Really challenging things, like being nice…to me.

I’ve e been really really rough with myself lately, for about the last 34 years …. give or take. I already feel a bit fragile, with the 1 year milestone of my loss looming. I have just been a total asshole to myself and it’s gotta stop.

It’s a thousand tiny blows… usually about nothing. I tend to turn my pain into laughter and no one is better at laughing at themself than me… but at what cost?? Over time some of these jokes really aren’t jokes. They’re the things I feel but don’t want to say, so I make a joke about it…

Deflection is a very real coping mechanism… and the jig is up. Time to deal with this stuff in a real way.

I want to feel better and BE better, so I’m trying this new thing… being nice to me. It involves goal making, baby steps, acknowledging myself and my tribe, things that make me feel, and following through. For today I set some totally achievable goals and it went pretty well….

Do something your future self would appreciate.

My goal was to complete a workout. I’ve struggled with my weight… for as long as I can remember. Literally as far back as memory goes, it’s been there. Struggle, self doubt, failure and defeat. It’s not something I can change in one day, but I can make a choice every day that serves my purpose of feeling better about it. So, for today I will complete a workout-and I did! I used my desk elliptical at work, and walk/jogged a mile after work. Even as I write this, I find myself wanting to justify why it’s not more….exactly my point. Seriously?? Aisya!!! Stop it, just be satisfied that you checked this box today! You’re a winner!!!!

Acknowledge something ordinary that felt really good today.

My husband cooked dinner. It was simple, it was ordinary and it was awesome! Gave me the time and freedom that I needed to complete goal mentioned above. It was the perfect level of support and love that I needed.

Next, acknowledge something nice someone has said to me.

One of my amazing friends payed me the nicest compliment this weekend. I swerved and deflected it–but luckily for me she called me out and made me eat that compliment like preverbal vegetables and LIKE IT!!! How lucky am I to have people in life that will do this for me. And damnit, I DID look hawt that day.

Being nice to me is so foreign… and I know it’s what needs to happen! Treating loss and infertility with sarcasm, guilt and shame is not an option.

Acknowledge something you feel.

Lately, I feel anxious. There’s not really another way to describe it . I feel anxious in anticipation of feelings that MIGHT happen. I’m worried that any particular thing might make me sad and upset about not being pregnant, or losing my baby 1 year ago.

I’m stressed, about potential future stress… how frustrating. As much as I would just love to move past it, let it go, and think of something else… it just has not been that easy for me.

I’m doing my very best. This life is just something I have to work at…

If you’re reading this….thanks for being part of it.


Emotional Landmines 

I was racing through Walmart the other day. I had a random list of things to acquire, and I had ping pongged all over the store a few times to get them. I was getting ready to leave and realized I forgot something way at the back of the store, so I doubled back one more time to get the last missing item from my list. I cut across the center of the store and without thinking, I walked right into the baby section of the store and it stoped me dead in my tracks. 

Infertility will cause you, sometimes even subconsciously to avoid certain people, places and things just so you don’t have to deal with how they make you feel. The baby section is one of those places for me. 
I remember before we lost our baby, the first and only time I got to visit this magical land as an expectant mother. It was right after we found out we were pregnant, and before the ultrasound that ruined it all. I was so happy. A bit overwhelmed as I’m sure every mother to be is, but so thrilled to be there for myself instead of everyone else! I’ve “baked” a gaggle of diaper cakes, gone to a thousand kid birthday parties, baby showers and for once I’d get to feel what this was like!! I remember tearing up and texting my friend what I was doing. It all seems so silly and arbitrary but to me, that moment was everything.

Now, standing in the baby section I felt my knees start to give and I the tears start to swell up in my eyes  recalling that special moment in time before things got so complicated.  I wondered if I will ever get to have that feeling again… and suddenly felt like all eyes in the store were on the crazy lady about to lose it at a Walmart and I hastily bolted out of there. 

These are the moments I try to hide from. It’s not always Walmart… sometimes is people in my life that make it hard for me to live this infertile life. I can’t explain it, and it’s hard to defend myself when it happens because I know it’s not fair, and I feel guilty for even feeling the way I do. 

The pain, and grief that is loss and infertility is the most complicated and confusing thing I’ve ever encountered. Chances are, if you’re reading this you know the struggle or if not, you know someone that does. It’s is difficult to know how to handle this very fragile friend. The best thing you can do is to be there, quietly and carefully and without trying to fix anything. Just be here, and be gentle. We are the most broken , fragile and fierce creatures and we just want to be understood and accepted, just like you. Isn’t that what we ALL want, in some way? 

I crave acceptance and validation. We all have hidden emotional land mines and try as we might to navigate our lives to avoid them, eventually we’re going to forget where they’re hidden and have to deal with a blowout.  As for me, I’m still trying to figure out how to responsibly deal with my issues without emotionally injuring myself or others. Results vary, and that’s is ok too. 


Clear Blur

Yes, things are clear and I am somewhat blue. 

I mean, I am and I’m not. I predicted these results. They certainly make sense at least, unlike so many other times where we went to hell and back and everything seemed SO CERTAIN only to get this brand of result. 

This time is a little different. 

Only having one round of troops into battle I knew going in that the odds were not ever in my favor here, but along with everyone else my stupid brain reminds me about the age old adage that “it only takes one” … and I still held out some secret hope that this could actually happen to us. I attempted the double reverse fake out jinx tactic where I tempt fate to prove me wrong by giving me what I actually want!! Fate apparently, is on to the double jinx.

So I’ve been trying to strategize my next move. Are we still on treatment break? Do we try naturally? Do we take a month completely off? What?…. Let’s check the old calendar and see what’s up? Now, if Aunt Flo shows up in the next day or two like she’s supposed to that’ll park my next fertile window…. aw crap. 

Amazing hubby landed an awesome new job this week! It’s been part of the reason that last cycle was so unimpressive. It really is difficult to “try” to get pregnant when you have many other things going on, and I get that. Being that we had already declared a bit of a break I didn’t force the issue like I normally would. FERTILITY OVER EVERYTHING is usually my stance, but this month I just kinda let it happen- or not in this case which is fine. It was very much worth it! I’m so excited for this new opportunity for hubby, it’s so nice to see him happy about something again.

New job starts November 1st and the first day wil be served in San Francisco smack dab in the middle of fertile window. Shit. The entire window he will be gone. There’s no acceptable scenario where I piggyback and go along on the trip- even if I could swing it logistically how awful for him would that be to be starting a new job, meeting people at headquarters and also having to be on call for doin’ it??? Yah no… the answer to my query has now been revealed. 

Here’s the thing. 

It’s not ideal. Sure. It’s not part what I want certainly, but at this point I can look at this and MAKE it the plan for this cycle. I can deal with any awful thing, if it’s part of the plan. It’s the unexpected curveballs, and left field nonsense that derails my lovely plans and expectations that really make my head spin. So, for at least the immediate now – this month we’re off. 
We are REALLY off. 

For the first time in almost a decade I won’t have to worry about any of this. I won’t have to try to fake out my lady parts or the universe. I won’t have to remind myself to have hope- cause it only takes one. No charting, forced intimacy, symptom spotting, no driving myself crazy and NO nonsense.
It’s going to be a good month for distraction, which I should have plenty of thankfully, but it will not break me to really BE on break. 

  • Cycle Day: 34
  • Tests: 1 ⛔️
  • Mental State: Sure, whatever. 

Guess what????

Ya know what kind of sucks? Having good news. Cause anytime you have good news to tell someone, or manage to get excited about something you can tell that whomever it is you’re about to spill beans to will think you’re pregnant… It’s like, I should just lead with “and no we’re not pregnant”… but I don’t. There’s always this giddy anticipation hanging in the air… you can feel the disappointment deflate like a balloon when they realize that we aren’t… still aren’t.  I’m guessing that just reading the heading of this post the balloon is deflating even now as you realize that GUESS WHAT— I’m not pregnant. 

We’re nearing the end of the 1st natural cycle on this little mini break, and I’m just not thinking anything about it. Sure sure — it’s POSSIBLE. We managed to put one point on the scoreboard when the end zone was hot (how’my doing on the old sports metaphors????) I just don’t know that I believe…. after EVERYTHING we’ve been through that it’s gonna go down like that. But hey— I would LOVE to be proven wrong! In fact, I’d much rather be proven terribly wrong than to pour all my hopes, dreams and wishes into this cycle and have to pick them all up again and reassemble them when it all comes crashing down…. many people don’t get this.

Most people haven’t had to pick up all their pieces and put them all back together month after month… year after year. It’s been 8 years…figure 10-12 cycles each year… that’s going on 100 times I’ve had to convince myself that this will all work out. This will all be worth it. I deserve this. I can do this. I still want this!! And I do… but also I’m tired and worn the hell out. 

I will say this, and end on a positive note— I have caught myself enjoying the freedom of the mini break. I’ve enjoyed occasional alcohol, been careless with my supplements, gone to Disneyland twice, and have looked at my fertility calendar no more than once a week (as opposed to several times daily)…. it has been nice to shift focus even though my one track mind tends to steer me back here it’s not all bad! 

  • Cycle Day: 28
  • Treatments: None
  • Days to expected AF: 5
  • Mental State: Meh… I know that’s not really an emotion… but it’s what I am right now. Meh!


The next life….

Sometimes rest evades me. As much as I long for sleep, rest, and a world where things don’t hurt quite so much… sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

Often on these sleepless nights I find myself drawn to a hot shower in the pitch black. Lighted only by whatever moon happens to be shining valiantly through the high window of my shower… tonight was no different. A glorious crescent moon, with bright glowing edges hung deep in the heavens playfully smiling at me as if to say it would all be ok… sometimes the universe really does try it’s best to lift my tired spirit.

Brought a thought to my mind… recently, in a moment of what we’ll call “weakness” I sought out a pregnancy psychic. Curiosity got the better of me really, I can’t explain why else I would seek this sort of thing out. One thing she said (through her broken Italian to English translation, that is) was the spirit of my unborn child was on its way, but still trying to resolve its “unfinished business” (again the translation was a little spotty I’m guessing that’s what she meant) so that it could be incarnated into the next life (aka my child)….. Do I believe this sort of thing ??? I dunno…. 🤷🏻‍♀️ there’s a part of me that would like to??? The more logical.. rational part thinks it’s hooey— but since I can’t pinpoint an actual logical reason for this madness…. fantasy it is.

Looking at this magnificent moon shining down into my window tonight I wonder what that spirit might be up to? What’s keeping it from coming my way? Where is it? Is it possibly under the same moon as me right now? Living some alternate life before heading to me?? Does it see us?? And how much we want it to be here with us??

I dunno… on a particularly low Wednesday the thought is somewhat comforting and also a bit melancholy.

If this sort of thing bares any truth… I sure hope our time is approaching. I sure am exhausted from carrying this load, pretending like it doesn’t hurt-despite my efforts to be true-there’s still a lot of hiding in the shadows I dare show.

Goodnight moon, and goodnight to whatever or whomever it is I am waiting for.


Shoulda Coulda Woulda’s and other things that still hurt despite a Wonderful Life.

I’ve been having a super hard time sharing lately. Some of you may have noticed I’ve been abnormally quiet lately. Trying to figure out my “spin” on some frustrating feelings and it’s a tough thing to pin down.

We’ve made some choices lately, awesome, exciting, selfish and fun choices that are not in any way fertility serving or related. I’ve been having trouble allowing myself to be happy and confident about them. We deserve to have fun and do things that make us feel happy, remind us why we love being together and make our bond stronger…. but in making those choices we removed other opportunities and choices regarding future fertility treatments.

We’ve spent the last 8 years trying to get pregnant- and for the last year of that it has been the primary focus of our lives…. and it’s HARD!!! It’s mentally and physically taxing. We’ve suffered loss, and somehow at the end of that difficult year we are and aren’t closer to reaching the finish line. We know now IT CAN HAPPEN now….. but the questions and challenges still remain and I find myself wondering WILL IT happen more often than I care to admit.

This journey is one of pain, longing, stress, and a lot of telling myself to be stronger and more positive than I may actually be. I want to bring light and positivity to others…. but at the same time there are so many days where I just can’t get it up for the world and I just want to feel frustrated and angry that for some reason the universe continues to withhold the last missing piece and I can’t for the life of me figure out WHY!!!!! Despite so many other amazing things that may be going right— this one missing piece haunts me.

Meanwhile, when I look up from my own journey I feel my heart break wide open for others that are fighting their own battles that are totally different than mine. I tell myself to “suck it up” and shame myself for indulging my feelings because others “have it so much worse”…. and while all of that may be true…. one journey cannot possibly be measured against another.

Every journey is unique and no one else is strong enough to move the mountain that has been assigned to you. It’s grueling…. and all the more laborious if you don’t allow yourself to experience what you’re feeling and constantly suppress and stifle yourself for the sake of putting up a brave face.

So in the end…. this life is pretty great. There’s so much here to be grateful for… and sometimes despite all of that I still hurt, and I must keep pressing on! However I can…. 


Rest, Repair and Rebuild

Today, is Cycle day One… and I hardly have words for it. There were lots of signs, symptoms, and it felt like the world was finally set right and things were aligning perfectly just for me!! So for my AF to show up today just seems a bit cruel and unfair.

We failed….

And there’s no explanation, no refunds, no redemption.

It’s a bit of a gut punch. Coming off the high of a wonderful vacation with my love, with the hope that later this week I would finally get my BFP (big fat positive)… only to begin my period a few days early is a hard pill to swallow.

I’m doing my best to remain positive. It’s easy to be grateful, I know how very lucky I am to have this awesome life, as well as a caring and considerate parter to hold my hand through it all. But I can’t explain away the hurt, disappointment, and numbness that comes with such repetitive failure after trying as hard as we do.

Dreams sometimes take their time coming true. Sometimes your heart gets broken… and you have to Rest, Repair and Rebuild. Never Give Up.

For now… the only cure for this broken heart is Star Wars, chocolate, and a nap!