AngelMom, TTC

Karate James

Confessions of an Angel Mom
  • Cycle Day: 29
  • Status: Two Week Wait in full effect
  • Mental State: Hopeful

I’ve never really told the story of Karate James…. I figure now is a good time. Since, some day around this time he would have been born.

It was our third attempt at IUI. I was several days late and had already tested negative a few days prior. Feeling some symptoms, I reluctantly bought a “good” pregnancy test – anyone TTC knows there are good ones, and the ones you buy in bulk cause who can afford the “good” ones at the rate we blow through them! I sat there staring at the digital hour glass waiting expectantly for “not pregnant” to appear like it always does… bitter and annoyed that obviously any minute it would pop up and ruin my day…. and then all of a sudden…. the greatest word appeared, “pregnant”. “What!?!?” I audibly asked this thing I just peed on… “WHAT!???”

We’ve always joked and never quite been in agreement about what we’d name our kid some day. At times there were names we both could agree not to hate. In the end we figured that was a problem for “Future Us” to solve so we never really negotiated to completion on the subject. One thing I knew, was that our kid would need a really awesome name…

While watching the Olympic summer games there was an athlete named Karani James. Except, every time the announcer called his name it sounded like Karate. We both laughed and agreed that’d be a badass name for a kid. We’d never actually do that of course… would we??? No of course not that would be ridiculous……

I swear, the minute we knew I was pregnant, even though we didn’t know the baby’s sex we started calling our kid Karate. It was the perfect name for our “pre-kid”. Karate, was obviously awesome and James is my husbands middle name so we’ve covered our basis there with some tradition– BAM!? Perfect!  I mean sure, we’d come up with a real, suitable name for him in the next several months, but for now —Karate James was all that mattered.

I got to hold Karate for a grand total of 8 weeks. Thanks to a troubling ultrasound at 5 weeks, half of that time was spent worried that it would all end. Wondering if it was ever even real. And knowing that as fast as it all began it would soon be over. I did consciously decide to enjoy how much time I was granted, but it was really tough being given an open end on something so precious. “Maybe this will work out – and maybe not”.

I have found out a lot about myself since I lost Karate. It’s ever unfolding and evolving, but I persist. In the pursuit of a family, I know in my gut we will have some day.

Every single day, I see something that reminds me of those 8 amazing weeks where I was a mom, and I’m desperate for that feeling again.

I went for a walk the other day, and a breeze kicked up and all around and I felt him there. I closed my eyes and let the wind blow my hair and face, and I felt a powerful peace sweep over me…. I’m thankful for moments like that. Times where I can connect with him somehow, and I feel him nudging my life forward.

For now, I cherish the miracle that we had to give back. Because, no matter the outcome he sure was a miracle. Happy Unbirthday Karate.

Published by Confessions of an Angel Mom

18 thoughts on “Karate James”

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. It does sound like a perfect pre-name name!

    It is really good that you are writing about this. One of my best friends had similar experiences but never mentioned it until years later. I wish I had known at the time so I could have supported her more.

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    1. Thanks, the writing has been so helpful. Before I started I felt extremely overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts, could never seem to verbalize how I felt and it was very lonely. Thanks for reading!

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  4. I have an idea how you are feeling! We tried IVF. Eggs fertilised then didn’t go to the next stage. We never became parents. No longer sad about it as we have created a wonderful life together. We now enjoy just being a couple 🌞

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    1. Uggggggh! That’s so brutal!!!! We talked about going IVF, but only if I lose my other tube (I lost the right with Karate, as he was ectopic). I just can’t get myself OK with spending that mug money just to play the game! Man. I’m sorry for you as well. I’m glad you guys are happy though. I know we will be find if it comes to that as well, for now we’re still fighting the good fight.

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      1. Yes it is expensive, and, you will know when you have had enough fighting the good fight. Or whether you want to do IVF. Just remember that it’s the end of a good life. I have an amazing husband and best mate which I will always be grateful. All the best for whatever happens!

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  7. He will always be a part of you. I have eight babies in heaven and I sometimes feel so close to them. It’s odd to explain unless you have been in our shoes.

    I pray you have a low stress TWW and you get that BFP!!

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    1. My heart just broke…. eight!!??? Oh my I just can’t. I’m so very sorry for you and your angels!!!!

      Thank you for your sweet words.

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  8. It’s always so heartbreaking to read blog posts like this. I’m sorry that you lost your little Karate. But it also brought a smile to my face knowing that you are able to feel him around you.

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