy, TTC

Somebody Pinch Me

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Lately life seems way too good to be true. I catch myself just looking around in wonderment, just stunned that this gets to be my life.

For so long, I split my time wishing, hoping and praying that this fate was possible… and trying to convince myself that I would be ok if it wasn’t. It’s a funny thing when your dreams come true.

Pregnancy is not easy, by any means – but mine??? I really don’t know how I got so lucky. The inconveniences I’ve experienced really don’t measure against the pain and discomfort I experienced getting here. Currently I’m 17 weeks, nearly half way and it’s a mix of excitement, fear, joy and amazement.

I’m constantly researching, asking questions, and wondering to myself how does anyone not just mess it all up!! I want so badly to be a good mom. I just hope that whatever preparation I take now will be enough to get me through all the things you CAN’T prepare for….. I’m sure it won’t, but a girl can dream, it’s worked before! 😂

My first child, my dog Leo…. seems to be finally adjusting to all of this. It’s been a rough month for him and this bump and all the change it’s brought. Animals are very intuitive. When I first got pregnant, even before I knew he became extremely clingy. Then, right around the time we found out we were having a girl his entire demeanor changed!! (Guess he was hoping for a brother!!) He started acting out, being distant and just not really himself. As I said, a lot of change and who knows some sort of pheromone change maybe set him off. Lately though he’s starting to act a little more like himself. He’s even started this thing where he comes up to me, bonks my bump a few times then walks away… as if to say, “hi sis….just checking on you”. Melts my heart.

And this is life. Little moments like this. Moments I’ve only dreamt of. Every bump rub…. every time I see the faces of my husband, and our parents light up with absolute joy as they think about our little one…. every time I pause life and look up, and remember “I’m pregnant!!” …. it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.

I’m somehow grateful, grateful for those years of struggle and pain. Grateful for having lost something so precious that my eyes are fully opened and able to accept and appreciate the beautiful gift that I’ve been given. I’d never choose that life if I had seen it in a lineup, but I’m grateful to have lived through it so that I could experience this one…. be grateful friends!

AngelMom, TTC

Baby Mine

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Sometimes I think about what the future might look like, in whatever world where we get to be parents. It helps me keep going, and also kind of breaks my heart. I wonder … often what it be like, what our kid would be like, who’s nose and eyes they’d have… what their laugh would sound like…. and I think of what it would feel like to hold that baby, feel him or her sinking into my chest as I sing them to sleep…. not to like jinx every birthday candle and dandelion I’ve ever encountered, but that is my greatest and most powerful wish in the world.

There’s always been a very special lullaby I’ve wanted to be able to sing to my little one. On tough nights, I hum or sing it to myself when I can’t fall asleep. I feel the cold salty tears soak my pillow and drift off into a dreamland where things always turn out the way they’re supposed to.

Today, I recorded a version of that lullaby. It took me about a hundred times to get through it without choking up, crying or just completely stalling out… but I did it. This song holds a special place in my heart, the double edge of both comforting me and making me long for a time that I can only I hope lies on the horizon for us.

I’d like to think that by facing this stuff that doesn’t feel so great that I’m proving to myself I can do difficult things and I can at least find comfort in that.

Sharing this with the world is scary, but also very freeing…face those demons that haunt you. Look them in the eye and give them a hug so maybe they’ll stop bullying you…. that’s all we can do!

oxo – Baby Mine

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