AngelMom, Weight Loss

Kisses from Heaven

So I’ve been sprinkling in workouts to my routine now that I’m past all the diet transitioning on my current program. One thing I do is try to jog/walk on my lunch break. I figure I only have a few of those lunch time jogs left before it gets so hot here that your face melts off!!!

Today, I set a goal to jog 1 whole lap around the building without slowing to walk. I almost made it all the way yesterday so I wanted to see how far I could push it if I made that my goal. I did it!!! That success felt great! (Difficult but great!)

I was feeling really empowered. Focusing on saying really nice things to myself during my run like:

  1. Look how strong you are!
  2. This is something you could not do when you started!
  3. Look how far you’ve come!
  4. You’re such a badass!
  5. You’re going to be such a great mom someday (and here’s where it gets squirrely)
  6. I bet Karate is proud of you, wherever he is
  7. You’re making every choice you can to make sure you never have to send anymore babies to heaven…..

And then I looked up…. and saw this.

Anyone that knows me well, knows my grandma always had this funny thing where she’d say “X’s in the sky are kisses from your loved ones in heaven”. I always laughed at her, until she passed away and now I always think of her when I see them.

At that moment though… my heart sank and I knew that particular X came from my baby in heaven.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cried through the rest of the run. I struggled to put one foot in front of the other and that was the end of any goal crushing I may have had planned for this run. New goal— Complete my 30 minutes and not make eye contact with anyone in the parking lot passing by.

It’s been a minute since I had an emotional outburst, in general, and about my loss. I truly feel like I have been healing and feeling much better about everything. But in that moment, everything I’ve ever felt about it caught up to me and hit me out of nowhere.

It’s important to feel through those feelings– and keep saying those nice things. I’m never going to be “over” what happened. I think about it every day. Maybe someday I won’t… but for today I’m breathing and feeling through the sensation of loss, longing, transitioning, growing, and yes… knowing I’m doing everything I can to create the best future I can have!

Weight Loss

Motivating the Un-Motivatable!

Time for an update!! So much has changed! I’m three weeks in! Three weeks into my medical weight loss journey! It’s been TOUGH, but oh my god you guys I am not only watching my body change before my eyes, but also so many other things are changing too!

I’ve tried to lose weight my whole life – too many times and fads to count! Some more successful than others, but all ending in falling off the wagon, gaining the weight back, feeling more awful and rejected than ever before.

When I am in a slump, I feel completely Un-motivatable! This time felt a little bit the same, but oh so different! The timing wasn’t great. I wasn’t in love with the plan. I didn’t buy all new work out clothes to insure I’d go to the gym…. and basically did nothing that I normally do when I focus on weight. Sometimes, I guess you just have to take a leap as scary as it is and change up EVERYTHING and believe it’s going to end differently because it started differently.

The main thing that motivates me are results- no matter how big or small I’ve ALWAYS been about results. Be it time off my run/walk, extra stamina, weight loss or whatever it is! I gotta have results to press forward!

I’m excited to share some amazing details about my progress!! Please keep in mind my program is medically monitored and I’m certain there are medical weight loss resources in a town near you!! I highly suggest this to anyone!!! It’s the only thing I’ve ever done that has WORKED!!!

Week 3 Progress:

  1. I have lost over 5 inches off my midsection!
  2. I have lost 22lbs in 3 weeks!
  3. I am no longer able to binge eat large quantities of food! (I’ve tried to bank my food for evening meals a few times and it’s backfired, as I wasn’t able to eat it all! Things I would not have believed if you told me 3 weeks ago!!)
  4. My Glucose level went from 109 to 82 in TWO WEEKS!!!!!
  5. I was able to stop taking Metformin! (Anyone who’s taken it knows it’s awful! Major bathroom issues with this med and I’m overjoyed to breakup with it!!)
  6. I feel great! I’m the girl who needed a nap in her car at lunch to make it through the day! Now a lot of that may have to do with the fact that I’ve been pumped up on fertility hormones for some time and those are all long gone now–but I’m sure a lot of it was this weight and the foods I was eating!
  7. I’m voluntarily working out! Nothing super strenuous at this time and workouts aren’t required on my plan– but I want to and it feels great!!
  8. I’m no longer winded instantly! This one’s huge for me!!
  9. I am rarely tempted to actually cheat. Sure stuff smells good… and I see delicious things all the time, but when it comes to actually “cheating” somehow I’ve managed to stay on the straight and narrow!

10.) Lastly…. my final result/reward is this photo.

The photo on the left was taken at the beginning of December, and the left this morning!! There are no words.

(But I’ll try to find some anyway)

Nothing feels better than tangible results…. and knowing you’re changing your life for the better! I was in the deepest darkest hole… and now I’m here and I believe that this time will be different, truly.

DISCLAIMER:

I can’t share the specifics of the plan, my doctor has very strict rules about sharing the program. If you’re interested in the details, I suggest you find a medical weight loss specialist in your area. If you’re in the Phoenix area message me and I will get you in contact with my doctor.

TTC, Weight Loss

Hello there!

Well it’s been a little over a month since I last posted here! In that time I’ve completely disassembled everything I know to be true and have started putting it all back together again. I feel like I’ve run away to some very far away hideout to sort through my feelings and perhaps I’m ready to peak out of the cave now…

When I started this blog, I wasn’t quite sure why I did, who I would be speaking to and what I would want to say exactly…. I’ve written about infertility, loss, anxiety, treatments, self reflection, and above all … HOPE. One thing I know, is that none of this is possible without hope. And sometimes, that hope is real hard to find and/or recognize when things get tricky.

My journey has turned me down a different path, as journeys often do. I’m tasked with losing what amounts to a hundred pounds and likely more! In order for us to continue our efforts to start our family, this is the only way. There are plenty of reasons to be on this path, but in all honesty none of those reasons hold a candle to that one. I should “want to do this for me”… but that has never been enough, and now just hearing that statement is just aggravating. I could be fine with me… but the thought of having to give up my dream of motherhood, NOW… now that I’ve held it in my grasp and had to watch it slip away!?? That is something I’m not prepared to do. At all costs… I must succeed. I’m not doing this alone. Unlike in the past when I have tried and failed, I have a team of professionals beside me to ensure that this time it will not fail.

I can’t go into the details of my current plan/program. It’s medically supervised weight loss and I’ve signed an agreement not to disclose the program as to prevent anyone from trying to mimic the plan without supervision. I can say that it’s very aggressive, and extremely restrictive — but damnit it’s working like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my very long history of battling obesity!

The process of changing my focus, and reframing my world has been dreadful. I’ve felt very reclusive, judged, frightened, and confused. Most of which was obviously coming from that pesky internal monologue I try so hard to ignore, but some of it does come from the outside world. Lots of opinions, suggestions, and comments from well meaning onlookers. Each one causing me to question everything in a world where I’m already spinning with indecision and doubt. Sometimes, less words, more listening, hugs, or a kind smile, work wonders.

I needed quiet.

So I took it. I took time to seek out my own truths, examine my heart and determine what path to pursue. Some of the people closest to me have hurt me in the process. Was it their fault? No. Not hardly. This process is painful, I’m a walking construction zone – hard hats and safety gear should be worn when dealing with me!

I’m starting to see great results and feel the confidence and relief I have been missing! I look forward to sharing progress as it comes, as well as successes and trials I may encounter along the way!