Feel the way you feel.

April 14, 2017

So, one of the worst things I’ve experienced in losing a child has been the feeling of shame and suppression.

I lost my baby. In the most brutal and heartbreaking fashion. A baby that I’ve dreamed of, and worked so hard for! It’s not fair!!! Those words ring in my ears, daily. It is not fair.
I can recall the day of our ultrasound and not unlike anyone who’s experienced it I recall the news hitting me in the chest like a gunshot. Following the news, the doctor kept talking. I can’t tell you exactly what he said because I was frozen.  All I could hear and feel was a very sharp, loud feedback -like a guitar amp screaming through the air and muffling everything else that was happening around me.

Following that horrid day were several other equally awful days of which I can’t really recall but can never forget.

Fast Forward….
I’ve lost my child.
And the world in their infinite wisdom takes pleasure in telling me “at least”. At least is awful.
Would it be so bad to just let me feel broken? To let me feel sad? To let me be devastated???? These feelings are all difficult, but not as difficult as trying to suppress every feeling I have in order to convince everyone and myself that I’m OK. Maybe lm not. That doesn’t mean I won’t be ok some day. In the meantime, please just allow me to grieve and breathe without having to prove I’m something I’m not. Ok.

14 thoughts on “Feel the way you feel.”

  1. Well said! You have to experience the loss and pain and it is different for everyone. I am sooo sorry you had to experience that loss. You two are brave to dig out of that hollow hole you feel trapped inside. Always on your side rooting for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry for your loss. There is nothing comparable to the loss of a child. You have every right and will to grieve, and like Deb said above you can find comfort in knowing that there are people supporting you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very true, nothing helps like community and release through writing. I’m grateful for that!


  3. We need that time to grieve and accept the loss ourselves before thinking more objectively to understand the ‘advice of the world.
    Been there twice… done that… understand exactly what you mean xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the loss of a child. I imagine it to be unbearable. I hope you find some peace. You’re incredibly brave to write about it and share it with all of us. I’m sending you healing vibes. ((Hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. Yes, it is quite miserable…. but I can admit that I’m learning a lot about myself and others through this experience.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m a little bit at war with the phrase “at least.” It’s most definitely the worst possible thing to say to anyone dealing with heartbreak. As you beautifully said, it’s no comfort at all. It’s the thing people say when they’re trying to make themselves feel better, not you. And I’ve done it. But, I’m trying not to any more.

    Are you part of any type of support group? I do have a lovely friend who recently received her degree in grief counseling specifically for angel mothers. If you want her name or want to connect with her on Facebook, please let me know. I’m sure she’d welcome you and offer wisdom. Just a thought if that’s an avenue you want to explore as you continue your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I recently joined a group on Facebook, it’s been extremely helpful. I have also been seeing a therapist. Progress is slow, but is occurring.

      At least is so tough, I look back at my own liberal use and i am disappointed with myself.

      All any of us can do is learn and grow and try not shake anyone’s grief or feelings.

      Liked by 1 person

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