Really challenging things, like being nice…to me.

I’ve e been really really rough with myself lately, for about the last 34 years …. give or take. I already feel a bit fragile, with the 1 year milestone of my loss looming. I have just been a total asshole to myself and it’s gotta stop.

It’s a thousand tiny blows… usually about nothing. I tend to turn my pain into laughter and no one is better at laughing at themself than me… but at what cost?? Over time some of these jokes really aren’t jokes. They’re the things I feel but don’t want to say, so I make a joke about it…

Deflection is a very real coping mechanism… and the jig is up. Time to deal with this stuff in a real way.

I want to feel better and BE better, so I’m trying this new thing… being nice to me. It involves goal making, baby steps, acknowledging myself and my tribe, things that make me feel, and following through. For today I set some totally achievable goals and it went pretty well….

Do something your future self would appreciate.

My goal was to complete a workout. I’ve struggled with my weight… for as long as I can remember. Literally as far back as memory goes, it’s been there. Struggle, self doubt, failure and defeat. It’s not something I can change in one day, but I can make a choice every day that serves my purpose of feeling better about it. So, for today I will complete a workout-and I did! I used my desk elliptical at work, and walk/jogged a mile after work. Even as I write this, I find myself wanting to justify why it’s not more….exactly my point. Seriously?? Aisya!!! Stop it, just be satisfied that you checked this box today! You’re a winner!!!!

Acknowledge something ordinary that felt really good today.

My husband cooked dinner. It was simple, it was ordinary and it was awesome! Gave me the time and freedom that I needed to complete goal mentioned above. It was the perfect level of support and love that I needed.

Next, acknowledge something nice someone has said to me.

One of my amazing friends payed me the nicest compliment this weekend. I swerved and deflected it–but luckily for me she called me out and made me eat that compliment like preverbal vegetables and LIKE IT!!! How lucky am I to have people in life that will do this for me. And damnit, I DID look hawt that day.

Being nice to me is so foreign… and I know it’s what needs to happen! Treating loss and infertility with sarcasm, guilt and shame is not an option.

Acknowledge something you feel.

Lately, I feel anxious. There’s not really another way to describe it . I feel anxious in anticipation of feelings that MIGHT happen. I’m worried that any particular thing might make me sad and upset about not being pregnant, or losing my baby 1 year ago.

I’m stressed, about potential future stress… how frustrating. As much as I would just love to move past it, let it go, and think of something else… it just has not been that easy for me.

I’m doing my very best. This life is just something I have to work at…

If you’re reading this….thanks for being part of it.