TTC

Six Months, of Pandemic Parenthood

Oh my gosh you guys…. I know I know I’ve been a naughty little blogger and haven’t posted – just put it on my tab of things I feel slight guilt over. I write a lot for me, but it’s so hard to share the inner workings of my mom brain because half the time I re-read my half baked thoughts and realize somewhere down the line I’ve gone completely off topic (or fallen asleep mid thought) and just needed to vent – not publish!

Miss Luna is about to turn 6 months old and I am just so proud. Proud of how amazing, smart, funny, and beautiful she is. She makes me smile every single day and I seriously thank my lucky stars every day that I get to be her mom!!! The photo memories I take of this time rarely reflect the state of things…. you’d never know the moroseness of every day pandemic life just by her cute little face…. and that’s what I hope she remembers of her childhood.

It’s hard to feel anything but pride and joy when your world revolves around that smile!

2020 though, has not been kind or gentle to any of us. Like every other soul out there I am constantly having to make choices, and muddle through a reality that looks NOTHING like the world I fantasized about for YEARS while waiting to become a mom…. and I’m constantly drowning in the guilt that comes with pining for that fantasy!

Given the choice I’d chose her every day no matter what world we live in, but I can’t deny that I so hurt for missing out on so many FIRST things in this first year – or how different they look like when they do! I keep telling myself that those firsts will come, just later after the world resumes some semblance of normalcy again…. but as the days and weeks go by I wonder when exactly that will be.

We all hope that the measures and precautions we take will be enough…. and I struggle daily with making choices that may look a certain way and hope that any choice I make won’t cause the Caronavirus to cross the gates of Castle Loudon.

Filled with anxiety, and fatigue I made a choice tonight. A choice to put on a mask, to sanitize before and after …. to get a pedicure. A choice I’ve delayed for six months. A thing I routinely enjoyed as part of my own self care and wellbeing and tonight I could wait no more. Never did I ever think getting a pedi would be something I had to mentally negotiate with myself but here we are. Congratulations 2020 you’re the worst. Sidenote: I may have cried in the car in the parking lot feeling a variety of feelings but determined to enjoy an hour FOR ME!

Mommy Time 💜

Years from now…. I hope we can look back on this time and pinpoint some wins, I obviously won the baby lottery and will celebrate that victory – no matter the conditions I get to be HER mom and there is no greater honor.

As 2020 barrels on crushing us all beneath it I really hope that all the parents out there can find a way to care for themselves too. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and even in 2020 there’s gotta be a way to fill yours back up and keep on pushing!!

A closing thought… one I find comfort in. In the midst of all things 2020…. one thing I know to be true: Stars are born from chaos and I know she is that, a star!!

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