Weight Loss

If things are tough…. keep GROWING!

Today’s random rant is sponsored by a crippling diet plateau!! For the record, my last Weigh-In SUCKED!!! As did the one before that! Normally I weigh in every two weeks and the expected number is between minus 2-4lbs per week… I lost a grand total of 1b in 3 weeks and it is just the pits!!!

Here’s the thing… please hold all your “oh, but 1lbs is great!” – “at least you didn’t gain” comments cause they’re rubbish right now. Just don’t! Damnit shit is hard at this stage of the game!! I’m so near the end and truly, it’s my own fault the weight hasn’t been coming off. Truth be told I have stolen “bites” of forbidden food from my finished-with-the-diet-husband thinking a bite couldn’t possibly matter… well I’m here to tell you- IT DOES!!! It does matter, because I’m not just casually trying to lose weight! This program is brutal – brutal to be on for a stretch this long and the longer I allow forbidden food in my face -even at nominal amounts the longer it’s gonna take!!

It’s a vicious cycle, and goes something like this:

Me: Gets frustrated and/or jealous of [husband’s] non diet food contraband, steals a bite.

    Bite throws me out of Ketosis – yes even A BITE!!!!
    Ketosis takes up to 4 days to achieve
    After bite of contraband I play by the rules for several days — we’ll say 4 of them….
    Gets back into Ketosis – yay!
    Steals a bite of forbidden food
    DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!

And so it goes…. and yet even with all the frustration– I’m so proud of how far I’ve come!! Which makes it even harder!! I’m told by at least one person every single day how great I look or some other such raving about my changing figure! It feels great – but with each compliment it seems less and less dire for me to continue losing weight!! Ain’t that a bitch!!! 😂

The positive take away from my weigh in, was that I was according to the doc I’m in the largest Ketosis there is… and I intend to keep it that way!!!! I do feel suddenly more motivated to push away from off-program food, just knowing I AM in full Ketosis and I do know how to get and keep it. I just have to be more disciplined.

Today my Facebook reminded me of this old memory, from about 10 years ago. This is my lowest of the low before photo. I don’t ever remember looking this way, and I sure don’t ever want to again. I’ve come so far, and I didn’t come THIS far just to come this far!!!

This journey is one of transformation in every sense of the word. I’m healing, my body and my soul too! Learning how to process feelings in a more constructive way, not translating my feelings into food is a big part of that. I’m learning how to speak, finding my voice and the volume of that voice too! I’m learning to protect my energy, and what it takes to do that. I’ve had to let go of a lot of things to live in the skin I have now– including people that no longer serve a positive purpose. Growth is HARD, exhausting, painful and wonderful…..

And lastly, finding out that YES… I can do this. All of it.

For anyone struggling, for anyone fighting, for anyone hustling to grow into their new future self … I see you. Keep going.

Weight Loss

Motivation is a Myth, and other big FAT lies

I started writing this post several months ago. Likely, saw something shiny and never made my way back to until today. I was saving a draft of something ELSE I’ll probably circle back around to much later than intended and saw this pending draft just sitting there. I don’t even remember writing it… I do that a lot. Sometimes I just gotta purge some troublesome thoughts. Sometimes, I have an idea or thought, but it’s not quite there yet and I think that was the case for this one. I cackled out loud at some of this and decided it was high time to come back around to pick up where I left off…

*time machine sounds*

The skin I walk around it today I feel pretty fabulous!! I’m now hauling around precisely 110 less pounds than I was a year ago. I still have a ways to go to meet my two final weight loss goals – release for getting pregnant and hitting ONEderland. *[Future Self is hauling -128lbs and both goals are now 12 & 22lbs within my grasp, respectively!! Yus!!!!]

I can fit into mostly regular sizes now. I feel pretty great most of the time and it’s overall been an awesome change!! I have however learned some pretty mind blowing shit over the course of the last year… and of course I wanna tell you about it all!

1.) It’s not gonna look or feel like you thought it would. I lost 100+lbs, and I’m still obese. I’m still a bigger girl, and there are problem areas I have to work on. Not everything is “fixed”. I still feel tired as hell some days and I still love naps– I don’t NEED them like I did before, but it’s not a perfect science. There was a time where losing even a fraction of what I have seemed impossible, and so magical like it would solve EVERYTHING… it hasn’t. I still got issues, and I’m still gonna have some when this is “over”.

2. Skin is the largest organ of your body. Skin is a big deal when you go through rapid weight loss – it’s not just for TV it can be a real problem. Hanging skin is a real thing. At the end of all this, removal may be a thing…. but it’s for future me to deal with. [Future-FUTURE Me even! I’m still not at the stage where removal is on my plate to deal with yet]

3. Wait was I hideous before???? People notice me now. I’m vocal about my weight loss, in life and on social so I get a lot of comments. Most people are kind enough to express that they liked my looks before, which is nice but hey I’ve seen the before photos — I was a dump truck. [😂😂😂 re-reading this comment about myself I laughed out loud! You should too… I mean I’m so damn funny] The comments make me laugh. They make me smile. Make me shrink into awkwardness, but mostly it’s all very humbling, the fact that anyone stops to to notice me is a sheer delight. I’m learning to be less awkward… but it’s a work in progress!!

4. Motivation is a lie! Yah I said it. Someone had to! People tell me all the time “oh you’re so inspiring” “you’ve got such motivation” and every time I wanna scream and be like “YOU FOOOL!!! I would straight up END ANY ONE OF YOU if I was offered payment in the form of a sprinkle donut right now!!!!”…. I am not always motivated and I’m not always strong. There are real moments of weakness, shame, fear and frustration that accompany every step in the right direction!!!

5. Weight loss anxiety is a thing. Personally, I have some level of anxiety. It’s mostly in check, and I’m aware of it which helps, but it’s heightened at times in my weight loss journey. I worry I’m gonna screw up. I worry that I’m not gonna lose enough at my weigh in. I worry that I’m gonna gain it all back…. I worry. A lot. I don’t celebrate as much as I should because I’m worried I’ll get too comfortable and slide back down this slippery slope. It’s scary, and exhausting and at times suffocating.

So, there’s the short list of things I wish I would have known before… not that I could have possibly understood but… No one warns you about that stuff so there you go!!!

Hopping back in here in the future now…. funny right??? It surprises me sometimes, my own inner voice sounds like an outsider at times but, I like her… she gets me.

I’m so stupid close to being done. I feel so grateful that I’ve been able to stick to this and finally know success in weight loss. Hopefully I will also know what success in parenthood can be like too! 🙏🏻🌈✨

Weight Loss

Under Pressure

I’ve been pushing against it for at least a week now. Amidst a variety of other factors and issues I just haven’t been able to keep my head in straight, for about a week now. Scaling back my workouts, trying to meditate and make time for self care… but nothing seemed to help.

Pressure. Thick…. suffocating pressure beating down on me. If there’s one thing I have learned in the last year, it’s that any weight loss journey comes with it’s own maze of anxiety and pressure. Sometimes that pressure provides motivation, and fire and I am usually able to USE THAT!! Typically I can convert it into helpful fuel to propel myself further on this dusty road! After all, as they say — no pressure, no diamonds!

BUT this?? This pressure??? Building up, climbing the walls and cracking the seams of my soul….. this is anxiety dressed up in costume parading around as a pressure I can’t possibly tame.

On Tuesday, I woke with a migraine… most likely as a result of lazy hydration. So, I excused myself from work and closed my eyes tight against my pillow. I could still feel my brains throbbing inside my scull…. but somehow I drifted off to a dreamless sleep.

When I woke the headache felt better, but the anxiety and panic I felt was at a rolling boil. I knew I would need to get up, get up and go downstairs… near the kitchen where the food is. And I’d have to make choices.

I do everything I can to make those choices easy. I prepare my food, currently I’m only eating once a day to try to combat a stall on the scale and ongoing will power obstacles. But today… today I need it to stop.

I sat on the couch ignoring the kitchen at my back…. but after a while it felt like even the walls were vibrating.

When anxiety strikes me like this, it’s rare but usually there’s typically always something to be done. A choice of some kind that makes it stop. I knew what it was, and I’ve been fighting against it. I AM SO CLOSE! So close to ending this stage of the game!! BUT I can’t get there if I’m fighting myself every step of the way. It’s time for a break.

I called my Diet Doc and got approved for a break, and all at once the vibrating anxiety quake settled.

It’s not a perfect science. But sometimes, you just need to break and allow yourself the room to breathe and JUST BE! A few days of flexibility should do me good!!!!

Final thought: I sound like a broken record, but listen to your insides…. sometimes they tell you things you don’t care for, things you don’t like to hear– but it’s far easier to embrace the info and find a way to accept it than spending your time and energy fighting it!! You’re doing better than you think you are so give yourself a break!!

And also THIS!!!

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

Fight the good fight!

If someone would have told me, that I would have to go through the most devastating heartbreak in order to end up on the path that leads to my best life… I don’t know that I would agree to that??? Would any of us?? Really?? I mean, especially not if we actually knew the depths of that devastation– who would be on board for that kind of turmoil!?? Certainly not me….

Yet, here I am about two years after that most terrible event thinking to myself … is it possible to be grateful for that?? Never would I ever imagined that ANYTHING good or positive could come from all of that pain!?!? So much has changed, so much unexpected joy and accomplishment has come from that one event that tore my whole world apart…so that I could have the chance to build a better one. And make no mistake, if that loss had never occurred the life I have now could NEVER have been realized.

    I am over 100lbs lighter, husband is 170lbs lighter!!!
    I have a stronger bond with my husband having gone through, loss (emotional and physical)
    We have learned how to eat- so we can teach our kid(s) the things it took us a lifetime to learn!
    We’ve both accepted therapy and gotten emotional support with handling loss and anxiety – we are stronger for this!
    We’ve had to fight for the life we want. I tend to think we will be more appreciative of it when it gets here.

So it’s true what they say, “sometimes things have to fall apart, so better things can fall together.” It’s never easy to accept, and it’s gonna hurt like hell all the way there, but it is a beautiful thing once you realize you’re on the right path.

I long for the life I had to give up. However, I’m learning to use that longing to my benefit. I use it as fuel for the fire that I need to get to the finish line, instead of letting it burn down my spirit and consume me.

I’ve fought too hard, risked and lost too much to give up any ground now!!!!

For those that are fighting for your best life — keep fighting. Keep notes, for every micro victory rejoice and be proud. For that’s the best and hardest advice to follow!

TTC, Weight Loss

Deal… or No Deal

Hey!! It’s been a minute!!!! It’s been several actually since I had enough headspace, clarity and wit to compose anything worth publishing. I have all of those things now, so here we go.

I had a pretty rough week. It wasn’t all bad, it wasn’t great but it was rough. It was emotional, I discovered some shit and I’m happy to share- as usual!

To update, at this point in my weight loss I have lost 106lbs and it’s FUCKING AMAZING! It has been 11 months, I’m off all the pre-diabetes meds and watchlists, my cholesterol and blood pressure are all in the perfectly normal ass kicking range, and my A1C was 4.9 – so I am ALL GOOD when it comes to those boxes that had been needing check marks. But, I’m still not done. I haven’t met my overall weight loss goal of -170lbs and I’m not at the waist measurement yet to complete the program.

I’ve known for a while now that I was going to ring up shy on the 1 year time goal that we set upon starting this thing and I think subconsciously I’ve allowed that fact to bum me out and slow down my weight loss. I’ve allowed a series of smaller cheats and leeways in the plan just to keep from falling completely off – which shows progress, but is still not awesome. Hey, you do what you can to survive but I’m capable of more.

This week though, I felt particularly low. My husband finished the program last week and is now going into maintenance mode… of course he is – men can sneeze and lose 10lbs!!! I’m ridiculously proud of him and so thrilled he has been beside me the whole way on this–none of this is easy and he’s been SUCH a champ!! My hero! That being said, it’s tough watching him be able to have regular food now at will while I am still on program.

Adding to the perfect storm of meltdown madness was the resonating fact, that when we started I gave myself an end point of 1 year. 1 year to lose all the weight I need to lose in order to get pregnant…. and here we are within 30 days of that and I know I am about 70lbs shy of the goal.

There was a time when just thinking of losing 100lbs was like a fairy tale! Like if I could just do that everything would be solved!!!! Yet — here I am and still have a mountain to climb before I can be done. Trying to figure out how to get to the end and how long it’s going to take from here — I just found myself digging in a giant hole I couldn’t get out of … I broke.

“Everyone else gets to move on accept for MEEEE!!!!” ….

…. the words vibrated off the walls of my brain and I just lost it. The tears could not be stopped. It’s hard. It’s hard to keep clawing and fighting. I’m tired, frustrated, and worn the hell down.

For someone who’s ultimate goal weight is … pregnancy…. this is all just too hard sometimes. Sometimes you have to break to break through… and that’s ok too.

I broke at the best place I could, the diet doctor’s office. We had a long talk, I cried, then I asked questions, questions I hadn’t been brave enough to ask before and she gave me answers. And more than that, she gave me a plan. A goal… and a deal- but we’ll get to that!

Turns out one of the things I’d been missing was a micro-goal. I have had this huge mountain of weight to get through and have been swinging for the fences just collecting pounds and throwing them into the “finished” pile. Now that I’ve lost more weight than I have left, I’m on the downhill slope now so I need something closer. Something that I can see, that I can TARGET and move toward. I have that now.

The deal— Diet Doc could see the desperation and pain in my eyes. “When doc!?” *pause, wiping away tears and snot* “When…. when will it be enough for us to TRY again!??”

[she asked us in the beginning to wait until we lost the weight to try for baby again]

She flipped through my chart, looked at me with tears in her own eyes… choked them back and handed me a tissue and continued flipping…. after a few moments of puzzling she looked up and said “I have a deal for you, do you want to take it?”

Oh geez does she think I’m nuts? What if the deal is 1 more year of this? What if the deal is “sure try but eat nothing but broccoli for the rest of your life!”???? I dunno man….. I paused and must have nodded yes.

“The deal is”, she continued — “Take 2 Days. Go eat whatever you want. No limitations…. just get it out of your system. After those two days are up it’s GO TIME! I want you to give it EVERYTHING YOU HAVE And after 30 days if your weight is acceptable (she did give me a # and it’s attainable y’all) you’ll have my blessing to start trying again.”

Deal.

That one interaction was all the things I needed.

Compassion. Understanding. Support. A GOD DAMN GOAL. And some real motivation to achieve it.

So, here’s my advice…. in case you want some – from the non-expert!!

  1. Make some “deals” with yourself – you get a little something you GIVE something! It helps!
  2. If it’s part of the plan you CAN do just about anything.
  3. You’re not going to accidentally succeed (at least not consistently) so make some goals micro and macro ones and crush em!!
  4. Give yourself the room you need to breathe and then go get it — whatever IT IS.
  5. Tell everyone. I’m not that person that can quietly carry on just crushing their goals in silence. So I say tell the world, get cheerleaders cause you’re gonna need em!! Goodness knows my cheerleaders have a full time gig and I’m grateful for every one of them! ❤️

AngelMom, TTC, Weight Loss

A slogan to believe in….

Here’s the thing, typically I couldn’t care any less about football than I currently do. I actually kind of despise it for being so intrusive on my newsfeed when it’s happening and honestly as someone who watches a maximum of one game per annum I just sort of let the whole Kaepernick thing slide over my head and chose not to be involved in any of it. I mean, I’m a white woman who is pretty privileged and has not been subject to much racism or social struggle- “not my circus not my monkeys” sort of thing.

Then this Nike campaign happened…

And people are going APE SHIT. I mean, they’ve technically BEEN going ape shit I’ve just been ignoring it, but something about that quote… really resonated with me.

I came home sick today and woke up with that quote ringing in my ears. It’s the very basis of what my own life has been about for the last decade and that alone— is hard.

I am sure it’s not supposed to be about me… but that quote applies to everyone and THAT is likely the point. Everyone who breathes has something they believe in beyond any reasonable doubt and that one thing will come to define them, their story, their world…. and it’s all very America. It’s the fabric of our country… differences, speaking your truth in a non-violent fashion to effect change?

For me, that “thing” is many things. It’s becoming a mom, losing a child, trying everything in my power to become pregnant again so I can finally KNOW what it’s like for a dream to be made real.

Mostly though, for me it’s time and time is EVERYTHING. This journey has consumed me for 10 years. Ever changing, evolving, growing, mutating. I hardly remember a time when this idea wasn’t the driving force of my whole existence….

With baby making on the back burner these days, I do still hold out a little hope. Each month when the 28th cycle day comes I hold out hope that some seemingly accidental miracle will find its way to me…. and so far, it has yet to. Another month, another negative test and I resign myself to keep pushing through because the battle is not over yet.

I continue to offer up time, more time to keep losing weight. Time to force myself to focus on other things. I live a pretty charming life from the outside, but believe me it’s not without struggle, sacrifice and heartbreak. Some day though…. some day it will all be worth it.

** please remember to be kind and considerate with any commenting.

Weight Loss

Memoirs of an Awkward Girl….

Oh my gosh– sorry I feel like it’s been 5ever since I had the time, topic and wherewithal to compose a blog post!! For that I’m sorry!!

Today, today was pretty neat.

I’m currently down 78lbs and today I must have picked the right outfit to showcase this thang because I felt like every set of eyes that passed me had to stop and gush about my weight loss! Thank YOU skinny jeans — sheesh that was a lot more attention than I bargained for!!

Don’t get me wrong — I’m stoked that I’m still consistently losing weight and it’s obviously showing! The thing is I personally, am lousy at accepting compliments!!! I turn into THE most awkward girl ever!!!

I don’t know when it started or why this happens and I know I am sure not the only one – awkward girls everywhere UNITE!!! I really am trying to figure out a graceful way to accept all the attention and praise– but it’s so tricky!!!

I will say this, to the many people that have personally reached out to me and shared your stories, your triumphs, failures, fears and ultimately support and praise — THOSE are the things that keep me going. I never in my wildest dreams would think this thing I’m doing could touch someone else and to hear that it has!?? Well that just is a priceless gift. Thank YOU all for that.

As for me, I have a bit of a time patting myself on the back at this juncture because I’m only about half way to my goal! I still have SO FAR to go!!

Now wait – hold on internet moms of mine everywhere. I know your gut reaction is going to be to tell me I need to celebrate and rejoice all the tiny wins that equal up to this momentous weight loss but honestly, I’m just trying to stay focused and humble so I can see this thing through!!!

This point – this weight- is the point that i have never been able to surpass. I get here, something happens- I revert back to old ways and it all goes downhill! That won’t be happening this time. I’ve approached this all so so differently time, but the fear and angst still looms that somehow I’ll screw it up!!!

So, in light of such a lovely day of compliments, praise, and raised eyebrow glances I just say thank you… and keep on trucking down this road!!!!

oh, and here’s a progress photo in case you wondered what 78 pounds looks like!

Trying on Jeans at Maurice’s, they fit. Not as well as I’d like but it’s still a huge win. I never fit in their pants before and now I wear a size 20-22! Skipped right over their largest size and making my way down!!

Start (March) vs tonight post workout! I’m a hawt mess– emphasis on the HAWT! Hahhaa