Tag: assisted reproduction

TTC

The terrible two’s!

Confessions of an Angel Mom

So, I wrote this excerpt about 2 years ago…. just before I got pregnant with my miracle babe!!! It’s so crazy to read it now… on the other side of this rainbow! In a new chapter of this book of ME!

I remember the exact feelings I was wrestling with – trying to find contentment and satisfaction and all the while just beaten down by my broken heart. The heart I never thought would heal… but has. Now that I have a two year old it terrifies me to think that I would have a four and a two year old right now and how very different life would be.

It also pains me to think that here I am on the other side with all my dreams made real and I’m still feeling frustrated and pained that I just don’t have everything – like a tight figure AND my miracle babe! Trying to get my head right so I can lose some of the weight I packed on through pregnancy and the 2020’s (I blame COVID for everything) while also being a mom, wife, caregiver, housekeeper, chef, and whatever else in-between that I AM these days…..

So … while I’m doing that please enjoy a very old passage from past me who I wish I could just go hug and let her know that “YOU’RE ALMOST THERE!!!!”

*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*

And out of nowhere it occurred to me … you’d be two.

I feel like enough time has past since my ectopic pregnancy where my mind doesn’t drift over to my alternate life as much. The alternate life where you exist…. Which is good… and sad. To think of that life, and how different things would be if you were able to stay makes my heart ache. It makes my heart ache as I watch my friends who have youngsters around your age…. makes my heart hurt that after pressing pause on our efforts to conceive for the last year that it hasn’t just HAPPENED now that we are trying again. It’s only been a couple of months, I know…. but every cycle lasts an eternity and each month that goes by with a negative pregnancy test seems to tear a new hole in my already mangled heart.

It’s been two and half years since I lost my first child… it’s terrible, and somehow wonderful. So much GOOD has come from that impossible pain yet I have the hardest time being ok with the NOW of it all.

I want to be content with the beautiful life I have, but I’m constantly reaching for the one I imagine in my heart.

Just be patient they say… the world. Not really understanding that I’ve been practicing THIS patience for 10 YEARS!!! Hubby and I have been married 13 years…. 10 of those trying to start our family!? We’ve almost never NOT been doing THIS!!!! When we took those vows 13 years ago, never did it occur to me that a family of our own would be so challenging and how much hurt would come along with our path….I didn’t know then what exactly those vows would entail. I’d say them again…. but damn.

And one blurry picture of a very happy holiday kiddo… because I made it!!! We’re IN the good part!!!!!!!

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

A slogan to believe in….

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Here’s the thing, typically I couldn’t care any less about football than I currently do. I actually kind of despise it for being so intrusive on my newsfeed when it’s happening and honestly as someone who watches a maximum of one game per annum I just sort of let the whole Kaepernick thing slide over my head and chose not to be involved in any of it. I mean, I’m a white woman who is pretty privileged and has not been subject to much racism or social struggle- “not my circus not my monkeys” sort of thing.

Then this Nike campaign happened…

And people are going APE SHIT. I mean, they’ve technically BEEN going ape shit I’ve just been ignoring it, but something about that quote… really resonated with me.

I came home sick today and woke up with that quote ringing in my ears. It’s the very basis of what my own life has been about for the last decade and that alone— is hard.

I am sure it’s not supposed to be about me… but that quote applies to everyone and THAT is likely the point. Everyone who breathes has something they believe in beyond any reasonable doubt and that one thing will come to define them, their story, their world…. and it’s all very America. It’s the fabric of our country… differences, speaking your truth in a non-violent fashion to effect change?

For me, that “thing” is many things. It’s becoming a mom, losing a child, trying everything in my power to become pregnant again so I can finally KNOW what it’s like for a dream to be made real.

Mostly though, for me it’s time and time is EVERYTHING. This journey has consumed me for 10 years. Ever changing, evolving, growing, mutating. I hardly remember a time when this idea wasn’t the driving force of my whole existence….

With baby making on the back burner these days, I do still hold out a little hope. Each month when the 28th cycle day comes I hold out hope that some seemingly accidental miracle will find its way to me…. and so far, it has yet to. Another month, another negative test and I resign myself to keep pushing through because the battle is not over yet.

I continue to offer up time, more time to keep losing weight. Time to force myself to focus on other things. I live a pretty charming life from the outside, but believe me it’s not without struggle, sacrifice and heartbreak. Some day though…. some day it will all be worth it.

** please remember to be kind and considerate with any commenting.

TTC

Recalculating….

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Today feels very much like the GPS of my life is buffering a new route and I’m stuck in panic on this road that now feels like a wrong turn.

Obviously, Cycle #7 was not successful. And due to-you guessed it-timing I wasn’t able to hop right into a new treatment cycle. Even if timing and other factors didn’t exist, I don’t know how many more IUI’s I’m prepared to complete. More and more I’ve been feeling like IVF may be a better route for us – but the cost– oooh the cost!?! There’s no “set” cost for IVF- each experience is different much like IUI, but now we’re talking tens of thousands not just thousands….

I recently saw an add for a doctor who was offering IVF for $5500- which is a bargain compared to what I’ve seen. Being that it’s been a while since I got any sort of secondary opinion I decided to make us an appointment to investigate.

Today, was that appointment.

In addition to the not so shocking reality that the cost as advertised does not include other required items equalling likely another 5 thousand-ish dollars… there was more disappointment.

Now, given my history I had somewhat prepared myself for what was to come next. This new doctor, was very nice, professional, kind, and informative. But had the unlucky task of telling me some rather unpleasant information.

Due to my weight, IVF at this time isn’t really an option. The mechanics of harvesting eggs from an obese person is very risky and very often yields very few or NO eggs — which would mean wasted effort, and wasted resources only to be let down and disappointed – and far more broke!

Certainly not what I wanted to hear… but important just the same.

This is devastating for me for many reasons. The weight… the weight and I have been at war for… ever. It all feels very hopeless to me in this moment. I’m preparing to rally and become a great hero in all this, so please just hold the “you can do it’s”— today I feel very broken and defeated. If it was possible for me to shed this weight I feel like I would have done it by now- not like I haven’t spent my life TRYING! But… I will find a way to persist. Do something I have not tried before and succeed. I have to. This is all too important.

It means that I’m going to have to get way more help. More than I’ve ever had before. It means I’m going to have to seriously investigate and commit to medical and perhaps surgical weight loss. It means I’m going to have to reroute and refocus my attention to this instead of fertility- which is hard for me to grasp! I’m doing all the math in my head and reconciling all the voices inside so that we can all shuffle toward this goal now that will ultimately align with the other…

Things I know….

  • My problems aren’t unique.
  • My disappointment is not uncommon.
  • My setback is not the first of its kind, and lord… I’m afraid it won’t be the last.
  • My heartbreak is not unlike any other heart breaking anywhere around the world at this very moment…but it is mine, and it hurts.
  • I know I must do this… whatever that means. I must.

For now, I must breathe… I must recalculate my plans and my future.

It’s important to keep things in perspective. Such as, even if I could snap my fingers and have exactly what I am wanting right now- I bet I would still have a feeling of discomfort and dissatisfaction in some way or another. So I must find a way to be satisfied with what’s going on right now and press forward!

I promise to try, to fight, and do to what I do best- never give up! Somehow I’m making a better future even though my present is painful.

TTC

Jenga!!!

Confessions of an Angel Mom

You’re going along, everything is fine. You’re even amazed by yourself. Look at how cool (figuratively of course I’m a veritable hot flash swamp monster right now IRL) and collected you’ve held yourself during this two week wait. It’s almost over, you’re confident and so so sure it finally worked this time!!

Then something happens, or maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s just as simple as you breathed wrong and all of a sudden….. JENGA!!!!!! Alllllllll those emotions you’d secretly stashed so you could live your most positive and hopeful life are CRASHING DOWN —EVERYWHERE. Coming out of every hole in your face! Flying at your poor husband… who kindly reminds you to breath because you’ve neglected to do so. [true story]

The verdict is still out for me on this cycle, I’m running out the clock over here hoping that allll this emotional chaos MEANS something good but the terror and panic that it won’t has somehow found me through all the lovely walls and barricades that I’ve made to keep them out.

The good news, if there is some – is that if my emotions are anything like actual Jenga it all cleans up and restores pretty seamlessly. This moment of turmoil is temporary. I can reassemble it all and the world will all be ok. I’m trying to imagine my world in three by three sections perfectly laid out so that things feel less muddled.

Doing my best to self care by staying in my cocoon today, mediating, sleeping, breathing- of course breathing, and just hoping and praying that I’m still in this and my rainbow is just a heartbeat away!

TTC

Only hope….

Confessions of an Angel Mom

Sometimes I like to sit alone in my house just listening to the clocks tick away the time. The heartbeat of his home we’ve built. I imagine how much it will change when we finally get our wish and it’s taken over by the rumble of clomping tiny feet, screaming, crying, pooping and all the other ear splitting sounds that come along with parenthood….

I hope when that happens I’ll be able to think back and appreciate these silent moments, but not yearn for them. I hope that I never lose sight of how badly we want all of this. I think of that often. As I watch others with their children… they’re tired and they’re weary of wiping butts and boogers, of settling sibling disputes, of everything being sticky and smelly… of never getting enough sleep and catching every illness their kid brings home from school… and honestly I sit on my hands and can’t WAIT to sign up!! I’m sure it’ll all catch up to me some day, but for now I couldn’t be more ready to pledge the sacred Fraternity of Parenthood!

As I listen patiently to the tic tock… thump thump thump of my clock collection I imagine that it’s the sound of my baby’s heartbeat. I know it’s way too early to actually be the case….but something inside feels different this time. It may be in my head, or a side effect of the hormones, but I swear I can feel … something.

Apart from twinges, I’ve been feeling mostly positive; however occasionally I can feel the conflict inside… reminding me of the awful things that have happened in the past and how real the possibly is that they could happen again. When I feel those thoughts bubble to the surface it’s difficult to remember I’m in control of them, and I have the power to banish them. I catch myself just holding my breath and staying completely still so that I don’t mess anything up — but it’s time to breathe! Breathe and believe, that it feels different this time because IT IS…

There’s no room for doubt and fear right now… only hope…

TTC

Hope is like the sun….

Confessions of an Angel Mom

The BIG day! IUI day!! Long awaited– cycle day 19! 83 long days of waiting if you count back to my last period!! Though much longer than I originally intended, this break in treatments has really been good for us. We had our heads so wrapped up in this fertility business taking a step back allowed things to feel new again. Not just a constant drain punishing down on us.

The blood work, hormones, ultrasounds and injections were as difficult and dreadful as they always are, but it all seemed somewhat tolerable to me this time. Granted, it wears on you. I came home today after a long long day and collapsed into my bed for an hour. I just couldn’t propel myself any further without first taking a beat to just unhinge!

Swallowing a deep breath and exhaling the day, I felt happy… accomplished and excited for what might be on the horizon. I may have to do all of this again… and that reality is a little daunting, but in as little as 18 days I might get to feel what’s its like to be pregnant again and this time, we pray that it STICKS!!

In the grand tradition of documenting the wonderful world of fertility– here are today’s photos of my journey!

My lucky charms. Tinkerbell from Dawson to add a little bit of pixie dust luck! My Granny’s wedding ring pendant, I always feel lucky when I wear it, and happy to take her with me through this. My open heart angel, that Dawson gave me for Christmas “from Karate”. I gripped them tight while I lay there the prescribed 15 minutes with my legs propped up… and many times throughout the day. Saying silent prayers hoping that this time will be different!!

the alarm I set to remind me to leave work for my IUI. ✨🤞🏼✨

Just a girl… who hopes to have gotten knocked up on her lunch break.

My awesome IUI day socks! A great friend and comrade in fertility got me a pack of awesome Disney socks to wear for my ultrasounds and IUI… I highly recommend. Not only do your toes get cold hangin in those stirrups but they’re fun… and fabulous… and certainly lucky!

At the close of this day, I’m really thankful to be given the chance to TRY again… for so long things felt so dark and suffocating. Now I feel like the lessons have been learned, hope is restored, and just maybe… things are going to work out! Even if they don’t…it’s another opportunity to learn some shit, and try again! We must press on, we must keep the faith, and we must keep the dream alive– lessons we hope to teach our kid some day!

Stats

  • Insemination -Cycle day 19
  • 5 days of Femara oral hormones
  • 11 days of injections
  • 2 dominant follicles, 2 backups
  • 6 ultrasounds
TTC

Lucky Number 7

Confessions of an Angel Mom

We’re doing this! Gearing up for our “lucky” number 7th IUI Cycle. I was ready to start up treatments again about three months ago, but due to scheduling and then waiting for my lady bits to get the memo we are finally on track again! Finally after a 64 day long cycle I am ready to go!!!

Since we began treatments in 2016 we’ve completed 6 IUI cycles. I like to take photos of myself on IUI day, to look back on and remember what state I was in on any given cycle. I love these photos, I like to believe I look the most pretty when I’m ovulating- it’s a very primal thing and going into this, our 7th IUI I gotta believe we are just 1 cycle away from making our dreams come true!!!

Lately,I’ve had difficulty reconciling my feelings and getting myself on board with the COST of all this. I’ve even found myself trying to find ways to skim off parts of the available treatments to save money. The last 3 cycles have run from $2000-2500 due to increased dose of injectables. Ouch, literal and figurative there!

It’s hard for me to watch others accidentally get pregnant while we throw all of our money at my fertility doctor in hopes that one of these times it will work, and STICK! Now, I do realize everyone’s plans have NOTHING TO DO with me… but it still hurts beyond measure sitting on the sidelines as I watch and cheer for everyone else.

After so long of this, the stress, the money, the emotional hurt— we needed a break, and so did our pocket book. We took a few months off and instead took trips together, talked about our focus, plans, held each other tight and remembered what it was like to not have our entire lives spinning on a hot plate- a hot plate called infertility.

So here we are now, at the starting line again. Blood work, ultrasounds oral hormones, and today the start of injectable hormones that will hopefully generate some good eggs for our IUI in a week or so (depending on growth, my cycles tend to run a little long).

The reality is, this is what WE have to do, to make our dream of adding a child to our family. This is what it looks like for us. It’s hard, it’s emotional, and it’s expensive… and it “is what it is”. I believe that this will work!!! I have to.

I believe our baby is on the way. Our baby is hurrying as fast as possible to find us. 2018, my hopes rest on you!

  • Cycle Day: 10
  • Treatments ongoing: 2 follicle scans
  • Preliminary blood work,
  • Femara 7.5mg/days 3-8
  • 3 viles HMG injectable daily
  • Mental State: Cautiously Optimistic
TTC

Shoulda Coulda Woulda’s and other things that still hurt despite a Wonderful Life.

Confessions of an Angel Mom

I’ve been having a super hard time sharing lately. Some of you may have noticed I’ve been abnormally quiet lately. Trying to figure out my “spin” on some frustrating feelings and it’s a tough thing to pin down.

We’ve made some choices lately, awesome, exciting, selfish and fun choices that are not in any way fertility serving or related. I’ve been having trouble allowing myself to be happy and confident about them. We deserve to have fun and do things that make us feel happy, remind us why we love being together and make our bond stronger…. but in making those choices we removed other opportunities and choices regarding future fertility treatments.

We’ve spent the last 8 years trying to get pregnant- and for the last year of that it has been the primary focus of our lives…. and it’s HARD!!! It’s mentally and physically taxing. We’ve suffered loss, and somehow at the end of that difficult year we are and aren’t closer to reaching the finish line. We know now IT CAN HAPPEN now….. but the questions and challenges still remain and I find myself wondering WILL IT happen more often than I care to admit.

This journey is one of pain, longing, stress, and a lot of telling myself to be stronger and more positive than I may actually be. I want to bring light and positivity to others…. but at the same time there are so many days where I just can’t get it up for the world and I just want to feel frustrated and angry that for some reason the universe continues to withhold the last missing piece and I can’t for the life of me figure out WHY!!!!! Despite so many other amazing things that may be going right— this one missing piece haunts me.

Meanwhile, when I look up from my own journey I feel my heart break wide open for others that are fighting their own battles that are totally different than mine. I tell myself to “suck it up” and shame myself for indulging my feelings because others “have it so much worse”…. and while all of that may be true…. one journey cannot possibly be measured against another.

Every journey is unique and no one else is strong enough to move the mountain that has been assigned to you. It’s grueling…. and all the more laborious if you don’t allow yourself to experience what you’re feeling and constantly suppress and stifle yourself for the sake of putting up a brave face.

So in the end…. this life is pretty great. There’s so much here to be grateful for… and sometimes despite all of that I still hurt, and I must keep pressing on! However I can…. 

AngelMom, TTC

A girl with a secret

Confessions of an Angel Mom
  • Cycle Day: 15
  • Treatments: 3 follicle scans to check egg growth process, IUI scheduled for this week!!
  • Meds: 225 IU HMG (7 total), HCG injection to trigger ovulation
  • Mental State: Calm, Ready.


This photo was take last November, right after I found out I was pregnant. Weeks before it was all ruined by an ectopic pregnancy resulting in emergency surgery, losing my baby as well as a Fallopian tube.

At that moment though, I felt so mischievous knowing such an important amazing thing… that I could share with no one…..

Oh who am I kidding. We were bursting at the seems!!!! We didn’t tell everyone– but we did blab our big news to a handful of people. Mostly people we’d been sharing or struggles with. Infertility and treatments are so isolating– all you want is for people to understand what you’re going through and to feel valid and supported in your choices it was so nice to finally have something GOOD to share with those people!!!

We decided not to tell our parents, not yet anyway. We had already sort of planned to get both my husband’s parents here for Christmas and I knew it wouldn’t be TOOOO hard to get my mom here so we’d wait until Christmas to put together some magical way of telling all of our parents at the same time.

Along the way, there were a few people who were surprised at our decision to share so early on “oh it’s too early!! You should wait til after the first trimester” WHY I thought!!??? It did not even occur to me that early loss could be our reality all I knew was that THIS WAS IT…..

And then it wasn’t.

If someone shares with you that they’re pregnant please don’t question why they’ve told you– at whatever point. They’ll probably spend the rest of their lives thinking they jinxed it…. because that’s what you’re saying.

Plus, if the unspeakable should happen— it’s your job to be there for that. In whatever capacity they need you to be.

I wonder daily if I jinxed my baby… and I wonder when I get pregnant (because I will!!) — if I will jinx it again!? I doubt I’ll keep my pregnancy super secret in the future because throughout this journey I have found such comfort in sharing the experiences and growing a cheering squad that would make any sports team green with envious rage— and why wouldn’t I share the good stuff too!!! That, and also because I need support. I need people in my corner. Celebrating, and praying and sending all those good vibes into the world! Live in this world with me, please.

Please recognize that If someone shares their life with you, they’ve picked this time and this place to be truthful, even if it hurts. Even if it doesn’t turn out like it should. Please don’t judge people for craving that connection and letting you in.

For now, we are going into the following week with our insemination scheduled, hoping, praying, and willing for this time to be IT!! I don’t know when I will feel open to sharing more news, but when that time comes I trust you will be there….

TTC

Liquid Luck!

Confessions of an Angel Mom
  • Cycle Day 9
  • Treatment: Sonohystogram – YOUCH!! 
  • Treatment: Follicle Scan- 3 measuring 12-14 
  • Medications: 225 IU HMG injection 
  • Mental State: Relieved, Excited

We just recently re-binged the Harry Potter series and I swear, for this day you would have thought that I’d been chugging some Liquid Luck serum!! Expelliamus Infertility!! 

I had a big day at the ‘ol fertility clinic, one I’d been dreading in fact. I agreed to have a very expensive and painful scan done today to make sure that my baby factory didn’t have any defects that might be preventing Little Baby Loudon from setting up shop.

I’ve had this test done before so I was very aware just how painful it is. In 2014 I had several polyps removed from my uterus and this scan was to make sure they have not grown back— and Hallelujah thank you Baby Jesus they have not!!!!

In anticipation of a good clean report my doc had already started hormones so that if we got the green light we’d be right on track to continue on to IUI- which we are!

He did a scan of not only my super awesome free of polyps uterus, but also checked in on both ovaries which are busy making follicles (pre embryos) which when big enough will be triggered by injection to all ovulate giving us as many chances as (responsibly) possible for us to conceive on this cycle!!

Tonight also marks the start of injections, and that went great too!! Thanks to hubby who’s become quite skilled at stabbing me in the booty with a large needle! Joy!!

That’s all I’ve got for tonight.

For this day in my life, things went according to plan and it doesn’t get better than that!!
fingers crossed everyone

🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼