TTC

The Best Part….

I know I owe so many blog posts about a variety of topics – I have so many passages started and not completed. Not only for sheer lack of time and energy which is real but also my feelings tend to mutate on these fragile topics with the wind!!

For now, one thing I know for absolute certain is I’ve figured out my favorite part. Of the whole entire thing, and it’s not what you think. Motherhood, is amazing. Incredibly challenging and even taxing at times. My daughter is an angel, she has her moments, but honestly she’s a great baby.

Motherhood, and all that comes with it had been quite a rollercoaster. Today, my daughter is 2 months old, officially and it’s just been a blurry amazing WHIZ of a moment in my life. The speed at which time travels now is insane. Not at all fair, but I’m soaking up every coo, cuddle, snuggle, and everything in between.

Oh yes – the point let’s get back to it shall we?? I figured out the best part. My favorite part about my daughter. While I’m obsessed with her gorgeous eyes, jelly rolls, the adorable mohawk she’s has since she was born, her “taquito” toes, and every single other detail about her…. I have to say the single best part is her left cheek.

I find myself paying special attention to that little left cheek. It’s always the one I kiss every time I pick her up, it’s the one that snuggles right into my own left cheek when we cuddle and when she feels extra clingy and just needs her mama…. that little left cheek, who knew. Sometimes I worry I’m gonna wear that one side down cause i can’t help myself it’s just THE BEST PART!

*pause to kiss left cheek as I rock and type this passage as she sleeps on my chest*

While I’m sure it does, I just can’t help but think it does not ever get better than moments like this… and this is all there is right now!! Thanks to a global pandemic, this is basically the entirety of my existence right now… I mean… there’s a lot of moving cogs to motherhood starting around 3:30 am this morning with our first feed of the day leading back into bed for her and an hour long pumping session for me, my day basically starts at 3:30 now but honesty…. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. A single brush against that left cheek fixes everything…. everything.

For now, that’s it. I gotta get back to that cheek. I haven’t kissed or rubbed my face on it for at least a minute so we’re due here, but I wanted to update you on this beautiful life…..❤️

TTC

A Birth Story

I figured I better write it all down in case one day I can’t remember every detail…. as if one could forget.

My due date was approaching and though every day of that last month felt like it’s own tiny eternity I was not really any closer to going into labor on my own. Thanks to my “advanced maternal age” (36 apparently makes me OLD AF) the doctor told me she would encourage induction on or around my due date. A thought that early on, made me kind of anxious. I had wished (back then) to spontaneously go into labor on my own — however thanks to a global pandemic in conjunction with feeling like I’d been pregnant for 84 years —— I got over that pretty quick and was more than ready to get things moving!!

I mean… this is the face of someone who was SUPER ready to be done being pregnant!!

Taken the night before my due date….

We “scheduled” induction for my due date of April 9th, and due to the additional restrictions from COVID19 that meant that as soon as the hospital had a bed for us they would call and we’d have to rush on in. This call was supposed to come some time between 6am on the 9th or by 6am in the 10th. We were so excited the night before. We ordered takeout, had the house to ourselves, and spend the majority of the time giggling and telling each other fun stories from our own childhoods and just being in awe that we’d soon be parents!!!!

The following day…. we waited. I had an ultrasound in the morning – one where we laughed as Luna refused to participate in any kind of photo opp… for our last ultrasound the one and only souvenir would be this very detailed photo of an ear….

We spent the remainder of the day equally divided by napping and staring at my phone willing the hospital to call us…. which they never did! Finally when my eyes popped open on the 10th at 6:01am I had enough and decided to call them myself. We were apparently next in line, and were asked to be there in an hour! Fire drill!!!! Go time!!

We hustled ourselves ready- half awake – and the anxiety began to set in, for both of us! Months… YEARS had been building to this!!!!!!

We arrived at the hospital and checked in, settling into our birthing suite around 8am. I LOVED our day shift nurse Alex! She was just awesome, very encouraging, entertaining and supportive of my goals to deliver naturally if at all possible! We came up with our action plan to get things started and began the waiting game!

Now, I’ve heard horror stories about Pitocin, and needing additional interventions so I asked if we could try some other things first before we jump to that one and happily was obliged. We settled on 25mcg of Cytotec which was a tiny pill they insert next to the cervix to help encourage dilation and effacement. I was already about 80% effaced and 2cm dilated at checked in.

After that we hung out, chilled, it was pretty boring actually…. but at about noon…. Dawson was cracking a joke about something and all the sudden I felt it…. SLOOOOOOSH…. “Uummmm …. either I just peed the bed…. or my water broke!!! Can we get Alex in here to verify!!!!” Lol that little nudge was all it took to get my perfect natural childbirth rolling!!

I had been in bed/monitored for about 6 hours when I finally had hit a wall. I needed UP! I negotiated with Alex for some non-bed laboring —- and a snack which I desperately needed!! She brought me a birthing ball, and saltines and peanut butter, as far as I’m concerned she’s a literal angel!! Both items were WONDERFUL!!

Contractions were steady at that point and I was handling them so much better on the ball than in the bed! I used 4/6 breathing technique for this stage breathing in for 4 seconds exhaling for 6 seconds and doing very little talking. Music was playing and I was just very focused. Dawson would come sit on a stool behind the ball and hold me or rub my shoulders …. we kind of ROCKED at labor!!!!

The next phase I was checked and had dilated to about a 7 and the contractions were starting to feel way more intense! Upon their suggestion I took some IV pain meds to take the edge off and hopefully curb any need for an epidural. 🤞🏼

It was about that time that the nurses changed out and I had to say goodbye to Alex and welcome in the new nurse that would help us welcome our baby, Alicia. Alex was so sweet, she told us as she was leaving that if it wasn’t her only day off she would have stayed and dula’d for me — she really was so sweet. I’m sure it was partly due to her encouragement that I was able to make it through labor without that epidural!!

Now once those super intense contractions hit I switched to vibration breathing. Sticking to the 4 second inhale but vibrating my lips making a soft sound on the exhale. Very effective for pushing through those sharp contractions.

Now…… once I hit 9cm dilated. I forgot how to human. I forgot how to breathe…. and I was just plain ready to grab my pants and head out the door!! I have no idea how I made it through after that point but I did! The kicker was, Luna had turned herself a bit and they wanted to get her in a different position for birth so… they asked me to get up on the bed, on all fours and labor for a while to encourage her to turn….. oh sure yah no problem!! 😳😵 Not that I was super concerned at the time, but there really is no graceful or lady like way to execute this maneuver and I can only imagine what it must have looked like from the “goal face”…. I was basically crowning at that point!!!

No clue how long I was actually stuck there in doggy style labor … but looking back now the remainder of it all went pretty quickly! At some point they had me flip back over and the stirrups came out and it was time for “practice pushing”. Again, still not knowing how to breathe or human at this point I just remember crying and whimpering through every contraction.

I do remember overhearing some conversation between Dawson and the nurse about pushing, and his reply was something like “yah I know she totally has a few more of those in her”…. to which I said “the fuck I do!!!!” One of the only verbal things I actually said during labor! lol

A few of those “practice” pushes and I remember screaming that I felt burning and it was right at that moment the doctor came in with the oven mitts to catch! I think I did a total of 4 big pushes …. and she was out. Purple…. chubby… adorable and amazing!!!

Luna Mae…. 8lbs 9oz of perfection

It’s true what they say, as soon as the baby is out the pain stops! Thank GAWD!!! Delivery of the placenta was super easy because I was staring at my daughter and they could have done ANYTHING to me at that point and I wouldn’t have noticed or cared!!

The one part of labor I really hadn’t counted on was tearing. I believe my contractions were pretty long at the end so they had me push super fast causing a 3rd degree tear and a gaggle of stitches – she literally ripped me a new one!!! lol I’m thankful though the healing has not been horrendous. Painful for the first 2 weeks really but not bad after that and I had full range of motion and was able to walk directly after birth. I even walked myself out of the hospital at discharge because the wheel chair was taking forever!

The whole thing was pretty amazing.

I got to have the birth that I wanted. The one I worked for, and prepared for. I spent the last several months of pregnancy focusing on meditation, mindfulness and preparing myself to be flexible for whatever birth Luna needed, and it was perfect.

Honestly it feels like a lifetime ago – real time it’s been 3 weeks and change. Time is now the weirdest thing. I get lost staring at her…. trying to remember what life was like before her…. motherhood is the scariest, most wonderful journey of my life!!

I can’t believe I get to be her mom!

Our very first selfie 📸
TTC

Once Upon A Time Warp…

One thing is certain…. at any moment… of any day ever, everything you know CAN change. One day you might wake up and find that everything you’ve ever dreamed has suddenly come true! That day…. is this day for me.

It blows my mind to think back just one year and how very different things were for me. One year ago I wrote a very difficult passage, about Mother’s Day. My heart was broken, I wanted to believe that good things were coming, but after a decade of things never being different and enduring so much heartache, it was really hard for me to just keep believing! Looking back now, it’s probably one of the best things I’ve ever written. I was proud of myself for being able to share the grit of it all yet still somehow find the hope I needed to keep pushing on.

https://confessionsofanangelmom.com/2019/05/12/my-mothers-day-wish/

Today… I look back in amazement one year later. As I frequently do, I wish I could go back and talk to my past self. I wish I could look her in the eyes, and give her a hug and let her know it’s all going to work out- or to keep pushing because you’re almost there!!!! Today, as I peel my eyes open for a 3am feeding … I am a mother!!! My daughter is a mere 3 weeks old, but here I am. On the other side of the rainbow…. and the view is spectacular. I wish I could let my past self know…..

It’s impossible to quantify the emotions and reality that is motherhood. I no longer have any concept of time… all the time before her is now compressed behind me. Just like I had always wished, I can finally close that chapter and that book. The one where we just have to wait, and blindly hope that things will work out because in our case they did! We did a ton of work to make our dreams come true – and at the end we decided to do the work knowing that life, and the universe would deliver the outcome it knew we needed and they may look different than the life we had imagined.

I’m so thankful that I wrote during the hardships we faced. My brain might have archived what it was like to go through that and I’m glad I will always remember the struggle and pain we endured to get here. Life is forever changed, and though it was filled with so much pain – I would do it all again to know the absolute euphoria of watching my daughter drift to sleep on my chest – the only place she cares to sleep.

To anyone struggling to make your dreams come true… I’m living proof that sometimes dreams do come true. Keep believing, keep fighting to make a life you can fall in love with. Tell the Universe to what you want… put it out there and let it figure out the details for you… and love yourself hard while you wait because you’re worth it!

pregnancy, TTC, Weight Loss

Sliding into a New Year

It usually takes me about a week to really figure out any New Year… between the last of the holiday commitments, chores, cleaning and resetting plus all the work holidays thrown in I literally can’t even find my feet until that first week of January is over.

This year is no exception, and it seems more scattered and chaotic than it normally is- perhaps cause there’s two of us here now trying to figure out the New Years grove??

I’ve felt very chemically edgy lately, which is new. I’ve seen some emotional spurts and a few random mood swings with pregnancy but honestly it’s been a pretty smooth road so far. Lately though, it’s been building…. Very small things, and even some unexpected large things have really thrown me emotionally and I’ve had quite a time sliding into the new year with all of that gurgling inside.

I’ve amped my meditation time up, at the urging of my heath advocate and like it always does (and I’m always skeptical somehow) it helped tremendously. I don’t know why I resist that tactic so much, maybe because it seems like something so simple like ones breathing and inner monologue shouldn’t be so powerful… but it totally is.

Today I woke with a clear head, and laced up my shoes for a treadmill session. I haven’t been completely absent with my fitness since I got pregnant, but between the holidays, feeling physically trained and now emotionally drained I just haven’t had it in me. It felt great. A little annoying how all that lovely stamina you build up when you’re in it goes away if you “fall off the wagon” but it was more about taking that time to reboot and just get a check mark on the day for me.

I don’t typically care for New Years Resolutions – usually because they’ve been the same for me for years! Lose Weight, and Get Pregnant…. And this year… well?? I did it right!? I’m probably always going to be one of those people who has to think about and constantly work toward keeping their weight in check, but at least I know how to do it now.

My main goal is just to be a good human. Be a good example of what I want my daughter to see in the world, and be better. Be better than I was the day before.

So far, today I’ve done that.

Typically in my life I care too much and devote too much energy into stuff that DOES NOT MATTER or serve me…. I’d like to do less of that…

While searching for an inspiring quote… I found this and it made me laugh out loud!! I mean aren’t most of us???? I relate to this so hard!! 😂😂😂

TTC

The WHY I write…

Three years ago…. I wrote from a hospital bed. I wrote because I was broken. I wrote because I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t bare to keep it in anymore. I decided that to suffer silently wasn’t only too much for me to carry, but it’s not fair to every other woman, man, couple that struggles with infertility who feels like their voice doesn’t matter. That their struggle should be kept silent.

The first time I ever opened up about our struggle:

I truly don’t know why it feels like we should keep our struggles to ourselves. Maybe because a lot of it deals with sex? Your personal life? Being vulnerable? Expressing feelings, feelings of failure?? Not wanting to bring down the mood??

So many of us who have walked a difficult road- whether it’s infertility, cancer, depression, anxiety, whatever the case may be — I bet you know this feeling. We keep quiet for a variety of reasons — some real, some imposed upon us by society. I didn’t know then the impact my writing would have, I just knew I needed to get it out. These feelings, this fight was a toxin in my system and I needed it OUT!!!

I began to write publicly about our struggles with conception, and loss and have for the last 3 years. It is hard. Just going through it is hard. There is so much you just have to figure out by trial and error, by failure, and by hoping others are sharing their experiences so that you can learn from their pain and failure without having to put yourself through that too!!! That’s why. That’s why I write.

A lot of it is self serving, the whole getting the icky thoughts out thing is real. But, for me every time I read something relatable I feel less crazy and I wanted to be able to give a little bit of that back to others that may need that level of comfort too!

Today, the life I’m living seems more like a dream than a nightmare. I mean, don’t get me wrong, even in infertility there’s a lot to be proud of, thankful and excited about in my life – I designed it that way! Spending a whole year with a Disneyland Annual pass sure made that particular year of healing palatable! But it doesn’t negate the fact that a lot of those years were spent struggling, worrying, crying and just generally being frustrated that I was locked in a phase I couldn’t seem to escape. Sound familiar??? So many struggle with some THING that makes you feel like you can’t move forward!! It’s a horrible feeling.

Looking back on it all now, where the view is sweet… it just takes my breath away. All those times I hoped and prayed that it really would all be worth it … not knowing if it truly would…. that, that is the real nightmare. I feel lucky to have survived it all, and to be able to provide any kind of comfort, insight or hope to anyone else is the real service.

For anyone fighting.

I see you. I hear you, even if your voice is quiet. I say keep fighting!! And if you can– turn that volume up. Whatever you’re fighting, you’re not alone. Someone else is clawing against the same demons, and sees themselves in YOU I guarantee it….

TTC

Retraining My Brain….

Sometimes it’s weird, like I live in this weird alternate space where I FORGET that all my dreams are in the process of coming true!!

A day like today probably would have CRUSHED MY SPIRIT HARD in my past life! Let me explain, after work I came home and I’m scrolling through the old internet (Facebook) and in the space of about 10 posts I swiped past 3 separate pregnancy announcements!!! Damn! Poor past me had MANY days like that… and they HURT. I’m still getting used to having a positive emotion when I see that in my feed instead of the preloaded one that used to happen!!

The other day, I walked into the ladies room and there were two women in line – both pregnant… one leaving the stall… pregnant and one washing her hands with her daughter — also PREGNANT. OH!! And me??? “OMG ME TOO – I’M PREGNANT” I thought!!!! How weird, that the first thing I thought of was how a moment like that might have destroyed me in the past. It’s so weird.

The last little story I’ll share, was on Halloween. I was dressed as Chewbacca handing out candy in the front of the house so my poor doggy didn’t go bizzerk every time the doorbell went off, and the neighbor lady came over to introduce herself. I’d never spoken to her before, she’s the mother in law of the gent that lives there. We’ve met him once, and always politely wave to him… even if he’s not wearing a shirt and letting his belly roam free for all the world to see…. 😳 In general though, we are not the “get to know your neighbors- neighbors…. ” so when she came over I was surprised, but friendly. She asked if we had kids, and as I felt the usual response start to come up I realized this was the first time I would actually get to answer this question differently — in over a decade!!!! I get to say YES!!! “Oh! I’m actually pregnant!” I exclaimed and no sooner did the words come out did this complete stranger start coming at my bump with her massagers! “Be cool” I thought, I mean she was old… and nice enough but it was a little odd having a stranger rubbing my belly in pure daylight on a Thursday…. just part of the gig I suppose and I’m here for it!!!

These things, these little moments are exactly what I’ve been waiting for- even if I didn’t know it!! It’s all just a crazy dream to me sometimes, one I better never wake up from!!! So many wonderful moments to hang on to in this, the most wonderful time of my life… that is until April. When it all gets exponentially more awesome-er!!!!!

I feel like I’ve been locked in the same chapter of a book for so long. Stuck in a bad dream… and all of a sudden everything has opened up and feels so much better! This chapter, of this life feels pretty great!

pregnancy, TTC

Somebody Pinch Me

Lately life seems way too good to be true. I catch myself just looking around in wonderment, just stunned that this gets to be my life.

For so long, I split my time wishing, hoping and praying that this fate was possible… and trying to convince myself that I would be ok if it wasn’t. It’s a funny thing when your dreams come true.

Pregnancy is not easy, by any means – but mine??? I really don’t know how I got so lucky. The inconveniences I’ve experienced really don’t measure against the pain and discomfort I experienced getting here. Currently I’m 17 weeks, nearly half way and it’s a mix of excitement, fear, joy and amazement.

I’m constantly researching, asking questions, and wondering to myself how does anyone not just mess it all up!! I want so badly to be a good mom. I just hope that whatever preparation I take now will be enough to get me through all the things you CAN’T prepare for….. I’m sure it won’t, but a girl can dream, it’s worked before! 😂

My first child, my dog Leo…. seems to be finally adjusting to all of this. It’s been a rough month for him and this bump and all the change it’s brought. Animals are very intuitive. When I first got pregnant, even before I knew he became extremely clingy. Then, right around the time we found out we were having a girl his entire demeanor changed!! (Guess he was hoping for a brother!!) He started acting out, being distant and just not really himself. As I said, a lot of change and who knows some sort of pheromone change maybe set him off. Lately though he’s starting to act a little more like himself. He’s even started this thing where he comes up to me, bonks my bump a few times then walks away… as if to say, “hi sis….just checking on you”. Melts my heart.

And this is life. Little moments like this. Moments I’ve only dreamt of. Every bump rub…. every time I see the faces of my husband, and our parents light up with absolute joy as they think about our little one…. every time I pause life and look up, and remember “I’m pregnant!!” …. it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.

I’m somehow grateful, grateful for those years of struggle and pain. Grateful for having lost something so precious that my eyes are fully opened and able to accept and appreciate the beautiful gift that I’ve been given. I’d never choose that life if I had seen it in a lineup, but I’m grateful to have lived through it so that I could experience this one…. be grateful friends!

pregnancy, TTC

Shock and Awwww!

Hey people!!!! Sorry it’s been a while- In truth I’ve written a lot of passages that aren’t ready to share (they may never be), but I knew it was time to share some of this amazing journey!!!!

Currently I am 14 weeks 2 days pregnant!!! Yaaaas!!!! So many super important and awesome things have happened in recent weeks!!

  1. I made it out of the first trimester! YAS!!!
  2. I completed the genetic testing which all came back negative!
  3. And we found out we are having a little girl!!!!! Squeeeee!!!!

The first big milestone, to have completed my first trimester. HUGE!!! I find that I am able to do more things now that I didn’t allow myself in the first several weeks – like breathe! I swear I held my breath for 3 months and I feel just a little bit lighter and more calm with each day that goes by. I’ve been careful not to worry away this pregnancy – as much as possible, but getting through those early weeks was tough! I’m sure it’s something like that for every mom, especially the ones who’ve known loss — it’s a really scary thing. One I wasn’t expecting. I never factored in all the anxiety and worry I would encounter once I finally got what I’d been wanting all this time!! It is lifting, and I truly am reveling in this beautiful experience and for me it really is that!!! I have been so lucky!!! Baby girl has been so sweet to me! No morning sickness, and I’ve even had some energy back and have started going for jogs again which is something I sort of halted immediately when I became pregnant only partly because I was tired AF — but mostly I just couldn’t bring myself to move or do anything that might “shake the baby loose” or something. It’s nice to feel a little more like me again and not be so scared to just BE for fear this would all end! All in all…. I just feel thankful and wonderful to even BE HERE!!

The 2nd milestone, completing genetic testing was one I had been dreading to an extent. We decided to just do the basic level of testing and as long as it came back clear we would forego the more invasive testing. I had a really hard time even agreeing to that. What if something came up??? What would that mean??? Well, to me…. not much. Some parents would chose to end a pregnancy if something unfavorable is shown on these results, but as long as the condition wasn’t life threatening we are in this no matter what!! Or what if they DID discover the baby wouldn’t survive outside the womb…. ugh! Just breathe and know that the universe has you!!! That’s all I could tell myself while going through it and waiting for results! Happily we got the all clear and it’s just one more step toward this wonderful dream we get to live out!!

And lastly… finally the drum roll of waiting to find out our baby’s gender!!!!!! The week before this was the NT Ultrasound and we got a sneak peek at everything… including what Dawson and I both thought was a little boy part!!! Admittedly, we aren’t professionals and the ultrasound tech wasn’t looking for that or outspoken about her suspicions so we just kind of made our predictions and went along our way!! I thought FOR SURE it was a boy!!!!

Fast forward one week to the big ALL Grandparents on deck 3D gender reveal scan! We found a place that does elective only scans with viewing room for up to 8 and were so excited to be able to share the moment with all our parents that we even booked a limo!!! Cause why not!!!? We’ve waited a decade – why not really blow it out!!! The tech was really amazing, gave a brief tour and within 5 minutes she had us looking right up my daughters skirt and I knew instantly.

“Can anyone tell what it is” she asked….

“It’s definitely a GIRL!” I said in shock and nearly out of breath.

“YES! It’s a GIRL!!” She exclaimed and the room erupted with cheers and tears.

Turns out what we thought we saw was probably the cord tucked between her little legs and there’s really no doubt I have a daughter on the way!!!! A daughter!!!! Up to this point I always thought I would have a son. I’m familiar with that, having helped raise my brother. I felt like boys were less scary, you know not having to deal with the whole period and boys factor…. but I tell you…. as soon as I saw those little neon words “it’s a girl” pop up on the screen I felt all those fears just melt away! Dawson clenched my hand and looked so happy! News to me, he had been HOPING for a girl all along!!!

I think I’m still in a bit of shock, but I am ecstatic to be making myself a tiny best friend to share this life with and I can not wait to meet her come spring!! I’m so lucky, and grateful… and happy. I couldn’t have asked for a better pregnancy so far and I only hope it continues on this path!! One day at a time, and thank you to all who’ve strapped in and come along for this journey thus far! It’s been a wild ride and I just can’t wait to see what the future has in store for me, my love, and my tiny princess! 💖🦄🌈

TTC

100 Questions

So….. *trumpet fanfare* the news has recently dropped. I. AM. PREGNANT!!!! After a decade of trying, 8 fertility cycles, one failed/lost pregnancy, losing a fallopian tube, and after tearing down and rebuilding whole pieces of myself … I get to be pregnant.

For my current fertility warrior followers I know this may feel like a betrayal or abandonment and for that I am so very sorry. I know the feeling too well. The isolation and depression of any pregnancy announcement no matter how deserving still feels like a gut punch.

The only thing I can hope for is that as I unfold my story, that anyone who needs to will find hope and comfort that miracles DO HAPPEN, and if they can happen to someone like me your miracle may just be one cycle away!!

Since announcing our news I’ve gotten no less than 100 questions and I’m going to try to answer a few of them here!

1.) How far along are you?

I’m early. I’m a mere 8 weeks 3 days – and I’ve KNOWN for 5 weeks of that!!! Being someone who has been trying to become pregnant for 10 years I’m very aware of what’s going on in my body so I had not even officially missed my period before I got my positive pregnancy test!

Part B of this question, is more an immediate reaction to part A. I answer the question and I immediately feel people cringing at the fact that I’m letting the news out so “early”… my first response is defense – like I get it it’s early but understand me – I can’t jinx this!?! If bad stuff is gonna happen it’s going to happen regardless of whether I tell people or not! Traditionally, or shall I say it’s “customary” to wait until 12 weeks (or after the first trimester) to tell people you are pregnant. The main reason is the miscarriage rates during this time are quite high. It’s astounding to me how many healthy babies are born, each one is truly a miracle considering the enormous risk every pregnancy starts out with!!!!

I have made a choice to share our pregnancy now. Because I’ve suffered loss. I know that pain, and one thing that sucks about it is having to only ever deliver awful news. I’m overjoyed to be pregnant!!! I’ve shared the good, the bad and the ugly of this journey. As supporters I feel like you should be able to enjoy this wonderful news as well – no matter what happens!

Plus, should something go wrong – I’m gonna need support. I’m going to need you to understand how I got here, and I’m not going to want to unpack the story a 100 times. I’ll need people to just be there…. filling in the space or quiet…. that, and I just don’t do well with secrets!??!

2.) What Do We Know? (Aka do we know the sex!???) Good lord!! It’s shocking to me that people think you find out you’re pregnant and instantly know the baby’s sex. No. I don’t know the baby’s sex yet, and it’s gonna be a minute. Usually around 14 weeks you get to find out so just HANG IN THERE!! We will be finding that out and of course I’ll share! What I do know is, I’m pregnant. It’s real. It’s in the right spot, and it has a strong heartbeat!! That’s about all I know for now!!

3.) How do you feel?

Terrified. I feel terrified.

No seriously I wish there was more. I’m living in a world now where I know exactly what I have to lose, what it feels like to lose it and I’m just scared as hell that like it did before it’s all going to come crashing down on me.

I’m doing my very best to keep the scary thoughts at bay- but I sure was not prepared for how scary pregnancy after loss can be. From what I’ve heard … this is just parenthood. Constant, crippling worry— awesome!

Other than extreme terror I feel great. I haven’t had too many unpleasant pregnancy symptoms other than fatigue and boob soreness and for that I’m so grateful and lucky!!

4.) How did this happen??

Well you see when a mommy loves a daddy VERY MUCH…… no no. Not that. Most people KNOW how it happens but wanna know how WE DID THIS!!!??? This happened because we made a choice to change. We did the same thing for years… just tried and then tried some more never really changing the WAY we were going about it. Sure every cycle is different, but we finally made a choice to CHANGE! We took a whole year off trying to get pregnant and lost 300lbs between us! We changed our lives regardless of whether or not pregnancy would happen. After I reached a weight my doctor felt comfortable with we started naturally trying and after the 3rd month…. just THREE months we did it!??? It truly is a miracle.

I fought against this for a long time now wanting to believe my weight was the problem. Feeling fat shamed, and not good enough for a baby, crying myself to sleep many nights wondering if this would EVER happen for me… and here I am. We still have so far to go, there are far many more perils out there I haven’t even learned of yet but I’m here… and here is beautiful.

Like I said up top…. if you’re like I was fighting against a skinny gals fertility world maybe it’s time? Maybe it’s not but either way if I can make this miracle happen I know others can too!!!!

For now, those are the questions and answers I have…. goodnight all keep wishing on stars and making your own dreams come true!!!

And who could live without our baby’s first selfie!??? Just a little peanut…. but also my whole world!!!

TTC

Darling, you’re a shooting star!

I’ve been sitting out here for about a hour now. In my very own piece of the world… my quiet backyard. Feeling the wind ruffle through my hair and hands. Listening to the soundtrack of my life as played by the rustling trees….. I do this often.

I spend my time gazing up at the stars. Watching them, following them… and of course wishing on them. Light years away, I wonder if they’re looking down on me as I struggle and as I conquer…

A tear gleans down my cheek…. for almost no reason at all. It’s just so beautiful, and tragic … I plead up at them for a sign, any sign … close my eyes take a long deep breath with the current and feel a full stream of tears fall.

I open my eyes to bid them goodnight, as I always do … and just then… the perfect moment for the universe to acknowledge me…. a shooting star! I mean, what are the chances anyone else was watching at that exact moment in space time…. no, I have no doubt– it was for me. A wink and a smile from the kind and generous universe to keep going. Keep looking up, keep making wishes darling….

Please let this be a sign that my miracle is on its way, spinning all the star stuff together to send a precious miracle my way.

Goodnight planet Earth….