So here’s the thing they forget to mention when ALL YOUR WILDEST DREAMS come true….. you should probably prepare yourself for a bit of an identity crisis.
Here I am a year and a half into motherhood… presumably crushing it, but there’s something odd kind of twitching at my gut. I spent 10 years living a life where I wasn’t even capable of losing sight of the primary goal! I had something to dream and something to focus on. And now…. Now I find myself kind of shrugging and trying to figure out…. Now what!!? There’s no “struggle” I mean other than trying to convince my 1 year old that shoes aren’t optional (THAT struggle IS real) but there’s no like major antagonist or villain in my world. No big baddie to beat down and no real hurdle to overcome.
Don’t get me wrong being Luna’s mom is amazing – and at times SUPER challenging – she’s a toddler – the whole thing is just a dumped out Sensory bucket covered in Playdoh, rainbow rice, dirt, and something sticky. I mean seriously, holy hell the reality of parenthood is A LOT. Certainly more than my fantasy of it was ready for. And now, without a constant ear splitting, soul crushing drive to keep PUSHING I find myself sort of …. At a loss.
Obviously, the goal, the real one is to:
- Cherish the every moment
- Keep my human alive
- And provide the love, support and childhood I always wished I had
That all goes without saying, but here I said it anyway. But as I suspect most parents do (and why the hell aren’t they speaking up) I feel sort of like I’m disappearing into being Luna’s Mom and I’m not quite sure WHO I AM outside of that – especially after identifying in the struggle of infertility for so long???
I can’t really find “my narrative” and it’s just a super weird, out of body experience. I guess it’s all part of the journey, and my goal is to figure out what the new goal IS and start crushing THAT. I certainly have no shortage of talents to draw from (*toot toot beep beep* oh sorry that’s my own horn)… but finding the TIME and energy after a full toddler day… well that’s the rub! Better take it one step at a time.
One thing is for sure, I should make time for writing as it’s one of the things that really does help ME in the long run. To feel like my voice, and my life matters. You really never know what someone is struggling with and it always helps to find you’re not alone. I can only imagine how many mothers, stay at home, working and whatever else in between feel the way I do in losing a piece of their own identity in becoming a parent – no matter how much they may have fought to get there!
And you know what… that’s ok.
It’s ok to struggle. It’s ok to admit you’re struggling. It’s ok to admit that the reality is different than the dream. It’s all ok.
Thanks to whoever might be reading this. It really is nice to get the feelings out of the bottom drawer of my brain!