Oh my gosh you guys…. I know I know I’ve been a naughty little blogger and haven’t posted – just put it on my tab of things I feel slight guilt over. I write a lot for me, but it’s so hard to share the inner workings of my mom brain because half the time I re-read my half baked thoughts and realize somewhere down the line I’ve gone completely off topic (or fallen asleep mid thought) and just needed to vent – not publish!
Miss Luna is about to turn 6 months old and I am just so proud. Proud of how amazing, smart, funny, and beautiful she is. She makes me smile every single day and I seriously thank my lucky stars every day that I get to be her mom!!! The photo memories I take of this time rarely reflect the state of things…. you’d never know the moroseness of every day pandemic life just by her cute little face…. and that’s what I hope she remembers of her childhood.
2020 though, has not been kind or gentle to any of us. Like every other soul out there I am constantly having to make choices, and muddle through a reality that looks NOTHING like the world I fantasized about for YEARS while waiting to become a mom…. and I’m constantly drowning in the guilt that comes with pining for that fantasy!
Given the choice I’d chose her every day no matter what world we live in, but I can’t deny that I so hurt for missing out on so many FIRST things in this first year – or how different they look like when they do! I keep telling myself that those firsts will come, just later after the world resumes some semblance of normalcy again…. but as the days and weeks go by I wonder when exactly that will be.
We all hope that the measures and precautions we take will be enough…. and I struggle daily with making choices that may look a certain way and hope that any choice I make won’t cause the Caronavirus to cross the gates of Castle Loudon.
Filled with anxiety, and fatigue I made a choice tonight. A choice to put on a mask, to sanitize before and after …. to get a pedicure. A choice I’ve delayed for six months. A thing I routinely enjoyed as part of my own self care and wellbeing and tonight I could wait no more. Never did I ever think getting a pedi would be something I had to mentally negotiate with myself but here we are. Congratulations 2020 you’re the worst. Sidenote: I may have cried in the car in the parking lot feeling a variety of feelings but determined to enjoy an hour FOR ME!
Years from now…. I hope we can look back on this time and pinpoint some wins, I obviously won the baby lottery and will celebrate that victory – no matter the conditions I get to be HER mom and there is no greater honor.
As 2020 barrels on crushing us all beneath it I really hope that all the parents out there can find a way to care for themselves too. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and even in 2020 there’s gotta be a way to fill yours back up and keep on pushing!!