childhood – Confessions of an Angel Mom

I know I owe so many blog posts about a variety of topics – I have so many passages started and not completed. Not only for sheer lack of time and energy which is real but also my feelings tend to mutate on these fragile topics with the wind!!

For now, one thing I know for absolute certain is I’ve figured out my favorite part. Of the whole entire thing, and it’s not what you think. Motherhood, is amazing. Incredibly challenging and even taxing at times. My daughter is an angel, she has her moments, but honestly she’s a great baby.

Motherhood, and all that comes with it had been quite a rollercoaster. Today, my daughter is 2 months old, officially and it’s just been a blurry amazing WHIZ of a moment in my life. The speed at which time travels now is insane. Not at all fair, but I’m soaking up every coo, cuddle, snuggle, and everything in between.

Oh yes – the point let’s get back to it shall we?? I figured out the best part. My favorite part about my daughter. While I’m obsessed with her gorgeous eyes, jelly rolls, the adorable mohawk she’s has since she was born, her “taquito” toes, and every single other detail about her…. I have to say the single best part is her left cheek.

I find myself paying special attention to that little left cheek. It’s always the one I kiss every time I pick her up, it’s the one that snuggles right into my own left cheek when we cuddle and when she feels extra clingy and just needs her mama…. that little left cheek, who knew. Sometimes I worry I’m gonna wear that one side down cause i can’t help myself it’s just THE BEST PART!

*pause to kiss left cheek as I rock and type this passage as she sleeps on my chest*

While I’m sure it does, I just can’t help but think it does not ever get better than moments like this… and this is all there is right now!! Thanks to a global pandemic, this is basically the entirety of my existence right now… I mean… there’s a lot of moving cogs to motherhood starting around 3:30 am this morning with our first feed of the day leading back into bed for her and an hour long pumping session for me, my day basically starts at 3:30 now but honesty…. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. A single brush against that left cheek fixes everything…. everything.

For now, that’s it. I gotta get back to that cheek. I haven’t kissed or rubbed my face on it for at least a minute so we’re due here, but I wanted to update you on this beautiful life…..❤️

Current status

Cycle Day: 33
Fertility Treatments: None
Pregnancy Tests: 2, both 👎🏼
Emotional Status: Ambivalence

Lately, I’ve been asking myself WHY a lot. Why do I want this so bad? Why is it not happening for me? Why can’t I seem to feel better about the waiting, and the trying!? Why why why!! That feeling of unknown helplessness is really hard to shake.

And I may have stumbled upon at least part of the answer the other day in the shower. While flushing away the day, and contemplating the meaning of it all…. the following thought popped into my brain. It went something like this:

“You’ve been telling yourself not to give up, and to see this through. At all costs…. but, why is it so important to have kids after all?” …. I paused for a moment…. and answered myself with the following:

I think of my childhood sometimes. My mom was a teen mom, before MTV made it a reality show- it was our reality. She did the very best she could – and miraculously I grew up into a real live functioning adult woman. I love her so much, appreciate everything she did and sacrificed to keep me and to raise me. There was however, a lot that I missed out on as a kid and even then I was at least somewhat aware of it. There was no father in the picture, so just on a very basic level there were things I yearned for that were just not within reach.

So, fast forward to today, I seem to have an invisible list in my head of all the things I ever wanted as a child and I’m in a position to give all of those things to my own children—now! I think there’s a part of me that feels like if I could do that, then any lingering feelings about my own childhood would be resolved.

Whoa??? Hmmmm….. could it be that simple??? Does everyone that decides to have kids already know and feel this way? I feel like I’m late to the party having just come to this realization… better late than never I suppose.

Now, I’m aware that the concept is flawed…. I think everyone has bits of their childhood they wish they could change, erase, supplement or alter, but those are the things that makeus who we are! Accepting your own journey is important. For me, I need to accept that if we never have kids I’ve still managed to give my adult self a pretty awesome life !!

So, in the end this thought process did manage to ease the tension a bit on my own shoulders. I’m trying to give myself a break, and some room to just be.

(And Mom, if you’re reading this… thank you for my childhood, no one’s is perfect, but I know how hard you worked to give me the one I had. Hopefully some day, we can spoil the hell out of your grandkids and make their lives way better than our own!)

Tag: childhood

The Best Part….

Why do you want this so bad anyway???